How Much Are You Willing To Pay?

As a Long-Term Survivor living with HIV, I often get asked what the secret is to living with HIV. Of course there is no one answer, but there are options and which ones you use, can have a marked effect on how you live with HIV. No matter how we look at HIV there is no denying the catastrophic upheaval that becoming infected entails. Let us just accept that as a given and as long as you realize that it is not a race through HIV, the sooner you can slow down and target the areas that have the most potential for affecting positive change in your life.

For me, one of those areas involves deciding on just how much you are willing to give to your HIV infection, because until you really take a hard look, you will not know just how much you are already sacrificing. Once you slow down, you will be amazed at how much energy you expend in dealing with day-to-day living, add to that dealing with your infection and you can be on verge of mental meltdown. If you think you can ignore major issues and not pay a price for that, you are sadly mistaken. Stress can and does kill and its effect on pozzies health is well known.

Same thing with physical ailments or mental health issues, as you cannot ignore major issues, without paying a price and often that price is much too dear. Life with HIV is not for the timid and the sooner you accept that, the more you can affect change. I encourage you to look at the little stuff first and find ways to just lower that stress level.

If your numbers are good and you feel fine, then accept that as your reality and stop worrying about the sky falling on you. Worrying about your labs will do nothing, except for lowing your next set, because of your stress level. Thinking that every ache or pain is the precursor to your demise will just drive you insane, even though I see so many people doing just that, daily. Not every thought that goes through your brain reflects reality, so become adept at evaluating what you think and feel and above all, pay attention.

To put this all into some perspective, let me share a brief history of my health, I was infected in 85 and lasted about 10 years until I bottomed out with 4 CD4s (yes I named them) and a Viral Load off the charts in 95. I realized that if I wanted to survive, then I had to change how I was dealing with both my health and dealing with my HIV infection. Acceptance played a very big part in my changing my perspective and that change has left me healthier now than at any other time in my life. At 23 years poz, I am undetectable, 725 CD4s with a 28% ratio.

My hope in sharing this is very simple because I don’t want you to wait for ten years to change your life for the better, nor can you afford to wait. At some point you will become angry enough at how much you have paid for your HIV infection and at that point, you are ready for dramatic change. Slow down, take it slow and pay attention. You know yourself best, so become your own best friend.

Forgive yourself for whatever role you played in becoming poz and accept that HIV infection, with all the implications, will always be a part of you life. Accept that you have limits and expend your energy doing things that will help you or others. Believe that you can and will regain your “old” life because you remain the same person; you contracted a virus, not a split personality.

I often wonder why these adjustments are so difficult for many people, but all I need do is to remember our diversity. We must be here for each other, as we remain a minority that it is still OK to discriminate against and often each other are all that we really have. My simple desire is that by sharing my experiences, even if it helps only one person, is time very well spent.

All you need to do is look at the facts. This is your life and barring great adversity, you are not going to die from HIV anytime soon, so drop the memorial and come back to the land of the living. What works for me is to ask myself two basic questions about my thoughts and feelings, which forces me to slow down and really “think” about what I am feeling.

The first is: “Is it true?” If you slow down and really examine many of your thoughts, you will discover that they are not true. If you work at this, you can become very perceptive and you will notice patterns in how you think about certain issues. The second question is: “What is the worst that can happen?” Generally the answer is anything but catastrophic and there is something very cathartic about dispelling unfounded fears by replacing the unknown with reality.

I told you there were many ways to approach dealing with HIV and my suggestions are here for you to do with, as you will. In the end, no matter what anyone tells you, only you can determine your own fate and only you can decide on just how much you are willing to pay to your HIV infection..

Uncounted deaths from HIV, unknown millions infected, limited global treatment access and no known cure.

I submit that we have already paid a price that is far too dear.