January 2005 Archives

Over the years I have witnessed hundreds of people, ranging from acquaintances to friends to lovers who try and change people from who they are as a person. I don't mean the little stuff like maybe being more tidy or more organized, no I am talking about changes that go to the very core of our being. Like expecting someone with a sensitive nature to become callous or for someone with a moderate education to suddenly become a Rhodes scholar. I often wonder if these people really understand the gamble they are taking when they try and make major change in others.

I have been fortunate to know and had relationships with some really great people. And while most of them were just average, there were a couple that really stood above the others. I can't fully describe the difference, but like pornography, you know it when you see it. But more importantly these people seemed to be very complex, yet remained simple, not unlike a beautiful tapestry. When I think of how to describe people I am often drawn to the tapestry analogy because it seems to perfectly describe both our beauty and complexity all in one word.

As each of us go through life, the events and people that constitute our life color our world. Not unlike the thread that is woven into a tapestry. As we gain experiences, obtain knowledge and mature, our life thread reflects those changes as our tapestry continues weaving itself. Even as we love and mourn the weaving continues. Sometimes when catastrophe strikes, portions of us may even come unraveled, yet the tapestry resumes being woven. Yes it may change shape, color or even direction, but it does continue.

Also woven into that tapestry is all that we are as a person. Every thought, emotion and trait, even all our laughter and tears are somewhere in that tapestry. Everything that we believe, feel and emote is also there for the entire world to see, if it cares to look closely enough. However, the thread that weaves the tapestry that is our life remains a blend of all that we are, at any given moment. The thread is constantly changing, reflecting the reality of our existence. So in any given segment of thread can be contained either the best or worst of our traits and sometimes even both of them mixed together. And that is where my uneasiness comes from those who would try and alter anyone's tapestry.

Because I believe that each thread in our tapestry is just as important as the next, I am always cautious about trying to change or alter others. Yes we each possess traits that our friends or loved ones might wish were not there, but you cannot extract a single strand of thread from our tapestry without the threat of it unraveling. And if you attempt to remove a thread, how do you know which thread to remove? Are you willing to risk losing a wonderful trait, because you sought to remove another less desirable one? Or what if you unwittingly remove the wrong thread? But most dreaded is that once you remove a thread, its contents are lost forever.

This is not to say that you cannot help to alter someone's tapestry as we all need some "reweaving" at times. I just encourage you to really consider why you think the change would be good for the person and not merely to suit your own wants or needs. Change for the sake of change is not always good nor desirable.

So the next time your friend, family or loved one begins to grate on your nerves, step back and admire their tapestry. Remember all that you love and cherish about them and the grating will usually just fade into the background. Unfortunately it won't work every time, but it can always work with the important issues. In dealing with those who are most dear, always remember the law of unexpected consequences and be careful what you wish for...

I'm sorry it took me some time to recover, because I just could not wait to share my vacation and wedding day with everyone. It proved to be everything that I wanted and more than I expected. I can't describe the bond that forms when you wed another, but the word intense is a vast understatement. To be loved solely by another, for whom and what you are, well, life just doesn't get any better than that. So join me on a short tour.

Our vacation began as we touched down at Pearson International Airport with a foot of snow on the ground. Stephen was in heaven as he had not seen snow for over a decade and he just loves the cold weather. Our surprise started as we were processed through Canadian Customs. When we told the officer why we were in Toronto he just light up and beamed with congratulations for our pending nuptials. Not at all the reception we expected, but how wonderful to be greeted in such a fashion. Something told me that we were definitely not in Kansas anymore.

Unfortunately, neither of us was prepared for the 16-degree weather that awaited us outside. We were fine until we left our hotel, later that afternoon. We had just left 78-degrees at home and here we were in temperatures that were 62-degrees below our normal winter at home. It was so cold that the wind just bit at your skin and raked your flesh. But as always, we were prepared for the worst and so we wandered the city looking like a couple of leather-clad Eskimos.

Toronto is a beautiful and vibrant city, even in winter. Sitting on the northern bank of Lake Ontario, she gracefully spreads in all directions and seems at the same time a large city, yet very quaint and inviting. They had an incredible ice-carving contest downtown and the artistry of these carvers was incredible. The city teamed with people of all races and there seemed to be electricity in the air. As we wandered we marveled at the architecture and how they had juxtaposed the new with the old. We started our walk on Yonge Street, going south to the financial district and then turned north on Church Street to finish in the gay village. It was a wonderful first day, one of many that would soon follow.

