Joe's POZ Blog

Finding love while being HIV positive can be a daunting task. As if dating was not already as awkward as possible, when you add in HIV it just becomes a totally different game. As I read the posts and hear the laments in my HIV support group, concerning the lack of relationships, I often wonder, "When do we become our own worse enemy?" Granted, life with HIV is hard enough and finding a relationship can be a challenge for even the most adept Don Juan. Yet when I listen, I hear some very concrete reasons, on why people do not have relationships and many of them have little to do with a lack of opportunity for dating. Few involve the inability to overcome insurmountable issues, while others are directly controllable and some are simply based out of fear.

So in my own humble way, let me share some of the experience and knowledge I have gained through my dating career. I don't have any easy answers or magic potions, but I do believe that if you are honest with your self, develop reasonable expectations and can be adaptable that there is indeed someone out there for you. It may not be easy and the self-introspection, may be more than some people can handle, but anything really worth having takes work and aren't you worth it? I know I am.

Let's start with the most insurmountable dating obstacle, which is illustrated with this quote from a local man, frustrated with dating in the HIV environment. He says: "I understand your reasons for not wanting to date me because I have HIV. Now you need to understand, how being told that HIV is more important than anything else about me, makes me feel". In two depressingly honest statements he encapsulates one of the most impossible aspects of dating with HIV. For some people, for whatever reasons, dating someone with HIV will never be an option, because they are unable to distinguish between the person, the virus and their fear and nothing you say or do, will change that reality.

Some will claim that their fear is borne from a potential exposure to HIV, or they don't want to love someone and then watch them die, or many other reasons. While the reasons may matter to them, the rejection you feel is no less devastating. But as painful as that rejection may seem, you really need to understand that this issue is theirs and not yours. For someone to label another, based on a trait they have no control over, is a losing game. It's not logical but based in emotions and emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are. Unfortunately emotions rule many people

Another obstacle, though maybe not insurmountable, are those people who are simply unknowing of what they want in a relationship or are not yet mature enough to be in one. They have yet to realize what is really important in life and while you might lust after them, I would expect, in the end, you would find them sorely lacking as relationship material. You might have to grow a little tougher hide to not take these types of rejections so personally and you certainly need to get adept at excluding these types of people, to maximize your odds when dating.

Another area of dating that confuses me are those who search for their "soul-mate" or their "other-half". I never thought, before meeting Stephen, that I lacked half a soul or that I was not whole. I always thought that the goal of a relationship was to enrich your life, not to complete it. I have a great personal life and I enjoy many things that I do not share with anyone. I like myself and it took me many years to both realize and believe that and I have no intention of going back to those insecure times. I had learned to appreciate the difference between wanting something and needing it.

So maybe, when you think that you need someone else to complete you, might it not be better to look inside your self and determine what you really need? I often found it very easy to project my needs onto my relationship, where they usually collided. Personal and relationship issues can be very different and both can take a great amount of time and effort to address. I find that my relationship is most successful when I distinguish between the needs of the two and deal with each of them accordingly. It's my responsbility to work on my own issues and to have the energy to work at relationship issues. I suppose a simple way to say this would be to encourage you to pack lightly when seeking a relationship and take the absolute least amount of personal baggage with you.

I also believe that there is a connection between your own feelings of self-worth and how well you deal with the rigors of dating. It took me awhile to realize that some people really are only attracted to certain types and if I did not fit that preconceived type, then I was out of luck. The rejection would have nothing to do with me and after a time, I did find this type of rejection easier to handle. That's where your self-worth comes in, because you know what type of person you are, but they will never know what might have been. Again, this is their issue so don't make it yours.

I also doubt that love will come knocking on your door. Looking for love is hard work and you need to work at improving your odds. You know what you like and enjoy, so find venues that attract other people with those same interests. Learn to think outside of the box when searching for people. Don't discount avenues just because you are too fearful or because they might require some work. Or miss the obvious choices where possible dates might frequent daily, such as a local grocery store here, that is the number one place to meet gay men in this city. If you want it badly enough, you need to take some risks and put yourself out there for everyone to see, otherwise, how will they know that you exist?

I met Stephen on the Internet. To this day, we are unsure of how I found his profile, as I claimed it to be on a site, on which he claims he had never posted a profile. Very Twilight Zone, but I like to think that maybe I had finally become my own man and I was ready for this relationship. That maybe all my hard work had finally allowed me to attract the person I really wanted in my life. Stephen was not even my "type" when we first met. But he captivated me during our first dinner and I have never looked back. To think, that I might have excluded him, for the foolish reason of not being my "type". But instead, I left myself open to the possibilities and they have turned out to be endless.

There is also the issue of presenting yourself honestly in seeking to meet people, because facades eventually crumble. I assume you want someone to like you, for whom you are, not for who you think they might like you to be. So be honest and let them see the real you. You might also want to alter your thinking when first meeting someone and just look for friends first and see what develops. I discovered that by just making that first meeting, say for coffee, it took a lot of the pressure off both of us. And if that first meeting was less than what I had hoped for, I could cut my losses and bow out after coffee. Just because they might like you, does not matter if you don't feel any chemistry for them. Why drag out a painful experience? There is a vast difference between being mean and being honest. On the other hand, if the meeting goes well, you then have the perfect segue to another "date" or just moving right into another activity.

I also recognized the difference between "falling in like/love" and "falling in lust" because you need the first to fuel the second. I learned to listen more than I talked, otherwise how would I get to know the other person? (It also helps you from divulging too much, too soon.) I learned to not wear my heart on my sleeve and to share my experiences as a trickle and not a torrent. I realized the value of realistic expectations, when meeting others and strived to not project my issues or wants onto the other person. I also learned when to stay home, because although the physical body might be wanting, the heart and soul were tired that night. Trust me, when you are not feeling "right", that comes out to others.

As I dated, I began to see how closely tied my fears of being alone were to my being HIV positive. That somehow the virus would prevent any meaningful relationship from developing. So I worked very hard to maintain a positive outlook when dating, even when the rejections came in buckets. A funny thing about those rejections though, was they enabled me to understand the real me and helped me to formulate my wants and desires in a partner. Granted, I might not have been able to get a date, but at least I knew what I was looking for in a partner. I began to see how fear was a part, even a desirable part of dating, because it kept you sharp, while still leaving you vulnerable. It helped me to understand that when you are really ready to love is when you are must vulnerable, because you are exposing your heart to another. I truly believe that you are ready for love, when you allow your self to be loved by another.

Most important, by far, is that I finally saw how most of us are just as afraid as the next person and that we really do not need much out of life. All we hope for is finding that special someone to call our own, to share our life with and to be part of our relationship. But love takes many forms; so don't discount anything without really exploring the possibilities. I would also suggest that you learn to enjoy your travels through the world of dating. Because you never know if your journey will ever end and if it does not, you don't want to have regretted the journey. There are certainly worse things in life, than say, having too many friends.

Personally I think everyone can find love. Spend some time understanding what love means to you and what you want and need in your life. Devise a plan and then put that plan into action. Learn to pick your self back up, dust off your pride and press onwards. Understand which parts of dating you can control and then do so. Become adept at spotting those issues that you cannot control and don't let them get under your skin. Be realistic with your goals, learn that there is no shame in compromise and I expect you will be successful in your quest.

I know I was.