Joe's POZ Blog

As we all know, being diagnosed with HIV starts us on a journey that often never ends, but seems to have specific stages and I’m just wondering at which stage you believe you are at. I’ve thought about the poz people I’ve known over the years and have come up with some stages that I think are relevant to our jouney. This entry is not meant to label people, or to make anyone feel inferior/superior to others because we all have different ways of coping so wherever you are in your journey is where you are.

But I think this overview might be very helpful, especially to our newly diagnosed members, so they can see just how diverse the journey can be, but over time, most of us all seem to land in about the same spot. My stage definitions are also a little irreverent, because if we can’t laugh at ourselves we might lack the temerity to survive and even thrive with HIV. So join me for a short trip though some jouney stages.

The newly diagnosed or “deer in the headlights” stage.

This is what most of us experience when first diagnosed. We are damned, doomed and unable to think of nothing except HIV. We walk around in a trance, oblivious to the world around us, because our entire world has been shattered. We may cry uncontrollably, drink, do drugs or eat to excess and have a general disregard for ourselves. For some becoming infected is seen as a scourge from the gods or a judgment on our morality. For others it’s the expected result of irresponsible behavior. And for yet others, it is something over which they had no control whatsoever. Eventually we begin to move past this stage, but it’s not unusual for some to take a year or more to move through this stage, as each of us must find our own way.

The denial stage.

This stage can happen anywhere, but usually follows being diagnosed. For many, they simply cannot or will not accept their infection and in doing so they often become their own worse enemy. This stage is often accompanied by depression that just further aggravates the condition. Most people move through this stage in varying intensities and arrive on the other side; no worse for wear and ready to enter the next stage. Unfortunately for some, they never leave this stage and for too many it has cost them their lives or condemned them to live a soulless existence.

The beginning to understand, starting to accept and behavior modification stage, or the “I’m not going to die” stage.

This generally follows the newly diagnosed and denial stages and begins when we start to truly address the effects of HIV on us and begin to tailor a plan on how to address those challenges. This phase can include the insatiable desire to read every written word on HIV while charting our numbers incessantly. We begin to pay attention to what we put into and do to our bodies and often modify our behaviors to minimize the daily wear and tear of living. We begin to realize that we are not going to die and start to plan for a future, while taking responsibility for our own health. We forge good working relationships with our doctors, surround ourselves with supportive people and for many, this is the stage where we finally start to feel a little comfortable with being positive.

The made your peace with your virus (because what option do you really have?) stage.

This is the stage where most people end up, no matter how long it may take to reach this stage. You are past the fears and have some experience under your belt, you’ve developed a good medical and support system and for good or bad, your life goes on and you have a certain level of satisfaction with that life, no matter what the challenges. It is often during this stage that poz people begin to advocate or volunteer their time, because they know how important it is to help foster others along this journey. They have gained insight into the virus and the coping mechanisms and are confident in their abilities and so they seek to share those abilities with others.

Lastly, the saddest stage of all: the hopeless or intractably bitter stage.

This is a stage that most people never reach because it seems to be nothing more than hell on earth. No matter what their history, life sucks, the universe is unfair and everybody is out to get them. They often are unwilling to take any personal responsibility for themselves so they forever remain a victim. They seek others of their kind so they can commiserate on how awful their lives truly are. They are very difficult to be around, almost impossible to console and therefore are generally avoided by the rest of the poz community, because you can only be surrounded by so much hopelessness or bitterness.

So there are my stages. Nothing scientific, but I imagine we can find a bit of ourselves in each and every stage that I have mentioned. Nothing wrong with that. Because our journey is ours alone, but isn’t it nice to know that what you are feeling at times is just another stage in this journey? I’m sure there are times, when we all feel as if we are losing either our perspective and/or our mind and that’s all part of the journey.

At least you know you are not alone.