September 2005 Archives

It's a question I've been grappling with, in one form or another, for most of my life. I used to ask it about my being closeted and wondered just how great the pain needed to get, before I left that closet and declared I was gay to my family, friends and coworkers. Yet, even after I came out, the pain that resulted from that was still not enough to force me back into the closet. I had come to realize that getting through that initial pain of coming out was only transitory and that eventually it would subside. It finally did and so did all the pain that surrounded my coming out as gay. It became more prudent to accept a higher level of pain, for a shorter period of time, than living with the pain of remaining closeted forever.

The next time I asked that question was in relation to my HIV infection, when I finally decided to disclose my status, again to my family, friends and selected coworkers. That time the resulting pain was almost overwhelming and the fallout lasted for years. But again, never during those long torturous years, did I ever question my decision to disclose, because the pain of not disclosing was still greater in my mind. So again, I persevered, suffered horrific losses, including family, most friends and some coworkers, but never regretted my decision. Because by disclosing to the world, I was now free to live my life openly in terms of both my sexuality and HIV status.

These two instances happened many, many years ago and since then I have often reached an impasse with an issue, where I find myself asking, "How much is enough"? Each time I research the issue, weigh my options, try to anticipate events and then make the best decision that I can. Unfortunately I have reached another impasse, one that I never anticipated and until now, was unsure of how to even phrase it, let alone address it head-on.

I have reached an impasse over my country's decision to actively discriminate against me, simply because I am gay. I cannot understand how they can deny me the 1,428 federal benefits, that straight married couples enjoy under federal law. I don't understand what I have done or how I am inferior to my fellow Americans. And frankly, I am sick of trying to understand, because from my history, I can recognize true hatred when I see it and I see nothing but hatred from my government, at the federal, state and local levels.

Now, I am not spoiling to argue whether being gay is a choice or biologically dictated, but let me ask you one simple question. With all that you have witnessed regarding gay people, how we are vilified, condemned, feared and loathed; how HIV, after 25 years is still viewed as a gay disease with all the related fear and stigma that includes and the simple fact that gays remain the last minority that is it still OK to discriminate against, would you choose to be part of that minority? I can't imagine any sane person would. But I don't have a choice.

I've known that I was gay from a very early age and have no doubt, whatsoever, that being gay is hard wired, right from birth. I don't choose to love men, I love men because that is what I feel for them. You choose a paint color, or even a mate, but you can't deny who you are. Or conversely, if sexuality is a choice, then how easy will it be for you straight readers to become gay? Little chance at all, because it's not a choice, its just part of whom we are.

But I live in the United States, with a president who would gladly enshrine discrimination against me, in the founding documents of this great country. I live in the state of Florida, which is in the process of passing an amendment to ban gay marriage. The legislature is even considering formulating laws to negate the various domestic partnership benefits that have sprung up around the state, (which benefit all non-married couples) all the while claiming to be doing this to retain the "sanctity of marriage, between a man and a woman." If their hatred for me was not so plainly obvious, I could find this almost laughable.

Unfortunately that hatred is ever present and they are using that hatred to deny me the same rights that non-gay Americans enjoy. Protect marriage, please. Half of all straight marriages end in divorce; surely gays can do no worse. But the point is that I have just as much right to marry the person I love as anyone else. You are not protecting one aspect of society (marriage) by discriminating against another segment of society (gays). Yet, that is exactly what is happening, and what is most galling is they have the nerve to then call themselves Christians, as they are yanking my rights out from under me. The don't even have enough balls, to speak the truth about how they feel about gay people and how we are simply less deserving than they, because we don't fit their distorted morality of what a loving couple should be. So you tell me, how I am I so different from you?

I live with a man that I love, more than anything and we have made a home together for the past 5 years. We are active in our community; we want safe streets, good schools and safe roads. We worry about the future and do what we can to ensure that we will have what we need. We are good, caring people, who entertain your children on Halloween with our pumpkins, or delight your family with our "over the top" holiday displays, but I?m also the guy who speaks before the City Council to ensure we get those speed bumps, to protect your children. I do that, because I am a parent just like many of you. However, being a gay parent in Florida does make one less equal than others, because Florida also bans adoptions by gay parents. I don't want to even get started on that one, because the obvious hatred by Jeb Bush and the state Republicans for gays is palpable at 1,000 feet.

So what exactly do you have to fear from me? Is it wrong for me to want the same things you get, just by being non-gay? You did not make a decision to be straight anymore than I decided to be gay. But even if you think being gay is a decision, it?s still my decision to make and as long as I don't hurt others, as a result of that decision, again it is none of your business. I don't care what you do in your bedroom, why does what I do there concern so many people?

