Annette's POZ Blog

I'm still recuperating from the Springsteen concert at Giant's stadium a couple of weeks ago. I swear to you, there's nothing like a Springsteen concert, especially in New Jersey - his home State and mine. I regress into adolescence every time Springsteen comes to town. It feels really, really good. And I haven't felt really, really good in a long time. I play a good game and put on my "happy face" most of the time. I do have a wicked sense of humor which gets me through the day. But underneath that, I'm in prison. I want something more. I want to work, but can't. My doc doesn't want me to work, period. I want to break free of the "ties that are binding" me. I'm pissed off at the pharmaceutical industry. They've got a real racket going on. Keep tweaking drugs and merging companies to extend patents. Why should they want a cure for AIDS? The money is too good. These companies are protected by this administration and most of the Republican politicians whose main goal is to keep their stock options high, protecting their own profits. I'm pissed off at this administration and their shameful HIV policies that have fueled this disease for far too long. I want a new government and a new President who sets the policy for the next four years. I want a President and a congress that puts healthcare at the top of the agenda. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!

Living with AIDS for 23 years has taken its toll on me. But let me tell you, when I do feel good, I enjoy every moment of it. I love Springsteen's music for many reasons. First of all, his performances are phenomenal. He gives his entire self to the audience. And I mean ALL of it... heart, body and soul. You can feel the electricity of his guitar piercing your heart, feel pain when he moans and feel joy when he jokes and plays around. Sometimes, he explains the meaning of his songs and how they pertain to current times. I forget all my troubles for those three and a half hours. (no breaks - he just rams right through the show and never stops) I'm living in the moment and not "Living in The Future" (another great song!)

There's always a message hidden in his lyrics. His songs are metaphors of life. A recurring theme is the "struggle" that his "characters" must go through in life and the self-reflection that must take place in order to conquer their fears. "Fear's a powerful thing, baby. It'll turn your heart black you can trust. It'll take your God filled soul. Fill it with devils and dust."

His message is also very political. He doesn't like what's happened to our country in the past eight years and he uses his music to express his rage and shame of our government. Protest is not "unpatriotic", as we are led to believe. It's protected in our "Constitution". Sometimes he comes right out and says how disgusted he is with the "policies" of this administration and what's happened to our common sense. Sometimes, you have to "read between the lines". And I like that very much. The fact is, I'm mad as hell, too. Except I can't carry a tune, so I try to express myself by writing. And, by going back to school for a degree in Political Science. I need to channel my anger to make things better. I don't want to hurt anyone, or hurt myself. I want to make this world a better place for the next generation.

A friend came with me to the concert. He's really more than a friend. I like him very much, but I was so scared to open my heart. I did and I'm OK. It's good to finally feel "something" than "nothing at all". I don't want heartache in my life anymore, but I guess that's inevitable. I realized that I've been "Walking tough, but walking blind" I want to break free of these "ties" that are binding me to my past. But I can't. There is no cure for AIDS - and I (and you) have to live with this disease for the rest of our lives.

The message I get from most of Bruce's music is that you can stay where you are, live in fear and take no chances. You can remain stagnant, walk down the same path, and live a lie. Of course, the sad fact is that we're all going to eventually die. But if you take a chance, live your life truthfully and with dignity, you might be able to escape the darkness of your own despair. All of us with HIV/AIDS (and without it) should live truthfully, face our demons head on and be ready for the inevitable consequences. It's not easy and we all have "ties that bind" us to our past.

I've come to believe that confronting my demons is the only way to get rid of them. Demons only exist in our minds. Once they are exposed, they dissipate. This is a constant theme in philosophy. (I'm still traumatized by that philosophy class I took last semester! It was so painful, but definitely enlightening) Demons are weak and cannot have any power over us unless we allow them to.

"Fear" creates the "Ties That Bind Us". In order to break free, we've got to face our fears and acknowledge our faults. Then, do what it takes to change. It takes courage. It takes honesty. It takes an open heart and good friend to help you get through each day.

