Aundaray Guess

Many issues have been asked about HIV and when to disclose your status. I think when it comes to HIV this topic is one of the most difficult to answer as it's different for every person. Also everyone has a different situation so there's no pact answer that will fit every situation. I know when I was diagnosed I was determined that no one would ever find out and when it came to sex, I would choose to be celibate if that was the case. For myself when I realized how difficult a life of celibacy, especially in my peak years of my twenties, I knew I had to shift gears. So my new solution was that I told myself I would have sex but that I simply wouldn't share my status, that instead I would practice safe sex where there was no risk involved to my sexual partner. It worked for a while as it was fun sex with no expectations of truly getting to know each other, so no risk no foul.  I soon discovered It may seem to work especially for those one night stand or booty calls but what do you do when you start to have feelings for someone after the sex. And how do you disclose knowing you were intimate yet didn't reveal your HIV status. I was confronted with this sticky situation when I finally found love.

When I met my current partner we didn't take it serious. You can say it was simply for sex and therefore it appeared that there was no reason to divulge my status as it seemed that we had no emotional ties that went beyond the bedroom. Then something unexpected happened. We started to feel for each other. It was an uplifting moment in my life as I felt that finally this felt like someone who I can build a life with. It was also unexpected as I had these walls up to not let anyone in to hurt me. The walls came from previous rejection where I did the right thing and disclosed only to have people run away. So my non-disclosure was more for my benefit than it was for others. So I was surprised that someone came along and found a crack in my wall.

When we entered the dating mode we made an unusual agreement that I think helped solidified us even today. We agreed that we would get to know each other during the next three months and during that time we would not have sex. I think for most people this would be a deal breaker but for me it had two advantages. The first was that I could get to know this person beyond the act of sex and second I wouldn't be in a position where my status made a difference as we weren't having sex.

The fear of losing a good thing was still there in this getting to know each other moment as I couldn't find the words to tell him of my situation. But I know that my heart was now invested in him and him in me. What should have been a fairy tale romance had this single dark cloud that only I could see hanging over us. I can tell you that the act of hiding your status is some stressful shit. You find ways to explain the doctor visits or the not feeling so good moments. You come up with creative ways to hide your medication and you develop a prayer that they don't come across a stray pill or if you were so bold, that they don't look in the medicine cabinet. You also start missing evening dosages as it's hard to take your pills when you're out for the evening with company. To do so mean placing them in your pocket for later and hoping they don't accidentally fall out.

For someone outside they could elicit no sympathy for your trials but if they knew the emotional journey one has to endure when disclosing their status to anyone let alone a partner, they may understand somewhat.  You actually do disclose but it's a private conversation you have in your head as you play out the scene in your mind. You see yourself doing the reveal as well as imagining their response. One scenario it's a Disney moment where everyone is singing a song of relief and the next scenario it's the worst case scene as they pack your bags and kick you to the curb.

My moment of final truth came when we decided to move in together. All the secrets of my status now made it harder for me to keep concealing my status. From my medication, to the reminder calls from the clinic reminding me of my appointment to the mail bearing my clinic name, it was now not a matter of if but when. The hard thing about disclosing is that it makes you feel powerless as someone with the information has the power to either stay with you or to call it quits. It makes it seems like the choice no longer belongs to you. The very act of disclosing sometimes makes you hold your breath waiting for someone else's reaction, response. A humbling moment when this disease makes you feel less than.

Before telling I reviewed our relationship and was hopeful as based on character traits he had I felt he would understand. I also had to check myself and accept that he may be hurt I didn't trust him and accept my role in that feeling. But no matter what I realize that once the information was given I couldn't be responsible for how he react but could take ownership over my own feeling. So rather than play the 'what if' game I laid it on the line and decided to tell him my secret. It involved many factors such as the right time, the right reasons and the right way. So basically I told him during a quiet moment when we were attuned to each other and there was no hostility. And delivering it to him in a clear non-dramatic way with no attitude or flippant tone, as I knew I was doing it to get his support and hope that the love we developed over the years would let him know that I had no itinerary but to be completely honest with him and most importantly with myself.

