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May 30, 2005
THRIVE.ISH.ING!
My husband has a tendancy to use the wrong word in a sentence...or just come up with one on his own. We're all use to it and it doesn't hinder understanding what he means.
However he has now come up with a priceless word.
The other evening we were walking around the yard checking out the dozens of trees he's planted in the last 6 years. I happened to mention I didn't think the Smoke Trees were doing very well. At which point he looked at me incredulously and said "Are you kidding? They're THRIVEISHING!"
I see...I stand corrected. I immediately liked that word. It just says so much more than just plain old thriving.
I've decided that it's a much better goal to shoot for. I don't intend to live and thrive anymore. I intend to THRIVEISH! I suppose that would be the root, but it's hard to know. What I do know is that this little word seems to speak of unbridled exuberance...better than better. Exactly what I want in my life.
Posted by aster1961 at 09:49 AM
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May 27, 2005
Charmed by the Numbers
My daughter got me hooked on Charmed ages ago. For those that don't know about Charmed, it's about 3 sisters that are witches dealing with demons and life. It's got some drama. It's got some comedy. It's a good little escape.
I've become a great fan and promptly at 6pm EST I'm down in front of the TV ready to go. After I wrote that line in my blog about 'a boiling cauldron of heady emotion'...it occured to me that the show is certainly has had an influence on me.
My husband doesn't quite feel the way I do about Charmed. His favorite pastime during Charmed is to see how much he can annoy me.
He sometimes breaks out in his little off the wall dirty little ditty's during the show. He's got this amazing ability to rhyme at the drop of a hat. I appreciate that talent, but not during Charmed. He gets shushed by me often. The truth is that they are re-runs and I know what's going to happen, so it isnt' like I'm missing anything. But still...it screws up the flow.
Now we have this friend, Steve. He's quite an eccentric person. He's a truly gifted carpenter that views his work as an art form. He doesn't feel the need for amenities in his life, such as TVs, phones, kitchen applicances ...or running water for that matter. He kinda pops in and out morning, noon or night and I've learned not to expect him until I see him.
Steve is not considered company, but family, so he too has been shushed by me often. If you're at my house at 6, you need to be quiet. Lately I've noticed him appearing right around 6 more and more often in the evenings. He's also started shushing my husband from time to time.
A few nights ago, he appeared about 5 minutes to 6 anxiously asking if Charmed had started. This is when my suspicisons were confirmed. He's hooked. The next evening when he appeared he came with a notepad in his hands. In order to save ourselves time and cut down on talk, he had organized the responses needed for my husband when he interrupts. Steve says all we need to do is deal with him by the number:
1. Shhhhhh!
2. Please, I'm Obsessive-Complusive. I need my Charmed fix.
3. How rude! Can't you see I'm involved.
4. With all due respect and from the bottom of my heart. Please shut up.
5. OK, commerical. You can talk now. Followed by...
6. OK. Be quiet. It's back on.
Steve and I are hoping this new system will increase our viewing pleasure, but I'm not too sure about that. It seems that all this has spurred my husband on to finding new ways to distract us. It's become quite a fun game we play and I think all three of us now spend more time laughing about keeping my husband quiet, then we do watching the show.
Steve said the other night, that it reminded him of when he was a kid and everyone gathered around for 'Wild Kingdom' and Disney on Sunday nights. It was something you looked forward to all week. For those of us that remember when the TV only had 3 channels we know what he means. I look forward to 6 pm. Not only because Charmed is on, but I know that hour will bring a lot of laughter and companionship.
Posted by aster1961 at 07:41 AM
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May 25, 2005
Crying over Spilled Milk
OK, so I'm not exactly crying over it, but the smell is enough to bring tears to my eyes.
Last week I was merrily driving down the road, when I kept getting a wiff of something sour. Upon further inspection I found a gallon a milk pushed under the back seat and the smell came from the fact that some had leaked out. I had missed it while unloading grocery's. I hadn't even noticed it hadn't made it into the house. Here I thought my son had just gone through yet another gallon when he complained about no milk in the house.
