Jaser's POZ Blog

Right now:

1. School stress. Going to college in August fer sure stress.
2. Living at home stress.
3. Wanting to break up with my boyfriend stress.
4. Money stress.
5. Cannot afford a new laptop stress.
6. Work stress.

Just saying. :(

Working is crap. It's just crap. And I'm convinced that having a job in retail is JUST like /b/, except in real life, and the cats at the store don't shout overdone memes at me (I SEE WUT U DID THUR.)

Last week I had to train at the main office, which is aka the owner's HOUSE. He is creepy and older-middle-aged and rich as holy goddamn fucking hell. The entire experience sucked and I'm glad I don't have to do it again.

Tomorrow I'm back in the store. I took home three baby mice the other week because they got stuck in sticky traps (why the FUCK did they put down sticky traps?) and had broken legs and shit. One of them died, the other two seem to be doing well, so I'm glad I gave them a chance. When I lost the little one it was incredibly sad. I really expected her to pull through for me but I'm glad she isn't suffering anymore. Poor girl. I just wish there was something else I could do for.

I've named the other two Gimpy and Limpy. If you saw them you'd see how appropriate this is. One of them has two broken legs, the other has a broken leg and a smashed paw. Mice tend to do fine with broken limbs as long as they're given time to recover and don't have anything they can injure themselves further on. They're feeding themselves, drinking and are generally playful (they're very young). They're completely pathetic but as they improve I just find them more and more endearing.

I keep wondering why I find myself drawn to animals that have such a high mortality rate. It's incredibly difficult for me to have a creature that I invested so much love and care for die after only a couple years of being with me. Despite whatever I do it's inevitable. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Maybe because I feel like no one else will and I feel an obligation to them, and in other ways, a kinship. I love my rats but it's the mice that scurry their way into my heart. I'm just not capable of turning down an injured or sick mouse. Most people find it a little weird. I have to agree with them.

Tomorrow night I'm leaving with my sister to visit my college of choice on the other side of the state. It's a long trip so we're staying overnight and the tour is on Tuesday morning. I'll also be meeting my friend Julie there that I have known online for years. I call her my favorite lesbian, she calls me her favorite gay boy, I call her a dyke, she calls me a fag - we love each other. She promised to give me the REAL tour after I get the official one. I'm looking forward to it.

We're going back to our house on Friday most likely. It'll be relieving to be in my own place, though a bit weird and slightly lonely-feeling. My dad isn't much company. I can't wait until August when I'm finally off to college and I'm around other people constantly. I like being around a lot of people. It comforts me.

That's about it I guess.

- Jase.

What have I been up to lately?

I was at the doctor recently. In addition to getting some antibiotics and a decongestant for a chest infection thing I had going on (which is, thankfully, mostly gone) I also found out new numbers! Which are, in comparison to how things were going, pretty much awesome. My cd4 percentage was the biggest shock. Cd4 now officially up to 305 (19%). Viral load still undetectable. I was told that if by my next set of labs my cd4 is still over 300 I won't have to continue with the Bactrim, which will be nice. One less medication is one less medication, even though I'm taking Atripla now I still feel like I'm taking infinity different things. Thank you HIV, asthma, tranny-ness and thyroid condition (the condition being that I don't have one, of course).

I've been keeping myself busy with school, my crochet business thingie (still taking orders, wink wink, nudge nudge) and my overly sensitive but completely endearing boyfriend. Oh - and reading. Matty made me curious about HP Lovecraft so I'm reading an anthology of his stories right now, and so far I'm really enjoying them. I just finished the book that inspired the movie The Ring - it was so coooool, omg. I can't wait to read the rest in the series. Why am I so into horror?

I scheduled my appointment to visit the school I was accepted into for this upcoming August. I'll be there on the 29th of this month for a tour, and I'm really nervous. They still don't know I'm trans or gay, and I have a feeling things may get a bit awkward before they're all settled, but I'm confident it'll all work out.

I'll be a secondary education - english major so um. I'll be teaching your children in the not so distant future. Fear for their minds.

Perhaps, perhaps.

I had my very first job interview today. I think it went pretty well. I was nervous as fuck and she asked me some simple questions that I had the hardest time figuring out. They're so awkward. But she was super sweet to me and she seemed to like me a lot so I have a good feeling about it. She liked a lot of my answers, she told me outright. Haha. I'm supposed to get a call within the week.

It'd be really cool to get that job. Oh my God. Save up more money for surgery. Help pay off college because ohmigawd I was accepted into the college that I wanted to go to, so that's really exciting also. :[. I'm so overwhelmed right now that I don't even know what to do. I have so much going on in my life I barely have any time at all. Inbetween schoolwork, whipping up crocheted stuff for my orders, spending time with my boyfriend and my friends... it's nuts. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep up with all of this.

I really just want to be successful and there is ALL of this pressure on me to be able to juggle everything and I'm really scared that I'm going to fail at it. FAIL EPICALLY.

Buuut... yeah. That's pretty much it. Hopefully my dad and I will be moving back into our place in a couple of weeks when they finish the renovations. Fingers crossed. We're having a lot of money problems because of our lack of income so things are really hard right now. My dad is afraid he's going to have to stop his treatment in order to start working again so we can have an income and that's a really, really stupid idea. I know my uncle would let us stay with him as long as we needed to, if only my dad weren't so stubborn. Christ.

I ordered a bunch of books on Amazon with the Christmas money I was anonymously given online. I made a post about it in the forums and it's a long story (well, not really). Some stuff I'm really looking forward to reading, though. It should be here in the next week or so. I'm REALLY excited about it and I still have 100 bucks left. God, that was such a nice thing - whoever did that for me. I'm still baffled by it.

I treated my dad to breakfast this morning before the interview at the Waffle Lair and he seemed to appreciate it. :]. Started my day off really good. Then after the interview my friends met me at the mall. It was really sweet. I spent a few hours with them and just chilled out and stuff and I'm going to be seeing them again later tonight. I adore all of my friends. I don't know what I'd do without them. They are so supportive and funny and nice and total enablers when it comes to my procrastination habit, hahaha. I am SO ridiculously lucky.

I'm in a great mood lately. Things seem to be looking up. I feel great and I think I look great (hehe) and life is pretty alright. :]

- Jase.

I think I had a 24 hour virus or something today. I was feeling really congested and sick and coughy and it was getting late, so I took a bunch of Nyquil and threw myself into bed... only to wake up about 4 hours later feeling like I was going to throw up. I was sweating like hell and cold at the same time, and it failed.

So I whined at my dad until he woke up. He gave me an ice pack to put on my head, some acetaminophen and a bucket because I felt like I was gonna lose the contents of my stomach. Which I did. But it was over with quickly and I felt a lot better. I slept for like 12 hours on and off like that. Really uncomfortable.

But I just got up like an hour ago and I feel a LOT better. I'm weak because I haven't eaten and whatever I had eaten was deported from my intestines, but generally I feel like I'm the right body temperature, I'm thirsty and drinking ginger ale, and getting a little bit of an appetite so I might have some toast. I'm sad I'm sick cause I wanted to go out and see my friends tonight, but oh well. I'll live - and there's always next week. This weekend I'll hopefully be with my boyfriend. He gave me my Christmas gifts early and I'm giving him his late, but I guess that's just how we roll. :P

- Jase.