"I have HIV" that was the beginning of my dialogue and from there were endless questions of how long and when. From there a honest dialogue started and then something weird happened. It made us closer as the last remaining bricks of the wall came crashing down. I could finally be honest with not just him but also myself. He was able to see beyond the disease and still see the person he fell in love with. I was not a three letter acronym but Aundaray. I was also encourage as practicing safe sex he remained negative and it's a testimony that practicing safe sex a person with HIV can be in a relationship with someone negative, something he remains to this day thirteen years later.  

I know there are others in my shoes and like me can't find the words. For someone who may not understand it's not a case of having your cake and eating it to. It's a case of feeling someone will not accept you fully for who you are. Yet sometimes that thing call love shoots an arrow and you find yourself in unfamiliar territory with no map on how to navigate it, learning as you go. In that lost moment it's comforting to find that someone that says no matter what the journey is I'm there with you. A true power and benefit of knowing there's love after disclosure.

I would have to say one of the greatest tools to help me live with HIV has been the ability to write and share my experience of how it is to live with this disease. I never considered myself a blogger but as someone who made public his insight. I think I wanted to feel less isolated with this disease, but by blogging I found a way to express my feelings and create a community of people who could either identify what I was going through or find knowledge of how it was to live with HIV. When it comes to HIV I am now a believer that finding a way to talk about your status whether it's blogging, singing, dancing or speaking; it will greatly aid the life you live. The term is called emotional expression and it simply means releasing pent up emotions. Expressing ourselves has many healthy benefits and leads you to a greater place of wellness and acceptance of you r HIV status.

Blogging is a great way to communicate and it can combat the feelings of isolation that often leads to depression. having an online journal is defiantly different than blogging as one is private and the other allows others to see your posting and in some cases comment on them. There are several free sites on the net that gives you to ability to blog. A good online search will reveal the choices but as far as ease I would say the two best for beginners are Blogger.com and WordPress. Whatever route one chooses they defiantly are beneficially.  

So what and how do you start blogging? In answering that question there are seven great ways to go about blogging and the following are hopefully some useful tips that will get you started.

1. Write what you know

       When you're writing the easiest way to go about it is to write what you know about the disease. Telling your own experience and how it has affected your life both good and bad will be more compelling. Not to say you shouldn't write about an unknown topic, but when your blog starts to sound more like a research paper of something you don't have a personal connection with, people may not follow you for long. By focusing on what you know your writing will be more real and probably make the reader feel that they can relate. Also you're in control of what you share. Some folks like me reveal aspects of life that would be considered private. Others may give you a glimpse but not be to revealing. It has to work for you and what you feel comfortable in sharing. There are no rules and you control the content of your writing.

2. Try not to preach

       It's great to share your perspective on HIV but in your sharing the best way to connect is not by preaching and judging others on how they live with the virus. Although we have HIV we don't approach it the same way. We all have opinions but sometimes we don't want to seem like we're on a higher horse when talking about our status. What works for me may not work for others For instance someone may be into barebacking, having sex without a condom, and although you may not agree with it, you can still state your feelings without it feeling like a condemnation. There is a way to teach without preaching. In the example I used you may want to first give your own personal relationship to the subject and then provide factual information that lets others decide if the information is useful. I think Madonna said it best, "Papa don't preach'

3. With great power comes great responsibility

       Okay I'll admit that I stole this from Spider-man but feels that it also applies to blogging. As a blogger you're providing a reader an insight into something that is unique. They may start to refer to you as you write about HIV with authority. In that aspect you have to realize that online blogging has a certain level of power where your words can instantly become viral and reach many. The thing about hitting the send button after writing a blog entry is that once it's out there you can't take it back. So when writing and especially if it's about information you obtained elsewhere, you have to make sure it's factual. I'll run across news articles about HIV and want to instantly share it, but you should do some researching and simple fact check to see if what you're about to put out there is factual. Earlier this year I made the mistake of not fact checking and wrote a story on what I later found out to be false information. Googling it I discovered that it was making it way onto blogs but not on major news source. False information along with misinforming the community can also contribute to a continued feeling of stigma.

4. Write for you

       I think one of the biggest mistakes one can make in their writing is trying to write something that everyone will like. The truth is that some will gravitate to you based on your style while for others it will have a null effect. Write something that you would like to read or you're passionate about. Your excitement will come out and people who can relate to it will respond to it. You'll also approach your writing with enthusiasm as you discover your writing voice. The more you write the more you'll discover that your voice is unique and gives your blogging personality.