I've tried various things to get rid of THAT SMELL...too no avail. I have scrub, deodorized...FEBRIZED...and of course hoped it would magically disappear. It hasn't. I've been driving my old truck, but today I had to take this one. I opened the door and the smell just washed over me....strong as ever.
Somehow this just doesn't surprise me. I'm the one that walks into a fancy restuarant only to have my half slip...slip down to my ankles because the only one I could find when I need one had a loose band.
I can never seem to get out the door without a least one trip back into the house because I forgot and now.....can't find my keys... purse.... wallet.... coffee... shoes....
I envy organized people. They just have it so together. Things run like clockwork. They always know where things are. "I am aware of things, you need to be more aware" my husband tells me as I ask once again..."Do you know where I put my .....?" What really bites is 9 times out of 10 he does know where I put whatever it is I've lost.
I try...I don't really hold out much hope. Somehow I'm probably just never going to get the hang of being organized and oh so well put together. In the meantime does anyone know how to get THAT SMELL out of upholstery?
Posted by aster1961 at 05:10 PM
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I'm Less Fed Up
I really don't like to fight and I hate tension in the household. Oh well, you can't always hide from it.
I feel much better this morning. I also allowed myself a bit of ranting, raving and screaming last night.
Nothing is settled. But eventually I suppose there will come a resolution.
I just don't understand all this. I've never encountered...much less heard of a situation where 2 people can be legally married, but the marriage not recognized by one of the parties family all because it wasn't in the church. It makes no sense to me.
She went with them on a family vacation for a week. I was hoping things might get worked out while they were gone. Maybe they could come up with a solution while relaxed on vacation, but that wasn't the case. I did however enjoy 'my' vacation from the drama.
Annulment is out of the question in this state. They don't meet the conditions. For a divorce neither can see the other for six months...which they won't do...besides why go through all that and the expense just to turn around and be married again? It seems so simply that the Priest can Bless the Marriage and put an end to this, but even that isn't acceptable to the other mother-in-law. There is a glimmer of hope. It seems his father is starting to accept all this...I don't think he ever had near the problem with it that she did.
So we're still in limbo. He's living at home. She...well, she moved out into a friend of her mother-in-law's, but I see more of her now than I did before. She spends most nights here. Since her furniture and stuff is over there, she's camping out in the basement. I've told her to get her stuff and just move home until this is all settled.
I get so mad sometimes at this son-in-law of mine. He needs a backbone, but then I try to put myself in his shoes and understand that he was raised totally different than my kids and never was taught to stand up for himself. I guess if you've never learned you can't just start.
Well at least the steam valve got loosened for a bit and a little of the pressure is off....for now.
Lord, I hope this gets resolved soon.
Posted by aster1961 at 07:09 AM
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May 24, 2005
I am Fed Up
I am so fed up tonight. I'm mad at my husband who has no patience and seems only to want to make a bad situation worse. I'm fed up at my daugher for making such a STUPID decision as to get married too young. I'm fed up with my son-in-law for not stepping up to the plate. I'm fed up with his mother who refuses to recognize the marriage, just because it wasn't in the church. I'm fed up with the Priest because after he says he can bless the marriage which then will be recognized by the church, isn't available to get THIS DONE.
I'm fed up. I'm fed up with all this anger. I'm fed up with having my life left up in the air. I'm fed up with two kids that can't take a stand. I'm fed up with the rift this is causing. I'm just fed up.
Posted by aster1961 at 08:10 PM
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May 23, 2005
The Other Side
I'm a little surprised I don't have Libra somewhere prominently placed in my chart. I like balance. I like to try and understand all sides.
My post on the Fears forum caused some controversy and there was some debate over the whole thing. It was a topic that needed to be discussed.
But now I think it's time to try and understand the other side.
