Joe's POZ Blog

I wanted to post this in the forums, but I thought it might just be a little too touchy of a subject for some of the newer members, so instead, I will share my thoughts here and if someone wants to post about it, I would really love to hear your thoughts as well. In addition, for the sake of discussion, I am going to use the word god to represent any deity and I would ask that you substitute the proper phrase for your particular religion or faith, if any, hoping that my words may give you pause.

My thoughts really boil down to one main question: Do you believe that HIV is a punishment from God? I started thinking about this after Ann made a comment that if we could prove HIV was from a man made mistake, say a failed vaccine, it would shut those up who proclaim that HIV is a punishment from God and that really perplexes me. Now, I have been poz for 24 years and this idea of HIV as a punishment from a God has remained constant, yet, I cannot see any logic or faith contained in the premise that God will punish you with HIV.

I am the first to admit that I am not a religious man, because I believe that the surest way to destroy any faith is to make a religion out of it, however that issue is for another time, but I had to tell you of my bias. Anyway, my argument is simple: I cannot believe that any entity capable of forming the universe in which we live, what we call reality, would posses such pettiness as to individually, smite what must amount to at least billions, if not trillions of races scattered across our universe.

Think about it. This entity can obviously do anything, like making matter out of nothing. We know that our universe started with a Bing Bang, so other than God, it would seem that nobody else existed. We are talking about someone who could stand on the surface of the sun or extinguish it with but a thought. We know that our universe operates under various inviolate laws of science and if you really think about the complexity of our reality, you would need to be extraordinary brilliant or even, a god, to structure it all and have it actually work. My point being that for me, if God does exist, they would certainly be omnipotent and as such, certainly have better things to do than individually infecting people with HIV.

Given this omnipotence, I cannot fathom God actually identifying and condemning any entity to certain death, for any reason. I cannot accept that such a being would have so little regard for what they created or that they would have the time or even be interested in such long-term torture. What would you do if you were omnipotent? Would you spend your time squishing ants under your foot, or might you be off creating new universes?

I imagine that God would rather observe what they had put into motion, rather than petty torture. I can even accept that God may influence how we conduct ourselves and how we treat others, but I do not believe that you develop such abilities through two stone tablets like the Ten Commandments. Rather, I believe we all have what I call a “moral compass”, you know the place, the one that really tells you the reasonableness of your actions, even if you choose to override the feeling. If God exists, would it not seem more realistic that they set such a “moral compass” within our genes and our intellect? As God, if you want to be assured that your creations adhere to your rules; it would seem that hard wiring it into us, would surely beat the system we have now within some religions. As God, if you took all the time and energy to create this vast universe, with its incomprehensible complexities and possible trillions upon trillions of worlds or races, I just cannot accept that a true god would do such a thing as infecting anyone with anything.

The message of God striking you down with HIV would indicate a god with the utmost contempt for their creations. As God, surely, you are not thinking, “I will create beings, only to destroy some, and insist they treat each other properly and follow my rules, but even if they do, occasionally I feel the need to infect someone with HIV”. Does it make sense for a god to preach about loving each other, only to directly undermine those efforts, by just killing people off with HIV (or any disease or calamity for that matter)?”

On the other hand, does the real answer lie somewhere between our reality and God? You cannot deny the reality in which we live and you have some concept as to its grandeur and does it not make more sense that HIV (whether manufactured or not) is just another disease out of thousands that have plagued humans from the beginning of our existence? Does it make sense to view HIV as a punishment for bad behavior? If so, how do you explain infants who are born with HIV? Alternatively, those infected through an infusion or from a needle-stick. I just cannot see any connection at all.

HIV is much too random in infecting people to be effective in thinning the heard, if you will, or to insure compliance with any god’s rules. If God wanted to punish humanity, they would use something like the Bubonic plague, which wiped out almost two-thirds of Europe. It also makes absolutely no sense, even from a god’s perspective. If you are the God that created humankind, you did so by providing all that we need to live and thrive by creating the planet Earth. This planet is capable of supporting billions of life forms, almost everything humanity could need is already here, and our increasing intelligence allows us to make new discoveries almost daily.