The dichotomy I observe between the two candidates is ultimately between the concepts of WAR and PEACE. One thinks that a STRONG military (or illusion of it without a mandatory draft) is the best way to solve the word's problems and the other thinks that there can be a peaceful, multilateral solution. One thinks that the "free market", dominated by private corporations with the ultimate reward of a magnanimous profit (for a select few) is the only way to achieve a stable society. The other thinks that dialogue, negotiation and a distribution of wealth is possible and the best way to resolve our country's problems. These are the basic concepts that tend go beyond the realm of ordinary people who do not care about the real reasons we go to war or remain "at peace" with nations. Most of us are too busy paying our credit card bills and don't have much at stake except our rising interest rates. That's at shame. I won't get into the politics of war or peace right now or how it disgusts me to realize how we have become a nation of narcissists. I only must say that the more we spend on war, the less we will have to spend on healthcare. In our country, and in our political system, the President sets his agenda in the "State of the Union" speech. That's how it works. Whoever is elected will set the tone and spending priorities for the next four years. One of our candidates thinks military spending is the best way to achieve peace and create a better, safer society. The other candidate believes that dialogue, negotiation for peace and better healthcare for U.S. citizens will lead to a more viable solution and a better, safer society and world. Whoever is elected will direct our budget to those priorities. We can't afford both. It's doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. It only takes a few minutes to pay attention to the issues. In simple terms, war is expensive. It is also very lucrative to the industries that fund war. Healthcare is also very lucrative. The pharmaceutical industry, private insurance industry and AMA (American Medical Association) invest large amounts of "resources" (campaign contributions) to influence legislation that will benefit their interests.

"War", whether it be between the U.S. and another country or between the U.S. industries and the citizens who they rely on for profit is GOOD BUSINESS. But will we ever resolve our problems or be at peace with our adversaries without the commitment and resolve of all of us? Are we too busy and self absorbed to care, vote, read, write or voice our opinions?

It seems that we've gotten used to war. War has been an acceptable means of resolving problems. There is no real sacrifice for most Americans. We don't have a draft, so it's relatively easy to "support our troops". But, where is the discussion about HIV/AiDS between the candidates? I've heard that there is finally going to be a public debate between the two candidates in August.

I regret to admit that I sincerely believe that there won't be too much time spent on the issues or policies of HIV/AIDS. I hope there is. I hope they will discuss the past eight years of flat funding, the increase of infections and the complete failure of "abstinence" programs. I anticipate that most of the debate will be spent talking about "war". I want our leaders to finally talk about making healthcare affordable to all Americans, "peace" for our country and the world and how we can achieve it.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God". Have any of these war mongers and profiteers really read the bible as they profess to have done?" I have serious doubts that they --- or our country --- really cares about anything else but war and its funding. I hope to God I'm wrong.

I don't know about you, but I've been watching the big "show" on TV. I admit that I'm fascinated with politics. It doesn't scare me at all. In fact, it gets me "PUMPED UP LIKE A MACY'S BALLOON". I love a good fight - I like good theater and I REALLY like intrigue. And this "theater" that we call our "free democratic" system is a really, REALLY good show. We've all been told not to talk about religion or politics in order to get along in society. But, in my humble opinion, that's a bunch of HOOEY! I've come to realize that, in fact, it's what we ALL should be talking about.

In order to survive, those with HIV/AIDS MUST think about and discuss "POLITICS" and vote according to "POLICY". There is a big difference between the two. Now that the race for the SUPREME rule of our country and the "free world" is at stake (and maybe because it's all that's dominating the news), perhaps we should really tune in and stop watching "American Idol", "Lost" and "Gray's Anatomy" for a while. OUR LIVES ARE AT STAKE! The next president will set the policy and determine if HEALTHCARE is as just as important as "terrorism", spending on defense (the largest portion of our budget) and tax cuts to protect corporations and the wealthiest and smallest (but very powerful) percentage of Americans. This has been the policy for the past eight grueling years. Social programs to help the low income and middle class have been cut. Corporations have profited from tax cuts, war, military contracts and the protection of the unbalanced scales of justice.

