Jaser's POZ Blog

Oh my god. I really forgot how shitty vacations can turn out to be if you wind up going on them with the most horrible people.

My sister, her mom, my two nieces, my sister's aunt, husband and her daughter and I all went to the Jersey shore this week. What started off as a perfectly acceptable beginning to a vacation wound up to be just intolerable. Loud, screaming children, annoying preteens, pushy/demanding adults. :| My sister laying the guilt trip on me the whole time because I didn't feel like hanging out with her and her loud children. Oh god. There were some good things about it here and there, and the time I spent with my friend was particularly nice (and I got to meet a friend of his, too, who was just *adorable*). I ate like shit though and I feel bloated and nasty even though I checked and I didn't gain an OUNCE from like loads of french fries and similarly awful food (thankgodthankgodthankgod).

Yesterday I suddenly felt very fatigued and miserable for most of the day and spent a lot of time in the hotel room reading. I got through a ton of books and I'm actually pretty proud of myself and it was relaxing, which I suppose is what vacations are all about, anyway.

On Monday I'm leaving to go visit a certain forum member who lives in Philadelphia again. :3. I'm looking forward to that more than the beach. I keep joking about attending goth night but I don't know if I'll actually put the two of us through that for real. xD. We'll see! Either way, it'll be great, because he always puts me in a good mood. <3

Um. So life is amazing. That's all for now.

Hi. I will be coming into your city soon to stay for 4 days. I have a few requests, and in return I promise to be polite, law-abiding and quiet. All I ask is that no one beat me, poison me or shank me. I really think that's a fair deal. Also, I would prefer not to have anything stolen. I am short and small and I'm afraid of busses, people and peanut butter (the latter being unrelated, but honestly there are few things as terrifying as having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth, just admit it).

Currently I'm packing as I won't have time to/won't feel like it when I get home tonight. It's only 2 in the afternoon and I'm already exhausted, so I'm going to want to just pass out when I get back after my meeting tonight. I'm bringing a lot of snacks. Yay, individually wrapped baggies full of Teddy Grahams, one of the few things I have been able to eat lately without getting crippling stomach pain or diarrhea, wheee.

Today I had a consultation with my mouthsurgeonperson about removing my upper two wisdom teeth, as I had the bottom two extracted a year or so ago. This fucked us up majorly as they decided they no longer want to take the insurance my mother has, but luckily we worked something out for the actual consult but they didn't tell us that wouldn't cover the new xray they had to do on my mouth, so that was quite nice of them. :[ Fucking assholes.

I also got lab work back this morning telling me that my prescription of Synthroid is still too low and this is most likely why I have been sleeping around 12 to 14 hours a day. I'm not even joking. I am unable to fall asleep at a normal time due to being unreasonably stressed out or something along those lines, so I'm not in bed until 4 am and I typically wake up for about an hour or two around noon and then sleep again until six or later. It's getting really bad. I have no energy. So hopefully an updated prescription will fix this and if not, well, I suppose we'll see about that if it happens.

It's just ungodly humid right now. I can't stand it. Heat I can deal with, humidity I cannot. I love the sun but the moisture in the area needs to just go away now.

Today I dropped a few books off at the post office for this book swap thing I do online. I had to send one to Singapore that cost me 8 bucks. Urgh. I asked the person if they could give me an extra point for having spent so much on it and I'm waiting for a response from her. Hopefully she doesn't mind, because I seriously cannot afford this shit right now and I wouldn't be doing it if I weren't addicted to books!

Tomorrow night I have a youth group meeting that I think I'm not going to go to just so I can get to bed early enough to get up early Thursday morning to prepare for my trip to Philadelphia. I have to get up at like 6 and this just isn't normal for me anymore. :P. Anyways, I'm super excited about it and I've made a list so that I don't forget anything because I ALWAYS do that. :/ If you have any ideas for anything that I may have not thought of to bring along on the trip with me that'd be awesome.

I finished the book I was reading: Temple of the Winds by Terry Goodkind. I'm pretty much a fantasy geek so I enjoyed it well enough, at least as much as any of the other books in the series, except they are just stupidly long books and bulky and hard to carry around. So, instead of going right to the next book in the series I'm going to re-read A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess because it just kicks so much ass and it's been a while since I've read it. <3. Oh, Alex - I know you're totally fucked up and fictional nonetheless, but please be my boyfriend.

