I went out on this date yesterday. Actually it was a non-date, an unofficial date, a test date if you will - with this pretty amazing artist that I'm fond of. As I sat across the table from him, my mind blank, my energy low, highly distracted and despondent - I thought to myself "What the fuck is going on with me?" I figured it was part of my bad habit of finding a way to mess up a situation, any situation - give me a fireproof mansion and it'll be burned to the ground in under 10 minutes, that's my accidental motto. It took me two glasses of wine, an entire subway ride home, a conversation with my sister and a hug from my next door neighbor to realize why I was the most uninteresting person on earth last night: blood.
I'll explain: I went to the doctor on Tuesday, a specialist, and he told me that he's gotta have surgery to remove a growth so he can see if I have cancer. He's planning on slicing me like a melon, taking off this bump or whatever, pouring it in acid, putting it under a microscope and discover if I'm rotting on the inside. To be totally honest for a moment - when he told me I nearly cried (how's that gonna be if I'm HIV positive and Cancerous at 27? My sister says that if this turns out to be the case I should write a book) but I didn't cry. The only thing I have more pride in than the honesty in which I feel emotions is the discipline I've cultivated by which I express them. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. So on Wednesday I go to my normal doctor, this old man who I adore, and he tells me not to worry too much and then harasses me about why I don't have a boyfriend. Same old same old. BUT then he proceeds to take an insane amount of blood out of my system for viral load, cd4 count, liver tests the normal stuff, but then tons more for the surgery prep.
And then I go back to work, and go on this date - and I'm all lackluster and can't concentrate and don't know what to say or do. And it's blood! I was just exhausted from the blood-letting. And I was pretty happy to have this realization, cause it means I'm not a totally horrible person to spend time with.
The moral of my story is this: When going out on a hot date, be sure you have enough blood in your system....
Okay, I guess that's it. My valiant effort to not write about how terrified I am of something by telling a round-a-bout, non-conclusive, lame story about something unrelated. It's the just the way I do my business. I'm actually not telling anyone about the surgery - just my roommate who's picking me up from the hospital and my two sisters - and I've sworn them to secrecy. I'm nervous that if the info gets out, people will get worried and talk to me about it and I'll get even more terrified. I figure no one I know reads this blog so I'm safe. But if I'm wrong and you do know me. Well, I suppose, just don't bring it up. Talk to me about something completely unrelated. I need to get my mind off of my worries...It's probably nothing anyway. It's probably nothing.
you are cute as hell. fuck the blood.
I can understand what you're going through. I'm in a similar situation myself. Be strong as I suspect you'll pull through this.
J.C. Wow. This is my first time really exploring anything on this site other than the personals page. Dating has been a challenge for me in the eight years that have gone by since I was diagnosed. I've not had a lot of luck here- probably because I am terrified to put my picture on here, or anywhere online, for that matter. But enough about me. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around what you must have been going through when you wrote this- or even if you've already had the operation. Just know that G.I.A. (God is Able) And you are not alone. I'll be praying for you! Be encouraged.
Warmest Regards,
Brian
Washington, dc
This is a new day, what has gone will not come back.
Now at least you went on a date, am not sure what that is anymore are what do you do are how to plan one. You wear able to go on a date with one that you looked at.
You need to walk around Central Park with a good friend or best by yourself and really look at the enviornment that surrounds you. There's a lot out there to take your mind to a place you would maybe never think it would. I know I spelled enviornmant wrong but we all make mistakes and if we didn't we wouldn't be all that human would now would we.
I always walked on the beach when I had to relieve my mind from the hard day at work or a problem at work I had to figure before the end of the week. You know what it works. The next day I had the problem solved and all was well that instance.