The United States policy for AIDS has been put on the back burner and threatened to be taken over by ideologues that tried to push "abstinence" and religion in front of sound evidence and scientific fact. Will the next President think that people with HIV/AIDS lives are "valuable"? Will he continue the ideology of "abstinence" as the best way to slow the spread of HIV? What about the cost of healthcare and discrimination of people with HIV/AIDS? Will that matter? Do WE still matter? Are we being dismissed as "old news" and is HIV/AIDS now just a regular "manageable" disease like diabetes? Where is the debate? I haven't heard much discussion about HIV or AIDS by these candidates. It's as if this disease has vanished and is no longer a problem. Have our candidates heard the news that infection rates are soaring, as much as the cost of healthcare?

I was watching CNN and saw McCain traveling in the jungles of Columbia (in a canoe, wearing combat fatigues) to show his might, youth, strength and resolve to stop the cocaine drug cartels and continue the U.S.A.'s "War on drugs". It was good political theater. Except, it wasn't real.

The night before, I had watched the incredible story of "Ingrid Bentacourt", who was taken hostage by the FARC (the leftist rebel group which permeates the Columbian government, recognized and accepted by the US). If you get a chance, please watch this story. She and three other hostages were rescued a few weeks ago. She dared to speak out against the corrupt and very powerful government of Columbia and was running for President when she was kidnapped. The drug cartels have infiltrated the government at the highest levels. I couldn't help but think of our own legal drug cartels, the "pharmaceutical" industry - and other cartels like oil and the NRA who fund our own government by contributing to campaigns and have incredible influence on how laws are made and how prices are set. Just think about the Medicare/Medicaid Prescription Act that was rammed through congress. The pharmaceutical and private insurance industry had the most to gain. We are all held hostage, as Ingrid Bentacourt was. How helpless are we at the hands of the powerful? If we speak up, will we be silenced?

I can only say that when it comes to politics - and policy - all it takes is "Lawyers, Guns and Money".

Let me be frank. Those of us with HIV/AIDS better DAMN talk, think, breathe, and SCREAM about POLITICS and try to understand the POLICY behind the curtain. But, since we're taught that it's not polite, civil or correct to talk about "politics", let's think and talk of it as "POLICY". It's not about "D", "R" or "I". For those with HIV, it's about WHO has the best POLICY for healthcare and WHO will think that people with HIV/AIDS should not be forgotten and written off as dead, worthless, not productive or voiceless. The longer we are kept alive, the more money the industries make on the cost of our expensive medicine and healthcare.

While we are still alive, we matter. All of us have a chance to make a difference.

Whether we are a "D", "R" or "I", we must make our voices heard about the POLICY of healthcare, HIV and AIDS. Have we heard any mention in the debates about the TRAVEL BAN of HIV positive people entering our country? They are FINALLY trying to END this ban in the PEPFAR bill, that is currently being debated. It finally passed in the Senate, but has still not been signed into law. It was passed in the Senate this past week, even though six ideologues tried to hijack it and put restrictions on spending according to their out of touch ideology. It's now being negotiated between the two chambers and hopefully, will be signed into law. Does anyone care? Does anyone call their representatives in congress, write letters or send, at the very least, an e-mail? Do we even know who our representatives are? (Go to www.VoteSmart.org)

OK - I admit that I'm fascinated with all things political. I obsessed with politics, read the New York Times, Washington Post and any other paper I can get my hands on every day. I do my best to watch CNN, MSNBC, Democracy Now, EuroNews, The BBC, PBS and yeah, sometimes even FOX for a good laugh or two.

Now, more than ever, we need to make sure that we watch and listen to what is happening in our county and in the world and try to take back some control of our lives. A "democracy" means that we ALL have the opportunity to participate.

Sure, it's disheartening to know that only those with incredible funding will be able to compete, or enter the game of US politics. It's easy to say "my vote doesn't count". But it really does. Our voices do matter, but only if enough people participate. There is strength in numbers.

Here are the last stats from the 2004 Presidential race on campaign spending:
Bush: 500 million
Gore: 480 million

Who won? How was the race won? What was the outcome?