I should really be cleaning my room right now. But I'm not. Oh well. :D

I'm such a silly mouse. :/

I went to a fair with my sister yesterday (I ALSO DISCOVERED MY LOVE OF HULA HOOPS THERE, BTW!) and there was one of those awful little side games where they give away life animals as prizes. I know I shouldn't support them by giving them my money, but I felt so bad for the little goldfish there and I knew that ALL of them that went home with anyone weren't going to live. I knew I could give at least one or two of them a good chance. :/ Wound up winning two of them, one died this morning, but I still have the other and I'm looking right now to try and find someone in the area that has a nice pond at home that I could put him in so he'd be able to live out his whole fishy life and grow into a great big carp.

Hoping someone gets back to me by tomorrow as I'm not sure how long he'll make it if not. :( Sigh. I always set myself up for heartache with these things. My conscience wouldn't allow me to do anything else though. I'm such a homo.

I'm still here! :D

Things have been ~*INSANE*~ (yes, the asterisks and tildes are completely necessary). I've officially finished my senior year of highschool, I'm enrolled in classes for the fall at my college (changed my major from Secondary Ed in English to straight English, by the way) and I have officially set up all of my plans to make this summer as eventful as humanly possible.

I honestly finished up my last few lessons without a moment to spare as they were all due in today or else I wouldn't be graduating. My graduation date is set for a couple weeks from now. I'm nervous and I don't known why. It just doesn't seem real to me yet I suppose. I'm so used to being the baby in my group of friends and people I know and suddenly I'm not. Suddenly I'm practically an adult. Suddenly I have all these responsibilities. Suddenly I can't ask my mom to order pizza for me. What the fuck.

Also, another exciting thing is I will have officially been medically transitioning for a year at the end of June as that is when I started testosterone.

I have a yard sale this weekend, on Thursday I'll be travelling down to Philly by myself for a tranny conference (scared!) and at the end of next month I'll be going to a convention. EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING TOO FAST. But I am determined to enjoy this summer as much as possible, especially now that classes are done. God that was torture.

I've been doing a lot of reading and writing again in my spare time. I'm glad because I used to do both constantly and I sort of fell away from myself for a little while due to stress, but that's really where I am most comfortable. Also - music. Pandora.com is my best friend, by the way. I've rediscovered my Nick Cave obsession.

Sorry for the lack of detail but I'm actually running out the door in like a half hour. D:

Right now:

1. School stress. Going to college in August fer sure stress.
2. Living at home stress.
3. Wanting to break up with my boyfriend stress.
4. Money stress.
5. Cannot afford a new laptop stress.
6. Work stress.

Just saying. :(

Working is crap. It's just crap. And I'm convinced that having a job in retail is JUST like /b/, except in real life, and the cats at the store don't shout overdone memes at me (I SEE WUT U DID THUR.)

Last week I had to train at the main office, which is aka the owner's HOUSE. He is creepy and older-middle-aged and rich as holy goddamn fucking hell. The entire experience sucked and I'm glad I don't have to do it again.

Tomorrow I'm back in the store. I took home three baby mice the other week because they got stuck in sticky traps (why the FUCK did they put down sticky traps?) and had broken legs and shit. One of them died, the other two seem to be doing well, so I'm glad I gave them a chance. When I lost the little one it was incredibly sad. I really expected her to pull through for me but I'm glad she isn't suffering anymore. Poor girl. I just wish there was something else I could do for.

I've named the other two Gimpy and Limpy. If you saw them you'd see how appropriate this is. One of them has two broken legs, the other has a broken leg and a smashed paw. Mice tend to do fine with broken limbs as long as they're given time to recover and don't have anything they can injure themselves further on. They're feeding themselves, drinking and are generally playful (they're very young). They're completely pathetic but as they improve I just find them more and more endearing.

I keep wondering why I find myself drawn to animals that have such a high mortality rate. It's incredibly difficult for me to have a creature that I invested so much love and care for die after only a couple years of being with me. Despite whatever I do it's inevitable. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Maybe because I feel like no one else will and I feel an obligation to them, and in other ways, a kinship. I love my rats but it's the mice that scurry their way into my heart. I'm just not capable of turning down an injured or sick mouse. Most people find it a little weird. I have to agree with them.