I would think that if a god created humanity, they would do so by laying the foundations, physically, intellectually and even morally so they could keep gods’ law, rather than laying some intricate trap for unrelated people to contract the same disease. I spoke earlier of a “moral compass” and everyone has one. The most difficult aspect of this compass is when it forms in an unhealthy environment. If you grow up in a country that promotes intolerance and hatred for others, it can become almost impossible to see the questionable aspects of some of your beliefs, because that is all that you have known and for many it is all that they can believe because they have never been introduced to any alternate belief systems. Finally, even if we could determine that a particular faith may lay the best foundation, we know that the world religions share vastly different views on many subjects, so who is to say which, if any, represents the best foundation for a moral compass?

All of this leads me to conclude that any god worthy of worship would be one that would love and cherish all that they had created. I refuse to accept that a supreme deity would be shooting “craps” with the universe or reigning down disease on humanity, simply because it makes no sense. Moreover, if something does not make any sense, then generally it is untrue. Please understand I am not condemning or even commenting on any religion or belief system, just sharing my views. As for me, I am an Agnostic and you will have to look it up.

If I were to worship a god it would be one who still marveled at their creations and continued to watch over them, even if indirectly. A god that loves equally and without reservation, someone who watches us use the moral compass we each possess

I appreciate your reading and I wonder: “What might your God believe?”

To say the past few years have been a nightmare would be under-statement to the nth degree. We live in south Florida and over the past three years, the following has happened.

Seven hurricanes in two years, with four hitting us: Irene, who almost flooded us all out to Wilma: that just devastated our home and us. We lost half of our yard and our fence, but the house remained unscathed thankfully. We spent five months cleaning up our home, but we pressed on.

In the wake of two horrible hurricane seasons, the prices for insurance skyrocketed. We have three policies: Homeowners, Flood and Wind and the combined price for those rose to $6,400 per year, from $3,300 the previous year.

At the same time, our city, who claims to be always needing money, increased fees and services that total about $200 per month. Prices also increased for electric, gas, car insurance and food and the budget was getting thin.

The final nail in the coffin came with the introduction of Medicare Part D (prescription drugs) in 2005. I was not affected too much as I receive my drugs through the Ryan White program. Stephen, however, was not so lucky. Even with his government insurance, they changed the co-pays to reflect the Medicare co-pays and as a result, his co-pays in 2004 were about $1,200 per year: in 2005, his co-pays were $4,600 for the year. 2006 was worse and 2007 is not looking any better.

Then there were the co-pays for our surgeries in 2006, which totaled about $4,800, with most of it being mine, because I cannot afford a supplemental Medicare policy, so I must pay 20% co-payment on all medical costs.

We also have a 5-year fixed ARM mortgage, which just entered its ARM period and our payments have almost doubled, all due to a severe increase in the mortgage rate. We thought it would be a good mortgage because we expected to sell the house before then, but the housing market in Florida is in the basement and you almost cannot give a house away.

But give away our house is just what we had to do and a house that was worth $458,000 in 2005 is worth $315,000 today and so we are walking away from our home with absolutely no money to find new a new home. Add to that, that we both live on fixed incomes that increase at most, 2-3% each year. Hardly enough to keep up with all the increased costs and at some point we had to say “enough, we just can not do this anymore”.

When you combine all of the above, you can see that we have been in the center of a “perfect financial storm”, the kind where every cost goes up immediately, but your income can no longer meet your financial obligations.

After exploring our options, we decided to just “start over” and the most extreme way of doing that is by declaring Bankruptcy, Chapter 7, which wipes out virtually all of your debts. It will trash our credit history for 10 years, but we have no other option, as our lenders are reluctant to restructure our loans and the other costs are out of our control.

The effect this has had on us has been incredibly devastating on us both, but I can only share my experience. My hardest issue is the fact that because of how I was raised, I can only see myself as a failure, as defined by my father. He was a good man, very hard working and created a career for him self with only a high school diploma. He lived through the Great Depression and while I can understand how that might shape your being, his views on right and wrong were inviolate and I now believe, some of them were just plain wrong.

I am an only child, orphaned at five and adopted by my parents when I was six years old. While they provided a very loving and somewhat stable life, my father was always looking to me, to exceed his own accomplishments. Sadly, his pursuit of that dream was very damaging in that his praise was very rare. If I had a report card with mostly As, but had a B, he would comment on how I could do better to get all As. He always seemed disappointed in me. In addition, he would reconfirm those feelings, whenever I turned to others for help; as if that somehow constituted a “weakness” on my part.

