I think one of the most difficult thing to do for someone
who's HIV positive is when to disclose your status, especially when you meet
someone who has the qualities you see that can lead into a relationship. Some
may see it as being deceitful by not disclosing early on, but it's not that
simple.
Part of the problem is the continued stigma that exists around HIV. For
instance isn't it amazing how everyone on Adam4Adam is negative in their profile?
They know as that they are less desirable or have no value if they placed their
true status. That's how stigma works, it makes you feel devalued and you feel
like 'one of them'.
I have to admit i can't lump everyone in the same bowel as there are now some
HIV negative men who are educated and aware of HIV and still it doesn't deter
them from seeking a relationship with someone positive, but they don't walk
around with a sign around their neck saying, "I understand". So we
don't know who and where they are.
For me my reason of not disclosing was the fear of rejection. I was afraid that
once I told you my status then that would be the end of any relationship, even
if it was a friendship. In fact it did happen to me several times when I told
two individuals who were interested in me that I was positive.
Immediately I was placed on the "Do Not Call Registry" and left with
the feeling of feeling dirty asking myself was it worth it to be honest.
When is it the right time?
It's tricky because along with the rejection you're then faced with having
someone knowing your health status and not knowing are they going to share it
with their friends on Facebook or what in general will they do with it. So you
weigh it. Do I show you my luggage on the first date or maybe the second when
we don't really know each other or do I share it after we have meet a couple of
times and you ended the night by giving me an unexpected peck on the lips.
The demonetization of someone having HIV still exist and for some they put on
their blinders and figure as long as I'm safe I don't have to tell you
anything.
Admittedly that's what I chose to do. If I knew it was going to be a one night
stand, I would play safe but keep my information quiet. It worked for me for
awhile until I met my current partner who is negative.
We started off as a booty call but then there was something magic that was
happening. I dismissed it but still unlike others he was just in my mind. To
the point of me behaving like a school age child and daydreaming a life
together and before you know it I've written down my name and his and wrapped
it in a heart.
Yet I was afraid because how was I going to let him know that I was positive
without him freaking out. In my fear I remained silent and told myself as long
as we practiced safe sex then there was no need to turn back the clock. But
then we moved to the level of boyfriend. Now what was I going to do? Even worse
after a few months had passed he suggested we move in together. I was getting
deeper and deeper into my hole.
How was I going to move in with him and explain the prescription bottles in the
medicine cabinet? How was I going to explain the one med that needed to be in
the fridge? How was I going to explain taking my 'vitamins' everyday at the
same time from bottles where the labels were missing? How was i going to
continue living a lie?
I eventually told the truth after being in a relationship with him for two
years. I figured by then he would know the kind of person i was and know I was
not trying to be dishonest but was afraid. Telling him, I was not ready for his
reaction. He simply told me, "It doesn't change the way I feel about
you". Twelve years later the feeling is still the same. That's another
funny thing about stigma, it's a two way street. We receive stigma so we
stigmatize others. It's a vicious circle. I just assumed he wouldn't want to be
with me.
Not everyone has my happy ending and I wish they did. I wish people were more
understanding and accepting like my partner.
Just because you have HIV doesn't mean you don't want to have someone special
in your life. I feel everyone should have somebody, and not just for the sex
but to share the world with. I learned that sometimes we have to take that
chance and jump in the water and open ourselves. Yes you may get hurt but you
may also find someone who has unconditional love for you. The lie can become
greater than the disease and if someone doesn't want you for who you are then
really they're not worthy of the love you have to offer.
Never forget your worth!
Aundaray on: On the web
It is probably different for gay men, but as a straight woman I prefer to disclose right up front when I feel it will get sexual, to me it is a way of determining who the undesirables are. My status is in my facebook profile, I have not experienced any repercussions, maybe I am just lucky. A year and a half ago I married a negative man who has accepted my status without blinking an eye.
how do you live with someone who want let you forget how you get i. He make sure its a Constance remember of my past behavior.
This is a dilemma with each of us who is positive must grapple. I make no judgments about the decisions of others. But I’ve chosen to be upfront about my status and was even when I was single and meeting guys just for sex.
I understand the fear of being stigmatized and the loneliness of rejection. I’ve been rejected plenty of times because of my status. But my choice to disclose is, in some ways, a protection mechanism. Frankly, I’d rather be rejected by a stranger than someone I’ve gotten to know and grown to care about.
I don’t want a relationship based on deceit. And I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would reject me because of my status.
It’s not easy. I’ve told guys in bars only to later see people pointing at me and whispering. But the result is that I’ve been able to sleep every night with a clear conscience. I met my current partner online and my profile stated that I was positive. I asked if he’d seen that and he replied that he had and was fine with it because he didn’t intend to have unprotected sex anyway.
The bottom line for me is that honesty isn’t always the easy thing to do, but I believe it’s always the right thing to do. I would never not disclose my status.
Patricia each individual is different in a relationship. No matter who we are we all enter a relationship with luggage. Some have a knapsack, some maybe a small carry-on, some with enough to fill a U-Haul.
In your case Patricia it's only my opinion but it doesn't sound healthy when you're clearing/cleaning your past.
I know this may sound confrontational but let him know this is who I am and I refuse to walk in shame. You have nothing to be shameful for. Things happen to us for a reason. we may not know what it is at that time, but eventually we see. And by reminding you of your past my be his own insecurity speaking to you.
have a heart to heart and let him know that his reminders are hurtful. Sometimes bringing up a persons past is a way to make one feel powerful. but again don't walk in shame, you have nothing to be shameful of. You got the disease. So maybe ask him where do we go from here. Do we build a future or keep playing with the toys of the past.
Good luck and feel free to write back!
Yea this one's a tough call! Sometimes I tell guys, sometimes I don't, sometimes I tell guys right away, sometimes I wait a bit. But I was thrilled recently when I had a great date and he asked me my status. I immediately said, 'positive', and we had a fine, calm discussion around that. He now wants to explore a LTR, and I should be flying to visit him in about a week.
I don't think this will change my more 'intuitive' approach to disclosure, but I'm glad I'm inching my way toward another relationship despite, or even because of!, HIV=]
I had the same issue with my last boyfriend 14 years ago, he put my emotions on a rollercoaster. I was always asked if I knew who infected me and if I was angry with this person. I am still not sure exactly when I was infected or by whom. It really does not matter I can only move forward with my life. We eventually broke up after I realized he could never give me the understanding and compassion on this part of my being.
The timing of this posting is exactly what I am dealing with at this moment. I recently met someone on Adam4Adam and I do not have my status listed neither pos or neg. Our first meeting was non sexual and we just spent a quiet evening getting to know each other. It looks like a second date is materializing for this week. I feel this person is someone I want to continue getting to know better. This is the part of dating that gives me so much anxiety for all the reasons stated in your article. I have spent the last 14 years since my last relationship alone and have been ok with it. As stated we all need and deserve human companionship and I really want to have this in my life. If the next date happens I want to disclose to him and get this out in the open. Like all of us I fear the rejection and what it does to my emotional well being. Lastly thank you for this posting it has helped me with my disclosure decision with this new interest.
Disclosure has been so difficult for me with being a hetrosexual male, when i disclose to the women i date they get the curious puppy look, and wonder if im bi-sexual or used needles, when in fact i aquired the virus from a former girlfriend whos ex was a herion user and she didnt disclose her status. Now i only feel comforatable dating positive women, so where disclosure is no longer an issue.