Lately I've noticed a tendency to be short tempered with the people over on the fears fourm. I am sometimes guilty of this also. I see this behavior, not only in those of us that are HIV+, but in people that have gone through the scary experience of testing and now stay to help. I know some of this has been caused by the nuisance of multiple posters, there is a limit, and they need to be dealt with......but other people are getting caught in the crossfire. People that don't deserve to be.
I first started posting to people that Feared HIV about 5...maybe 6 years ago. When I started, I was going through my own rough time, and following the words of my mother when I was growing up...when you have problems it's sometimes better to focus on other people's problems. You can discover yours might not be so bad. So I posted...and continue to post because I get something out of it. I feel good being able to help people. It helps to put my own problems into perspective sometimes. All of us that post on the Fears forum get something out of it...or we wouldn't bother to do it.
I know the repetitious threads by new people with the same questions get tiresome. We've seen it all and heard it all before. We've dealt with the same topics for hundreds of posters, hundreds of times. It's old hat. We get jaded.
However, for the new posters, this isn't old hat. This is new and scary. Yes, they could see the answers from a dozen different threads for the same exposure, but they feel they are the unlucky one...they are different. If we are honest with ourselves I think we'd all have to agree...we've felt that way at some point in our life.
I know that there are posters that no matter what is said to them will choose to continue to let their fear ruin their lives. They will continue to seek reassurance. Over and over and over again. No, it isn't our job to provide constant assurances. But I wonder sometimes if the 'tough love' is what they really need. They are at a point that they will allow their dignity to be minimized by putting up with insults in order to get any glimmer of hope. Personally it makes me uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to be treated that way...would you?
I know that some of the questions just scream of ignorance about this disease, but isn't that part of the reason the forum exists? Aren't we here to try and educate? To help clear up myths and misconceptions? To teach? I know that's one of my reasons for doing so...again, enlightment benefits me...so I'm getting something out of it.
I know the fears forum is a caldron of heady emotions. Energized with fearful souls. It will sap you. Your patience will wear thin. There are times I wear out on it. I find myself becoming snappy. I know it's time to take a break for a while. Rest up.
Sometimes we can help...and more people than you know...not everyone that reads these pages ever logs in...they quietly get through but can take comfort in our words...have their eyes opened...
Sometimes we can't help...it's beyond our realm...instead of verbally abusing, perhaps it's best to step back quietly and say no more. Sometimes silence is the best help we can offer.
I just think it might make for a more peaceful place if we all remember that sometime, for some reason, in our lives ....we've been that scared person with run away emotions.
We ask that we are heard and understood. We need to be mindful that people with a fear of this disease also need to be heard and understood.
Posted by aster1961 at 11:26 AM
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May 20, 2005
A Lazy Day
We woke up this morning to gray skies and quite a bit of rain. It's been raining on and off all morning. Every one is out of the house and I have the rare opportunity of having the house to myself today.
I love these types of days once in a while. I can't get outdoors so I don't feel guilt over things that need to be done. However it also means I don't have an excuse for not catching up on things indoors that need to be done. OK, so I've got a load of laundry started and I made myself sit down this morning and see what shape the checking account is in. It's not pretty and I know I have to go find a job soon. I've taken off the last 5 weeks.
I got tired of commuting into the city. I was on the road 3 hours a day. I signed up with a temp agency out here...we're growing so fast the jobs are getting better....however it seems the health insurance benefits at this place were just a passing after thought...so I quit. I'm on COBRA now and have time, but I will have to get my insurance settled before long.
What I'd love to do is find something at home on the computer with benefits. Wouldn't we all :)
Anyway, that's all to deal with next week. Today, I'm just puttering and figured it was high time to clean out my computer picture files and do a little organizing. The one thing I've found out about digitals....you end up with a LOT of pictures. I thought I'd share some of my favorite pictures with you.
This was one of the first ones I took with my first digital. I didn't realize it had two settings when I turned it on...regular and the zoom. I had put the camera on zoom. Lucky mistake.