5. Don't write for comments

       It's always nice when people start to respond to your post with comments telling you how they either liked or didn't like what you wrote. It feels good knowing that you've written something that creates a conversation but realize that it's not always the case. I learned in my blogging that just because people don't leave a comment doesn't mean they didn't like what you had to say. I know for myself on certain HIV blog postings people have approached me and told me how much they enjoyed it, even my family has told me in person rather than leave a comment online. There are so many reasons people don't leave a comment so it shouldn't discourage you from your sharing. It also shouldn't be your motivation.

6. Edit, spell check and edit

      Don't let this one discourage you as not all bloggers are English Majors. But having some grasp on vocabulary will not only help you but the readers understand what you're trying to say. You don't want your posts to be lost in translation because of incomplete sentences or paragraphs that don't make sense. Most will take forgive several misspelled words but not a complete post filled. The best thing to do after you write and before you send is to walk away from it for a few minutes. Come back to it and read it aloud to see if it makes sense to you and if not make the necessary changes. And yes I have been guilty of this so don't come for me!

7. You're making a difference

       By sharing your journey of living with HIV you're helping others who are living the same life you are. You're making someone feel less alone and giving others a different perspective on how to live with HIV. I never set out to do that but it's a humbling occurrence to hear from others of how they thought they were the only one going through an experience and want to thank you for sharing. And most importantly you're making a difference in your own life as blogging your HIV will enrich your life in ways you can't imagine.

See you online!

I recently had a medical emergency that required me to go to the emergency room. From that visit many things highlighted to me the recent conversation about affordable and quality health care. As someone with comprehensive medical coverage and living with HIV I never had to give a thought to the services I received. Although I was aware of the issue of uninsured people, in the best way I knew how, I could only relate through their telling. My experience was an eye opening experience that showed the many levels of inequalities of healthcare. But it also gave me a perspective as a man with HIV, visiting the local ER. As a disclaimer I acknowledge all emergency rooms are a waiting room and none claim to offer Four Seasons type service but I do feel there is a difference in how private and city run emergency rooms operate.

My episode began when I sat down for dinner. I knew the moment I swallowed the steak that I was in trouble as it quickly became lodged in my esophagus. This had happened many times before with others warnings me to take small bites. Previous incidents didn't result in any drastic action so when it happened I felt it would resolve itself. Yet this felt different as no matter what I attempted it just wasn't going down. Despite the efforts of doing a self-Heimlich, drinking a diet Coke which usually helps and according to Google, consuming a table spoon of white vinegar, it simply was not dislodging. So the night was spent with the inability to drink water and swallow food. You would think I would have immediately went to the hospital but knowing how emergency rooms operate and it being late I simply didn't want to spend a night in a room waiting to be seen. Besides I was sure that during my sleep it would go down by itself.

Having gone 12 hours without food and water I couldn't even take my HIV medication as it would come right back up. I was out of it and in no mood to take the two subway trains to a reputable emergency room located 45 minutes from the house. I was also feeling cheap and didn't want to spend money on a cab. I just wanted a quick fix and chose to take myself to the city run hospital that was only 15 minutes away. This hospital is known for bandaging the shooting victims of the inner city and pushing them out to be shot again. Based on it's location it's the only medical facility for nearby residents and those without health insurance. It's because of its close proximity I made my way to it.

While waiting my turn I overheard one man looking for a refill on his Prezista prescription, a HIV medication. My ears pricked up as I wondered to myself what makes that an emergency. Soon after, two guys who were showing each other a lot of public display of affection exclaimed loudly they were there to get some 'crazy pills'. I assumed that it was a derogatory slang for mental health medications which is no joking matter. In fact I was surprised on how opened many were about their reason for coming in. In their public share it was evident that most of their conditions could have been covered with a regular clinic visit but that's hard to do if you don't have insurance. Yet without insurance this may have been their only option. A quick adding of the numbers saw that for those who opposed affordable health care, tax payers are paying double to send someone to the emergency room than they would have sending a person to a regular doctor visit.
           

