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I’ve been dancing around this one for awhile, but I guess its my responsibility to ‘fess up and face the music.
In the two or three months that I’ve been blogging here, the one theme that keeps bobbing its nasty little head up on the surface of the blogosphere is the stigma that most of the non-positive world assigns to people with HIV. I keep trying to push that sucker back down, but the fact is that I’ve been contributing to that stigma by hiding my face from the world. When Peter Staley and the folks here at POZ/AIDSMEDS invited me to write for them I agreed to do it with the understanding that instead of showing a clear picture of my face, I would post using only a filtered image. Its been great being able to write for you, but I haven’t been helping our community by hiding my face from the rest of the world. Its time I put a stop to it.
My name is David, and I have HIV.
I have had HIV since 1979 or 1980.
I’ve been incredibly fortunate. As I’ve said before, I’ve probably been living with HIV for as long or longer than any heterosexual human being in the world. Although I’ve had my share of medical lumps, bumps and bruises over the years, few of them were really HIV related. HIV was and still is a deadly virus, but it isn’t so much the fact of HIV that makes the non-positive world view us with disgust, disdain or pity as it is the underlying assumptions that people make that we are foolish or weak or wicked. Well, I’ve got news for you: I’m certainly not a perfect human being by a long shot, but I’ve done things in my 28 years of living with HIV that most people can’t even imagine.
While living with HIV I finished college and went to New York Law School, from which I graduated with honors in 1984. While in law school, I won the Eastern regional “best oralist” (!) title in the 1983 Jessup International Law moot court competition. I went on to place fourth in the world championships in Washington, D.C.
After law school I became associated with radical lawyer Lynne Stewart, the attorney convicted by the US government and sentenced to prison for assisting the terrorist blind sheikh Omar Abdel Rahman, who organized the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center. I established my own practice in New York City in 1986 at 305 Broadway in Lower Manhattan before moving to 41 Madison Avenue, at the northeast corner of Madison Square park. In 1989, one year after I tested positive, I became one of the youngest lawyers ever appointed to the federal Criminal Justice Act panel of defense lawyers in the Southern District of New York. In 1991 I won the case of United States v Nelson Cuevas-Ramirez, becoming the first and only criminal defense lawyer in the history of the United States to win a complete acquittal of a foreign national extradited from his home country by the US. Two years later, I persuaded the US government to drop all charges against one of three crew members captured aboard the cocaine smuggling fishing vessel Endeavor II, which had been seized off Panama loaded with 2000 kilograms of cocaine.
In 1995 I represented Luis Felipe, a/k/a “King Blood”, said to have been the founder of the Latin Kings gang in New York and charged with having ordered other gang members to execute his victims. My other clients have included John Surgent, the accused mastermind behind an alleged 46 million dollar stock swindle, and 1970's narcotrafficker Nicky “Mr. Untouchable” Barnes (you may remember him from “American Gangster”.) There have been many more, and I’m still at it, practicing as a criminal defense lawyer in the New York area and nationwide federal courts. Most of my federal work is now in the Eastern District of New York, where I am still on the CJA defender panel.
I’m not telling you this to brag about it - I am telling you this because its an example of how accomplished many of us are and what we can do. Nor do I wish to engage you in a debate about the American legal system. For better or worse, the system works, and not all of the people who become entangled in the legal system are bad people - some of them are perfectly decent and honorable folks who trip up. Life is complicated. Some of my clients are guilty and some are innocent. A lot of what criminal lawyers do is damage control - helping people get past the past. I suppose there is an irony in all of that, since I wouldn’t have HIV myself if I hadn’t used IV drugs some 30 odd years ago, but the fact is that these days I’m one of the good guys in our system, despite all of the stereotypes you see on TV and in the movies. And I am proud of that.
So here I am. A reasonably smart, reasonably regular guy, making a living and getting along.
And on top of that, I’m one of the best Scrabble players you’ll ever lose to.
Stigma is only a seven point word. It isn’t worth wasting the “S” on.
Comments (22)
Good for you!! What a list of accomplishments in a life lived full. I am utterly impressed at your bravery.
Posted by ebrown | March 4, 2008 7:24 PM
Posted on March 4, 2008 19:24
You are a handsome man!
Posted by Kel | March 4, 2008 8:42 PM
Posted on March 4, 2008 20:42
Kudos to you! I love your blog and am very impressed with your courage to "come out".
Posted by tony | March 4, 2008 10:30 PM
Posted on March 4, 2008 22:30
David,
Sending a huge hug your way, a Macy's Day-sized congratulations balloon and the words Thank You in skyscraper-sized letters.
As your friend, I have been waiting for this day. As your fellow positive citizen of the U.S., I know this will have helpful ramifications beyond your imaginings.