We travel when we can. Mostly road trips, but a few years ago we took a cruise over Thanksgiving. One of the ports was Grand Cayman. Not ones to do the 'cruise tours' we rented a Tracker and set off on our own. I think it's a lot more fun...and certainly more adventurous. We came across these carvings. Someone is certainly very talented. I think these are such fun! I smile every time I see them.
A couple of summers ago, we went over to a friend's house. He has a bit of property and in the evenings the deer show up in his lower field. We sat out there one evening waiting for them to show up so I could take some pictures. I took this shot while killing time...waiting. The deer never showed, funny how they only seem to appear when you least expect them, jumping out in front of vehicles...causing adrenalin rushes.
This one was also from the cruise. Just down this old sand road from Costa Maya. Costa Maya was created just for the crusie ship business and we skipped out of there as fast as we could. No Trackers here...but we found some bikes to rent. The very first thing we noticed after leaving Costa Maya was the abject poverty that was all around.
A short way down the road we came upon this HUGE mound of dirt across the road. Upon further inspection we found that on the other side of the mound was a deep ditch about 3 feet wide ...we were standing there scratching our heads trying to figure out how to get across when a woman leaned out the window of her shack speaking rapid fire Spanish. It took a little while for my brain to kick in and remember a little bit of my high school Spanish almost 30 years ago, but I got the message she was telling us to cut through her yard and cross on the other side of her house.
Yard might not be the best term...more dirt and sand. However we walked our bikes around....pass the pig that was sleeping under a tree and got to the crossing. There were several men there, they were the ones hand digging this ditch. They were very nice and help me and my bike across..and continued to walk with me down the road. Me smiling at them, they smiling at me. We were all having a fine time. About then I heard my husband yell....'Hey, what about me?' We'd forgotton all about him and left him behind. He did manage to get across....by himself.
We came across this house a little ways down the road. It just said something to me with it’s mismatched colors joyfully proclaiming it’s existence.
This next picture isn't so great as pictures go, but I like the memories it brings. We had taken the kids on vacation to the West Coast of Florida last summer. We took them canoeing on the Swannee and ventured up in to the swamp at this point. I'm not big on creepy crawlies, gators or snakes. So I was pretty proud of myself for going up there. I was just sure we'd encounter something. My husband took advantage of my weakness and would slap the paddle on the water from time to time, making me jump....Nice guy.
I really don't know what it is about this one, but I like it. There's this junk yard a few miles from us. Everywhere you look you see old junked vehicles.
I hear the dryer buzzing so I'll just show this last one for now.
It's not often you can see a double rainbow. There's one just to the right of the main one.
Well I hope you enjoyed the pictures...and I hope you enjoy the day.
Posted by aster1961 at 12:35 PM
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May 19, 2005
The Little Things
The subject of isolation and HIV has been batted around on the Living With forum lately. I was thinking about that yesterday. I think sometimes it's harder to deal with the little things that seperate us, then the bigger issues.
I guess I already had this on my mind. There were 2 posts on the Fears Forum that I happened to read yesterday. In both the word "clean" was used as meaning a person not infected. Clothes are either clean or dirty. Dishes are either clean or dirty. My truck is either clean or dirty....most often dirty. So if clean means not infected, then conversly, being infected must mean you are dirty. It draws a line. Either you are or you aren't.
Now I know that the people that post in the Fears section probably have no idea how this one little word can affect people living with HIV. It's not a big issue, but it keeps coming up....something akin to the 'Chinese Water Torture'.
The other night I happened to watch "Dog, The Bounty Hunter". On this episode they were picking up a guy that is an IV drug user. The issue of him probably having AIDS was brought up and a big deal was made about gloves, and not touching him any more than they had to. Now, I realize that precautions may need to be taken. However while they showed his track marks, I didn't see that he was bleeding anywhere. But they went to the extreme with all the 'Don't touch him' crap...making it sound as if you can't even touch the skin safely. It just sends the message that we are dangerous people. I don't see myself as particularly dangerous person. Certainly not enough to strike terror in bounty hunters.
