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May 03, 2005
A Change in Parenting
I've had to take a crash course this last week in how to parent a child that no longer needs to your permission. It's been a bewildering, reflective, indecisive, heartbreaking week....and on the way I had to learn to let go. Not the way I envisioned it.
My daughter has always been willful. When she was 2 we were walking, I holding her hand. I was headed one way, my daughter want to go the other way. I tried pulling her along. She turned around and bit my hand! I swung her up to my hip. Smacked her bottom once and off we headed in my direction.
I remember when she was about 4 and I had sent her to her room. She informed me she was not going. I picked her up and deposited her in her room. I left, shutting the door behind me. Two seconds later that door was opening and she was walking out. Once again I put her in her room...and held the door. All this was reduced to a two year old and a 30 year old playing tug or war with the door...and me thinking...how did it come to this? What in the world do I do now?
I'm thinking the same thing today.
My daugther turned 18. 7 days later she was married. Now we know the young man, we like him and we knew that one day these two would get married. But this was a surprise. The turn your world upside down, inside out kind of surprise.
I had kinda figured that she would probably make some "I'm an Adult" statement. I thought she might come home with a tatto....not a husband.
This was just the beginning of a rollercoaster ride through hell.
After we got over our intial shock, we sat down with them. We told them that we weren't happy about this, but what was done was done and that we'd help them to get off to a good start. I was stunned, horrified! Here are two kids and neither even has a checking account and they go off and get MARRIED....and they didn't even 'Have to..'.
We did tell them that they would have to tell my new son-in-law's parents and she her dad. They were worried about the backlash from his family. We told them that if they were old enough to get married, then they had the obligation to stand up and be honest with everyone. I now understand their fear was very valid.
Because of my belief that knowledge is power and it's good to explore different view points, my daughter has explored everything from Wicca to traditional religion. She's been free to read my books...Deepak Chopra, Catherine Ponder, Gary Zukav. While I knew that his family is deeply religous and very devout to their faith. I didn't realize the depth of that until this week.
Telling them did not go well. I was astounded at the lengths that were taken to ensure that an annulment would be had and a proper marriage in the church would take place. They refused to recognize that the marriage even existed. There was 3 days of intense turmoil on all sides. My new son-in-law having to chose between his family or his wife. They made it very clear that failure to comply would mean disownment.
During this time my heart was breaking for both of them. The end result was decided. They will get an annulment and remarry in the church at a later time after fulfilling the requirements to get married. At this point I'm very happy about the annulment. I have serious reservations about this union. I'm fearful my daughter is putting herself in a position that will cause her much unhappiness.
However, she now doesn't need my permission to do anything. I believe she also is doubting what it is she thinks she wants to do. She has told me that she needs to be around people that support her decision and has made herself scarce. I thought about all that...I came to the conclusion that I myself was putting her in a position where she had to choose. I was no better. I called and left her a message on her cell phone telling her that was wrong for me to do and that she had to make her own decisions and that I was here for her.
She came home and gently as she could told me she was moving out....into a friend's of her (future) mother-in-laws. I told her I'd help her move.
All this letting go has been damn hard for me. I've felt so much that each move I've made, each comment I've made, is so vitally important that it was the right one. I feel like I'm sitting here watching a disaster unfold with no way to stop it. I can no longer swing her up on my hip and take her off in my direction.
So I sit here today, testing my footing, trying to find the right path.
Posted by aster1961 at May 3, 2005 10:02 AM
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