"Send lawyers, guns and money. The shit has hit the fan." Thanks Warren Zevon, for writing a great song.

I wish you all a very happy 4th of July. It's cloudy and drizzling here at the New Jersey shore, so I don't have to endure the crowds at the beach. The bars will be packed, I assure you. I live close to the beaches and traffic is usually horrendous. But this year people are staying closer to home due to the high cost of gas. I can't remember a year when there was no traffic on the "Garden State Parkway". This year is different. There's a strange aura in the air. People from northern New Jersey and New York are staying closer to home. I'm spending the day planting flowers on my pitiful balcony and trying to tidy up my apartment (a never ending saga...) I've been invited to several parties, but I really don't want to drive too far tonight. Yeah, the cost of gas has affected my social life and I'm more conscious of my driving habits. Hey, a girl's got to cut corners somewhere.

I can't help but think that this is just another ploy by the oil companies (in collusion, of course, with this administration) to instill fear in all of us, make us "sweat it out" and rob us of any last remaining bit of loose change left in our pockets. How convenient. Just in time for the summer driving season. I'm old enough to remember the gas lines of the 70's, where gas was rationed according to our license plates. Plates ending in odd numbers were permitted to buy gas on certain days, even numbers on others. Sundays were allowed for all, of course, in the good spirit and grace of "God". It seems that some things never change. Since my local Starbucks has closed, I have a few more dollars in my pocketbook. I need it for the extra cost of gas. Isn't it strange how this comes at a time right before election season?

I'm no "conspiracy" theorist, but it seems that "there's something fishy in Denmark."

In any case, I plan on going over a friend's house tonight to watch the fireworks over the bay. The fireworks will coincide with the music from the local radio station, broadcasting patriotic songs in sync with the colorful explosions of "bombs bursting in air".

July 4th, 1776 was the day that the "Declaration of Independence" was signed. But, we must and need to remember that it was a very contentious and brutal time for the original 13 colonies. The fight for independence was hardly over. We were at war with each other and trying to break the bonds of tyranny from Great Britain. We were also not as "united" as we are lead to believe. There were many battles that were fought amongst the original colonies, each loosely divided with separate bonds to countries in Europe, ideologies of exactly "how" to govern and a VERY large debt to pay. July 4th, 1776 was just the start of the "unity" that we allude to today.

Sure, it's OK to be patriotic and nationalistic (very dangerous) for a day. But we should and must remember that "tyranny" still exits. We have many problems that need to be addressed and resolved. We have an amassing deficit that must be paid. We have people living in poverty right here in the United States. Millions of Americans do not have health insurance and cannot afford medication. We have a war in Iraq with limited and dwindling troops on the ground. We have a simultaneous war taking place in Afghanistan that is getting worse. We don't have enough troops ready for combat. We don't want a draft or mandatory military service, don't want to pay higher taxes or give up our Starbuck's double mocha latte. But, we're OK with putting a bumper sticker on our SUV's claiming to "Support Our Troops". We argue about a timetable for pulling out the troops and look to see who's "tougher" on defense in the Presidential race. We examine adnauseam, who is "more" patriotic, or far worse, "less" patriotic .. Who is wearing an American flag lapel pin and who is not.

Our country was based and formed on conflict and rebellion. Not only with our adversaries in Europe, but amongst ourselves. We paid a heavy price throughout history, in subsequent wars and subsequent conflicts of ideology. (Think "Civil War", "Civil Rights", "Women's Rights", "Communism". etc.) And, let's not forget the "War on Drugs" (Pah-leeze, don't get me started on what a total distractive scam that is....)

But for today, I will drink a beer, watch the "Red, White and Blue" and glorious fireworks over the bay, sing patriotic songs and try to pretend, for a few hours at least, that all is fine. I won't think about AIDS. I won't think about radical Islam, terrorism, communism, the high cost of health insurance, my delicious lost, aromatic and seductive $5.00 cup of coffee, the recession or the next new class of HIV drugs that may or may not save my life.

No, I won't think of those things today. I'll just sing "God Bless America", hug my friends and thank God I'm still alive to see another 4th of July.

