What if?

Sometimes fate can present issues that challenge us to our core. When a confluence of events occurs and the result falls somewhere between scared shitless to insanity. It would appear that my stars have crossed because I am teetering on the brink of insanity and scared shitless.

Stephen has suffered from problems in his legs and especially his feet that has generally been diagnosed as peripheral neuropathy and has been treated as such usually through medication. He has been through it all and while many of the treatments offer temporary relief, he has yet to find any true respite from this pain. So a few months ago he started the search to get some answers about his PN issues and his worsening back pain.

I will not bore you with the specifics of the search, as only the result is important and that result includes his having surgery to fuse 2 or more disks in his lower back. I know he needs it, I believe it will help him and I respect and support his decision to have this surgery and I am scared shitless. I know the odds which are very good, but there always remains that unknown variable.

Logically I understand what will be done and why and the expected outcome. But what if…? Nothing is guaranteed in life and the thought haunts me that something may go wrong with his surgery. Maybe he will die on the operating table, or become paralyzed or have his condition actually worsened. Like I said, I am scared shitless.

So we have been doing all the prep work as his surgery is on Oct. 4. He is getting measured for a custom back brace and the commode and walker people called today to coordinate his care. I know he is in good hands, mine, but what if…? I mention it to him and he consoles me but I can see the fear in his eyes, he knows what might happen, but the prospect of relief is just too great of a carrot for him and at some level I know he will be fine.

Then my daughter called today and my journey to insanity was accelerated by light years. It seems that Kate shares a particular gene that has also affected both an aunt and uncle of hers. She has a mole on her back and the biopsy came back indicating Melanoma, stage T3 (out of four), or benign, depending up which lab results you use. After the initial results were split, other samples were sent to both Harvard and some other famous lab that I cannot remember and again the results are split.

Her specialist has decided to err on the side of caution and she will be having some long-ass named procedure in another week or two. Essentially they will remove the mole and biopsy it and then using radioactive dye they trace the lymph nodes that the mole is connected with and remove the pair. They will biopsy them and if benign, she’s in the clear, one for the medical journals and follow up for a couple of years.

The moles in both her aunt and uncle turned out to be benign.

On the other hand, if it is melanoma, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

The two most important people in my life are going to have surgery and I have no control as to the outcomes. Logic keeps me focused while my emotions are screaming toward that edge of insanity. Unlike most of my Blog, this one is just raw emotion. I needed to get this out for me and no one else. While I realize they will both read this, I just cannot burden them right now, with my impending insanity. I will get through this because they will need me and they represent the world to me.

In my heart I believe they will both be fine. But what if…?