March 2006 Archives

lying in the drawer, her hard steel, machine tooled body and her 9mm, hollow point bullets. One easy motion would open the drawer to bring her into the light and while caressing her handle, a quick pull on the bolt to load her, a slight tilt of the hand to aim her, and …

That thought is what brought me back to life, hopefully a steady road to recovery and this forum. In case you noticed, I’ve been absent for a while and the reason remains a constant one for me, mainly depression. Unfortunately, this last episode was the blockbuster of all episodes and had me almost jeopardizing my life and my relationship through my constantly pushing Stephen away. Suffice it to say that I am very fortunate for the quality of the relationship that I enjoy and the caliber of the man that loves me, along with a gifted therapist. The specifics of my episode are not as important as the message that it carried.

I’ve suffered from severe depression for about 25 years. In fact, it is the reason for my disability under Social Security and not my HIV status. I did a Blog entry before on the specifics of my depression, so I won’t retrace old territory, rather I want to share with you what can happen when you ignore that you have a mental illness. If you are lucky, you have a bad day or so, but you may also wind up staring at a drawer that contains a gun that is beginning to look like a very viable solution to ending your current state of mind.

As I read the posts I see reflected a fair amount of emotions that could be tied to depression. The posters who seem to be a Jeckyl & Hyde or real steady people, who seem to just “go off” one day, for no apparent reason to those who seemingly self-implode on their own. In all of these situations, depression could be playing a role, so all that I ask is that if you have feelings that seem strange to you, or you just don’t feel like your normal self, please talk to someone, because while it is usually nothing, it can also mean the beginnings of depression.

I believe that depression is a very under-diagnosed disease present in many pos people. I’ve yet to talk with anyone pos who have not admitted to feelings of hopelessness and unexplained sadness and when that happens, you need to let someone know about it because depression is very good at robbing you of rational thought and distorting the reality that surrounds you. If you are beginning that decline, into that black hole, where nothing exists, no feelings, motivation, fear, pain, joy … none of it, just a blackness that ensnares your conscience, until it is satisfied and lets you return to your own reality. You’ll need help in avoiding that pit or to climb out of it. That’s why it is so important to share what you are feeling with your doctor and if you are feeling really out of sorts, then it’s critical that you speak with someone.

I know some of you might think that mental illness is just an excuse and it only affects weak people. Or it’s really some sort of act and you can just “snap” out of it, but believe me when I tell you how wrong you are. Mental illness, whether it be depression, anxiety, OCD, you name it, can be so much more debilitating than any physical disease. My crying jags on Monday were so severe that I could not drive my truck. I was crying so hard that I could not see beyond my tears and the crying went on for hours. The beast had gotten a solid hold on me that began last Saturday night and only ended, earlier this Tuesday afternoon. There were times where I was beating on my head, screaming for “them” to get out of my mind. There I was, all alone, screaming for non-existent entities to leave my mind. To be honest, it scarred the living shit right out of me.

Never one to miss a message that gets delivered, with a couple of days from hell as an attachment, I’ve been searching for what triggered this last episode and as always, it’s the obvious stuff, that for whatever reason, sometimes gets lost in the shuffle. There’s been a lot of stress at home, what with the Hurricanes (7 in 18 months), the recovery and repairs, preparing the house for sale and the latest debacle, a leak under our slab that involved a plumber who made a 3 day job, into a two week ordeal. Then Stephen got sick, I got sick, he got sick again, and blah, blah, blah and the mound kept growing. But rather than doing what I generally do when the stress starts mounting, which would be to immediately go roller-blading or motorcycle riding, I decided to dig in my heels and try and move the mountain myself. Really bad decision on my part, one I dare say, that almost cost me my life.

So I have pledged to return to my center. I am returning to those things, where I can affect change, reconnect to the world and re-institute those things that constitute my balance. My hubby keeps me healthy with proper nutrition and I’m recommitting to physical exercise. I also want to resume my writing, which has been dormant for much too long and with all the ammo the Republicans are providing … What remains important here is that I lost my way and forgot what fuels my passion, makes me happy and what I deserve. I need to regain my “rhythm” if you will, because without it I will return to those fringes of sanity where things are just too dangerous.

I also have a responsibility to myself, because while I don’t deserve to have depression, I do have it and as such I must treat it as aggressively as any other disease. So my life has changed, again and I’m back in therapy, adjusting those psyche drugs and reclaiming my destiny. I’m learning new ways to reach harmony with my world, and myself, because my sanity and possibly by default, my life, depends upon attaining those goals.

Mostly, I want to return to my family here and just fall back into place and enjoy the ride. Finding my balance again means doing things that I must, but more importantly, doing things that bring me joy and a sense of self-fulfillment. I lost my way for a period, but I have returned, hopefully stronger, but certainly wiser. Experience has a way of sneaking up on you and sometimes it gives you a “Jethro” (that’s a hit upside the head, for you non-NCIS fans) just to remind you of where your priorities should lie. I’ll try to never forget or ignore my priorities, because I never want “her” to ever seem that inviting again.

(Dedicated to Stephen, my rock, and the love of my life and my best friend and to a very dear long-distant friend; thank you both for loving me.)