I'll end this with some lyrics from the song "Disorder In The House" by Warren Zevon in his final album "The Wind" (Vocals and guitar accompanied by who else but ... Bruce Springsteen!)

"It's the home of the brave and the land of the free. Where the less you know, the better off you'll be."

Happy "Independence Day". May God Bless America.

"Certainty? In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes." Benjamin Franklin was the author of some very famous quotes. That's one of my favorites.

As rational human beings, we all know that both death and taxes are inescapable. Yet we try to delay and avoid them as best as we can. This past week, two very close friends lost their fathers. Both were sick for a very long time and both of my friends knew that their deaths were inevitable. But death, as certain and expected as it is, is never easy to face. Whether it is our own mortality or the death of a loved one, we want to hold on as long as possible. Even though it is painful to see our loved ones so ill and watch them suffer, we want to keep them with us. When they die, we are sometimes relieved for them, but our hearts ache with pain. Whether we believe that there is a better place such as heaven does not matter. Our hearts still feel a void and a piece of us is gone. There is an indescribable emptiness and sadness that can overtake us. Our hearts are broken and we grieve. Love is a powerful emotion that can take us to the greatest heights of happiness and the deepest depths of despair.

Growing up and being raised in a Italian/Roman Catholic family, death has always been an integral part of my upbringing. My grandmother, who lived with us, would inform us on each holiday that it would be her last. The woman lived to be 100. I was brought to wakes as a child, where I would play with my cousins and meet my entire loud and overwhelmingly loving family of 5,000. It is also where I saw my first dead corpse and about 600 others. The obituary column was the first page my mother would look at each day in the local paper. She joked that if she didn't see her name there, she knew it was going to be a good day. My mom would make me kneel at the coffin, make the sign of the cross and say prayers. I hardly prayed. I was too busy looking for movement and studying the frozen, lifeless expression of the deceased, wondering just exactly "where" he or she was now.

I still wonder about that. My formal religious teaching has assured me that heaven and hell exist and we either go "up" or "down". But, as I get older, become more introspective and read about different religions, cultures and philosophies, I admit that I still have questions and doubts. The fact is we don't know for certain if an afterlife exists. I hope that it does, but I admit that I am still not sure. I do have a sense that "something" other than our human form exists. Some describe it as "energy". Maybe we ARE just electrical charges, mixed with blood, flesh and bones - controlled by a piece of gray matter that transmits signals to our organs, limbs and limbic system? I choose to think we also have something called a "spirit". We have human form, but our spirit transcends us from mere flesh and bones. I'm not a big fan of of "organized religion". It is what has caused most wars, turmoil, dissension, ideology and political messes throughout history. ("Lord forgive me, for I know not what I do" - or say.) But, I've given this issue a lot of thought and I am starting to tilt towards the belief that there is some form of existence other than our earthly one. I find Buddhism pretty fascinating, but I can't fathom the idea that I'd come back as a chicken, cow or cockroach. Plus, I like veal scallopini far too much to give up meat.

But, as I am a spiritual and curious human being, I try to read as much as I can on the topic. I was reading my "Daily OM", which I receive via e-mail and one of the posts that really struck me was titled "Life Transitions, The Death and Rebirth of Self" It said, 'Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life. Even though this is a natural and necessary part of our growth, it is often painful or, if we don't realize what is happening, confusing and disorienting. In fact, confusion and disorientation are often the messengers that tell us that a shift is taking place within us. These shifts happen throughout the lives of all humans, as we move from infancy to childhood to adolescence and beyond. With each transition from one phase to another, we find ourselves saying goodbye to an old friend, a loved one or the identity that we formed in order to move through that particular time" It goes on to explain that "the bonds we try to hold onto, whether they be with people, jobs or other chapters in our lives form our identity and when those relationships change or are over, we feel unsettled and feel a strange mixture of exhilaration, relief and sadness as we say goodbye to a part of ourselves that is dying, in order to make way for a whole new identity to emerge in its place. We must surrender to this process, letting go of our past self with great love and gratitude and welcome the new with an open mind and heart, ready for the next phase of our lives."

