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As I drove down Ninth Avenue through the grey cold of January, unwanted thoughts kept washing over me.
It was the 3rd day of 1988, and in the newspapers there had appeared numerous stories of people who had been infected but asymptomatic for five years or more.
In eight years I had not had anything more serious than a brief bout with the flu.
I’d also had an odd white spot on my tongue sometime back around 1980 that my doctor thought was a yeast infection that I’d picked up from a girlfriend (he actually gave me Monistat tablets to suck on!)
Nonetheless, the passage of time was no longer the assurance that it had been. Even though the last time I’d used IV drugs was in late 1979 and into the early days of 1980, and I thought that it was unlikely that I’d been infected, I had taken the test because we wanted to have children. Just to be sure. I pulled over at a parking meter and waited awhile, and at five minutes to nine, I pushed two quarters in the coin slot and walked into the Health Department building.
A young woman standing near in an open door looked out me. I gave her my patient number and she told me to have a seat. I watched her pull a manila folder from a metal cabinet.
“There’s no one in yet, you’ll have to wait,” she said.
It was hard to imagine a more depressing place. The walls were covered in dirty celadon green tiles, and spikes of old straw stuffing poked through the row of cracked and faded orange vinyl seats that lined the hallway. The smell of industrial floor cleaner pinched the back of my throat. After fifteen minutes watching civil service employees and tired volunteers drift into the nearby rooms, I looked into another office where two women spoke quietly while looking at me. It could not have been more obvious, and although I could not understand it at that moment, neither my wife nor I would ever have another innocent day without worry of death or pain or loss.
I left the clinic and drove to court in Brooklyn, where I’d been assigned to represent a defendant who had AIDS. I can still remember his face - gaunt and grey as a ghost. The court officers refused to touch him without wearing rubber gloves. His name was Juan Figueroa.
Figueroa was dying, and I had asked the judge to dismiss the case in the interest of justice so that Figueroa could die a free man. The judge ducked the issue, adjourning the case every thirty days for a decision that never came. I drafted a motion that I was going to file in the Appellate Division, hoping to force the judge to make a decision, but I was too late. Figueroa died alone and all but forgotten at the AIDS ward of the Rikers Island prison hospital. I never forgot Juan, and I doubt that I ever will. You can be sure that I will never forget the name of that judge, either.
After I left the courtroom that day the enormity of it all swept over me, and I retreated to a phone booth and called my wife, sobbing in a corner of a courthouse in Brooklyn. A few days later, my doctor tested me for Hep C, and I discovered that I was coinfected with that virus as well.
So much time has passed. So many years. I have now been living with HIV and Hep C in my body for 28 years or so, and despite all that we have lost I have been incredibly fortunate. I am still here, still ridiculously healthy and I have made a lot of great friends whom I never would have met were it not for HIV. I am a very lucky man.
It’s been a long time since I went into the New Year feeling as joyful and optimistic as I feel these days, despite all of the challenges that we all face. I wish each and every one of us - HIV positive or not - a very healthy and happy new year.
And Juan as well, wherever he is.
Comments (17)
hi David, this was a very touchy post... i thank you for sharing this story with us. Send you big hugs from Ecuador and wish you all the best in the new year.
your friend, Juan Carlos
Posted by Juan Carlos | December 31, 2007 9:12 PM
Posted on December 31, 2007 21:12
hi David, great blog. I'm amazed that you managed to actually go to work immediately after your diagnosis. How you managed that is beyond me. Your ability to survive and live a normal life for so many years is inspirational. Did you continue to work or did you have some time out after your diagnosis? Do you work today? Did you stay together with your wife and have a family?
Posted by Tony | January 1, 2008 12:59 AM
Posted on January 1, 2008 00:59
Thanks, Tony.
Yes, I am still working these days, and I hope that I'll be able to continue working until they cart me away.
Do I have a family? Not in the conventional sense, but I do have a family, and they are right here on line - my brothers and sisters who live as I do, with HIV.
Posted by David | January 1, 2008 1:32 AM
Posted on January 1, 2008 01:32
Love you-
Posted by Susan | January 2, 2008 9:20 AM
Posted on January 2, 2008 09:20
Great post.. been HIV poz since 86 and have had hep C since 78. Still kicking. Married, own my own business, travel 2 times a year to europe..
Take my meds DAILY, drink alcohol rarely, play and laugh often.
I have a memorial garden in my yard for all those who went before me. I will add a plant this spring for Figueroa.
Great post.
Milton
Posted by Buddy | January 2, 2008 5:38 PM
Posted on January 2, 2008 17:38
I really appreciated the story. It has been 2 1/2 years since I was diagnosed HIV+. I have been relatively healthy, and I am very thankful I have not started meds yet, but that could happen at anytime, I'm sure. It's been a long road it seems, and yet I have only been dealing with it a short time. Your story meant a lot. We have to stay together and support each other. I have not told my family,and I don't plan to unless it becomes absolutely mecessary. I want to live a "healthy" productive life...one with purpose. Thanks for the inspiration.
Thanks,
Michael
Posted by Michael | January 2, 2008 6:01 PM
Posted on January 2, 2008 18:01
David,
Great blog. Having been diagnosed HIV+ in August 2000, I tend to stay by myself. Like Michael, I have yet to tell any of my family. And probably won't either. Guess I am afraid they won't understand. I went to a diner party awhile back. Through several hints, my hosts found out I was HIV+ and asked me to leave. Ever since, I just hangout by myself. Think it's safer that way. Keep on keeping. We all need each others support.
