http://blogs.poz.com/joe/ (a.k.a. "Killfoile" in our Community Forums) en Copyright 2008 Sat, 08 Dec 2007 12:21:36 -0500 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss I wanted to post this in the forums, but I thought it might just be a little too touchy of a subject for some of the newer members, so instead, I will share my thoughts here and if someone wants to post about it, I would really love to hear your thoughts as well. In addition, for the sake of discussion, I am going to use the word god to represent any deity and I would ask that you substitute the proper phrase for your particular religion or faith, if any, hoping that my words may give you pause. My thoughts really boil down to one main question: Do you believe that HIV is a punishment from God? I started thinking about this after Ann made a comment that if we could prove HIV was from a man made mistake, say a failed vaccine, it would shut those up who proclaim that HIV is a punishment from God and that really perplexes me. Now, I have been poz for 24 years and this idea of HIV as a punishment from a God has remained constant, yet, I cannot see any logic or faith contained in the premise that God will punish you with HIV. I am the first to admit that I am not a religious man, because I believe that the surest way to destroy any faith is to make a religion out of it, however that issue is for another time, but I had to tell you of my bias. Anyway, my argument is simple: I cannot believe that any entity capable of forming the universe in which we live, what we call reality, would posses such pettiness as to individually, smite what must amount to at least billions, if not trillions of races scattered across our universe. Think about it. This entity can obviously do anything, like making matter out of nothing. We know that our universe started with a Bing Bang, so other than God, it would seem that nobody else existed. We are talking about someone who could stand on the surface of the sun or extinguish it with but a thought. We know that our universe operates under various inviolate laws of science and if you really think about the complexity of our reality, you would need to be extraordinary brilliant or even, a god, to structure it all and have it actually work. My point being that for me, if God does exist, they would certainly be omnipotent and as such, certainly have better things to do than individually infecting people with HIV. Given this omnipotence, I cannot fathom God actually identifying and condemning any entity to certain death, for any reason. I cannot accept that such a being would have so little regard for what they created or that they would have the time or even be interested in such long-term torture. What would you do if you were omnipotent? Would you spend your time squishing ants under your foot, or might you be off creating new universes? I imagine that God would rather observe what they had put into motion, rather than petty torture. I can even accept that God may influence how we conduct ourselves and how we treat others, but I do not believe that you develop such abilities through two stone tablets like the Ten Commandments. Rather, I believe we all have what I call a “moral compass”, you know the place, the one that really tells you the reasonableness of your actions, even if you choose to override the feeling. If God exists, would it not seem more realistic that they set such a “moral compass” within our genes and our intellect? As God, if you want to be assured that your creations adhere to your rules; it would seem that hard wiring it into us, would surely beat the system we have now within some religions. As God, if you took all the time and energy to create this vast universe, with its incomprehensible complexities and possible trillions upon trillions of worlds or races, I just cannot accept that a true god would do such a thing as infecting anyone with anything. The message of God striking you down with HIV would indicate a god with the utmost contempt for their creations. As God, surely, you are not thinking, “I will create beings, only to destroy some, and insist they treat each other properly and follow my rules, but even if they do, occasionally I feel the need to infect someone with HIV”. Does it make sense for a god to preach about loving each other, only to directly undermine those efforts, by just killing people off with HIV (or any disease or calamity for that matter)?” On the other hand, does the real answer lie somewhere between our reality and God? You cannot deny the reality in which we live and you have some concept as to its grandeur and does it not make more sense that HIV (whether manufactured or not) is just another disease out of thousands that have plagued humans from the beginning of our existence? Does it make sense to view HIV as a punishment for bad behavior? If so, how do you explain infants who are born with HIV? Alternatively, those infected through an infusion or from a needle-stick. I just cannot see any connection at all. HIV is much too random in infecting people to be effective in thinning the heard, if you will, or to insure compliance with any god’s rules. If God wanted to punish humanity, they would use something like the Bubonic plague, which wiped out almost two-thirds of Europe. It also makes absolutely no sense, even from a god’s perspective. If you are the God that created humankind, you did so by providing all that we need to live and thrive by creating the planet Earth. This planet is capable of supporting billions of life forms, almost everything humanity could need is already here, and our increasing intelligence allows us to make new discoveries almost daily. I would think that if a god created humanity, they would do so by laying the foundations, physically, intellectually and even morally so they could keep gods’ law, rather than laying some intricate trap for unrelated people to contract the same disease. I spoke earlier of a “moral compass” and everyone has one. The most difficult aspect of this compass is when