We spent part of one day getting our marriage license and that proved to be a really mundane experience. We were both delighted and somewhat stunned by the "non-event" of our marriage license. We were treated just like any other couple, soon to be married. While we often felt like pariahs in the States, here we were viewed as simply other members of society. What an incredible feeling to be accepted as just normal. I guess I underestimated how meaningful acceptance can be.

Finally the day arrives: New Year's Eve. We dress in our matching tuxes, with Stephen having deep blue/black accents, to match his contacts and mine being gray/black to compliment my salt'n'pepper hair... talk about a couple of queens. We throw on our matching overcoats and off we go. Once on the street, we hail a cab, for our first stop at the florist. Buttoners in hand we make our way downtown to the New City Hall. We proceed to the 3rd floor and the wedding chapel. The wedding chapel is very plain, yet somehow very appealing and there are no religious symbols of any kind displayed. It provides a very safe and inviting place to get married and the floor to ceiling windows were just sparkling with the sunshine illuminating the city displayed behind them.

We meet our minister and sign our paperwork and the ceremony begins. Being anal retentive, I had planned our ceremony out, including writing our vows. Well my mind just left me and I had to be directed throughout the service. But my heart was in full force when I spoke those vows to Stephen. Even as my voice cracked and the tears streamed down my face, I got to say the words that I longed to say, to the man who makes my heart smile. A simple exchange of our rings completed the ceremony and we were married. A tender kiss to seal the wedding and needless to say, my feet never touched the ground for the rest of the day.

We spent the rest of our day just wandering until our wedding dinner that evening. But I have to tell you that Toronto and her citizens were incredibly accepting of our wedding bliss and us. Wherever we went, people would comment on our dress and when we shared the fact that we had just gotten married, they would just bubble with congratulations. It seemed that the city was just waiting to embrace us on our special day.

Evening comes and we enjoy a wonderful dinner in the village. Again, as soon as the waiter knew of our wedding, he offered free drinks as a tribute to our day. And again, we just sat back and drank it all in, for the taste was just so sweet. We finished our dinner and returned to our room for "pill time". After relaxing for a while we decide to go find something to do to celebrate both our wedding and the New Year. We decided to alter our dress and ditched the tux coat and pant and instead wore leather jeans and boots with our tux shirts, ties and vests. Coupled with our matching overcoats and buttoners we certainly created a look. We just were not prepared for the reactions that look would receive.

You would have thought that nobody in the gay village had ever seen two guys in leather and lace. We got more looks and stares and comments during the evening and we were just reveling in all the attention. In fact, at one point a group approaches us and one of the guys says, "You look like you just got married", to which we replied that we had. He then grabbed each of us, hugged us, gave us a kiss and congratulated us, and all of this from a perfect stranger. This treatment continued throughout the evening and the evening was quickly approaching the surreal.

But I must admit that it felt good to be the belles of the ball. We were in Toronto, far from home on our wedding day, knew nobody, yet we were being embraced by everyone. Like I said, what an incredible city and the citizens showed themselves to be extremely warm and caring. They both provided for us the perfect backdrop for our wedding and New Year celebration and an unforgettable holiday season. Life just did not get any better than this day and the beautiful memories will last a lifetime.

I share this experience because I want to, but more importantly to show that life does go on with HIV and if you try hard enough, it can surpass even your wildest expectations. As I had hoped, I was able to leave my virus back in the room and just revel in our day. And a very unexpected surprise was how the city seemed to embrace us on our special day and throughout our vacation. It seems that many times in life, you can generate your own good feelings and have them returned by others, even perfect strangers.

My only regret is that none of you could attend, but you were all in my thoughts. And being that this is a new year, I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you, my family at AIDSMEDS. Words fail me in expressing how much you all mean to me and how you enrich my life. You will never know how much you all have touched me and how grateful I am for each and every one of you. Your unwavering support and acceptance of our marriage has been extremely gratifying and helped to make these past two weeks some of the best times of my life.

Amazing how a virus can provide the cement to bind such a divergent group of people and produce such a nurturing environment. Never let it be said that nothing good ever came from HIV. We are fortunate for all that we share and the community that we have built. Thanks for contributing to and sharing my perfect day. Joe

It seems that something other than my new husband followed me home from Toronto. A nasty case of pneumonia. It floored me for half the vacation, but fortunately did not affect the most important day: our wedding day. However, I am still very under the weather and while I long to share my experience with you all, my body has other plans.

Hopefully I will be feeling better later in the week so I can resume my Blog and catch up with all you fine folks. Hope you all had wonderful holidays... Joe