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December 31, 2004
Time
Tick, tick, tick....time to get my blood work done again.
Tick, tick, tick....waiting on the results.
Why do I always feel my life hangs in the balance?
Posted by aster1961 at 08:25 AM
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December 25, 2004
Merry Christmas
It's a different kind of Christmas this year. I've been feeling like Christmas just isn't going to make it.
My daughter is in her first really serious relationship and was off last night doing the family thing with her boyfriend's family. Meeting all the extended family for dinner and then midnight service. She's rarely home anymore and pretty much wrapped up in her own life...I remember back to when I was 17...almost 18...I was pretty much the same.
My son is 15 and has recently turned into a 5'10", 140 lb bundle of sheer teenage rebellion. He stay's pretty much shut away from the world in his room these days. He and I are a lot alike in someways and I see the road he's headed down in school. I see the mistakes he's making from the vantage point of knowing he can regret the decisions he's making about his school work in the years to come. I see the look in his eyes when I'm trying to talk to him about school and I remember what I was thinking to myself at that age during the same conversations with my Mom. I'm going to have to come up with some creative ways to get him motivated. I imagine I'm in for a few years of butting heads with him.
The two of them haven't stopped bickering when they are together for the last week.
My husband has a chest cold which is hanging on....and worries me.
My truck's transmission went out last weekend.
On and on it goes. So where is Christmas? Peace on earth (or at least in the house) and goodwill toward man. We have such high expectations for this time of year. Things are supposed to be different, but life doesn't change just because of a holiday.
It's occurred to me that if the challenges of life keep presenting themselves even during the Christmas season, then the gifts of the Christmas season must be around all year...so I did a little thinking back.
When my truck went down, I told my daughter I was going to have to take my old truck back for a while. She's been using it the last 5 months and we all pretty much consider it hers. She kissed me on the cheek and said "I'll get my stuff out of it right now. Don't worry Mom."
And sometimes in the morning when I get up to make coffee I find that the coffee pot is all set up and all I have to do is push the on button.
My son will, out of the blue, come up and give me a hug....sometimes flipping me up over his shoulder just to show me how much bigger he is than me. He and I also sometimes find ourselves actually having a conversation. He's a pretty interesting fellow, someone worth getting to know.
My husband calls me if I forget to call him to let him know I've arrived at work safe and sound. I work about 90 miles from home and he worries about me on the road. He also keeps up with the maintenance on the truck, tires, oil changes, etc. He knows I won't.
It's these little things that can be so easily overlooked that are really important. Selfless acts, concern over someone else, little things to bring a smile to someone else. You won't find these gifts under the tree. They are with us all year long.
Posted by aster1961 at 06:59 AM
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December 03, 2004
The Question
I guess I have a dual viewpoint. Not only do I live with HIV, but I also have a loved one of with AIDS. From time to time it causes a bit of verbal gymnastics in terms of answering questions from co-workers.
We're both pretty easy going about our status in our personal life. However, I'm not willing to disclose to people I work with. Unlike in my personal life, if a person can't handle it, I just don't deal with them. I have to interact with the people I work with...and of course the topic is great fodder for office gossip.
I temp, so I have an excuse to stay somewhat aloof. After all, I'm only going to be around for a few months at most. The down side is the initial 'getting to know you' questions that come up in causal office conversations each time I switch assignments.
The hardest is 'What does your husband do?'. I learned early on not to tell the truth....'He's on disability' will only bring the inevitable question...'Why?'. I tried giving him Cancer, but unfortunately the person I was talking to knew someone that, knew someone with the type I had given my husband and then wanted to know what kind of treatment he was under....I really hadn't planned on all that.
Yeah, I've learned a lot about side-stepping since then. I now have a repertoire of suitably vague answers. I'm pretty good at the direct question.
It's the one out of the blue, from what I think, is a total unrelated topic that gets me. Yesterday we happened to be talking about car repairs and I happened to mention that my husband was driving a friend of ours up to PA to pick up his car that had broken down and he had to leave up there last week to be fixed. The response was something like "That's nice of him....must be nice to be able to just take off work....how'd he get his boss to let him take off"
Now mind you, the person saying this had just gone the rounds with her boss about taking the afternoon off.
The question itself was easily brushed off. I know it's not a huge thing. It's just that I HATE getting hit out of the blue with something like this. It's like a sucker punch. Not only because it leaves me scrambling to answer, but because of the feelings it brings up in me. It reminds me that I have to live with a secret. That I have to be constantly alert to ways I could slip up. I have something to hide. I have to maintain distance from people. I still have to lead a double life. It really sucks.
Posted by aster1961 at 06:08 AM
Comments? Post them in our "Comments on The HIV Blogs" forum.