Zaidi M 

From Malaysia

Part 2 of BLOG


It has been almost a month since I left Chiang Mai. Almost a month ago, I was surrounded by a wonderful group of people. These are people who wanted to change the world. These are people who wanted to be seen and heard. These are people who survived the dark age of HIV/AIDS.

Before I go on rambling endlessly, I wanted the readers to know that I will steer my blog away from the wonderfulness of Chiang Mai, Thailand; it’s exotic beautiful temples and arts, it’s fresh delicious fruits and salads, it’s mouth-watering green chicken curries and it’s vibrant yet complex culture. I will focus my ramblings towards what I discovered during my short tenure with Volunteer Positive and perhaps focus on what I was involved with at my placement, Grandma Cares Partnership Program. I reckon this is an opportunity for me to be heard.

So who are these people, these volunteers I grew to know? They are a group of people who were part of an inaugural international service program conducted by Volunteer Positive. These people passed and lived through the stage where they were possibly at the edge of life, some of them a few times, living through the stage where they lost their partners, friends and family due to AIDS. Yet, these people still surviving and still living.

How can one comprehend the feeling, 20 years later waking up in the morning still alive, still able to breathe the air and still able to do what the ’normal’ people do when they knew at one stage of their life that others with the same blood borne disease passed. I considered this group of people to be the catalyst - a powerful change agent. This is a group of openly HIV positive international volunteer who flew across the world to be in Chiang Mai to be in the bigger and larger community wanting to be seen and heard.

But the questions were; Is it because they see this program as an opportunity to be able to give back outside their comfort community because of what’s happening within? Or is it because they wanted to be part of a movement that helps other who shared one common illness in other part of the world, to be able to propel the message broadly that you can actually live longer and able to contribute in some ways?

As I explored these questions, it makes me think where I fit in as I amalgamated myself with the group. Coming from a different culture, religious and education background and being the only person affected and not infected the disease, I was constantly seeking answers within. How can I connect with this group because I didn’t go through the same thing that they went through - essentially living with the virus. My idea of me living with the virus may be rejected as I am not ’original’ and I can be considered as the outsider with my sero-discordant status. It should not and did not hinder my inclusion within the community. These notions Eventually I realized how  I did blend in with this group of people.

I realized my apprehensions were baseless, that I put myself in the internal stigmatization status quo; thinking how me being affected (in regard to myself within this group) and the larger public perception being around people living with HIV. It is like weighing the notion that I wanted to be part of this group yet wanted to be part of the public at the same time but not receiving negative consequences. How could I be in both places at the same time?

After a long thoughtful internal processing within, I recognized that I make myself a jerk out of nowhere. I realized that their suffering affected me as I learned more about the social disconnection and invisibility of their voices within the larger community. Imagine being in a place where being an HIV positive you are treated like you are from the lowest caste. Imagine being in a place where even with Government supports to medications, being HIV positive takes away your right to raise your hands and voices. I realized that this is a huge stepping stone for people living with HIV to be in the front line and claim their sense of agency in the world.

Volunteer Positive is a catalyst.