My interesting interaction moment came during the intake process. As I was explaining to the nurse why I was there, she asked about any other medical conditions. When I informed her I was HIV positive she immediately grabbed her pen and wrote down a name of a doctor. She informed me to go to YouTube and watch this doctor's videos as he had a cure for HIV. I was shocked that here she was pushing a voodoo doctor on me while I'm trying to see a real doctor. What was also disturbing was the irresponsibility of this medical representative and basically someone who should have known better, passing along misinformation of a disease that is already misunderstood by others. And the scary realization was knowing it was highly unlikely that I was the first she shared this information with and the realization there may have been follow- through on others with this information. It left me wondering how many others have delayed their care with hopes to getting a quick cure for their HIV.I was too weak to challenge the information she provided at that time and reminded myself to call the hospital when I was feeling better.

Despite the interaction with her it was assuring to hear the hospital offering people waiting, the opportunities to receive a HIV test. The discouragement came when two people hearing the word laughed and loudly state, "Nobody wants to hear about the 'Monster' a term I hadn't heard for a while but reaffirmed the stigma HIV had attached to it. With all these HIV reference in one sitting I thought someone must have known I blogged about HIV and I was getting punked.

Thankfully I made it past the waiting room and moved to the next room of purgatory as my waiting continued. I would get excited when I would see nurses come in but be deflated as they were in there to grab medical supplies. I laughed as I realized that I was placed in a medical closet. My self-advocacy skills were not effective as each nurse were tone deaf to my asking when I would be seen. I did see one nurse and after asking about my HIV status he ignored the fact I was dehydrated but found the time to give me HIV 101 lessons. In my delirium I wanted to say I've had HIV longer than your medical profession but knew I was at their mercy.

In my delirium I had texted Joel who rushed down there. When he got there he had this shell-shocked look. I thought it was about my situation but it was more about passing the detectives who were standing outside the room of a guy who was shot. It was nice to have him help cure the loneliness but him being there had another unexpected benefit. Whereas my previous requests for service were unheeded, Joel simply made one request and like that the flood gates of comfort came rushing in. I have to add that Joel is white and I strongly believe that his race changed my level of service. In an instance the missing nurses and doctors suddenly came flooding, stumbling over each other with one of the attending nurses giving me movie star treatment. Instantly I was given a nice fluffy pillow along with a comfortable blanket and the side railings of my bed were raised to make a comfortable bed. I even was even bought Ginger Ale which didn't help me as I couldn't drink it but nonetheless it came with a package of services that was once denied.

Even Joel noticed the attentiveness and it was shocking to see the inequality. But sadly I think it's the reality for many. Living with HIV and no health insurance is a scary thought. The good news was despite no coverage people were seeking care but receiving it in a piecemeal fashion. There are health programs like ADAP but even those programs are getting stretched with long waiting lists or hung up in current budget debates. It was sad knowing based on this small card in my wallet I had access to a regular physician, specialist and dare I say a less chaotic medical setting. The issue of health care is real and each day many including my brethren living with HIV are on the unbalanced side of accessible care. The emergency room was just a small sliver of that disparity. We may not want to vocalize it but there is a huge difference when you have health insurance.

 They ended up not fixing the problem and I had to go to my private hospital and the service was like night and day. I was seen in a timely fashion, received an IV for my inability to drink water and a team of doctors removed the piece of steak. I was able to get that type of service because I had health insurance. My little episode showed how important it is to lend my voice to the fight for affordable and quality health care for all. And for that nurse who referred me to YouTube, in case you are reading this, I reported you so hopefully you will be talked to and sadly it may be business as usual. 

Now that we have survived another winter and have shaken off DVR nights filled with bad television, it's time to get to some spring cleaning. Usually spring cleaning in my home meant getting out that bucket of soap water and doing a good scrubbing, not the light dusting kind but the down on the knees until it hurts and getting every tile on the floor until it sparkled. It also meant preparing for the warm weather by rummaging through the closet and discarding the 'what was I thinking clothes' along with packing up the cold weather coats. In this mindset I've decided to do some spring cleaning when it comes to my HIV health and have five great ways to get it done!