It's the conversations you sometimes overhear at work. Misconspections being perputuated. You want to open your mouth and set the record straight, but in doing so you risk exposure...so the mouth stays closed and the distance between us all grows greater.
It's these little things that cause us to live in a world of half-truths and double lives. It's these little things, that on their own don't amount to much, but day after day add up to the isolation we all sometimes feel.
Posted by aster1961 at 07:35 AM
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May 18, 2005
Chaos in Puppy Land
To begin with, I'm a cat person. Living with 2 dogs. Ida was a weak moment of mine when I agreed to her and Sandi...well she needed a home and I sure as the world wasn't going to turn her away. She showed up in our yard one summer evening, starving and beaten. That was 5 years ago.
Now, my husband and I have found ourselves the 'grandparents' of my daughter's puppy, Cooper. She's moved out. He's still here. The 'girls' are showing their age and are quite sedate at this point, preferring to find some shady spot and just watch the world go by. I had forgotten just how many things a puppy can get into.
Cooper is now about 8 months. He's a pound puppy. He's a mutt, a mix of some larger breeds, with great big ungainly paws. He's pretty smart. Certainly he has learned to stay away from my Calico. She doesn't like him and has really good aim with those claws of hers when he gets his nose to close to her.
He, like any puppy likes to chew....but not just anything...certainly not his chew toys. He seems to like cardboard, plastic plant packs, plants, shoes, furniture, cut up firewood ...and Sandi's ears.
Gardening has been a real challenge this spring. He doesn't know plants are suppose to stay where I plant them.
I've just spent the last 20 minutes or so hunting down my brand new Banana plants. I ordered them in Feb. and just got them yesterday. I happened to notice that the 3 containers were empty. Yep, he got them. Had them spread throughout the yard. I live on an acre so that's a lot of yard to have to hunt around. I can see why he thought they might be fun to chew. Sitting in their containers it looks like I stuck sticks in the dirt. We found them....all over...slightly chewed. The root balls looks unharmed. So I've plopped them back in the planters and we'll see what happens.
He's fasincated with the fish in the pond. I'm waiting for him to fall in. The rocks around the pond are not stable and one of these days he's going to lunge and find himself smack dab in the middle of the pond.
While the older dogs have learned to mostly stay out of the garden beds, the puppy hasn't quite learned that. Of course it doesn't help that Ida has figured out a way to lure him into the beds, while herself staying safely out of them. She then pulls off one of those distinct hound howls causing someone to see what is happening. Poor puppy gets yelled at and Ida walks away with what I swear is a smirk on her face.
I guess that's fair in some sense. Ida and Sandi have to put up with him. He wants to play. Sandi is more willing to play with him, but I imagine she's tired of him chewing on her ears. She puts up with it for a while, then will turn around and snarl at him. Cooper's smart enough to back off for.... a little while...then they're off again. Wrestling with each other.
We also have the added entertainment from the fact that Cooper is not yet fixed. He has urges. The 'girls' are fixed and just find his attempts annoying. We find it pretty funny to watch him keep trying when they have had enough of him jumping on them and they just sit down refusing to budge for him I guess that's the dog version of "Not now, I have a headache."
Yes, he's brought chaos to the household. He's also brought a lot of laughter and energy. The older dogs are playing...that's good for them and we really enjoy watching them. He's just as lovable as can be, especially when he's trying to get out of trouble with 'grandma'. His sense of wonder and excitment at all the new things he encounters, reminds me that it's good to maintain that sense of wonder. That's the really great thing about a young dog, kitten, or child. They energize their surroundings. They shake things up.
I still consider myself a cat person, but I have to admit. I can't imagine how boring it would be around here without my dogs. Especially that puppy.
Posted by aster1961 at 08:18 AM
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May 17, 2005
Live in the Moment
I was laying in bed this morning....that brief time between sleep and waking...when you aren't really in either state. It's said that in that brief time your higher conscience has a chance to speak to you. You're awake enough to hear, but your conscience isn't awake enough to filter the message out.