it forms in an unhealthy environment. If you grow up in a country that promotes intolerance and hatred for others, it can become almost impossible to see the questionable aspects of some of your beliefs, because that is all that you have known and for many it is all that they can believe because they have never been introduced to any alternate belief systems. Finally, even if we could determine that a particular faith may lay the best foundation, we know that the world religions share vastly different views on many subjects, so who is to say which, if any, represents the best foundation for a moral compass? All of this leads me to conclude that any god worthy of worship would be one that would love and cherish all that they had created. I refuse to accept that a supreme deity would be shooting “craps” with the universe or reigning down disease on humanity, simply because it makes no sense. Moreover, if something does not make any sense, then generally it is untrue. Please understand I am not condemning or even commenting on any religion or belief system, just sharing my views. As for me, I am an Agnostic and you will have to look it up. If I were to worship a god it would be one who still marveled at their creations and continued to watch over them, even if indirectly. A god that loves equally and without reservation, someone who watches us use the moral compass we each possess I appreciate your reading and I wonder: “What might your God believe?” http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/12/what_might_your.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/12/what_might_your.html Sat, 08 Dec 2007 12:21:36 -0500 To say the past few years have been a nightmare would be under-statement to the nth degree. We live in south Florida and over the past three years, the following has happened. Seven hurricanes in two years, with four hitting us: Irene, who almost flooded us all out to Wilma: that just devastated our home and us. We lost half of our yard and our fence, but the house remained unscathed thankfully. We spent five months cleaning up our home, but we pressed on. In the wake of two horrible hurricane seasons, the prices for insurance skyrocketed. We have three policies: Homeowners, Flood and Wind and the combined price for those rose to $6,400 per year, from $3,300 the previous year. At the same time, our city, who claims to be always needing money, increased fees and services that total about $200 per month. Prices also increased for electric, gas, car insurance and food and the budget was getting thin. The final nail in the coffin came with the introduction of Medicare Part D (prescription drugs) in 2005. I was not affected too much as I receive my drugs through the Ryan White program. Stephen, however, was not so lucky. Even with his government insurance, they changed the co-pays to reflect the Medicare co-pays and as a result, his co-pays in 2004 were about $1,200 per year: in 2005, his co-pays were $4,600 for the year. 2006 was worse and 2007 is not looking any better. Then there were the co-pays for our surgeries in 2006, which totaled about $4,800, with most of it being mine, because I cannot afford a supplemental Medicare policy, so I must pay 20% co-payment on all medical costs. We also have a 5-year fixed ARM mortgage, which just entered its ARM period and our payments have almost doubled, all due to a severe increase in the mortgage rate. We thought it would be a good mortgage because we expected to sell the house before then, but the housing market in Florida is in the basement and you almost cannot give a house away. But give away our house is just what we had to do and a house that was worth $458,000 in 2005 is worth $315,000 today and so we are walking away from our home with absolutely no money to find new a new home. Add to that, that we both live on fixed incomes that increase at most, 2-3% each year. Hardly enough to keep up with all the increased costs and at some point we had to say “enough, we just can not do this anymore”. When you combine all of the above, you can see that we have been in the center of a “perfect financial storm”, the kind where every cost goes up immediately, but your income can no longer meet your financial obligations. After exploring our options, we decided to just “start over” and the most extreme way of doing that is by declaring Bankruptcy, Chapter 7, which wipes out virtually all of your debts. It will trash our credit history for 10 years, but we have no other option, as our lenders are reluctant to restructure our loans and the other costs are out of our control. The effect this has had on us has been incredibly devastating on us both, but I can only share my experience. My hardest issue is the fact that because of how I was raised, I can only see myself as a failure, as defined by my father. He was a good man, very hard working and created a career for him self with only a high school diploma. He lived through the Great Depression and while I can understand how that might shape your being, his views on right and wrong were inviolate and I now believe, some of them were just plain wrong. I am an only child, orphaned at five and adopted by my parents when I was six years old. While they provided a very loving and somewhat stable life, my father was always looking to me, to exceed his own accomplishments. Sadly, his pursuit of that dream was very damaging in that his praise was very rare. If I had a report card with mostly As, but had a B, he would comment on how I could do better to get all As. He always seemed disappointed in me. In addition, he would reconfirm those feelings, whenever I turned to others for help; as if that somehow constituted a “weakness” on my part. When I lost my job, due to a corporate restructuring, he thought I was weak for accepting unemployment insurance, as if it was some handout and not a program that I had paid into for just such an instance. Same with any therapy I sought as seeing a mental health professional simply meant that you were “crazy”. In addition, when I