1. Mental Health

It's time to first see how my thought process is going and whether I need a check-up. Usually the winter can make you go through the ho-hum mood with the shorten days and the lack of sunlight along with the PTSD of the holidays we're sometimes in a funk that we can't just get out of. Recognizing the impact of depression and anxiety on one's immune system it's equally important to make sure that we're not having bouts of depression. The increased sunlight does do wonders but in no ways does it replace the value of seeing a clinician. And as I tell people in my life there ain't no shame in my game especially when it comes to my overall health. There's still a stigma in telling someone you went to see a therapist when it's one of the healthiest thing you can do. Not every encounter means you'll be prescribed pills or have to see someone for years and years. Just one to two simple visits can determine if you need intensive therapeutic support. Just like we clear the vacuum cleaner of dust we can do the same thing with our mind as we clear the dust that keeps us from being happy.

2. Bad Influences

Bad influences can be different for all and indirectly can impact how we live with HIV. For some it can be unhealthy eating habits or behaviors such as smoking, excessive drinking or dare I say too much sex especially when it gets in the way of forming true relationships? One bad influence that may benefit others is looking at the people we call friends. Sometimes the very people that have your back are often the ones holding you back from your full potential. Although we may not want to admit it the negative persona of a friend can rub off on you especially if you're hanging with someone who's always outwardly negative to others. Before you know it your friend's behavior becomes a reflection on you. As hard as it may to do by letting go you're making room for someone who has the positive qualities you're looking for in a person. And family members shouldn't be excluded from this category. Simply because you're a blood relative doesn't mean that you have to keep them constantly in your life. Relatives can do more hurting than anyone else simply because they're family. You may have to tell them you need a break and recognize that when it comes to bad influences, your family is not allowed to do thing to you that you wouldn't let others. So whether it's your immediate or distant family, sometimes stepping away is the healthiest thing you can do.  

3. Medication Adherence  

As Spring rolls around for many of us our schedule changes as well. We're simply out more and don't have the same routine as we did when it was cold. With the warm weather we're out longer as we enjoy evening dinners with friends or for the lucky we're doing more traveling as we kick our heels on the sandy beaches of the tropic. This may impact your medication regime especially if you're not normally a creature of habit to begin with. Overall one should look at how their ability to take daily medication is going. This even goes for us long-termers as we sometimes get in the mindset that missing a day won't hurt but if we look back we see that we've missed quite a few days over the long winter. So just like we change the batteries in our smoke detectors lets also take a look at how we manage our medications. It's even a time to check in with your doctor and look together on how your current regimen is going. Even if your current pills are working for you, it's also a good habit to simply be aware of new developments in HIV medications.   

4. Me Time

I know this may seem unnecessary but in our cleaning mode I think one of the greatest things we can do is look at the time we spend with ourselves. Although we have already started the year making resolutions, as the warm weather approaches there's value in looking at activities we love to do or simply something that we always wanted to do. Spring is a great time to clear ourselves of self doubt and introduce ourselves to new things. This could be the year of finally trying out camping or taking the outside early morning tai chi class. Maybe learning how to finally swim can be a goal or seeing if we really do have a green thumb as we take a crack at gardening. The great thing about these social events is that it gets one into new environments and for some events it may give opportunities to meet new people. Again when looking at HIV isolation is the greatest enemy and finding out whom we are and what we like to do is the greatest release.

5. Work It Out  

The one thing that we can agree about winter is that it provides a back door for extra pounds to creep up on you and before you know it you're telling your scale they're a liar. I think I still have one last piece of sweet potato pie from the holidays that is clinging on my thighs. As someone who works out there's such a euphoric feel one can get from exercising. Now before one starts hitting those weights you have to make sure you're going to the gym for the right reason. If you're going to find those six packs you see others sport on magazine covers or you're doing it to get whistles and appreciations from others then you're setting yourself up. Going to the gym is hard enough especially when you're doing it for others but the greatest joy is doing it for yourself. I personally believe that when I feel good I'm more inclined and prepared to handle my HIV health. And the coolest thing about working in the spring is that you don't need to join a gym as you have free options such as jogging, biking and my personal favorite, jumping rope. I know if no one else appreciates my hard work I take comfort in the fact that I appreciate it.

So look out world it's time to clean house and if you're not cleaning you're leaning in my way as I prepare myself for a great spring and summer. These five ways will help me transform my way into a new season and my HIV will benefit for the better!     