When I lost my job, due to a corporate restructuring, he thought I was weak for accepting unemployment insurance, as if it was some handout and not a program that I had paid into for just such an instance. Same with any therapy I sought as seeing a mental health professional simply meant that you were “crazy”. In addition, when I finally came out as being gay, well he never got over that one and then when I became infected I became his queer son who took it up the ass (his words not mine) and he made his disapproval known in far too many ways.

Our final breaking point came when he married my mom’s (departed) best friend (widowed) and we were all so happy that they had found love again in their old age. I was the best man in the wedding and my partner Mark attended, but he was not invited to the reception, because that was strictly a “family affair”. It created horrible tension between us, but Mark, being the wonderful man that he is, was very gracious and so he attended the ceremony and then went home.

Imagine my surprise when I get the reception and find that while my partner of four years; the man who gave the eulogy at my mother’s funeral, was unwelcome, the 16-year-old date of one of the bride’s grand-children was fine. I have never been able to reconcile that moment in my mind, nor in my heart. I had Kate, who was three at the time, with me and simply instructed my father that I could leave her to enjoy the reception and pick her up later, or we could leave now, as I had no intention of staying in a place where I am considered to be unequal, especially by my own father.

Though I tried, he could never understand what he had done that was so wrong and that sadly was the end of our relationship. So why do I care what he might think now? Part of it is surely separation anxiety, which I have suffered since childhood and why not, when your natural parents suddenly disappear and you are too young to understand why. Couple that with the years of withheld approval from him and it gets hard to remain close. He also was not one for expressing his feelings, as he rarely ever told me that he loved me and after I came out, it stopped entirely.

I suppose that the real issue for me is that I have to accept that he was my father and he was what he was: the good, the bad and the ugly. I reject his narrow view of the world and how success must be define as either black or white, but never grey. I accept the fact that while he provided a good home physically, his decades of alcohol abuse, left scars that may remain forever. Yet, I know in my heart, that he loved me in the best way that he knew how and in the end, I believe that is what truly matters.

This acceptance has freed me to see these past few years as the reality they are. Rather than seeing myself as a failure, I see myself as the one who defines my destiny and I do not need the approval of anyone. I have made every attempt to meet my financial obligations, but sometimes the deck is stacked against you. I do not make the decision to file bankruptcy lightly, but I see no other option to remove this financial yoke from my shoulders. I need this freedom to start anew and build a sustainable life that will see us into our old age. I do this as much for me as I do for Stephen, as we both deserve a reasonable quality of life, not one of bill collectors seeking money that we do not have.

So build a new life we have and we will be moving to Montreal in December. We just returned from renting a wonderful house with a small backyard. It is minutes from the metro and the gay village and will be perfect for our needs. The rent is cheap, it has just been remodeled (and very nicely) and the property owners prayers for leasing it, was for a gay couple who would maintain the property. How refreshing to be actually wanted and they were so gracious and genuine people and we have a ten-year lease.

While we were in Montreal, we got all types of paperwork started from getting my Social Insurance Number, a bank account, to sponsorship paperwork for my hubby to become a Canadian citizen as well. The warm reception we received from the government agencies was in stark contrast to the US. They actually wanted to help and if they did not know an answer, they would find one for you.

It will be with mixed reactions that I will cross the border into Canada, but I know that is where my future lies. I have shed the remnants of my life here and even though I face bankruptcy and foreclosure, I have never felt better. For once in my life, I am steering my own ship to a place that I chose and I have promised myself that I will never seek the approval of others, because sometimes you can never get what you need, no matter how hard you might try.

My head is in a spin and I have a million things to do, yet through all of this, I no longer feel like a failure and I long to return to advocacy, because I know what I do does make a difference. These past years have been some of the hardest of my life and I would never have made it without Stephen, a man who supports me and is every thing that I need and continues to amaze me with his strength and love. We are madly in love both physically and mentally and so I feel that as long as we are together, we can do anything.

I may have started as a failure, with my life recently reduced to ashes, still from those ashes, I am rising again and like the Phoenix I am now ready to soar.

