One of ourAIDSmeds Forum members by the name of ?Jeffreyj? posted a thread entitled Anger Surrounds My Youth Group Speech and as I was typing a response to him, I had a major revelation. I believe the recent conviction of an HIV positive woman also helped set the stage for what happened to me this morning.

In all the excitement over my revelation, I accidentally closed the window and lost my reply. I was waxing lyrical about how displaying anger in the situation he finds himself would be counterproductive and it would be a good idea for Jeff to channel that anger into something constructive.

And then the penny dropped.

I think it?s safe to say that I do a lot for the cause, but one thing that deeply shames and embarrasses me is that while I am very active in promoting HIV education and awareness on the internet, here at home on the Rock I am doing absolutely nothing. The most I do is provide a positive friend who lives in my town with Positive Nation magazines, NAM Monthly Treatment Updates, and print-outs from the internet. Good, but not nearly good enough.

My deep shame over doing nothing for the wider community on the Rock is something I don?t delve into too deeply because frankly, it depresses me. I beat myself up over it and call myself lazy and so I just don?t go there. I like to think I practice what I preach and since one of the maxims I try to live my life by is ?think global, act local?, I feel like a hypocrite. Yes, it really bugs the crap out of me.

As I was typing the words ?? channel your anger into constructive action??, it hit me. I suddenly realised in one of those rare, lightening-flash insights that I am just too damn angry at the way HIV issues are mis-handled here to act. It would be counter-productive to approach the Rock?s powers-that-be with my raw, angry feelings in tow and I have always known this on some deep, dark level.

It?s been over five years now since I was diagnosed and discovered how criminally inadequate all things HIV are here on the Rock. At first I was able to put action to one side because my daughter and I agreed I would not become vocal until she finished high school. That?s fair enough, but instead of working on my anger issues and making plans, I stuck my head in the sand. I didn?t want to feel the anger so I ignored it, pretended it wasn?t there. Five years after I first exploded in impotent rage and a year after my daughter has been living on the mainland at Leicester University, I am still in pieces, still fragmented, still angry and burning up inside. And still doing eff-all about it.

I?m paralysed in my rage. It makes me sputter and spit and it makes me damned uncomfortable. It makes me feel inarticulate and it makes me feel like a loser. Well, damn-it, it?s high time I quit pushing this down inside of me and channelled it into something constructive, as I was so quick to want to tell Jeff to do.

As the Rock is a small place, I?ve always been aware that I have to be very careful to not burn bridges. What I am doing instead is much worse; I am standing a safe distance away from those bridges, flapping my arms, shouting ?thingy? and ?damn-it? and stamping my feet like a petulant child. Worse than useless!

I?m being safe but letting my anger fester. Aside from the inevitable consequences to my own health, while my anger festers and the fire smolders, so does the lack of HIV awareness on the Rock. So does the lack of basic HIV services for those of us who are already positive.

I?ve got some work to do on myself and I?ve got some bridges to cross. I?ve got to deal with this anger and use it because if I don?t, I won?t be able to look myself in the eye. I need to turn this uncontrolled fire into a torch that will light the way but not burn the house down. I have been telling myself that my inaction is purely the result of my laziness, but now that I understand it is the paralysis of rage instead, I can do something about it. Knowledge is power and self-knowledge is a priceless strength.

I just got a little stronger today, a little more powerful. Thank you Jeff, for being the catalyst.

As always, watch this space.