Daniel Angelis

     I am currently going through a life change, one we all go through at least once.  I am speaking of course about transitioning from being "married" to being single after 8 years.  I am in reasonably good shape, my viral load continues to be undetectable, and I maintain an immune system that should be bronzed and placed on a plaque for all to see.  However, I noticed that the buffering effects my former marriage had provided me faded and the reality of being a single person had set in.  It made me realize not only how my former relationship and the actions of others prevented me from living my life, but how much the world had changed in that time.



One or two days ago a seemingly nice person befriended me and later invited me to go out to a club.  It was this invitation that had given me some trepidation because it meant that there was a good possibility that I could once again interact with some of the individuals that made me want to hide and retaliate in tandem like a frightened cat forced into a corner.  Upon entering the dance club, rife with objectification, long uncomfortable glances, and harsh jokes and judgements at the expense of those seeking acceptance, I immediately felt uncomfortable and unwelcome.

   Why was this?  Why did I feel uncomfortable? Would I be re-traumatized in an effort to return to a healthy social life that everyone rightfully deserves?  I felt uncomfortable because I could feel the stares of those who abused, who laughed at and judged, and who made horrible statements that nearly caused my own social and physical demise.  I huddled uncomfortably close to the new awkward friendships that seemed to shield and protect me at the club.  With all of these emotions washing over me I managed to monitor and control my own behavior and actions.  It was a strange feeling to be around individuals who had once provided a source of acceptance in the past and now served as a source of rejection and judgement in the present because I chose to publicly disclose my HIV status, advocate for others, and challenge ideas that I felt were wrong.

     So how did I get over it?  I ignored them, the ones who only have the courage to stare at you long enough until they are caught.  The people who are too afraid to do what I did, which was to be tested for HIV, publicly disclose my status, and advocate for others with all of my human imperfections.  I also realized that there are people within this crowd of sharks that are the kind, accepting, logical, and compassionate.  By hiding and only seeing stigma I am missing the experience of meeting dynamic and caring people like these.....like me.   Stigma will only remain if I let it tell me who and what to see, which means I cannot be like them.  I cannot be like the egocentric HIV-negative gay men who create stigma because they want to feel superior over others in an effort to mask their own fear of what they do not know.  They are the ones truly missing out on life. 

I do not know what my future will hold, I only know that I must continue to move forward.  This first experience made me realize that I must fill my life with experiences and people that value me for who I am.

     When I returned to college in the fall of 2012 to begin changing my career from the Information Technology field into the Psychology field, I had no idea how much it would change me or how it would change how I viewed others.  More importantly, it empowered me in a way I never thought was possible.  Education has given me the power to change my life for the better by making me realize that I can literally do anything I set my mind to. 

     If you look at my blog, you will notice that I deleted all of the past articles related to the discrimination that I experienced.  I deleted those entries because those experiences are now in the past.  Living in the past prevents us from living in the present and looking forward to our future.  A manager from a recent job said this to me: "What can you do?  You can't do anything".  While I have returned to college to better myself and not just prove that person wrong, it still feels really good to know that anyone who says that is not your friend.

     I also wanted to share another story about an HIV positive friend of mine who has changed their life for the better through education.  To protect their privacy, I have changed their name to Joe.  Like me, Joe lives in a very conservative part of Pennsylvania where people tend to judge others based on personal traits rather than situational forces and continue to insist that one can automatically tell who someone is solely on their actions alone.  Fortunately, human beings are not so one dimensional because if they were the human race could not survive.  Whenever I spoke with my friend Joe, he would often say things like "I can't do that", "I think I am too old", or other statements that indicated he felt they were inferior to others in some way.  I think part of this was due to the stigma associated with living with HIV and also because he had not completed high school.

   A few months ago, Joe called me and said that he was thinking about going back to school  to get his GED.  My friend Joe often expressed a desire to do so but fear prevented him from following through.  Well,  several weeks ago he finally did obtain his GED.  My friend Joe exuded confidence and was so proud he accomplished something he initially thought was impossible.  Do you know what else my friend Joe did?  He contacted Pennsylvania OVR to see if it was possible to obtain funding to return to school.  Unfortunately, like me, he experienced discrimination working with Pennsylvania OVR who later denied funding to pay for continuing education despite telling my friend Joe that it would be approved.

     Due to the confidence that my friend Joe now had as a result of obtaining his GED, this setback did not stop him.  Joe found a way to pay for the continuing education courses on their own without the help of Pennsylvania OVR.  My friend Joe is now taking classes and has some great prospects for new employment.   Lets face it, living with HIV sucks.  Not only does living with the disease take its toll, but we also have to deal with the ignorance and stupidity of others who judge us harshly for standing up for ourselves when facing discrimination or say that a person somehow deserves getting HIV because of something they did. 

   Education has given me and my friend Joe the power to advocate for ourselves and others, to stand up and be counted, and challenge those who perpetuate HIV stigma out of fear and ignorance.   While empowerment and confidence are a good thing, we must also remember to be kind to others, humble, and to never be afraid to ask for help and support each other.  If you think that you are in a situation that cannot be changed or that there is no way out...there are still people out their that can help, you just need to ask for it.