Sorry, for the dearth of posts in the last few months, but you know how it can be.

I wanted to share the following with everyone, especially those people who do not believe that homophobia and hatred for gay and HIV people continues to fester, even in places you would deem most unlikely. I live in Broward County, Florida and between Broward, Palm Beach and Miami/Dade counties; we share two of the largest gay and poz populations in the nation. The following is a letter to the editor I wrote after recent comments made by the mayor of Fort Lauderdale concerning local affairs and his personal beliefs.

If this can happen here, with such a diverse community, do not doubt that much worse happens far from the public eye.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Propagating the Hate

I cannot endure another minute of Mayor Naugle’s homophobic remarks, without commenting, as he obviously, needs help in understanding the difference between personal opinion and official public comments. He began with his remarks about an automatic toilet on Fort Lauderdale beach to curb rampant gay sex in public restrooms. Ignoring the fact that there is no rampant sex, of any kind, going on in Fort Lauderdale public restrooms, he still felt it necessary to gay bait the entire issue, based solely on his homophobic beliefs and hatred for homosexuals.

If he presented the issue as one of preventing ANY public sex in restrooms, nobody would have objected because most gays are reasonable people who share the belief that public restrooms are not the appropriate place for sexual activity. Instead, he made it a gay issue by lying and saying gay public sex was rampant. He did not seek to address any real issue, say unwanted public sex; rather he stated his personal beliefs on how repugnant homosexuality is and attempted to create another “negative gay issue” where none existed.

He next targeted the Stonewall Library & Archives. His absurd argument that they should not use public buildings because their collection includes material that he labels as pornography, material that he has never viewed, but has labeled as pornography nonetheless. If his comments were to gain assurance that minors would not have access to any of the library’s adult-oriented material, again, he would have found that is already Stonewalls policy. Instead, he chose to label the material as pornographic as a way of demeaning the function of the Library as a curator of gay history and culture. Once again, he allowed his homophobic beliefs to override his responsibility as mayor.

Then he stepped into the AIDS crisis. He spouted data, every one of them incorrect, because his comments had little to do reducing HIV infections; instead he seeks to inflame the community against the gay segment as perpetuating the HIV infection rates in Broward County. If he had consulted legitimate sources, he would have found that the greatest HIV infection rates are amongst women and those under 25. Exactly how is the gay community contributing to rising HIV infection rates, when our rates overall have been declining? He does not seek to empower anyone to fight HIV infection rates; he just fuels this decades-old notion that HIV and AIDS are the fault of gays and now he has extended his hatred to HIV-positive individuals by associating our shared disease with that “awful” gay community. That same old tired mantra of gay + sex = sin/AIDS.

Further, I never expected he would stoop so low as to enlist the efforts of Rev. O’Neal Dozier; surely, he cannot be serious? He wants the support of a man who just spoke at a recent commission meeting and stated that he speaks for God regarding homosexuals, and that our very existence is an abomination and makes God want to vomit?. Mr. Naugle is mixing his personal beliefs with his official position as the mayor of Fort Lauderdale and the two are incompatible, at least for him, because he cannot set aside his utter hatred of homosexuals.

I believe that people like Mr. Naugle, and now Rev. Dozier constitute the greatest threat to humanity because they believe that they are better than others are, can stand in judgment of them and that espousing bigotry and hatred is a normal function of a public official and human being. They encourage hatred through their words, thoughts, actions, and people like them are omnipresent and foment hatred across the globe. Mr. Naugle and Rev. Dozier are no different from the Nazis, Taliban or the KKK as they all expound the idea that it is acceptable to propagate hatred toward any group, with which you disagree, or deem to be unworthy of existence.

Hated must be taught and these men are propagating hatred by encouraging a generation to despise gay and HIV-positive people because they believe them to be an abomination and therefore deserving of that hatred. I cannot imagine what god they worship because my god loves all creations and understands that diversity is intentional as it enhances our lives and harmony can exist, but only in the absence of people like them.

Saddest of all, is that Mr. Naugle’s ranting would have received little attention, but he is mayor of a city with a large gay and HIV-positive community. Fortunately, time has a way of dealing with bigots, at least political ones, such as Mr. Naugle; he will be gone next year and we will have one less homophobic bully pulpit to endure.