So what do I hear? You guessed it....Live in the Moment. That was it. I finished waking thinking to myself..."Geeez, how trite." But then I thought...well if you only have a moment to get a message through I guess you'd have to use a sound bite.
Upon further reflection, I figure this really was good advice for me. So much in my life is now out of my control. Worry and I are becoming good friends...and Worry has brought along, Stress, Anxiety, Fear and Depression to keep me company.
So for today, I'm going to give it a try. I can't change my Dad's health. I can't change my daughter's choices. I can however, go unload that truck load of mulch. I can spend that time, feeling the warmth of the mulch. Smelling the goodness of the earth. Enjoying the warmth of the Sun. I can stand and look out on the mountains and sense the subtle color changes as the clouds shawdow the land.
It sure sounds better than just throwing the mulch on the flower beds while wasting my time fretting over things I can't change. Moving like a Zombie through my world, not paying any mind to what's here and now.
I know it won't change anything. These challenges will still be here, but they are for another moment to deal with. For today, I'm going to take a break. For today, I'm just going to try to Live in the Moment....no matter how trite the advice, it's what I needed to hear.
Posted by aster1961 at 08:53 AM
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May 16, 2005
Daddy's Little Girl
I was lucky. I was born the middle child which is supposed to be a rough spot in the sibling order of things, but I'm the only girl. That gave me an edge over my brothers. I have always had my father wrapped around my little finger. I was spoiled. Now I'm losing him.
My dad has Alzheimers. He was diagnosis with it about 4 years ago. I've watched his slow progression into this world. I've watched his frustration and pain with knowing he was getting worse and not being able to control his descent. I've watched his world become more and more limited. My dad who once could fix anything, now still trys. He takes things apart, but can't remember how to put them back together. He now can't find his way up the driveway to the mailbox and many times gets lost in the house.
He now also has Cancer. Treatment is not recommeded in his case. The Cancer is going to kill him.
The good news, so says the doctor, is that it's a better way to go than Alzheimers. That may very well be. He won't slip off so far that he becomes a total shell of the person he was. He also doesn't feel the pain of the Cancer because that part of his brain is no longer functioning.
It's that age old issue of Quality vs. Quantity. He's 86 so he's had the Quantity and the Quality of his life has eroded so much over time and will only continue to do so. Sounds so simple. Sounds so easy. Until emotions get in the way....and they sure get in the way.
Last week as I sat at their kitchen table crying over my Girl Gone Wild, scared about the choices she's making that I can't stop, he stood behind me with his hands on my shoulders for a long time. Supporting me. Giving me comfort. Him, telling me that things will work out.
I'm a jumble of emotions. I'm scared about not having him in my life. I worry about my mother. I fear my own future, children of Alzheimers patients have a 25% greater chance than the general public of having it. I worry about how he's dealing with it...or if he's capable of dealing with all this.
Memories of my childhood have been flooding back. Sailing with my Dad. Nagging him to teach me how to operate the big machinery at the family business. Helping him fix things...which consisted of my holding the tools. Dad chasing off a young man he found unsuitable to be in my company. Giving me and my kids tractor rides around the farm in the front end loader.
I got my love of gardening from him. He could get anything to grow. When I was a teenager I had this Baby's Tears plant. I managed to pretty much kill it. It had one green leaf left. Dad brought it back to life.
My Dad is dying and I have to learn how to accept this.
Posted by aster1961 at 07:33 AM
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May 08, 2005
Lessons in Gardening
I love to garden...OK....that's an understatement.
I started to grow a few flowers just because I like flowers in the house and I didn't want to pay the outrageous prices for a bundle of flowers at the grocery store. Since that time my passion for gardening and my need to create my own special sanctuary has grown.
I've spent the better part of the last few months getting the clean up done. The flower beds look very bleak at this time of year. Here's a couple of the beds in the back yard.
Each spring I need to get the dead annuals pulled out. Trim back the dead stalks of the Shasta's , Black-Eyed Susan's, Praire Sun Flowers and the Yarrow....and of course dig out a few more weeds. The battle over weeds is never ending....though a few are allowed to survive in my flower beds if they are striking and don't cause me too much headache. One must learn to co-exist, even with weeds.
