Joe's POZ Blog

The last rechargeable battery for our drill finally died and so off I went in search of a replacement. As luck would have it, a new battery was $100 bucks and when I got it home, it fit the drill, but not our charger. So back to Lowe’s in search of a charger, this would have been another $89 bucks. Awfully expensive just to replace a battery, when for $50 more I could get four tools, 18v versus 12v, with a re-charger and two batteries for about the price to replace one battery and charger. But as I was going home, I realized that I would now be discarding the old drill, because it no longer had any energy to run it. That got me thinking about how we dispose of things when they no longer function, suit our purpose or we outgrow them. At least I can recycle the battery, but what about us?

What exactly do we do with ourselves, when our battery will no longer charge? Where do we go for a replacement? We don’t come with cords to plug in that would trickle charge us back to full power. Yes we have the fuel that comes from living responsibly and eating well balanced meals and exercise and whatever helps to fuel your soul. Yet there are times, when I feel that there is nothing left that can nurture my soul, nor recharge my battery. At times, life seems to suck the very essence from me and I’m not talking about depression, because that I can identify, no this is more of a malaise that just seems to slowly drain me.

I know that part of the problem is that my life is much too predictable as I am often ruled by my health and all that it entails. Just the administrative burden of being poz can drain anyone and when you add the stress of the disease and life in general, it’s a wonder that more of us just don’t implode from all of it. Since we don’t, it’s obvious that we each develop our own tools for coping and dealing with all that life can throw at us. However, recently I have noticed a marked change in my ability to bounce back from these stresses and each time that happens, my energy level falls just a little.

How I wish it was due to depression, because it is an adversary that I know well and I have a complete arsenal at my disposal. Instead, I find myself almost powerless to stop these episodes of overwhelming stress and the resulting energy drop. It’s not an issue of controlling my stress, because I do that fairly well. It's a marked change in how I am responding to that stress. I can’t really describe it and I'm getting more concerned, because I am beginning to wonder just how much longer I can do this.

I start my 22nd year of living with HIV on March 17, a milestone to be sure, but it’s also starting my climb to my third decade of living with HIV. I'm having a hard time recharging my battery, because I am beginning to feel that I am losing control over the rate of this energy loss. The episodes seem to come more frequently and each time, it takes just a little longer to regain momentum. This is really starting to concern me and I realize that I will have to find a way to gain control over this, yet a part of me fears, that the day will come, when I will be unable to marshal the resources I need to conquer this malaise.

I’m sharing this for a simple reason that I suspect many people have these same feelings and I think they are perfectly normal, given our lot in life. I don’t belittle myself for these episodes, as if they are somehow a reflection of me or my abilities, but rather, maybe a warning sign that something in my life is out of balance. Given the signs, I can generally gain some personal insight on how I need to correct this imbalance and then make the necessary changes. But these episodes are different.

I’ve lost so much control over my life, dictated by this damn virus and now I feel as if I am losing what little control HIV does not wield. I don’t like this one bit, but I realize it all comes from aging with HIV and expect that I will persevere. Yet somehow, when each new episode occurs, my will is sapped just a little more and I wonder at what point, my battery won’t charge anymore.