Joe's POZ Blog

Over the years I have witnessed hundreds of people, ranging from acquaintances to friends to lovers who try and change people from who they are as a person. I don't mean the little stuff like maybe being more tidy or more organized, no I am talking about changes that go to the very core of our being. Like expecting someone with a sensitive nature to become callous or for someone with a moderate education to suddenly become a Rhodes scholar. I often wonder if these people really understand the gamble they are taking when they try and make major change in others.

I have been fortunate to know and had relationships with some really great people. And while most of them were just average, there were a couple that really stood above the others. I can't fully describe the difference, but like pornography, you know it when you see it. But more importantly these people seemed to be very complex, yet remained simple, not unlike a beautiful tapestry. When I think of how to describe people I am often drawn to the tapestry analogy because it seems to perfectly describe both our beauty and complexity all in one word.

As each of us go through life, the events and people that constitute our life color our world. Not unlike the thread that is woven into a tapestry. As we gain experiences, obtain knowledge and mature, our life thread reflects those changes as our tapestry continues weaving itself. Even as we love and mourn the weaving continues. Sometimes when catastrophe strikes, portions of us may even come unraveled, yet the tapestry resumes being woven. Yes it may change shape, color or even direction, but it does continue.

Also woven into that tapestry is all that we are as a person. Every thought, emotion and trait, even all our laughter and tears are somewhere in that tapestry. Everything that we believe, feel and emote is also there for the entire world to see, if it cares to look closely enough. However, the thread that weaves the tapestry that is our life remains a blend of all that we are, at any given moment. The thread is constantly changing, reflecting the reality of our existence. So in any given segment of thread can be contained either the best or worst of our traits and sometimes even both of them mixed together. And that is where my uneasiness comes from those who would try and alter anyone's tapestry.

Because I believe that each thread in our tapestry is just as important as the next, I am always cautious about trying to change or alter others. Yes we each possess traits that our friends or loved ones might wish were not there, but you cannot extract a single strand of thread from our tapestry without the threat of it unraveling. And if you attempt to remove a thread, how do you know which thread to remove? Are you willing to risk losing a wonderful trait, because you sought to remove another less desirable one? Or what if you unwittingly remove the wrong thread? But most dreaded is that once you remove a thread, its contents are lost forever.

This is not to say that you cannot help to alter someone's tapestry as we all need some "reweaving" at times. I just encourage you to really consider why you think the change would be good for the person and not merely to suit your own wants or needs. Change for the sake of change is not always good nor desirable.

So the next time your friend, family or loved one begins to grate on your nerves, step back and admire their tapestry. Remember all that you love and cherish about them and the grating will usually just fade into the background. Unfortunately it won't work every time, but it can always work with the important issues. In dealing with those who are most dear, always remember the law of unexpected consequences and be careful what you wish for...