            I recently experienced a loss of a friend after 9 years of knowing him. The good news is that he has not passed away but the bad news is that our relationship reached a place where it was decided he no longer wanted be friends. I know we had a disagreement but not one that would end a friendship. It ended by way of Facebook which is now the tool people use to end relationships. Unlike days past where matters were discussed to resolve conflicts or misunderstandings, it's now a simple click of the 'unfriend' button and relationship is over. In this age of online friends where we can have 2,000 friends on Facebook in truth one has only a handful of people in our 'real' life we can truly call friend. The loss of a friend can be hard as living with HIV he was someone I could count on to be part of my support system. So what does one do when a person you value enough to share your status and your life decides to part ways? And when it comes to health how important is a support system?

            I know for myself as a sense of pride I made the claim that it didn't matter we were no longer friends. Besides I can always make new ones and with my personality it wouldn't be that difficult. I also didn't want to have the feeling that he ended it and in essence won, so to counter that perception I told myself it was mutual. In that time since our friendship ended I have met some great people yet right away I noticed a difference in the new relationships I was forming. I noticed that much of my interactions were guarded. I wasn't sharing as much and was providing only a surface look at who I was. My reasons was not that I thought I would be hurt again but it was more of a feeling of why bother. Why make another investment where you felt that the return was going to be null and void after a few years. Why be an open book and have someone decided they had enough and close the book and move on. And if a relationship can end suddenly after nine years with no warning why go through that situation again?

            Building walls is what I started to do. It was a wall to keep and control what and who came into my life. I think that after living with HIV for so many years you become a master builder at building such walls as you live a life where rejection unfortunately comes with the virus. I'm not saying that was the reason for my previous friend ending the friendship but past rejections steels you from being hurt once more. For me it was drawing on past relationships that ended suddenly because of my disclosure of status or the feeling of abandonment of family. So when it came to someone giving rejection, one  find yourself falling back into the role of placing those brick into place and making a motto to yourself formed of two words that sounds so familiar, 'never again"

            There is a price for such action though and I call it the cousin of rejection, its called isolation. The truth is when you build walls although you're protected from others you also create a scenario where you're behind those walls alone. Your day to day is one of simply staying to yourself. I admit I was guilty of this. It worked for me and I figured this way I don't have to go through all the work of maintaining a friendship or relationship. Isolation is a great thing at first as you can decide where to go without negotiating with anyone. It was handy if I decided to eat at a particular restaurant with no care how others felt or go to an event that others may not like. You're in that great space where you don't have to negotiate and coordinate times or dietary restrictions. Yet by making friends with isolation you realize that even that comes with a price.

            The truth is that isolation and the concept of holding yourself from others hurts not only your spirit but also your physical being especially when it comes to HIV status. The trickle down effect of isolation is that it has a string to depression which as we all know can have a negative effect of your health. It's been shown that depression has a link to your immune system and with an existing compromised immune system it doesn't help matters. Also depression has that funny way of making you revisit bad habits that you have been able to overcome. Bad habits in the way of unhealthy/excessive eating, substance use of drugs/alcohol and for some unhealthy sexual practices which can affect your health long term.

            Yet as someone in my forties I have come to that conclusion that the older you are the harder it is to make true friends. I think that's the wicked draw of Facebook as in the space of being connected in truth you're becoming disconnected to the true social of in person interaction. True friends are again not the thousands you have on your social media site but the ones you can knock on the door or call and just know that they have the time for you. So what I have done is look at the friends I have and rather than look at the absence instead look at the greatness of those who call me friend. The loss of my previous friend has to be looked as an action of not taking away something but giving space for others to come into my life. Yet I know that they'll never get in if I continue to make it difficult for them to do so and scaling walls I've built will make that task harder.

            I have allowed myself to cry and not pretend the loss of the relationship doesn't hurt. The sad truth is that from the day we set our feet on this earth and until our last steps we're going to be hurt and disappointed by others. The true testimony is what we do with our steps while we're here. I find comfort in the fact that friends are here to travel with us until we come to a certain road in our journey upon which we find others who walk with us for the other leg of our travels. And at least I have the memories of past enjoyment so I can reflect on what makes a true friend for those days when it seems the clouds want to take over.

            So I step back into the game of life and not simply as a calculated way to manage my HIV status but to recognize that life is more fulfilling when you have others to share in that joy. For my brethren especially those with HIV who live behind the walls you've created simply ask is it working for me. Am I finding the joy I was seeking or is it a false promise? Is living in isolation creating for me a healthy perspective of life or is it affecting my health and overall well-being? Am I truly safe? I had to ask myself the same questions and know that I will start dismantling my wall and to those I've been holding at arms length, welcome them in. I find comfort that this is moment in my life where I'll look back and remember this sad instant and celebrate how I was able to walk into a brighter light. So here we go again, walls down and arms are open, I'm ready for love!    