finally came out as being gay, well he never got over that one and then when I became infected I became his queer son who took it up the ass (his words not mine) and he made his disapproval known in far too many ways. Our final breaking point came when he married my mom’s (departed) best friend (widowed) and we were all so happy that they had found love again in their old age. I was the best man in the wedding and my partner Mark attended, but he was not invited to the reception, because that was strictly a “family affair”. It created horrible tension between us, but Mark, being the wonderful man that he is, was very gracious and so he attended the ceremony and then went home. Imagine my surprise when I get the reception and find that while my partner of four years; the man who gave the eulogy at my mother’s funeral, was unwelcome, the 16-year-old date of one of the bride’s grand-children was fine. I have never been able to reconcile that moment in my mind, nor in my heart. I had Kate, who was three at the time, with me and simply instructed my father that I could leave her to enjoy the reception and pick her up later, or we could leave now, as I had no intention of staying in a place where I am considered to be unequal, especially by my own father. Though I tried, he could never understand what he had done that was so wrong and that sadly was the end of our relationship. So why do I care what he might think now? Part of it is surely separation anxiety, which I have suffered since childhood and why not, when your natural parents suddenly disappear and you are too young to understand why. Couple that with the years of withheld approval from him and it gets hard to remain close. He also was not one for expressing his feelings, as he rarely ever told me that he loved me and after I came out, it stopped entirely. I suppose that the real issue for me is that I have to accept that he was my father and he was what he was: the good, the bad and the ugly. I reject his narrow view of the world and how success must be define as either black or white, but never grey. I accept the fact that while he provided a good home physically, his decades of alcohol abuse, left scars that may remain forever. Yet, I know in my heart, that he loved me in the best way that he knew how and in the end, I believe that is what truly matters. This acceptance has freed me to see these past few years as the reality they are. Rather than seeing myself as a failure, I see myself as the one who defines my destiny and I do not need the approval of anyone. I have made every attempt to meet my financial obligations, but sometimes the deck is stacked against you. I do not make the decision to file bankruptcy lightly, but I see no other option to remove this financial yoke from my shoulders. I need this freedom to start anew and build a sustainable life that will see us into our old age. I do this as much for me as I do for Stephen, as we both deserve a reasonable quality of life, not one of bill collectors seeking money that we do not have. So build a new life we have and we will be moving to Montreal in December. We just returned from renting a wonderful house with a small backyard. It is minutes from the metro and the gay village and will be perfect for our needs. The rent is cheap, it has just been remodeled (and very nicely) and the property owners prayers for leasing it, was for a gay couple who would maintain the property. How refreshing to be actually wanted and they were so gracious and genuine people and we have a ten-year lease. While we were in Montreal, we got all types of paperwork started from getting my Social Insurance Number, a bank account, to sponsorship paperwork for my hubby to become a Canadian citizen as well. The warm reception we received from the government agencies was in stark contrast to the US. They actually wanted to help and if they did not know an answer, they would find one for you. It will be with mixed reactions that I will cross the border into Canada, but I know that is where my future lies. I have shed the remnants of my life here and even though I face bankruptcy and foreclosure, I have never felt better. For once in my life, I am steering my own ship to a place that I chose and I have promised myself that I will never seek the approval of others, because sometimes you can never get what you need, no matter how hard you might try. My head is in a spin and I have a million things to do, yet through all of this, I no longer feel like a failure and I long to return to advocacy, because I know what I do does make a difference. These past years have been some of the hardest of my life and I would never have made it without Stephen, a man who supports me and is every thing that I need and continues to amaze me with his strength and love. We are madly in love both physically and mentally and so I feel that as long as we are together, we can do anything. I may have started as a failure, with my life recently reduced to ashes, still from those ashes, I am rising again and like the Phoenix I am now ready to soar. http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/11/from_failure_to.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/11/from_failure_to.html Thu, 29 Nov 2007 23:18:13 -0500 Sorry, for the dearth of posts in the last few months, but you know how it can be. I wanted to share the following with everyone, especially those people who do not believe that homophobia and hatred for gay and HIV people continues to fester, even in places you would deem most unlikely. I live in Broward County, Florida and between Broward, Palm Beach and Miami/Dade counties; we share two of the largest gay and poz populations in the nation. The following is a letter to the editor I wrote after recent comments made by the mayor of Fort Lauderdale concerning local affairs and his personal beliefs. If this can happen here, with such a diverse community, do not doubt that much worse happens far from the public eye. