Volunteer Positive, an international service organization comprised of people living with and affected by HIV, has assembled its first group of volunteers. The group is in Chiang Mai, Thailand. Here are their stories of working with sex workers, at-risk youth, children orphaned by HIV and other groups.


By Robert M.

 

“You’re not really going are you?...What will you be doing?...Why are you doing this again?” Were the usual responses I heard from my friends after telling them that I had received my final approval to do international service work as a survivor of HIV/AIDS.  I don’t think I ever gave them a satisfactory answer since I didn’t know myself at that point.

28 years ago I was given the diagnosis of AIDS and told I had 6 months to live.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in Chiang Mai, Thailand writing a blog entry for POZ.com.  However, in this first post I’m not going to talk about how wonderful Thailand is (which it is), or how much I love my fellow service companion’s (very much), or how this has been a life changing experience (definitely), but rather I am going to share with you the journey that began before I even left American soil. 

It started out simple enough... I was bored!  Not exactly divine inspiration, but death interrupted the 17 year relationship with the love of my life and I found myself retired, alone and searching for a way to start over at the age of 47.  I was already volunteering for my local HIV/AIDS resource center, Friends For Life, but I wanted to get out of my comfortable cacoon, challenge myself and give something back in the process. That’s when I I found a video on POZ.com by Carlton Rounds, Executive Director and founder of Volunteer Positive. He was trying to form the first group of people affected or infected with HIV/AIDS to serve as volunteer international service workers.  This was exactly what i was looking for!  I began the lengthy and detailed application process immediately.  A few months later I found myself reading the final approval email and was thinking “What the hell am I doing?”

Volunteering in ones own backyard is one thing, but traveling half way around the world to a country where I don’t speak the language, understand the culture or know what they want or need from me is something else entirely.  There wasn’t much time to think about that however, Carlton soon sent out the official press release and asked us to distribute it to our local media outlets.  Easy enough, blast email to local media, no problem, but then he followed up with  “I want to encourage each of you to think about sharing what you are and will be doing with your local communities.”  The "... what you are..." frightened me the most.  I have always been out, orientation and status wise,  to my friends and family, but he was asking me to come out to my community?  Really, the conservative South, does he have any idea what it’s like there?  Did I want to expose myself to potential hatred and discrimination and “what” was I exactly?  Would anyone even understand that I have lived longer with HIV/AIDS than without, and that it isn’t solely “what” I am but just a part of who I am?  That I am just like anyone else with a managed long term illness and don’t want or need pity or sympathy.  Would acquaintances who didn’t know give me what I have come to know as “the funeral director voice”.  You know the one, the soft sympathetic tone, the gentle touch, the “how are you doing, no really, how are you holding up?” at every encounter.  The ones who mean well, but can only see you as a suffering patient from that point forward.  Then there are the ones who combine “the funeral voice” with the constant feedback on your appearance, “You look good today!”,  “Have you gained weight?”, or the worst “You don’t look sick at all”.

There was only one way to find out, I took the plunge and wrote a short bio with the press release.  I still didn’t know the “what”, but I decided that if my story could inspire, help, encourage, or educate at least one person, then all the potential backlash would be worth it.  Within 24 hours I was contacted by the largest newspaper in the mid-south and they wanted to do a story.  Holy crap!  My stomach churned reading the email, and again I thought “What the hell am I doing!?” (This is starting to be a theme).  I was doing exactly the opposite of how I had spent my life introducing myself and my story.  Robert the person first, orientation second, illness last, but now it would be just the opposite.  My friends were even more shocked since I am a very private, conservative person, I think they thought I had lost my mind and the more they said “We are proud of you and you are so brave.” the more I second guessed myself.  Brave?  What did I have to be brave about, why, what could happen, was I in danger... Oh god, what the hell am I doing?

After a lot of encouragement from the media savvy Carlton and input from the Executive Director of Friends For Life I was as ready as I was going to be for the first media interview of my life.  The interview went well, the reporter put me at ease and seemed genuinely interested in my story.  World Aids Day was just a few days away and they wanted to run the piece to coincide with that, so I didn’t have long to wait.  I was nervous and excited and thought... you guessed it... What the hell have I done?

I woke up at 4:30 am and quickly checked the paper’s online site.  My heart immediately sank.  “Memphis AIDS survivor to be positive influence” was the headline and the main story on the front page of the life section.  Was it true, yes, I have been officially diagnosed in the past with AIDS. Not because of illness but rather tcell count below 200 (stupid way to define it if you ask me), and yes I am a survivor, but to see it in large print set me back a little.  I have been using the term HIV positive for so long that I don’t think I have ever told anyone I have actually been diagnosed with AIDS.  I was projecting on myself exactly what I didn’t want others to project on me.  AIDS equals sickness, death... HIV equals manageable illness.  I felt like I had 28 years ago when I was first told I had AIDS and 6 months to live.  I began to cry.  

I was initially disappointed with the article and it’s mis quotes, incorrect terminology and overall personal story slant, but in the end it was a positive piece and the feedback I received was good.  I just thought it would be more about the service aspect and our goal and less about my personal life. Fortunately the paper did not allow comments for the online edition so I didn’t have to read what the trolls would say (we all know how nasty that can get).  I was forwarded some contacts of people who wanted to talk to me about their own struggles who felt they were alone, so being able to do that made it all worth it.  I have yet to receive any backlash and not one person has given me “the funeral director voice”.

Now... focus back to Thailand... What the hell am I doing again?

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For more information about Volunteer Positive, click here.