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March 14, 2005
I Hate
I've just spent the last hour in the tub....ranting and raving...and crying a river. It's a safe place to cry. You see, last Thursday the nurse from my doctor's office call. He said that my doctor wanted to talk to me about my lastest tests. I saw him this afternoon. The jist is that I can't procrastinate anymore. My CD4 counts are down, viral load up. As he put it..."my life depends on going back on medication" No more putzing around, I have to.
I hate it. I hate what it reminds me of....the mistakes I made. I hate myself. I hate the uncertainty it brings. I hate the loss of freedom as I condemn myself to regiment. I hate the fact my mortality comes so clearly in focus. I hate that it tells me I'm losing the battle. I'm losing. I'm not strong enough. I can't hold my own. This is my body. MINE!!! Not yours. How dare you take over me!
Posted by aster1961 at 06:54 PM
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