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Propagating the Hate I cannot endure another minute of Mayor Naugle’s homophobic remarks, without commenting, as he obviously, needs help in understanding the difference between personal opinion and official public comments. He began with his remarks about an automatic toilet on Fort Lauderdale beach to curb rampant gay sex in public restrooms. Ignoring the fact that there is no rampant sex, of any kind, going on in Fort Lauderdale public restrooms, he still felt it necessary to gay bait the entire issue, based solely on his homophobic beliefs and hatred for homosexuals. If he presented the issue as one of preventing ANY public sex in restrooms, nobody would have objected because most gays are reasonable people who share the belief that public restrooms are not the appropriate place for sexual activity. Instead, he made it a gay issue by lying and saying gay public sex was rampant. He did not seek to address any real issue, say unwanted public sex; rather he stated his personal beliefs on how repugnant homosexuality is and attempted to create another “negative gay issue” where none existed. He next targeted the Stonewall Library & Archives. His absurd argument that they should not use public buildings because their collection includes material that he labels as pornography, material that he has never viewed, but has labeled as pornography nonetheless. If his comments were to gain assurance that minors would not have access to any of the library’s adult-oriented material, again, he would have found that is already Stonewalls policy. Instead, he chose to label the material as pornographic as a way of demeaning the function of the Library as a curator of gay history and culture. Once again, he allowed his homophobic beliefs to override his responsibility as mayor. Then he stepped into the AIDS crisis. He spouted data, every one of them incorrect, because his comments had little to do reducing HIV infections; instead he seeks to inflame the community against the gay segment as perpetuating the HIV infection rates in Broward County. If he had consulted legitimate sources, he would have found that the greatest HIV infection rates are amongst women and those under 25. Exactly how is the gay community contributing to rising HIV infection rates, when our rates overall have been declining? He does not seek to empower anyone to fight HIV infection rates; he just fuels this decades-old notion that HIV and AIDS are the fault of gays and now he has extended his hatred to HIV-positive individuals by associating our shared disease with that “awful” gay community. That same old tired mantra of gay + sex = sin/AIDS. Further, I never expected he would stoop so low as to enlist the efforts of Rev. O’Neal Dozier; surely, he cannot be serious? He wants the support of a man who just spoke at a recent commission meeting and stated that he speaks for God regarding homosexuals, and that our very existence is an abomination and makes God want to vomit?. Mr. Naugle is mixing his personal beliefs with his official position as the mayor of Fort Lauderdale and the two are incompatible, at least for him, because he cannot set aside his utter hatred of homosexuals. I believe that people like Mr. Naugle, and now Rev. Dozier constitute the greatest threat to humanity because they believe that they are better than others are, can stand in judgment of them and that espousing bigotry and hatred is a normal function of a public official and human being. They encourage hatred through their words, thoughts, actions, and people like them are omnipresent and foment hatred across the globe. Mr. Naugle and Rev. Dozier are no different from the Nazis, Taliban or the KKK as they all expound the idea that it is acceptable to propagate hatred toward any group, with which you disagree, or deem to be unworthy of existence. Hated must be taught and these men are propagating hatred by encouraging a generation to despise gay and HIV-positive people because they believe them to be an abomination and therefore deserving of that hatred. I cannot imagine what god they worship because my god loves all creations and understands that diversity is intentional as it enhances our lives and harmony can exist, but only in the absence of people like them. Saddest of all, is that Mr. Naugle’s ranting would have received little attention, but he is mayor of a city with a large gay and HIV-positive community. Fortunately, time has a way of dealing with bigots, at least political ones, such as Mr. Naugle; he will be gone next year and we will have one less homophobic bully pulpit to endure. http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/09/propagating_the.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/09/propagating_the.html Fri, 07 Sep 2007 13:12:01 -0500 One dear cost of indifference: is that too many people stood by as crack devastated parts of the black community and again we simply look askance at the devastation of Tina on the middle-class gay community. While it is ultimately your sole right to self-destruct, when you insist on taking others with you, is that not that the time for the rest of us to act? How fine is the line between enabling and condemning? How many more must we lose, before we ever learn? One absolute about HIV prevention, is that it will never work until people care enough about their own health to protect themselves. We will never be able to scare or shame you enough, not by criminalizing or even plain logic to get you to protect your health, if you do not think you are worth protecting. The sooner we address this issue and help to change how people view themselves, the sooner we will begin to see an impact on the HIV infection rates. One of the reasons that there are not enough positive gay role models is that so many of them died of AIDS. Thousands upon thousands of men, from every walk of life, who would now be reaching from there 50s to the 80s, are simply gone. Many have been gone for decades and the void they left will continue to be felt for a few decades more. How different might the gay community and