Much Care , Jerry
WHEN I READ YOUR STORY I JUST WNTED TO SHARE WITH YOU THE MANABOVE IS WITH YOU AND I CAN SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE.I TRUELY UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS AND I AM HERE TO TELL YOU KEEP FAITH AND BELIEVE AND YOU WILL ACHIEVE.LET ME TELL YOU A STORY AND IT COMES FROM THE HEART.SINCE 1995 MY LIFE HAS BEEN SO ROCKY WITH HEALTH WITH LOVE WITH TRUST.I HAVE BEEN THROUGH 5 OPERATIONS AND BEFORE I BEAT MYSELF DOWN AND I HEARD SO MANY TIMES ABOUT THE CELLS AND THE COUNTS IT WAS WEARING ME DOWN BUT LET ME SHARE KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND HERE TODAY I AM CLOSE TO BEING UNDETETABLE SEE GOD LOOKS OVER US AND HE WILL BE THERE TO BLESS US AND HE HEARS ALL THE CRIES.I USE THIS PHRASE ALL THE TIME I HOPE IT MAKES YOU SMILE YOU KNOW HOW WE GO TO THE DRIVEWAY WINDOW AND WE HAVE THAT SPECIAL ORDER NO MAYO NO ONIONS AND THEY TELL US TO PULL OVER AND THEY WILL BRING IT OUT TO US AND THEN WE SEE THE CAR BEHIND US LEAVING AND WE ARE STILL WAITING LOOK THIS IS JUST AN EXAMPLE SPEIAL ORDERS TAKE A LITTLE BIT LONGER FOR US TO SEE SO BELIEVE ND YOU WILL ACHIEVE.yOU ARE NEVER ALONE AND ALWAYS IN THE PRAYERS.SOMETHING I LEARNED ABOUT THAT DATING SCHEME I FEEL AS IF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE IT'S YOUR CHOICE AND PRESSURE IS NOT WHAT ANYONE NEEDS AND IF IT'S PRESSURE IT'S NOT TRUE AND WORTHY OF YOU IT SHOULD COME NATURALLY.
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP THERE IS ALWAYS A RAINBOW AT THE END
Gee. Last year I had a stroke and lost my eye sight and ability to walk, the speaking eventually came back. Not too lucky with the eyesight, but, I lived. But then a second (major) heart-muscle-destroying heart attack happened early this year, which wiped out 3 heart muscles. No, I don't smoke, or drink. I am positive though, but they ruled that out, since there's no apparent progression. Of course, toss in Herpes and a slew of kidney stones all the time, all year-long, goodness, the pain - and I can't imagine getting cancer, or any related lymph issues on top of that. What the heck can I talk about on a date .. Lovenox injections? Heck, I'm grateful if I live another year. But if I had a date .. I'd probably eat it.
life's a trip ain't. just keep on pushing u have to. after being on my meds for the last three years they have started damaging my kidneys. but it's not going to get down. all I can say is I'm still here for a reason having H.I.V and having a double stroke, now kidney issues, when it rains it pours. but I keep my head up.
Be encouraged. The mind and power of our hands (which is God) can heal our fears which sometimes becomes our illness (fear). Best wishes and God's blessings...
Thank you so much, I can totally relate to your situation and how you feel...
Sean
Hang in there and keep your chin up
wow thought i was the only one found out i had cancer xmas eve n was told i have hiv my last day of chemo i swear having cancer is so much easier than being positive im 32 n is miserable so if u can handle being positive than the other shit is a piece of cake..........
right now u r turly a inspiration to me single 36 old women 5 beautiful kids 3 beautiful granddaughters n i still complian and what the hell for found out 6 years ago i was positive n i cant tell u how mant times i tried to take my life also been popular center of attention end of last year i suffered strokes couldnt walk how n the hell u take a divas 5 in heals couldnt talk drive my truckhad to trip coolege courses dyalasis for a year just to find out i didnt need it now i see walk drive im my fast ass self agian even have a lil friend n jacksonville a year now so long will he love me for me n not my body oh well who wants that headache right but after reading ur blog ic im just a bit baby tell u what im checking this web tomorrow just brought the kid to library and u ever want to talk my cell is 8502744412 u b bless