"but the fact is that I’ve been contributing to that stigma by hiding my face from the world." And, the deafening cognitive dissonance that this fact created in your head will help you to change the world outside the courtroom and perhaps from inside it as well.
You so brave, Dave. I promise I will think of you next week when I present as poz panelist for a National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness event.
Now, I'm gonna go re-read your entry. This is one helluva fine way to end the day.
L
A
Posted by emeraldize | March 4, 2008 11:47 PM
Posted on March 4, 2008 23:47
David
Another great post. Thanks.
I don't have half the accomplishments you've earned. Hell, I'm not even in the ballpark.
But I’m one of the best Scrabble players you’ll NEVER lose to. I'm always coming up with great 7 letter words and clearing my tray but the points don't amount to diddly squat.
robert
Posted by Robert | March 5, 2008 1:57 AM
Posted on March 5, 2008 01:57
Finally I get to see the face behind the words.You're a huge inspiration to me.Thank you for writing.Thank you for giving us hope.
Posted by Ellen | March 5, 2008 3:53 AM
Posted on March 5, 2008 03:53
AWSOME.
Posted by Dragonette | March 5, 2008 5:20 AM
Posted on March 5, 2008 05:20
You go David!
"AWSOME" is the word that comes to my mind as well.
Greetings from Amsterdam, ;-)
Posted by Freia | March 5, 2008 7:48 AM
Posted on March 5, 2008 07:48
David, a truly inspirational read. Good for you for putting a face to your blogging. I'm trying to finish a BS in psych (been + since 1989). Reading what you have accomplished gives me more motive to finish the damned thing. Thank you.
Posted by Betty Tacy | March 5, 2008 8:18 AM
Posted on March 5, 2008 08:18
You have a little of that dustin hoffman thing going for you.
Posted by Tommy | March 5, 2008 10:27 AM
Posted on March 5, 2008 10:27
Dustin Hoffman???
Posted by David | March 5, 2008 12:37 PM
Posted on March 5, 2008 12:37
David, Thank you.
Posted by Vanessa | March 5, 2008 4:58 PM
Posted on March 5, 2008 16:58
Kudos to coming out of the closet. With all the things you have accomplished in your life, you definitely put it all out there. I am just getting my voice when it comes to hiv but one day I hope to come out of my closet. Though I have not step all the way out, I have come a long way since just one year ago. The courage of you and others have me at the door peeking out. I am determined to get there though. And what you hiding that handsome mug for?
Posted by Michelle | March 6, 2008 12:56 AM
Posted on March 6, 2008 00:56
Dear David
I'm a South African 36 yr young African lady and living with HIV for 8 years now. I think by reading your successes, I now knwo that I've got 30 more years to this earth if not more. Thanks to people like yourselves. I wish you can come to South Africa and preach you gospel truth. BIG UP TO YOU. Maggie
Posted by Maggie | March 6, 2008 1:17 AM
Posted on March 6, 2008 01:17
Hi – It was interesting to hear from another long-termer. I was diagnosed about when you were, and I guess that I was one of the lucky ones. I didn’t really need any meds until there were at least some alternatives to that horrible little blue and white capsule of AZT that was about the only thing available when my partner at the time was diagnosed. Granted, he wasn’t diagnosed until he was full blown, but I'm still certain that the stuff hastened his deterioration. Anyway, the virus progressed fairly slowly in me and there was one thing I took that I can't remember the name of and then I graduated to 3TC and d4T, with one of each every morning and evening. Those two kept things well in hand until earlier this year and I was changed to Truvada. As soon as Atripla was released I changed to it not so much from necessity as for the convenience of only having to take one pill per day. Somehow through all this I managed to escape having to deal with the carefully time controlled use of the handfuls of pills that one reads about, and never did have to even think about such things as Protease Inhibitors.
So now here I am, not without medical problems, but none that seem to have any relation to HIV. As the headline in today’s newsletter says about the lack of relevance of worrying about heart problems, the meds certainly haven’t led to any trouble in that area for me. I stand a much greater chance of having my liver kill me than the HIV. I'm pretty sure that the HEP C is the result of some rather bad habits that I had for a while in my remote past. At least for quite a while now I've changed to completely remove any danger of infecting anyone else with what I've got riding around inside me. But what the heck, getting here has been quite an adventure and it seems like every day I see people of my age, 57, in the obits so it seems that somehow fate is smiling on me and its getting to be that each day is almost an unexpected dividend. Sure there are challenges that come along, but without them life might actually get boring.
I guess I'll relinquish this page by urging anyone who may have joined our ranks recently to: first, be responsible in your relations with others and second, if you’ve been started on any meds be sure to take them as prescribed. In this country there is really no reason to let HIV take you out, and with pill protocols being as they have come to be there's really no reason for anyone who doesn’t have a need to know to have any idea about your condition. Good Luck!