even society as a whole be, if not for their loss? How many contributions would they have made as family, friends, lovers, artists, professionals, and mentors and as role models? We will never truly understand the magnitude of loss because of HIV. One of the real conundrums about gift-givers and bug-seekers is how do you get the seekers to feel welcome in some community other than the HIV community? Too many gay men have no sense of a community, gay or otherwise and then see the cohesive nature of the HIV community. Where I live, if you want a good active social life, you are much better off going with the positive crowd. Same with having a sense of community because if there is anything that positive people excel at, it is providing support. So how can we be surprised at some gay men, who are so marginalized by society and even their own family, to seek the one community which not only will welcome them with open arms, but one where they can afford the membership fee. One of the most frustrating aspects of political correctness is that somehow too many people have been convinced that they have a right to never be offended again. Rather than experiencing the world and choosing their own way, they insist we camouflage all the perceived ugliness in life, behind convoluted words that are really nothing more than semantic gymnastics. Instead of simply speaking and acknowledging our challenges or differences, we must rename the elephant in the room. I am waiting to be reclassified, from disabled, to employment-challenged. Now how exactly does that change my lot in life, or my perception of myself? Not one bit and supposedly I am one of the ones, they are trying to protect. If I do not mind the use of the term disabled, in relation to myself, so why should you? How dare you decide to trample my perceptions, just to make yourself feel better? Maybe if you were not so intolerant, you would find most of the world to be rather enjoyable, along with her citizens. How do you ever see the beauty around you, when you are so busy looking for the ugliness? And who made you the arbitrator of what is acceptable in polite society? One of my greatest fears is the alarming increase in the use of religion to mask utter intolerance for non-believers. Granted, it is a centuries old problem, but today, when it is connected with being politically correct, we seem to loose the ability to be objective. Many religious leaders are trying to deflect criticism, against their hateful teachings, by claiming intolerance for their beliefs. While I am far from a religious scholar, I have enough basic understanding of many of the major religions, and few hold the tenets that are being espoused by some of the religious leaders of today. There are too many societies that bastardize religious doctrine to teach their citizens, utter intolerance and in some cases, absolute hatred, for others who do no share their beliefs. This trend continues at an alarming rate and is beginning to be felt in many, previously religious-neutral countries. Over the last few years, I have gained a great appreciation for our separation of church and state, regarding our federal government, because religious government rarely includes representative government and most become oppressive governments. I also fear that this separation will continue to diminish, because our current administration thinks their god knows better than any of the others and if you do not agree, then you are lacking in morals; their predetermined morals. That scares me even more than HIV. Just some food for thought. http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/04/more_random_tho.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/04/more_random_tho.html Fri, 27 Apr 2007 17:36:57 -0500 I am unsure of how this entry is going to unfold because I feel that my “Rounds” entry has laid some foundation and so I would like to build upon it. It is my hope that you will start to understand not only why the history of HIV matters, but more importantly, what will happen to HIV services in America, if we do not start repeating some of that history. The history to which I refer involves us once again standing up and demanding what we need to get this pandemic under control, because after 25 years of this plague, our government still flat funds HIV services, even as infection rates climb. But to really understand our future you need some perspective of our past. From the first discovery of HIV (called GRID) there has been a battle being waged that pits the needs of the HIV community against the forces of a free market. Federal funding for prevention began in 1985 and has continued to evolve into the Ryan White Care Act that today encompasses the majority of money for treatment, housing and services for pozzies in America. Most of the money for HIV research comes through the National Institutes of Health (NIH), which includes the CDC and believe it or not, the lions share of research dollars come from the pharmaceutical companies. For 25 years the HIV community has been forced to “chase the dollar” if you will and right now we are losing that race. Rather than having federal programs that truly reflect the needs of the local HIV community, we have a patchwork system where Washington guesses at who needs what, where and when. All of these systems have been designed during some very cold presidential terms. Reagan took five years to utter the word “AIDS” while letting us twist in the wind and actually groveling for the miserly federal funds that were available. George the first was no better with funding levels staying rather stagnant. Things got a little better in the Clinton years, but nothing to even begin to meet the needs of our community. I believe the lack of “unfettered” federal funding is the single most dangerous threat that we still face and I do not have a clue on how to change it. It is a cold hard fact that HIV funding is at the mercy of Congress and Republicans have proven to be very cold masters. When the first ASOs started we got money from