All I have ever asked is to be granted equal rights. I don't want, nor do I need "special rights", as long as I am equal in the eyes of our courts and governments. But I am not equal in the eyes of either and I don't expect that situation to change in the states for a very long time. The country has allowed our government to fester with hatred for all who are not like them and they are codifying that hate into laws that discriminate against me simply because I am gay. For no other reason, except that I am gay, keep saying that, until it begins to sink in. Discriminated against because of a trait, over which I have no control. I could no sooner stop being gay, as you could change the color of your eyes.

Once again, enough has become enough. After much soul-searching and a lot of research, Stephen and I have decided to leave the US and move to Canada. I was born in Toronto, so I am a dual-citizen and as such, Stephen will also become Canadian through our marriage in Toronto, last December. We are working with an immigration attorney who is leading us through the red tape and expect to have our affairs in order, by the middle of next year.

So for now, we are preparing our home and will be putting it on the market, at the end of hurricane season and moving north. My guess is we will probably go to Toronto first, for many reasons, with our ultimate goal being to relocate in Montreal. I can?t even begin to express my feelings about leaving this country, so I won't even try. All I know is that I have had enough of being hated and despised for simply being me and I can no longer reside in a country that obviously does not welcome me or my husband, nor our right to marry and make a life with whomever we love.

Sometimes, enough is too much.

The events of the past few years and especially the effects of hurricane Katrina have had a profound effect on most Americans, yet the inept reactions I see from Washington, in responding to those events, leaves me questioning their ability to govern this country. I have equal contempt for both Mr. Bush and our Congress, as I believe that both have failed the American people horribly through their partisan bickering and seeming indifference to the suffering that too many of our citizens are experiencing.

My first comments are directed to Mr. Bush, which is the only way I can address him, because he has yet to earn my respect enough, for me to call him president. After all, this is a man who would enshrine discrimination against me, in the Constitution of the United States, merely because I am gay. No Mr. Bush, you don't gain respect by being voted into office, you gain respect through your words and deeds. You gain respect, by providing true leadership to this country, but that is something that you have yet to do.

You said when first elected that you were a "uniter" and not a divider. Unfortunately sir, you lied to us, because no president has done more to divide this great nation than you have, through your irresponsible tax cuts, heartless budget cuts, kowtowing to special interests and the religious right and lying us into a war that need not be fought. How do you explain your skipping the first days of disaster relief, so you could maintain your vacation and attend fundraisers with your rich friends?

How you could wait 4 days, before getting relief efforts fully up and running, when you had a weeks notice of the impending storm, is beyond comprehension. But maybe when we look at the areas affected and those residents, your indifference can be brought into the light. I wonder if it matters that vast portions of the victims of Katrina are black, or that most of them live below the poverty level? Or that a large percentage of blacks vote Democratic? Don't imagine many of them contributed to your election campaigns either. So does that make their lives worth less than others?

I'd like to believe that none of this matters, but your history tells me otherwise. Unfortunately you have a history of not supporting those programs, through adequate funding, to serve the most needy of Americans. How you can allow under-funding ADAP and other programs, that have cost people their lives, is something I just cannot fathom. Yet you have repeated those actions numerous times, because most of the programs involved serve the most needy among us. And it would appear, at least in your administrations' eyes, that needy people are more expendable than others.

I do not believe you are capable of leading this great country, because you seem to believe that some lives in America are indeed worth less than others. You squander those lives daily, through a war that is of your making. The Iraq war, the one that you lied to the American public to gain support for and have now mired us in that war.

We are left to salvage a poor country, to clean up the mess that you started and in doing so we are sacrificing our brave armed service personnel and taking away literally hundreds of billions of dollars that should be spent right here at home. Those lost lives are precious and those hundreds of billions could go a very long way in alleviating some of the suffering that exists across this vast nation. And how many lives will be lost and untold billions will we have to spend to complete cleaning up your mess? Or how many billions lost due to your irresponsible tax cuts? But most disappointing is that we are no safer due to the Iraq war, even with its horrific costs and you know it.

You also used the mantra of security for this country, as a key part of your re-election campaign. Yet you were unable to respond quickly to a known threat, one that you had days in which to prepare for, so why should I expect that you will respond appropriately in the event of a terrorist attack? Those aren't publicized in advance and if you can't plan for known disasters, exactly how are we safer with you leading us in the event of another "non-publicized" attack?

You claim to be speaking to god, but your god is not the president, you are. You are sworn to uphold the Constitution of the United States, which specifically forbids the mixture of religion and government, yet you allow your religious beliefs to influence your decisions, decisions that have had very dire consequences. You have allowed your warped sense of morality to dictate how you govern this country and this is totally unacceptable. You allow the substitution of your morality for science in HIV/STD prevention messages and insist on excluding talk of either abortion or contraception as family planning options, as a requirement your morality has foisted on foreign governments to receive our help.

