I feel like I'm on a gigantic precipice, staring down. And for the life of me, I know I'm gonna fall soon. And I'm looking forward to that.
God that sounded so morbid. I've been rocking too much Joseph Campbell recently, so you'll have to forgive me. Backstory: In Power of Myth Joey says this thing, that I'll horribly paraphrase, but basically he discusses (well actually rants, talk-talk-talks us through) this concept of human beings going through different phases of life. It's recognized in all cultures. In some cultures you would change the way you dressed suddenly, or the colors you wore, when you reached a certain age. Changes jobs or roles in society. In some cultures something would happen to you and would litteraly get a new name. It's the symbolic dieing and rebirth each of us goes through. The 21st century rocks for shizzle, but it's made a boogie man of death, and that hella lame.
That last sentence wasn't a paraphrase of Joseph Campbell by the way.
I've always viewed the different times in my life like computer operating systems.
When I was a child, I was JC 1.0: quiet, watchful, mellow. Those years are all in pastels for me. I don't remember a thing from before I was twelve, I swear to god.
Then puberty hit and I was launched head first into JC 2.0: a wild mush of testosterone, angst, lots of good old fashion fun.
Then JC 3.0 came with it's delusions of maturity: big dreams, bigger motivation. Tell JC 3.0 it can't do something? Watch this! Ha! Told you so! It's like magic! Blessed by the gods! JC 3.0 was a good ride. I was operating on JC 3.0 for a long time. For a very long time - maybe too long, but that's how it is. You catch the wave and you ride it. But of course every wave eventually hits the shore. JC 3.0 met a hard end. Burned out I'm afraid.
JC 4.0 seemed like a downgrade in comparison: a nervous isolated young man who can't talk to others and can't control his own emotions sits and stares out the window, terrified of the world. HIV positive, and lonely. Quiet, watchful, not sad, but yes, certainly something melancholy about this software. A year on JC 4.0 and it felt like a dozen.
There are those people that would enter my cave during that year when I was meditating or screaming, or both, and they'd sit with me and meditate or scream too - those people are angels, every one.
JC 4.0 just up and disappeared one day. And JC 5.0 fell into place: A melting pot of all the best programs from previous operating systems before: watchful but fun, reckless but the melancholy tempered it out real nice. HIV positive - yeah, just can’t kick them freakin computer viruses! - But hey, what you gonna do? Do everything. Do it all. Revolution today: who knows what's gonna happen tomorrow. So JC 5.0 can't carry a tune in a bucket - we all have our flaws.
But recently JC 5.0 has been getting weary. The longest operating system I've used yet - 5 years. Not so much in the grand scheme of things. If you've been doing the math, you realized I'm either really old hardware or I upgrade my personality a lot. It's the latter. But after 5 years things get outdated. The world changes. Things happen. And if you don't upgrade your life, you'll become an antique - a museum piece. Something they bring tourists to look at and take pictures. JC 5.0 feels old.
I wrote a letter to myself when I was using operating system 3.0, a sort of rally cry to the future me, which of course I called operating system 5.0. I purposely hid this letter from myself for years. I recently found it and read it out loud to myself. I don't even remember writing the words. The letter ends like this:
"Lastly I just wanted to make a request of you JC 5.0: Whatever it is (you know, whatever is bothering you or making you upset and unsteady this week), just remember, all your life you've tried your best to do what's right. And I know you fucked up once and a while. Oh man did you fuck up. But you tried. And that's what counts in the end. So tonight, for me, just for old times sake, kick off your shoes, smile and sleep soundly brother. Sleep deep. However your death comes, welcome it with both hands raised high in thanks. "
In honor of the former me, I welcome what will come. New wardrobe, new role in life, new problems. Problems? I look forward to the problems. The new operating system will handle it the best way it knows how. As for 5.0? I do not fear the night. When I fall into the black abyss of former-consciousness, I will go through that dark door singing.