As always gardening is my thinking time. I get a bit philosophical about my gardening and have noticed some common things between gardening and life in general.
Planning: Mine starts in January. I pour over seed and plant catalogs. I do a layout of how I want each flower bed to look. What types of flowers...when do they bloom. What colors and textures do I want to put together. The new flowers I want to try have to be worked into the perennials that are already there.
It always helps to have a plan.
Preparation: About March when the weather breaks it's time for me to spend a few weeks getting the flower beds ready. Cleanup. and then I've got to till in thge Manure and Peat. Weed control. The perennials have to be checked and thinned. The annuals coming back from seed must be thinned also. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.
The work is physical and I spend the first few days nursing aching muscles and back. I start to build callus on hands grown soft in the winter and from here until fall I will constantly have a dozen nicks, scratches and cuts all over them at any one time and I can never seem to get all the dirt out from underneath my nails. But it's all good. It's some of the best exercise you can get. I benefit. The plants will benefit.
To get good results you have to put in the work.
Planting: The reward for all that hard work preparing is the next step. Planting seeds and new plants started from seed chosen from those catalogs back in January.
I take over the garage. We've closed it in and it's supposed to become a game room...but that's another story. Anyway seed trays and Jiffy cups can be found everywhere. The windows glow from the grow lights. I nurse these little seedlings, coaxing them to grow.
One of the most important steps with seedlings is letting them harden off. They need to slowly get use to the environment outdoors with it's strong sun, sometimes hard winds and the changes of temperature.
The preparation and the planting is the time to give these plants the best start possible. After they are in the flower beds, they will have to put down their roots and do their thing.
I guess that's kinda like kids. We have to give them the best start possible, but there comes a time when they have to grow on their own. Something I need to be reminded of lately.
Adversity: Ah...adversity....the biggie.
We live on a low ridge between the Allegheny and the Blue Ridge mountain ranges. We're prone to high winds that rush down off the mountains to the west. This wind pattern also seems to cause the summer thunderheads to pass over us and collect on the eastern range. Many times the sun shines in my yard and I can watch the rain to the east. We live on a well and when it's very dry I can't waste water on flowers...of course that's what my husband says...until I threaten to rip out every plant instead of seeing them wither away...at which point the hose comes out.
We also can get the other side. Heavy rains and strong winds that beat the plants down. Ripping the leaves off, breaking stalks.
Late spring frosts have taken a few hits. Each spring as the perennials start to come out of dormancy, I find I've lost a few to winter kill.
The dogs are no help either. They do their fair share of digging and tromping through the beds. I try to co-exist with them. I've learned not to plant anything in what they consider their short-cuts through the flower beds. At least I know where to put the stepping stones. This year we have the addition of my daughter's 7 month old puppy. He hasn't learned that plants are suppose to stay in the ground. Reminds me when one of the older dogs was young. She seem to feel the pond looked better without the pond plants.
Bugs and weeds are a constant. Sometimes I win over them. Sometimes they win over me. Last year I found the Japanese Beetles had dined on every single one of my Aster blooms overnight. It was a sad sight. Nothing to do, but pull them out and find something to replace the hole left by them.
Adversity is part of gardening and you learned to deal with it. Make compromises. Be flexible and change plans mid-way sometimes....such as with life.
People ask me why I bother. It's a lot of work. I say it isn't work when you love doing it. I love the connection to nature...to the earth.
On days when the breeze is blowing gently, and the sun is shinning down on my back. The mountains are crystal clear and the sky a vivid blue I can't think of another place I rather be. With my MP3 player cranked, digging in the warm earth, watching my garden transform.
