Joe's POZ Blog

We went shopping for Halloween last night and spent hours combing through various stores for just the right costumes. I have always enjoyed Halloween, after all it is the "gayest" of all the holidays. But after meeting Stephen it took on a new significance. You see, he is a Drag Queen, so he brought a new zeal to dressing up and has elevated it to an art. So we enjoy morphing into something each year and constantly amaze our friends with our zest for the holiday. But my enjoyment of Halloween has another darker side.

As I get dressed each year and labor intensively over my makeup and wig, I almost become giddy, because I am able to transform into someone or something else, at least for that night. My makeup and costume, serve to shield the world from what I have become. My costume hides my skinny and vein-bulging arms and legs. It covers my extended belly that I gained from Crixivan. But my greatest enjoyment is having the makeup cover my sunken cheeks and eyes. For one night it helps me to forget the physical destruction that HIV and the meds have wrought.

By nature, I am not a vain man. While I have been blessed by genetics, HIV has taken a horrible toll. Over the years I have watched my face and body change, with each change being a little more severe than the last. Where I once saw beautiful characteristics, I now see both the ravages of time and of my disease. I suppose it is fortunate that I am not overly vain, because otherwise I fear this destruction would be insurmountable, since there is a world of difference in taking pride in one's appearance and vanity. (Actually I find vanity rather laughable, because one is taking credit for the luck of the genetic lottery, same thing goes for dick or breast size.) But that is not to say that I don't want to maintain the looks that I have been so fortunate to acquire.

Except that it has proven impossible to do. Yet, it no longer really bothers me as it once did. I suppose it is because of all the friends that I lost and how I watched HIV ravage them, up to the bitter end. When I lament my loss of beauty, I need but think of others. Friends who had to endure shunts, ports and feeding tubes, just to maintain their health. Or those who lost their teeth or eyesight to this disease, yet carried on valiantly. I am reminded of those who dressed to hide their KS lesions. And the countless others who have suffered the loss of physical attributes, but through it all, they each retained both their dignity and humanity and by doing so, their beauty.

For even as I lament my loss, I take solace in the peace that my body changes have provided. Which is somewhat odd, when you consider I am part of the gay community that often values vitality and beauty over substance. Through the years, as I witnessed the change in others and myself, I began to see the fallacy in the adage that "beauty is only skin deep". I became capable of looking beyond the body and seeing the heart or soul of a person. Where I might have worried about looks, I was now concerned with that person's health. When I might have worried about what others thought, I was now only interested in my friend and how they viewed the world.

I suppose you could say, that where I once possessed a rather shallow view of the world, it has been replaced with real beauty. Seeing the sparkle in someone's eyes, regardless of the state of the body, because the eyes remain the windows to the soul. Learning what was truly important in life and making friends, not based on how they looked, but based on the caliber of their character. Understanding that beauty in a person is not only what you see, but what they are. To realize, that even with their deformaties, I have been fortunate to know some of the most beautiful people to have ever graced this planet.

So, each time I become distraught, regarding my looks, I revisit my past and everything comes back into perspective. I remember what is truly meaningful in life and bask in the incredible life that I enjoy. I never need to look any farther than Stephen, to realize how truly fortunate I am. Yet, when Halloween comes around, I still get giddy, because for just that night, I get to forget some of my loss and play pretend. But what I enjoy most about Halloween is that I get to morph into this year's fantasy, while rembering what is truly important in life.

Happy Halloween!

Joe