Posted by Charles J Etheridge | March 6, 2008 2:38 AM
Posted on March 6, 2008 02:38
Hi David ,I must say tumbs up and hats off to you.I am more than greatful for the blog u posted .You have just given me reasons to go on also to try and accomplish all my goals in life i would like to accomplish.my girlfriend from jamaica is also impressed,what more can we say all but you just made our day.keep doing this.I do hope the folks from my country Guyana read this and start being moore positive in all the do
Posted by sharon | March 6, 2008 3:38 PM
Posted on March 6, 2008 15:38
Hello David. This post fills me with admiration for you and gives me a role model for the ambitious life I plan, as a 48-year old HIV positive man. I have been reading your blog for a month and I find your writing to be unusually well-grounded, hopeful in tone, and yet frank and blunt about our challenges as poz people in our society.
Thanks for your contributions. You rub off on others in ways you will never know.
Posted by Northwest | March 7, 2008 12:59 AM
Posted on March 7, 2008 00:59
Your accomplishments are impressive but would be more so if you had used your talents to represent ethical, law abiding clients instead of coke smugglers and terrorists!
Posted by Charles | March 8, 2008 12:16 PM
Posted on March 8, 2008 12:16
THNKS for saying what is all too true, even ther poz guys have trouble dealing with us. every time i tell someone im poz they stop talking to me or ignore me. i dnt have time t deal with their ignorance, keep the faith rex
Posted by rex schadow | March 8, 2008 3:10 PM
Posted on March 8, 2008 15:10
David,
I know the courage it took you to post your picture and I am so very proud of you.
Posted by Elaine | March 10, 2008 11:30 AM
Posted on March 10, 2008 11:30
From members of the Youth Awareness Movement Against AIDS in Africa(YAMAA),base in Nigeria, we are sending our love to you. love is a four letter word that can kill stigma if only we can express it.In our organisation, we are ambassadors against stigma and discrimination and ordained as prophets of love...yamaamember@yahoo.com
Posted by DAVID AYEGBA | March 10, 2008 3:49 PM
Posted on March 10, 2008 15:49
March 31st, 2008
I just watched the interview with Jake Glaser this morning
and felt it was very SAD that this story came
out to "promote" AZT, a drug that probably
caused his mom and sister's death - and his life
is saved because he is not on such a drug.
Why didn't that show do a story on the December 2007
VERDICT of the women that won millions because
of the HIV tests - and showed she had signs of AIDS
"from" the medicine?
I had hoped the days were over
that the pharmaceutical companies were going to cover
for these drugs. I do not believe there is anything called HIV (no virus), but that the HIV medications CAUSED AIDS.
Instead Jake Glaser - in my opinion should be SUEING for wrongful death of his mom and sister, and not promoting AZT as a miracle drug - when it could have been what killed two members of his family. Maybe he just believed a LIE all these years, and needs to know the truth, and can "someday" be a spokesperson to really HELP.
Please get this information to Jake - so he can at least do his own research on HOW his mom and sister died. The truth sets us free! I don't think he knows the truth. Jake seemed like such a nice kid - I felt he really should have this information. I know someone from high school that took AZT and died too, and left behind a daughter with no mom (she also died after her boyfriend died). I also believed the HIV lie too - UNTIL I meet a homeless man in Times Square that told me and someone I was with that day..that he was diagnosed with HIV back around 1982 along with about 5 of his friends (all drug users - with needles) and his friends took the AZT and felt great for weeks (as at first it killed off all bad viruses in their body assumably - but THEN it supposably kills off your natural immune system - what fights sickness and ends up killing you from my understanding) and then a long painful death that took about 8-9 years. The homeless man lived on the street - did drugs and drank alcohol, smoked - etc., and is a HEALTHY man to this day...still living on the streets and NEVER got AIDS - and still reads HIV positive. The ONLY one of his friends ALIVE and the difference is - he did NOT take the AZT and his friends did. I hardly call AZT a "miracle drug", maybe a better word could be (in my opinion) is a DEATH SENTENCE to those that take or took it. I am not sure if they even use it anymore - because of so many deaths and the controversy of the drug.
He needed to take a look at these webpages:
http://www.newmediaexplorer.org/sepp/2004/07/15/aids_experiments_on_children_in_new_yorks_incarnation_center_a_human_tragedy.htm
http://www.flingr.com/blogs/action/showblog/ToDate/-1/UserID/521/
Posted: 11/27/07 4:55 am
RETHINKING AIDS.............
http://www.rethinkingaids.com/
http://www.rethinkingaids.com/quotes/rethinkers.htm
http://www.shirleys-wellness-cafe.com/aids.htm
Also - a good webpage is:
www.chick.com :)
Posted by Saved | March 31, 2008 2:05 PM
Posted on March 31, 2008 14:05