Posted by Rick | January 2, 2008 7:04 PM
Posted on January 2, 2008 19:04
It is really an amazing blog. Tell me how you been able to live all these years without meds? It is that really possible? This is a terrible virus and stories like yours give me some more hope about there is always a better new day in our lives. Thank you so much for sharing yours.
Posted by fernet | January 2, 2008 9:03 PM
Posted on January 2, 2008 21:03
I've been on meds for HIV since 1988, Fernet (I began taking Atripla when it was approved.)
I've remained healthy because of those meds. Although it is my understanding that there do exist a few documented long-term non-progressors who have never taken anti-retroviral medications, their numbers are few.
I seem to tolerate my meds well. Not all of us are as fortunate as I've been, but as the research continues, you have every reason to be hopeful in your life.
Posted by David | January 2, 2008 9:39 PM
Posted on January 2, 2008 21:39
What a touching story. Have been positive since January 1988, still doing well. I've had my moments, but life truly goes on. God bless and keep you. Happy New Year,
Steven
Posted by Steven | January 2, 2008 9:54 PM
Posted on January 2, 2008 21:54
Hello!
I will have to agree witht he rest of the folks! It is a story that touched home. I tested PoZ in 89. It has been a rollercoster ride that I really wish I had not ridden. Yet it has made me the person I am today. As for me well I kinda knew some thing was up. I know whom I caught it from and have since forgiven him. Yet still one always comes accrossed a reminder of life. As for Michaels delemia! WOW !!! When is the right time to tell or not to tell. Me I just try to make sure it is in the first 15mins. THis way I do not waste my time. I have had folks run outa my apt. I have had folks tell me they could not date me cause I was going to die! Well there are several reasons That me and the family are not close. Main one is I guess I have always been me. Never really holding my tounge. And not caring whom heard me for what I was saying could have been about any one. Not about them. My what egos we all have as humans.
Well any way I do not hang with any one whom does not accept that I am GAY or that I am HIV/AIDS
YOU will find out whom you can really trust and whom will stand by you no matter what!
I have that now with my family my Chruch family. I go to JOY MCC here and it is where I feel most at home.
Thanks for the story and being able to voice my opinion and concern about when to tell!!!!!
Posted by Craig | January 2, 2008 11:25 PM
Posted on January 2, 2008 23:25
Hi,
This is a touching story as for me i have been here 7yrs fighting this fight .i have learn a lot i am sorry to hear your friend had not died a free man.but keep up the good fight up we all need each other .most of my friends are pos and the little that are not is who accepted me for who i am and what i have .the are very supportive .i now work in the field of hiv as a community outreach worker.in this way i know i am gaving back to my community.
Posted by sharon | January 3, 2008 9:00 AM
Posted on January 3, 2008 09:00
Hi David,
I really must say to you that your story touch a piece of my heart that only we as people living with HIV can understand and comprehend. Like you, I have been living with HIV and Hep C for over 10 years now. I under went treatment for my Hep C back in 2001. Today,I am Hep C free. Everyday I try to give back to my community hope and dreams. In 2005, I founded a non profit "Project Link Of South Florida", in the three years that we have been opened, we were able to help over 2500 people living with HIV/Hep C. I will say that this has not been an easy task, but after reading your story, I am finding the energy and strenth to continue my mission with keeping Project Link open. Please feel free to visit our website @ www.plosf.org, which will tell you more about Project Link
May God bless you and keep you well.
Jay McLaughlin
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Posted by Jay McLaughlin | January 3, 2008 10:44 AM
Posted on January 3, 2008 10:44
Thank you all for sharing. You have given me more hope than you can imagine. I have an adopted son who was HIV+ at birth. He is now nine, quite healthy, but with lots of mental difficulties, which may or may not be from his HIV. There isn't much out there on Pediatric HIV/ADIS, so these posts mean a lot to me. I pray often that he will have a long and productive life. I have not told him yet, for the same reasons many of you have not told people. I told a person I thougt was a friend and oops she disappeared...... As a mother I couldn't bear to have the few friends he has disappear too!!! I have no idea when I'll tell him, most likely when I am forced to for what ever reason comes up at the time.
Thank you again, my prayer are with all of you!!!
Posted by Candie | January 3, 2008 12:33 PM
Posted on January 3, 2008 12:33
At the Children's Rights Centre here in Durban, South Africa, we are particularly concerned with children living with HIV and have produced an interactive picture book for them to use MY LIVING POSITIVELY HANDBOOK. Look at our website - and bless you both!
Posted by Noreen Ramsden | January 7, 2008 2:35 AM
Posted on January 7, 2008 02:35
When to tell is my biggest problem. Sometimes its same day, sometimes its never. The problem attached with never is that then I wont make friends, so I rather tell. Some stick around a bit to avoid disappointing me, some dont, but I prefer those who don't at least that way, I wont be counting them in. i have found my family to be very supportive almost to the point of fussing but I am freer I told them than when I kept it to myself for two whole years, its now five years one on ARVs apart from a few dietary problems most of the time I can compete against Dame Kelly.
As for relationships, I have given up, all men I have met claim to be negative so I have given up on relationships even if I long for one. Perhaps I 've been meeting the wrong persons altogether. I guesss its normal in most people living with HIV/AIDS not to be in relationships.
Posted by Lynn | January 7, 2008 10:26 AM
Posted on January 7, 2008 10:26
Lynn, it may be difficult to meet the right person, but please don't ever give up on having a healthy relationship. I think you know that loving and supporting another human being can make all of the problems we face seem less overwhelming. Hang in there.
Posted by David | January 7, 2008 11:14 AM
Posted on January 7, 2008 11:14