August 2006 Archives

Of all the strangest issues surrounding HIV, I find none as perplexing as those who feel that HIV is somehow is a gift. Now my understanding of a gift, is something you give to another, to make that person feel extra special or to commemorate a birthday, anniversary or other significant date or just because you feel like it. Many people take great care in choosing that gift, to ensure its uniqueness or to fit it to the style of the recipient. A gift, by all accounts, is meant to make both the giver and receiver happy and I can’t even begin to fathom how HIV would do either of those things.

I often wonder if some people confuse getting HIV with receiving their “wake-up” call in life. We all know those people, who experience some cataclysmic event, only to become “reborn”. They begin to see many things in a different way, reprioritize their goals and some change their entire outlook on life. They latch onto that experience as a turning point, that oft times, not only redefines their life, but it affects real change within them. It can be a kind of cosmic “slap upside the head”, where fate gets your attention to present you with some new facts. We don’t always respond as hoped, but many people make very meaningful changes in their life, outlook and morals. And when you reconsider this experience, in light of these changes, it could appear that their respective “event” was indeed a gift.

Still, I remain confused, when I talk with someone about his or her infection and they claim it “was the best thing that ever happened to them.” You can’t really mean that, can you? Surely you are confusing your own internal potential, with some deadly virus and the two remain mutually exclusive. When you make concrete changes for the better, you might do it because you are now positive, but not because the HIV somehow changed who you are.

HIV possesses no special abilities, other than to ravage your health and given the chance, it will kill you. It does not make you a better person, no wiser, no more compassionate or intelligent. And it’s not so much that the HIV even affects your qualities, because what you are or capable of being, is already contained within you. So again, it appears that HIV may not be seen, so much as a gift but as a catalyst.

I imagine we all know people, who after they became positive, their aura changed. But that change came from within, even if spurred externally, because we already possess all the tools for change, that we need, we just need to become more adept at wielding them.

When I first tested positive, in 85, my world came to a crashing halt. I’ll skip the details, but the change in my perspective was immediate and undeniable. Where I was once very occupied with climbing that social/corporate ladder, with all of its trappings, life became very simplified. For someone who was usually pushing the envelope and rather self-centered, I became someone much more in tune with my surroundings.

No longer was the slow cashier “stupid or slow”, because now I thought: “What if something horrible has happened in their life and they are still recovering? And what’s your big hurry?” I began to understand the impact of a catastrophe and I suppose you could say that during my first year, my compassion for others rose immensely. I started to realize the difference between accepting and affecting change and gained a new perspective on how precious life can be.

But in my case, what really happened with my becoming positive was my world imploded. I was forced out of the closet, in more ways than one and for the first time in my life, I had to stand against a rather hostile world. Yet, respond I did. I slowly picked up my pieces and reassembled a life and moved forward. Now that I was free from the lies of my past, I was free to become what I could, because I already possessed my capabilities. I was able to apply so many skills and I really started to enjoy the new person that I had become. Funny thing, being an ex-liar (Catholic, tried marriage, etc.), is how I now appreciate honesty and trust as the two most important human bonds. So I rebuilt my life based on those and I have never regretted it.

My point is that you already contain all that you can be, if only you decide to use those qualities.

HIV did not make me an advocate, a writer, nor did it ever pay my bills, make me laugh or hold me on a lonely night. By no stretch of the imagination can HIV be viewed as any type of a gift.

However, the wake up call that came with my HIV infection has proven to be the greatest gift, I ever unwittingly gave to myself.