whatever source we could and our clothes closets, food pantries and drug services existed on the donations of those who had passed on. What little we had we funneled into the areas or neighborhoods where we felt they would do the most good. Information sharing was started by organizations like Positively Aware, GMHC and even our own POZ magazine and their monthly missives were devoured and disseminated throughout the community, because we were so hunger for information. Remember, there was no Internet back in the early days. ASOs expanded as more money became available and by the early 90s there was major money to be made in treating the HIV community, whether through services, treatment and of course, drugs. Government funding would continue to increase, but was outstripped by both our existing needs and the skyrocketing infection rates. By the mid-90s, or the era of the Protease Inhibitors, it appeared that salvation was at hand (or at least a reprieve) but that salvation came with a horrible cost. The advent of PIs would save the lives of countless pozzies and in doing so, we almost broke the bank because the cost to develop those drugs included the cost of developing those that did not succeed and at some point, we needed to start paying our tab. So more money was added to pay for anti-HIV drugs, but more of those funds were being used to purchase drugs as drug prices were increasing in double-digit percentages. Unfortunately it seems that our free market system creates a paradox in regards to our drug industry. The cost of drug development is mainly borne by the drug industry and the cost of bringing a drug to market can exceed $500 million easy. However, the drugs that reach the market are only part of the equation, because you still have to pay the development costs for the drugs that die in the pipeline. Let us assume a company funds 10 new drugs over three years at a combined cost of $5 billion but only 3 of them come to market. Even if those three drugs made, say $750 million each over three years that is only $2.25 billion, so where do you think the other $2.75 billion will come from? We cannot deny the companies their development costs, because without them there would be no new drugs in the pipeline. All of this becomes even more skewed when you factor in the role that drug companies have played over the years. It is a fact that most drug manufacturers spend more on MARKETING AND ADVERTISING THAN DRUG RESEARCH. Yes you read that right, they spend billions each year plying doctors to prescribe their drugs and deluging the public with advertising that does nothing to promote responsible use of the medical system. Somehow we need to take the profit out of drug development, so that all the billions wasted on marketing and advertising can be used instead to lower the price of drugs. The drug industry maintains a monopoly on pharmaceuticals and the horror of that power was unleashed a few years ago when the price of Norvir was increased by 400%. The increase in that one drug alone caused serious complications in ADAPs across the nation, as Norvir is very popular (as a drug booster) and since so many people on ADAP us the drug, the ADAPs costs skyrocketed. The system is broken and we need to work at fixing it. As the scramble for HIV dollars increases, drug manufacturers are falling all over themselves bringing new classes and drugs to market, and who can blame them when the federal government and private insurance pay the lions share of drug costs. We still need to step back and ask again: At what cost? Sure we need options and I am not suggesting that new drugs are bad, my fear is on how we cover the cost. New drugs will force ADAPs to expand formularies that are already beyond the breaking point, because the funding for the ADAP program has actually decreased in the past six years. Still, the money must come from somewhere and so it does; it is shifted from other HIV treatments and services. Our ASOs have to decide on whether to medicate someone, assuming they can assure them transportation to manage their health. But we just cut the services portion of our Ryan White so while we can get you the medical and drug coverage you might need, you are on your own in obtaining the actual services. What do you propose that we tell those who need these services? Sorry, your life just costs too much, now be a good fellow and crawl off to die??? Well that is exactly what we are doing when we can only address a portion of the needs of our clients. You cannot stay alive with partial medical, physical and emotional care. Society’s indifference sends a very powerful message to many pozzies and the message is clear: we do not value you enough as human beings to insure you receive the basic services that you need to survive. I believe that to some extent, the HIV Community is responsible for the situation that we find ourselves in, because far too many poz people just do not care about the HIV Community. I read the comments in the press, on the forums and even hear it from other pozzies who have no desire to ensure that we keep these programs and services that we fought so hard to obtain. I cannot emphasis enough that a hard reality about government entitlement programs is that ONCE YOU LOOSE THEM IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO GET THEM BACK. You may have health insurance today, but what about next year or ten years from now? Be careful or your indifference could come back to haunt you. The agency or program that you do not care about today, may well be the one thing you need in the future and what will you do if it no longer exists? Level government funding of HIV services over the past six years, has remained flat and when compared with the increase in infection rates, we actually have less money to treat more people. We cannot continue and how many more deaths must we tolerate as people die from HIV infection because the money to treat them, is just not there. This is where all of you come in and I urge you to get involved in your local areas, because