Subscribe to this blog's feedSometimes I think the only reason I exist is to give my mother something to worry about.
There's not going to be any positive spin on this blog, no patina of optimism, or light on the end of the tunnel. AIDS sucks. Can I be miserable for a month or so? Actually I really haven't been happy for years. I was certainly a great liar in my writing telling stories about spinal taps and diapers with a smile. Yes, I'm having an Official Pity Party for One. The combination of losing my internship at POZ, a major screw up on my Social Security Disability and Medicare (which thankfully has been resolved,) new and different medication side effects, and my bike chain breaking on the hottest day of Spring, etc. I wish I could blame it on Mercury, but the planet is not in retrograde?!
I'm already still dealing with the loss of superficial friends, who I can only assume were frighten by my illness, or "scared" of hospitals, or possibility I now have nothing to offer them? Who knows; who cares. A friend of my suffering from a brain tumor finds it liberating to be free of fake friends, but he also has a boyfriend who stuck with him "through sickness and in health." God, I sure sound bitter. In additional my other friends are also "disappearing" as a result of the economy, either from lack of employment or fears of job loss. I'm only assuming this because of unreturned calls and/or emails, or maybe I just pissed them off. I have no idea? Facebook friends are alway there, but you can't cyber-cry on someone shoulder. My face ain't looking so great either. I was told to return for another treatment, but because of lack of funds and the swine flu outbreak everything it on hold. Forget about dating or having sex, you don't even want to know the last time I was intimate with someone, or you probably wouldn't believe it anyway. I'm actually glad my testosterone is so low it helped me steer clear of a lot of rejection, and stopped me from thinking with my dick. And what is my goal, my purpose in life, besides paying too much for rent to live in Manhattan? Feeling alone, immobile and frustrated, thanks for letting me regurgitate on your blogosphere.
Dplus
Everyone's entitled to a pity party or two every once in a while. It's cliched, but there's always hope.
A pity party is still a party. Whoop it up, Babe.
Hang in there buddy! I'm pushing for you! kent
Stay in there Dave, I'm going through real difficulties at the moment as well (resistant virus, T cells at 150, disclosure issues from hell, and ever present financial crap to deal with) but reading your blog and website HAS helped, as I'm sure it has for many others, so hang in their buddy, It WILL get better!
Michael.
Oh David! Party on dude! You inspire so many people - myself included! Keep on, keeping on! Love you!
Even though I'm across the country in OR know I'm thinking about you and missing you! I know it's a hard time right now. Thank you for your honesty...too few people actually lay the truth out there like you do. I would not be surprised if telling your woes will actually make you feel a little better?!
Hello, dear. Just started reading your blog, and wish there was something more cheering to do for you than commenting. I've lost so many friends that I find myself in the sad-and-lonely seat more often than not lately, too. Chin up. Recuperation celebration must be around the corner.
Hi Dave;
Look at all the friends you have on the blog. It's so easy to feel low about yourself and cheer yourself up with the wonderful memories you have had. Yes, I have my medical issues as you know but LIFE IS WORTH LIVING no matter how bleek it may seem. You survived. Keep yourself busy do some creative volunteer work. Don't be alone by doing volunteer work you get to meet new people that can share their lives with you. Try some HIV support groups whereby you can share your feelings and make a one on one basis. Anyone can feel sorry and pitiful but, it takes a much better person to be positive. I pray for you Dave.
Your friend yes, I say your friend!
Anthony
Dave, I've always enjoyed your blog and my heart aches for you. Please hang in there. Humanity can be such a disappointment sometimes - that's for sure. But there are good people out there. When my partner was diagnosed with AIDS... we became even closer. He needs me more now than ever and I'm here for him. When the going gets tough... you really do find out who your friends are. I'll be thinking of you and hoping you find more "real" friends.
Stubb
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Hi Dave, recently I had a seizure and I found out that I have a tumor. So far it seems to be non-malignant. Let me also tell you that I have been on meds. for twenty-one year. The way I feel is that I am no longer living but existing. I am sick of being call a long term survivor, I have no idea what that means. I just wish that I had never started the meds. This is not what I was expecting my life to be when I agreed to start treatment. I have nothing to live for, all my friends are either dead and those that are not, they are either in bars drinking, something I can not do or they are out looking to get laid, I have no desire for sex. All I wish for is that I go to sleep one day and not wake up. So if you think that things are bad for you, think about me.
I don’t know why I’m “happy” to read this, maybe it’s because minor details aside, the feelings you’ve shared mirror my own and illustrate an experience of HIV far too prevalent within my circle of friends.
Thanks for your candor, you speak for many of us. Please hang in there… and perhaps move to Toronto, nudge nudge wink wink!!
Posi+ive vybez +++ Jorial.
Dave,
I have no idea how you must feel. Being Catholic, I am expected to believe that this is what we should sometimes expect, regardless of our state on earth. The very real prospect of, "this too shall pass," is a religous sentiment & a cognitive therapy technique that works. I trust & hope Dave, that by the time you read this, most of your dispair has passed. You are in my prayers today.
Please cheer up! I know things suck but they will improve! And by the way your face looks fabulous! cheer up!