You are trying to dictate how people live their lives, but that is not your job. Your job is to ensure that every American is viewed as an equal, in the eyes of the government, yet you have repeatedly shown that some lives are worth less than others. You have failed this country and because of those failings, I believe it is time that the American people receive your resignation, because you have truly failed us as a leader, not to mention as president.

Next, I turn to our Congress. As with the president, my frustration with you, as a governing body is beyond disappointing. You are supposed to represent all of America, but you can't support that which you do not know and you do not know America or her needs. As with Mr. Bush, you spin a good story, but when it comes time to deliver, on really important issues, you have consistently failed us.

I'll give you just one example of how your careless planning will have a devastating effect on many of us in the Medicare program, specifically those of us in the HIV population. You just added Medicare Part D for prescription drugs, but you left what is now known as the "donut hole" in that coverage, which will have a disproportionate affect on positive people (and others) who take high numbers of prescription drugs. The new plan will require me to pay almost $4,500 to cover that "donut hole", but I'll need to pay that amount over a few months because I take 16 prescription drugs each month, so I will reach the "donut hole" much faster than other participants.

That's because the drugs I need are priced at ridiculous levels, because you bowed to the drug industry and forbade the negotiation of any quantity/price discounts for government programs. You sold millions of us out, so you could get reelected and remain in power. But you have squandered that power and as such, you are no longer worthy to govern.

So tell me, where will those of us affected get that extra money to pay that "donut hole" amount? I suppose you didn't consider that to be relevant when you yanked the rug out from under us. However, I'll have to find that money, because without it, I will no longer have access to the drugs that I need to sustain my life through the Medicare program. This is but one instance, out of hundreds, of your insensitivity to the needs of many Americans.

You don't even want to get me started on your latest energy policy, or should I say, lack of one? Wouldn't want to upset all your supporters in the oil industry.

I no longer believe that the majority of Congress have the true interest of the American public at heart, as they govern this great nation. Too many of you have prostituted yourself for self-advancement, whether political or personal. You seem so out of touch with the true realities of living in this country. You are so far removed from the average American and so indentured to special interests and that isolation and indifference has cost us dearly.

You took us into a war that did not need to be fought. It was your job to ascertain whether invading Iraq was justified and you failed miserably. You are squandering billions on a war we did not need to start. You have allowed religion to creep into government and influence important decisions. You are allowing "governance by morality", a "religious-right" morality and that is plain wrong. That "morality" is costing lives. You are trying to legislate morality, but I fear you are so out of touch, that you cannot even see your own follies. Government in America is "by the people, for the people", but you don't seem to know America at all.

The America I know is one where we all strive to coexist and hopefully provide for the most needy amongst us. We entrust our government to plan and provide for those needs, but when it becomes apparent that the government is no longer capable of meeting those needs, it is time for a change. I believe it is time for a major change in America, in how we treat each other and what we expect from our elected officials.

With that I make my final appeal to the American public. Something is horribly wrong in America and the core of that horror rests in Washington D.C. Too many of our politicians have sold us out, to the highest bidder and they no longer represent the will of the American people. I still believe that Americans remain some of the most compassionate and caring people on the planet. Just look at our history. When disaster strikes, we respond and often at levels that surprise even us. But we have allowed our political environment and the resulting government to sour, to the extent that it fails us repeatedly and in the times when we need it most, like now, it fails to meet even the lowest of expectations.

I believe it is time that we take America back and insist on meaningful reform in the political arena. We need to reassert the will of the American people and stop this dangerous trend of substituting religion for government. We might be one nation under God, but nobody says which God, so all are included and we decided a couple of hundred years ago to keep religion and government separate. It's time to get back to a government that considers only the needs of the American people and not her elected officials, nor their connected friends.

But the reality in America remains, that some lives are worth less than others. You need look no further than at the disparity of relief efforts, between hurricane Katrina and the four storms that hit Florida in 2004. However, the brother of the president governs Florida, so I suspect that Floridians are possibly worth more than the victims of Katrina. At least it certainly appears that way, based on the severe disparity in the responses to both disasters.

Some lives worth less than others. I believe it is time that we work to change that truth and that change must start with each of us. It's time to hold politicians and officials accountable for their actions or in-action and government needs to start mirroring the private sector in its accountability. Honestly, do you think that some of our appointed/elected officials would ever survive in the "real" world? Of course not, so why do we tolerate them in our government?

Please let your representatives know your feelings and encourage an end to this partisan bickering. Republicans and Democrats are so busy snipping at each other, that they are costing us the lives of both our soldiers and citizens. It's time for this to stop. It's time for an honest appraisal of America and her needs and then formulating meaningful legislation that truly addresses those needs. It's time for real change in our government and not just pandering to the masses. Let hurricane Katrina provide the catalyst for this change, because only through our actions can we facilitate needed reforms.

I don't want to live in an America that values one life less than another, do you?