Tomorrow night I'm leaving with my sister to visit my college of choice on the other side of the state. It's a long trip so we're staying overnight and the tour is on Tuesday morning. I'll also be meeting my friend Julie there that I have known online for years. I call her my favorite lesbian, she calls me her favorite gay boy, I call her a dyke, she calls me a fag - we love each other. She promised to give me the REAL tour after I get the official one. I'm looking forward to it.

We're going back to our house on Friday most likely. It'll be relieving to be in my own place, though a bit weird and slightly lonely-feeling. My dad isn't much company. I can't wait until August when I'm finally off to college and I'm around other people constantly. I like being around a lot of people. It comforts me.

That's about it I guess.

- Jase.

What have I been up to lately?

I was at the doctor recently. In addition to getting some antibiotics and a decongestant for a chest infection thing I had going on (which is, thankfully, mostly gone) I also found out new numbers! Which are, in comparison to how things were going, pretty much awesome. My cd4 percentage was the biggest shock. Cd4 now officially up to 305 (19%). Viral load still undetectable. I was told that if by my next set of labs my cd4 is still over 300 I won't have to continue with the Bactrim, which will be nice. One less medication is one less medication, even though I'm taking Atripla now I still feel like I'm taking infinity different things. Thank you HIV, asthma, tranny-ness and thyroid condition (the condition being that I don't have one, of course).

I've been keeping myself busy with school, my crochet business thingie (still taking orders, wink wink, nudge nudge) and my overly sensitive but completely endearing boyfriend. Oh - and reading. Matty made me curious about HP Lovecraft so I'm reading an anthology of his stories right now, and so far I'm really enjoying them. I just finished the book that inspired the movie The Ring - it was so coooool, omg. I can't wait to read the rest in the series. Why am I so into horror?

I scheduled my appointment to visit the school I was accepted into for this upcoming August. I'll be there on the 29th of this month for a tour, and I'm really nervous. They still don't know I'm trans or gay, and I have a feeling things may get a bit awkward before they're all settled, but I'm confident it'll all work out.

I'll be a secondary education - english major so um. I'll be teaching your children in the not so distant future. Fear for their minds.

Perhaps, perhaps.

I had my very first job interview today. I think it went pretty well. I was nervous as fuck and she asked me some simple questions that I had the hardest time figuring out. They're so awkward. But she was super sweet to me and she seemed to like me a lot so I have a good feeling about it. She liked a lot of my answers, she told me outright. Haha. I'm supposed to get a call within the week.

It'd be really cool to get that job. Oh my God. Save up more money for surgery. Help pay off college because ohmigawd I was accepted into the college that I wanted to go to, so that's really exciting also. :[. I'm so overwhelmed right now that I don't even know what to do. I have so much going on in my life I barely have any time at all. Inbetween schoolwork, whipping up crocheted stuff for my orders, spending time with my boyfriend and my friends... it's nuts. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep up with all of this.

I really just want to be successful and there is ALL of this pressure on me to be able to juggle everything and I'm really scared that I'm going to fail at it. FAIL EPICALLY.

Buuut... yeah. That's pretty much it. Hopefully my dad and I will be moving back into our place in a couple of weeks when they finish the renovations. Fingers crossed. We're having a lot of money problems because of our lack of income so things are really hard right now. My dad is afraid he's going to have to stop his treatment in order to start working again so we can have an income and that's a really, really stupid idea. I know my uncle would let us stay with him as long as we needed to, if only my dad weren't so stubborn. Christ.

I ordered a bunch of books on Amazon with the Christmas money I was anonymously given online. I made a post about it in the forums and it's a long story (well, not really). Some stuff I'm really looking forward to reading, though. It should be here in the next week or so. I'm REALLY excited about it and I still have 100 bucks left. God, that was such a nice thing - whoever did that for me. I'm still baffled by it.

I treated my dad to breakfast this morning before the interview at the Waffle Lair and he seemed to appreciate it. :]. Started my day off really good. Then after the interview my friends met me at the mall. It was really sweet. I spent a few hours with them and just chilled out and stuff and I'm going to be seeing them again later tonight. I adore all of my friends. I don't know what I'd do without them. They are so supportive and funny and nice and total enablers when it comes to my procrastination habit, hahaha. I am SO ridiculously lucky.

I'm in a great mood lately. Things seem to be looking up. I feel great and I think I look great (hehe) and life is pretty alright. :]

- Jase.