Subscribe to this blog's feedTo say the past few years have been a nightmare would be under-statement to the nth degree. We live in south Florida and over the past three years, the following has happened.
Seven hurricanes in two years, with four hitting us: Irene, who almost flooded us all out to Wilma: that just devastated our home and us. We lost half of our yard and our fence, but the house remained unscathed thankfully. We spent five months cleaning up our home, but we pressed on.
In the wake of two horrible hurricane seasons, the prices for insurance skyrocketed. We have three policies: Homeowners, Flood and Wind and the combined price for those rose to $6,400 per year, from $3,300 the previous year.
At the same time, our city, who claims to be always needing money, increased fees and services that total about $200 per month. Prices also increased for electric, gas, car insurance and food and the budget was getting thin.
The final nail in the coffin came with the introduction of Medicare Part D (prescription drugs) in 2005. I was not affected too much as I receive my drugs through the Ryan White program. Stephen, however, was not so lucky. Even with his government insurance, they changed the co-pays to reflect the Medicare co-pays and as a result, his co-pays in 2004 were about $1,200 per year: in 2005, his co-pays were $4,600 for the year. 2006 was worse and 2007 is not looking any better.
Then there were the co-pays for our surgeries in 2006, which totaled about $4,800, with most of it being mine, because I cannot afford a supplemental Medicare policy, so I must pay 20% co-payment on all medical costs.
We also have a 5-year fixed ARM mortgage, which just entered its ARM period and our payments have almost doubled, all due to a severe increase in the mortgage rate. We thought it would be a good mortgage because we expected to sell the house before then, but the housing market in Florida is in the basement and you almost cannot give a house away.
But give away our house is just what we had to do and a house that was worth $458,000 in 2005 is worth $315,000 today and so we are walking away from our home with absolutely no money to find new a new home. Add to that, that we both live on fixed incomes that increase at most, 2-3% each year. Hardly enough to keep up with all the increased costs and at some point we had to say “enough, we just can not do this anymore”.
When you combine all of the above, you can see that we have been in the center of a “perfect financial storm”, the kind where every cost goes up immediately, but your income can no longer meet your financial obligations.
After exploring our options, we decided to just “start over” and the most extreme way of doing that is by declaring Bankruptcy, Chapter 7, which wipes out virtually all of your debts. It will trash our credit history for 10 years, but we have no other option, as our lenders are reluctant to restructure our loans and the other costs are out of our control.
The effect this has had on us has been incredibly devastating on us both, but I can only share my experience. My hardest issue is the fact that because of how I was raised, I can only see myself as a failure, as defined by my father. He was a good man, very hard working and created a career for him self with only a high school diploma. He lived through the Great Depression and while I can understand how that might shape your being, his views on right and wrong were inviolate and I now believe, some of them were just plain wrong.
I am an only child, orphaned at five and adopted by my parents when I was six years old. While they provided a very loving and somewhat stable life, my father was always looking to me, to exceed his own accomplishments. Sadly, his pursuit of that dream was very damaging in that his praise was very rare. If I had a report card with mostly As, but had a B, he would comment on how I could do better to get all As. He always seemed disappointed in me. In addition, he would reconfirm those feelings, whenever I turned to others for help; as if that somehow constituted a “weakness” on my part.
When I lost my job, due to a corporate restructuring, he thought I was weak for accepting unemployment insurance, as if it was some handout and not a program that I had paid into for just such an instance. Same with any therapy I sought as seeing a mental health professional simply meant that you were “crazy”. In addition, when I finally came out as being gay, well he never got over that one and then when I became infected I became his queer son who took it up the ass (his words not mine) and he made his disapproval known in far too many ways.
Our final breaking point came when he married my mom’s (departed) best friend (widowed) and we were all so happy that they had found love again in their old age. I was the best man in the wedding and my partner Mark attended, but he was not invited to the reception, because that was strictly a “family affair”. It created horrible tension between us, but Mark, being the wonderful man that he is, was very gracious and so he attended the ceremony and then went home.
Imagine my surprise when I get the reception and find that while my partner of four years; the man who gave the eulogy at my mother’s funeral, was unwelcome, the 16-year-old date of one of the bride’s grand-children was fine. I have never been able to reconcile that moment in my mind, nor in my heart. I had Kate, who was three at the time, with me and simply instructed my father that I could leave her to enjoy the reception and pick her up later, or we could leave now, as I had no intention of staying in a place where I am considered to be unequal, especially by my own father.
Though I tried, he could never understand what he had done that was so wrong and that sadly was the end of our relationship. So why do I care what he might think now? Part of it is surely separation anxiety, which I have suffered since childhood and why not, when your natural parents suddenly disappear and you are too young to understand why. Couple that with the years of withheld approval from him and it gets hard to remain close. He also was not one for expressing his feelings, as he rarely ever told me that he loved me and after I came out, it stopped entirely.
I suppose that the real issue for me is that I have to accept that he was my father and he was what he was: the good, the bad and the ugly. I reject his narrow view of the world and how success must be define as either black or white, but never grey. I accept the fact that while he provided a good home physically, his decades of alcohol abuse, left scars that may remain forever. Yet, I know in my heart, that he loved me in the best way that he knew how and in the end, I believe that is what truly matters.
This acceptance has freed me to see these past few years as the reality they are. Rather than seeing myself as a failure, I see myself as the one who defines my destiny and I do not need the approval of anyone. I have made every attempt to meet my financial obligations, but sometimes the deck is stacked against you. I do not make the decision to file bankruptcy lightly, but I see no other option to remove this financial yoke from my shoulders. I need this freedom to start anew and build a sustainable life that will see us into our old age. I do this as much for me as I do for Stephen, as we both deserve a reasonable quality of life, not one of bill collectors seeking money that we do not have.
So build a new life we have and we will be moving to Montreal in December. We just returned from renting a wonderful house with a small backyard. It is minutes from the metro and the gay village and will be perfect for our needs. The rent is cheap, it has just been remodeled (and very nicely) and the property owners prayers for leasing it, was for a gay couple who would maintain the property. How refreshing to be actually wanted and they were so gracious and genuine people and we have a ten-year lease.
While we were in Montreal, we got all types of paperwork started from getting my Social Insurance Number, a bank account, to sponsorship paperwork for my hubby to become a Canadian citizen as well. The warm reception we received from the government agencies was in stark contrast to the US. They actually wanted to help and if they did not know an answer, they would find one for you.
It will be with mixed reactions that I will cross the border into Canada, but I know that is where my future lies. I have shed the remnants of my life here and even though I face bankruptcy and foreclosure, I have never felt better. For once in my life, I am steering my own ship to a place that I chose and I have promised myself that I will never seek the approval of others, because sometimes you can never get what you need, no matter how hard you might try.
My head is in a spin and I have a million things to do, yet through all of this, I no longer feel like a failure and I long to return to advocacy, because I know what I do does make a difference. These past years have been some of the hardest of my life and I would never have made it without Stephen, a man who supports me and is every thing that I need and continues to amaze me with his strength and love. We are madly in love both physically and mentally and so I feel that as long as we are together, we can do anything.
I may have started as a failure, with my life recently reduced to ashes, still from those ashes, I am rising again and like the Phoenix I am now ready to soar.