HIV treatment should be determined locally, but they will not know what we want and need if we do not tell them. HIV Planning Councils are begging for poz representatives as most of us long-termers are aging and we took our turn and now it is time for someone else to take theirs. You cannot fault a system for failing to serve its clients, if those clients will not provide input on their own needs. Planning Councils are there to solicit ideas from the HIV community and then tailor their services, where possible, to provide those treatments or services. So many of us, myself included, have benefited greatly from the work of the earliest activists, even when they initially achieved very little, because they had defined how to fight the war. They tried and if they failed, they re-evaluated their strategy and would try again realizing that only the HIV community could fight to ensure our access to the resources of the government. You would think that things have changed, but they have not. The new Medicare Part D (prescription drugs) was implemented with little regard for those with catastrophic drug costs and Stephens’ drug co-pays (with government insurance no less) went from $1,200 in 2005 to $5,500 in 2006. Based on his income, just his drug co-pays consumed 18% of his income last year and for people on a fixed income these co-pays are killing them. And unless you are in the AIDS Insurance Continuation Program (AICP) you are on your own covering your co-pays, because Ryan White has no money to pay them and federal law prohibits the ADAP program from paying any drug co-pays. For many of the newly infected, these issues seem unimportant when given the impact of just dealing with your HIV infection. Many of you are healthy and have private health insurance, unfortunately you cannot take any of that for granted and you need look no further than the forums to see dozens of people that have been both physically and financially devastated by their HIV infection. So many of these people live at the whim of government programs and when the money runs out… treatment stops… and people die. We are entering a new age of HIV in terms of what we know and how we treat the illness, all of which costs billions of dollars each year. As we advance, our costs are exploding and the time to plan for paying for that is now, not after some programs have been allowed to expire, because nobody spoke up in support of those programs. Whether you like it or not you are part of a community that has been forced to claw and scrape our way for every dollar we get and the sooner that you accept that fact, the sooner you can get up and do something about it. I am not asking you to do this for me, because I can take care of myself, but many of our community cannot and therefore we have a duty to advocate on their behalf. As we enter the 21st Century, we need to rethink HIV treatment and services before the beast decimates the world economy. There are tens of millions of people with HIV and that is not going to change for a very long time, so you have a choice to make. Do you want to be part of the problem or part of the solution? I can tell you why I do it, but what matters is finding that fire in yourself and believe me when I tell you that if you choose to get involved, you will never regret it. To me there is nothing sadder than just not caring about our community, as we occupy a very different niche with our HIV. Knowledge is power and unless the new AIDS Advocates step forward to resume the march, at some point our forward momentum will be lost. So please, AIDS Advocates: Come out, come out, wherever you are and join our ranks. Find a passion and pour yourself into it. None of us can do this alone and for millions, they need someone to advocate on their behalf, because if we do not do this for our own, then who will? http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/04/come_out_come_o.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/04/come_out_come_o.html Sat, 21 Apr 2007 16:00:21 -0500 As a Long-Term Survivor living with HIV, I often get asked what the secret is to living with HIV. Of course there is no one answer, but there are options and which ones you use, can have a marked effect on how you live with HIV. No matter how we look at HIV there is no denying the catastrophic upheaval that becoming infected entails. Let us just accept that as a given and as long as you realize that it is not a race through HIV, the sooner you can slow down and target the areas that have the most potential for affecting positive change in your life. For me, one of those areas involves deciding on just how much you are willing to give to your HIV infection, because until you really take a hard look, you will not know just how much you are already sacrificing. Once you slow down, you will be amazed at how much energy you expend in dealing with day-to-day living, add to that dealing with your infection and you can be on verge of mental meltdown. If you think you can ignore major issues and not pay a price for that, you are sadly mistaken. Stress can and does kill and its effect on pozzies health is well known. Same thing with physical ailments or mental health issues, as you cannot ignore major issues, without paying a price and often that price is much too dear. Life with HIV is not for the timid and the sooner you accept that, the more you can affect change. I encourage you to look at the little stuff first and find ways to just lower that stress level. If your numbers are good and you feel fine, then accept that as your reality and stop worrying about the sky falling on you. Worrying about your labs will do nothing, except for lowing your next set, because of your stress level. Thinking that every ache or pain is the precursor to your demise will just drive you insane, even though I see so many people doing just that, daily. Not every thought that goes through your brain reflects reality, so become adept at evaluating what you think and feel and above all, pay attention. To put this all into some