    Yesterday for a brief moment if you were on the internet you may have seen a blog by me commenting on the news of a man who was being sought by the police for infecting close to 300 people with HIV. This was a news alert that was sent to me by a well known agency in Brooklyn and in my mind it was confirmed when I Googled the information and saw many others who were reporting on the same story. So with the information I did have I penned my thought on the subject making sure those reading the blog were fully aware of the man in question actions. I also found the opportunity to make a statement of what I felt about sex with strangers and whether they would ever self-disclose their status. In my quasi reporting I didn't realize that I was helping someone spread a vicious claim that involved the dispersion of HIV stigma. It was a learning lesson on how viral stigma can be and how quickly it can make it way to others especially in this digital age.

            When looking at HIV stigma in a viral form it's no wonder how we can push something out especially when it's inaccurate. Even though we're told at a young age not to believe everything you read, if we see it often enough we start to believe it. Although the Tuskegee experiment has merit it also has grown in the reporting of it as many who were not alive or may not even know the details of the study still use it as their base for why they either don't get tested for HIV or seek treatment. Unfortunately many misinformation of HIV are perpetrated this way and the stigma aspect of it is retained by others.             

            By writing about this incidence involving the man who infected others with HIV, it was a reality check on the damage that can be done by not fact checking especially when it deals with such a stigmatizing subject. The story was a perfect stigma storm as it had an African-American man infecting others. He was wrongly reported that he used mobile meeting applications such as Grinder and Jack'd and lastly he had sex as an HIV man and was knowingly exposing people to the virus. So there it was, a stigma brew-He was black, having sex and had HIV. Boy those left wingers probably had a field day with this story.

            My angle in reporting the information was questioning how 300 people could get exposed to HIV especially with all the health warnings out there in addition asking people to think twice about your sex practice especially when having sex with someone you didn't know. Unlike the creator of this story my intention wasn't to spread misinformation but to help bring to light someone with destructive behaviors utilizing their status as a weapon. But by hitting that enter key I was amongst the chorus who was hoodwinked in attaching an innocent person name and face to something that wasn't true.

            What's scary is that someone actually created this story with a purpose. The purpose may have been to embarrass the individual or this was their form of cyberbully but whatever the reason I have to say I hope you got the satisfaction you were looking for. It must feel good to discredit someone and to vilify those who are actually living with HIV.   

            This incident showed by stigma going viral it may have the ability to influence those who don't look beyond the headlines of the story. As I write this there are many who still believe the validity of the story and in their viewing it may have simply provided conformation to stereotypical thinking such as HIV is only given by black people and they sleep around. The scariest part is going back and seeing that many blog sites have not provided a retraction in saying that this story is false. We're not talking   about little ma and pop bloggers but some major bloggers as well as several known health organizations who sent the info through newsgroups to many who work in the HIV field. And those people as I look at my mailbox also sent out notices and as stated before not one has sent an email to say we made a mistake.

            This isn't the first time and probably won't be the last but when looking at HIV and the internet and the way information is pushed out one has to have the ability to critically look at articles and see the truth behind the headlines. In talking about HIV people are looking for perspectives and dialogue on the subject. By reading false information it's akin to being on the school playground and sharing information and by the end of the day the story has transformed into something entirely different and in this digital age it can be transmitted extremely fast.

            I still stand by my reporting that new technology that helps others connect quickly and anonymously, caution should be heeded and when protecting your sexual health recognizing that simply asking a stranger or reading on their profile that they're negative shouldn't be your buy in to going raw. I also stand by the fact that when having sex the conversation or main concern should be about HIV but also recognizing the other STDs that are out there. What I do regret is being a tool of false information and the broadcast of a bogus report.

            So in further postings I will still use my style in talking about HIV whether its personal or popular news but I'll also take heed of the power of words and the effect it can have especially when you speak on a sometimes stigmatizing subject such as HIV. And before I let my fingers caress the keys and bring forth information it will be fact checked extensively all in my goal to not help stigma go viral.