Wow. I guess, in some unconscious level, I already knew that. There has been so much loss, pain and change in my life I should be curled up in a fetal position sucking my thumb. Although I have cried many tears, I'm pretty sure that I came out a better person. And, I'm still here - learning, evolving and trying my best to learn life's lessons, be happy and "keep the faith".

Sometimes, the hardest part of living and loving is to say "goodbye". But, it's never really goodbye, its just "Farewell for now, until we meet again."

Be sure that I'll get to the "taxes" issue on my next blog. But for now. I'll leave you with my best wishes for peace, acceptance and gratitude in your own lives.

So, until we meet again, try to "keep the faith".

In my first blog, I gave you a little of my background, which I thought was important to understand why I feel the need to get involved in the policy of AIDS.

Now, it's time to take off my gloves and get to some real issues that get my blood boiling. And that is the IDEOLOGY that continues to fuel the spread of HIV/AIDS.

First of all, I can see by a "particular" response to my first blog that there may be some people out there that still think that our government has no responsibility in providing affordable health care to its citizens, or care about anything or anyone but ourselves. According to this rant, I can see that "somebody" needs to take his Seroquil regularly .... Please dear, don't skip your doses!

But, being that I am a big fan of the First Amendment (you know, that little thing called the "Bill of Rights"in our "Constitution" that this administration has tried to circumvent?), even ranting lunatics are entitled to their opinion. Rant on, my friend, rant on. Just don't scream "FIRE!" in a crowed room, or you'll be in serious trouble. And, take your meds like a good boy.

I just saw an article in AIDS Treatment News and Kaiser daily HIV/AIDS Reports about the current fight for reauthorization for PEPFAR (The President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief). A group of "conservative" ideologs in Congress, spearheaded by Senator Coburn (R-Oklahoma) are trying to block the legislation because they believe that the bill will spend money on "family planning" - a nasty word for right wingers - and one they insist is a "code word" for abortion. You know, like how the "fist pump" is a really a terrorist code.... Coburn and company do not think that teaching women to use condoms or empowering them is worth spending "taxpayer's money". No, Mr. Coburn and six other Senators are blocking the passage of this very important legislation. They want the bill reworded to specifically restrict that the money be used for "care and treatment" of people infected with AIDS. So, let's try to understand the logic... We'll help them AFTER they are infected with HIV, but won't dare try to stop (or spend money) to teach them about "safer" sex. Condoms are BAD, but medication (without breaking US patents, of course) once someone is infected is GOOD. This kind of logic makes me want to SPIT NAILS!

To set the record straight - there is NO mention of abortion in this bill, or intention to promote it. What the bill does do is use a portion of the money to provide condoms and teach women to empower themselves. This, of course, would eliminate the need to spend money on treatment and very expensive medication for the rest of their infected lives. I will repeat this in case it didn't sink in ... rather than trusting proven medical science and evidence that condoms slows the spread of HIV/AIDS, six "fearless" Senators are inflicting their IDEOLOGY and BLOCKING one of (and perhaps the only) good piece of legislation that came out of this administration!

Haven't we had enough IDEOLOGY in the past eight years? Hasn't it gotten us and the world into enough trouble? Hasn't it tarnished our reputation in the world enough?

I remember when I testified at the HHS (Health and Human Services) committee in Trenton, NJ during the hearings for syringe exchange. New Jersey was the only State that did not have some form of syringe exchange. Year after year, it was knocked down in committee, where it died, along with many people who were subsequently infected via dirty needles or was the partner of someone who did. I was asked to testify because of my personal experience. I was infected by my fiance, who unbeknownst to me, was an IV drug user. (surprise!) I normally don't like to play the "innocent victim" role, because in my opinion, breaking down people living with AIDS into categories of "innocent" vs. "guilty" only adds to the already horrible stigma and fuels ignorance and intolerance. As AMFAR so poignantly expresses in their ad "WE ALL HAVE AIDS".