I’m including the following opinion article from the March 6, 2006, South Florida Sun-Sentinel Editorial Board because it makes my blood boil and I believe it is time for us to take back our governments and end this tyranny and bigotry that has been foisted on us, by the Republican majority.

The article details the hateful atmosphere that exists in Florida today and I’m sure these travesties are being repeated across this great nation. So read this for yourself and then decide if you need to start taking some action, because Republicans have legislated away our right to marry and now adoption and soon who knows what. If you think I am professing doom and gloom, you are right, because most Republicans loathe both gay people and needy people seeking medical services, because they believe that both are just leeches on society and it’s only going to get worse.

If we don’t start rebelling against an uncaring government, no matter at what level, can legislation be far behind that will limit our rights simply because we have HIV? You can bet on it. Republicans claim to be compassionate conservatives when in fact many of them are nothing more than liars and bigots, because they seek our destruction, whether it is through legislating us into oblivion or under-funding those programs that we need to survive. If they can do this to children, supposedly the ones society is obligated to protect, what chance does a bunch of gays and positive people have to ensure our own survival?

GOP gives up kids’ lives to scare up votes
By William Butte

“I love my dads and they love me back, and that is one thing that Florida can never take away from me.”

Ironically, it was Valentine’s Day when 18-year-old Franke Alexandre found himself in Tallahassee before the five-member Florida Senate Committee on Children and Families, defiantly declaring his never-ending love for his foster parents, Steven Lofton and Roger Croteau.

Franke wants his dads to adopt him. But because Florida law bans gays from adopting, the state would rather rip the family apart.

His brave appearance before the committee, as with other-witnesses, was an attempt to persuade the three Republican members to vote for a bill sponsored by Sen. Nan Rich, D-Weston, and supported by Sen. Walter “Skip” Campbell, D-Fort Lauderdale, which would allow gays to legally adopt foster children if a judge finds, by “clear and convincing” evidence, it is in the child’s best interest.

Franke told the committee about his short life with its eyebrow-raising details – details he shared on the op-ed page of the South Florida Sun-Sentinel the same day: Born HIV-positive; mother died of AIDS soon after; uninvolved biological father.

It certainly explains his passion for a love that can never be taken away.

Lofton and Croteau, pediatric nurses specializing in AIDS at the hospital where Franke was born, took him and three other HIV-positive infants into their home. Their exemplary care of these special needs children earned them the first “Outstanding Forster Parenting Award” from Florida’s Children’ Home Society. Later, the family moved to Oregon to live near Lofton’s elderly parents and expanded with two more HIV-positive children.

Franke has thrived under Lofton and Croteau’s superior medical and parenting skills and today he is ready for college. But before he turned 18, the state of Florida demanded him to return or lose his much-needed financial support.

Unfortunately for Franke, neither his powerful story and love for his foster days nor their extraordinary parenting skills swayed Republicans Mike Fasano of New Port Richey, Evelyn Lynn of Ormond Beach and Durell Peaden of Crestview. So Rich, fighting an adoption ban she said was “born out of bigotry and prejudice,” had to table her bill.

One reason for Franke’s failure is bad timing.

With 2006 midterm elections approaching, Republicans, eager to deflect attention from questions over ethics and Iraq, reportedly are gearing up in at least 16 states to pass laws or secure November ballot initiatives to prevent gays from adopting. As they did in 2004 with antigay marriage amendments in 11 states, their plan is to draw out millions of socially conservative voters, like an Ohio pastor who said gays adopting gives the opportunity for “experimenting on children.”

And with our decades-old appeals-court–upheld anti-gay adoption lay as the blueprint for other states to follow, there isn’t a snowball’s chance in the Keys of Florida Republicans watering it down.

That’s the same chance Franke has this election year in his fervent desire to legally be part of the only family he’s every known. He’s up against the Republican’s fetid desire to retain and expand their political power at whatever cost, even if it’s playing the homophobia card at the expense of our society’s neediest children.

The Children’s Bureau, U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services statistics show that of more than 532,000 children in the foster care system – virtually all survivors of dysfunctional heterosexual households – approximately 120,000 are available for adoption. Yet less than half (about 50,000) find permanent homes each year.

So although some will argue kids like Franke need homes with a mother and father, there just aren’t enough June and Ward Cleaver types out there willing to fill the need.

Even more tragically, many adoptable foster children don’t fit the profile of the ideal child many couples want. They’re older (at least 20,000 “age out” of the system annually), of a minority background or have a serious enough illness to be labeled a special needs child.

Who will adopt these children?

Many times the answer has been gay men and lesbians. UCLA demographer Gary Gates analyzed 2000 Census figures and estimates 12,500 adopted children live in households headed by a gay adult.

In Franke’s published letter he called Lofton and Croteau “my dads” or “my parents” a dozen times. He wants to be adopted into the only family he’s ever known. You’d think the members of a political party that espouses “traditional family values” could understand that.

Yet his plea fell on deaf Republican ears, because this election year they are more than willing to turn kids like Franke into political pawns in the culture war for the sake of votes and power.

BOTTOM LINE: Ignorance and prejudice are the real winners in this bill's defeat.

Copyright (c) 2006, South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Having read it for yourself, how do you feel about what our “compassionate conservatives” are doing? Are these the people you want in power? I can’t imagine a worse future, so maybe we can mount an offensive to get them out of office, before they succeed in legislating us out of existence.