It's on these types of days when I feel so connected to the universe, that all feels right in my world. There are no problems to great. There are solutions to every challenge. I only feel peace, happiness, fulfillment. On these days I dance in my garden. Yes, I dance. I swirl, pirot and skip. I'm sure my neightbors wonder about my crazy behavior, but I don't really care. I have to dance. I feel so alive, so connected to other life that I have to express the pure exhilaration I feel, in me and around me. I celebrate life!
This is where my passion from gardening comes from. The end result. It is for this very reason I do the planning, preparation, planting and deal with the adversity. Because the end result is my own sanctuary that I'm free to be me in. A place my very soul can take flight....and that is the very most important lesson gardening has taught me....
It's important to feed your soul.
Posted by aster1961 at 07:45 AM
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May 03, 2005
A Change in Parenting
I've had to take a crash course this last week in how to parent a child that no longer needs to your permission. It's been a bewildering, reflective, indecisive, heartbreaking week....and on the way I had to learn to let go. Not the way I envisioned it.
My daughter has always been willful. When she was 2 we were walking, I holding her hand. I was headed one way, my daughter want to go the other way. I tried pulling her along. She turned around and bit my hand! I swung her up to my hip. Smacked her bottom once and off we headed in my direction.
I remember when she was about 4 and I had sent her to her room. She informed me she was not going. I picked her up and deposited her in her room. I left, shutting the door behind me. Two seconds later that door was opening and she was walking out. Once again I put her in her room...and held the door. All this was reduced to a two year old and a 30 year old playing tug or war with the door...and me thinking...how did it come to this? What in the world do I do now?
I'm thinking the same thing today.
My daugther turned 18. 7 days later she was married. Now we know the young man, we like him and we knew that one day these two would get married. But this was a surprise. The turn your world upside down, inside out kind of surprise.
I had kinda figured that she would probably make some "I'm an Adult" statement. I thought she might come home with a tatto....not a husband.
This was just the beginning of a rollercoaster ride through hell.
After we got over our intial shock, we sat down with them. We told them that we weren't happy about this, but what was done was done and that we'd help them to get off to a good start. I was stunned, horrified! Here are two kids and neither even has a checking account and they go off and get MARRIED....and they didn't even 'Have to..'.
We did tell them that they would have to tell my new son-in-law's parents and she her dad. They were worried about the backlash from his family. We told them that if they were old enough to get married, then they had the obligation to stand up and be honest with everyone. I now understand their fear was very valid.
Because of my belief that knowledge is power and it's good to explore different view points, my daughter has explored everything from Wicca to traditional religion. She's been free to read my books...Deepak Chopra, Catherine Ponder, Gary Zukav. While I knew that his family is deeply religous and very devout to their faith. I didn't realize the depth of that until this week.
Telling them did not go well. I was astounded at the lengths that were taken to ensure that an annulment would be had and a proper marriage in the church would take place. They refused to recognize that the marriage even existed. There was 3 days of intense turmoil on all sides. My new son-in-law having to chose between his family or his wife. They made it very clear that failure to comply would mean disownment.
During this time my heart was breaking for both of them. The end result was decided. They will get an annulment and remarry in the church at a later time after fulfilling the requirements to get married. At this point I'm very happy about the annulment. I have serious reservations about this union. I'm fearful my daughter is putting herself in a position that will cause her much unhappiness.
However, she now doesn't need my permission to do anything. I believe she also is doubting what it is she thinks she wants to do. She has told me that she needs to be around people that support her decision and has made herself scarce. I thought about all that...I came to the conclusion that I myself was putting her in a position where she had to choose. I was no better. I called and left her a message on her cell phone telling her that was wrong for me to do and that she had to make her own decisions and that I was here for her.
She came home and gently as she could told me she was moving out....into a friend's of her (future) mother-in-laws. I told her I'd help her move.
All this letting go has been damn hard for me. I've felt so much that each move I've made, each comment I've made, is so vitally important that it was the right one. I feel like I'm sitting here watching a disaster unfold with no way to stop it. I can no longer swing her up on my hip and take her off in my direction.
So I sit here today, testing my footing, trying to find the right path.
Posted by aster1961 at 10:02 AM
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