I sat through that hearing having to endure the testimony of a "prosecutor" who was pissed off that he would not be able to lock anyone up if they were caught with paraphernalia (syringes), an African-American state senator who represented an area of New Jersey (Newark) whose infection rate rivals that of some parts of Sub-Saharan Africa. He compared syringe exchange to the Tuskegee experiment and Hitler's gassing of the Jews in the holocaust! He said that it was a typical racist plot to kill the black community. He was ranting and screaming like the fool that he is - and the racist that HE was, as I saw it. I told him that HE, in fact was the racist because HE didn't think that his constituents were capable of learning how to exchange a dirty syringe for a clean one, how HIV was transmitted and how to protect themselves and others. But the most sickening testimony to me was of the "Christian Coalition". They got up there, faces glowing with the self-righteous glory of God and said, "We'll take care of the sick and dying because that's what Jesus teaches us to do. But we won't give them syringes because Jesus would not want us to do that!' By this time, I was about to blow a freekin' gasket! It was my turn to testify. I had spent the previous night painfully writing a twelve-page testimony, which would be on public record and considered by the committee chairs who had rejected this bill for umpteen years. I had been very nervous and hadn't slept much the night before. But this was the straw that broke the camel's back. After hearing this disgusting testimony, I lost all fear. It was replaced by rage. The first thing I did was rip up my written testimony in front of the room and threw it on the floor. (a spontaneous dramatic effect) I explained that I had been nervous going public with my testimony, but after sitting though hours of ideological nonsense, I could not stand another minute. I would not listen to any more illogical reasoning and I was mad as hell! But, before I gave my testimony from the heart, I looked each and every one of the of them - the Senator, the prosecutor and the Christian Coalition - directly in their eyes and as I spoke, I pointed at each one separately, quoting the bible passage where those self-righteous men were stoning a woman for committing adultery and Jesus stopped them by writing their own sins in the sand. One by one, I pointed my finger at them and said, "Adulterer", "Blasphemer", "Thief", "Liar", "Murderer". "Let those without sin cast the first stone!" (Thank you, sister Margaret Mary Joseph for making me read that passage until I cried. But, I'm still a little perturbed that you beat the living hell out of me with that bloody ruler!) I tearfully gave my testimony and pleaded with the committee not to judge drug addicts for their behavior and think ideologically, but to use reason and and listen to the facts instead. I asked them to think about the lives that could be saved instead. I begged them to listen to the experts and look at the facts. Others testified on behalf of syringe exchange and reason prevailed. For the first time in many years, the bill made it out of committee. The bill was eventually passed into law, but the fight still continues.

My point is that PEPFAR must be passed into law and fully funded without strings attached. Six Senators cannot and MUST not stop this important piece of legislation due to IDEOLOGY! If it is stopped, the United States will lose the chance to make a real difference in stopping the spread of AIDS around the world. This will probably be the first piece of good legislation and the only good thing that came out of this ideological administration. We have this chance to regain some of our reputation as leaders in stopping the spread of AIDS.

We can all be a part of history by getting involved. Make your voices heard by calling Senator Coburn's office AND by calling your own Senators. Tell them to fully fund PEPFAR without strings attached and STOP THE INSANITY of IDEOLOGY!

We are all connected, and as Americans, we can help those in Africa and third world countries who are not as fortunate as we are. It's so easy to make a difference or at least try. Just call the congressional switchboard at 1-800-828-0498 and ask to be be connected to Senator Coburn's office. You can also call and connect with your own Senator and House Representatives and make your voices heard. You can also call Senator Coburn's office directly at 202-224-5754. Tell him to stop blocking this bill and stop the ideological nonsense. Six Senators cannot be the reason that this bill is killed. The bill numbers are S2731 in the Senate and HR 5501 in the House.

We need to wake up and smell the ideology! United we stand. Divided we fall. And, GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Hello my fellow comrades. We don't know each other yet, but I hope some of my blog and my thoughts on living with AIDS will connect with some part of you. I'm new to the blogging world, as I'm "technologically challenged". If you're over the age of 45 as I am, you remember that there was a time, not so long ago, without internet, cell phones, cable TV or remote control.

So, here I am about to share some of my life and bare my soul with complete strangers. I'm both terrified and thrilled. But, when I was asked to do this, I figured, "what the hell?" Living with AIDS has taught me that nothing can be achieved without taking a risk. Sometimes, you fall flat on your face. That doesn't bother me too much. I've fallen flat on my face so many times I can't even count them. Sometimes, I had to crawl and sometimes, I just wanted to just lie there and wallow in my own misery. But those times didn't last long. There is a certain freedom of living in the moment now and taking risks. When you've already faced death and survived, the rest of the terrifying stuff seems small and trivial.

I'll give you a little background about me, so you know where I'm coming from. I'm what they call a "long term survivor". I was infected with HIV at the magnificent age of 23. I'm 46 now, which means that exactly half of my life - and my entire adult life has been spent fighting the good fight. I would not have chosen this for myself for sure, but since I've been handed this deck of cards, I'm playing it as best as I can. You can't go back, so I'm stuck with me. I've grown to know myself and realize that one must change, adapt to new situations and evolve in order to survive. I guess Darwin was right. I've evolved and so has my virus.

Back in '85, AZT was not even available. I was told that I had five years to live by my doctor, the "best" ID doc in my town. I actually believed him and was at his mercy for the next 12 years thinking that he would "save" me. I finally realized that no one can save me. I must save myself or at least try my damnedest. I will not "go silently into the night". It takes a bit of luck, a good doc you can trust and who doesn't have an ego bigger than Zeus. Of course, a few cloves of garlic hung from your neck to keep the vampires away and six "Hail Mary's" and seven "Our Father's" can't hurt. (Catholic girl here)

Hopefully by now you may have figured out that I either have a wicked sense of humor or am completely insane. You are correct. It helps to be a bit mad and a good sense of humor, an appreciation of irony, trust in destiny and my good friends "hope" and "faith" gets me through the day. That, and a nice, smooth glass of Chianti.

I'll do my best to be honest and hope that I can connect with your spirit, your sense of humor and your common sense ... or lack of it. Because sometimes it takes a big risk to divulge and explore your inner self in order to rise above the pain, the despair, the constant disappointments and the sheer terror of living with AIDS.

About me - I pull no punches. I throw them. I'm the kinda girl who says it like it is. I try to be as kind as I can, but sometimes it takes a kick in the gut and someone to tell the truth to make you stand up and deliver. I try my best not to be rude. But I admit that most people don't like to hear it straight. So, I'm working on my delivery. Sometimes it hurts to tell the truth and I feel the pain and sometimes suffer the consequences. But I must speak the truth, even if it works against me.

So, here it goes -- my new journey of blogging about living, dying and surviving a long time with AIDS.

We're all faced with life and death decisions, and it's no coincidence that I'm starting this blog at the cusp of one of the most important elections of our time. Politics has given me a reason to keep fighting ... against discrimination, ignorance, ideology and the bad polices of this administration (and others) that have fueled this disease for far too long. I realized that the only way to survive was to learn how policies are made and what must be done to change them. There's a lot of talk about Iraq, but what about AIDS? What is the next President going to do to address the issue of AIDS in the USA? Where does he stand on this topic? Does he think that the "free market" will take care of us? Does he think that insurance companies will "compete" to cover us for our astronomical health bills? I don't know about you, but Blue Cross/Blue Shield and Aetna are not "competing" with each other to cover me. What about PEPFAR? (President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief) Do the candidates want to cut funding if it includes "family planning" rather than "abstinence"? These questions must be asked and no one is asking them. Where is the outrage? Have we gotten so brainwashed and become so complacent, self absorbed and lazy that we don't even want to keep our elected officials accountable? Where is the media on this issue? Where are WE on this issue? Do we really care enough to make our voices heard? These are issues that matter most to me.

I'll end this entry with some words from a song by Bruce Springsteen, my favorite singer, musician, songwriter, philosopher and political activist.

"Well now everything dies, baby that's a fact. But maybe everything that dies, someday comes back. Put your makeup on. Fix your hair up pretty. And meet me tonight in Atlantic City."