perspective, let me share a brief history of my health, I was infected in 85 and lasted about 10 years until I bottomed out with 4 CD4s (yes I named them) and a Viral Load off the charts in 95. I realized that if I wanted to survive, then I had to change how I was dealing with both my health and dealing with my HIV infection. Acceptance played a very big part in my changing my perspective and that change has left me healthier now than at any other time in my life. At 23 years poz, I am undetectable, 725 CD4s with a 28% ratio. My hope in sharing this is very simple because I don’t want you to wait for ten years to change your life for the better, nor can you afford to wait. At some point you will become angry enough at how much you have paid for your HIV infection and at that point, you are ready for dramatic change. Slow down, take it slow and pay attention. You know yourself best, so become your own best friend. Forgive yourself for whatever role you played in becoming poz and accept that HIV infection, with all the implications, will always be a part of you life. Accept that you have limits and expend your energy doing things that will help you or others. Believe that you can and will regain your “old” life because you remain the same person; you contracted a virus, not a split personality. I often wonder why these adjustments are so difficult for many people, but all I need do is to remember our diversity. We must be here for each other, as we remain a minority that it is still OK to discriminate against and often each other are all that we really have. My simple desire is that by sharing my experiences, even if it helps only one person, is time very well spent. All you need to do is look at the facts. This is your life and barring great adversity, you are not going to die from HIV anytime soon, so drop the memorial and come back to the land of the living. What works for me is to ask myself two basic questions about my thoughts and feelings, which forces me to slow down and really “think” about what I am feeling. The first is: “Is it true?” If you slow down and really examine many of your thoughts, you will discover that they are not true. If you work at this, you can become very perceptive and you will notice patterns in how you think about certain issues. The second question is: “What is the worst that can happen?” Generally the answer is anything but catastrophic and there is something very cathartic about dispelling unfounded fears by replacing the unknown with reality. I told you there were many ways to approach dealing with HIV and my suggestions are here for you to do with, as you will. In the end, no matter what anyone tells you, only you can determine your own fate and only you can decide on just how much you are willing to pay to your HIV infection.. Uncounted deaths from HIV, unknown millions infected, limited global treatment access and no known cure. I submit that we have already paid a price that is far too dear. http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/04/how_much_are_yo.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/04/how_much_are_yo.html Thu, 12 Apr 2007 14:32:18 -0500 There are few things so powerful in life, as when someone is able to conceive of a story, that they word smith into a book worthy of publishing. I cannot imagine the drive and determination required, as well as the developing and refining of so many skills that you never realized you possessed. As I enjoy writing, I find the whole adventure of a book as something that I will probably never attempt, because I just do not have any story in me (I do not count my own) that I wish to develop into an actual book. So I remain in awe of anyone who can accomplish such a feat and I have been privileged to witness my “Mother-in-Law”, Dahris Clair, develop what originally started as a short story, and she took that idea and through her ambition, skill and determination, she has published her first book: “The House on Slocum Road.” Granted I witnessed the process from the outside, but Dahris and I are very alike in some ways, so I understand how proud she is that she finished her book and published it. While what I do is nowhere on the same scale, I understand the pride from sharing your views in a way that becomes worthy of other people reading it, because it elicits a reaction in them. To be able to take your readers by the hand and lead them through “your story” is very powerful indeed. There is little that compares to the rush that comes when you share parts of your life, with others, through your own words. Dahris developed her book over the past seven years or so and a couple of forum members even have copies. I am biased, so I will not tell you how great of a book that it is and you can read about it all at Amazom.com (how cool is that for your first book???). Yet as great as this feat has been, I want Dahris to know that her book, to me, is just another step in an incredible life, because sometimes our dreams can obscure the reality that surrounds us daily and sometimes we need to see ourselves through the eyes of another. Dahris has a very tender heart; some might even call her a “doormat” as she seems unable to utter the word “no” and gives far more than her share of help. But I understand her, because I am a “care-giver” just like she is and I know how difficult it can be at times to act in our own best interest. Dahris evolved from the “Greatest Generation” that formed much of the woman she remains today. If I had to reduce her to words it would be something like she exudes refined elegance, very genteel and proper, but also very worldly, open-minded and incredibly curious. She has so many interests and commitments and she is by far the most headstrong woman that I have ever encountered and sometimes she simply cares too much for her own good. We can learn much from Dahris, because like us, she lives with very real challenges in her life, yet she has never let her health deter from attaining her dreams. Her life is a testament to the power we each possess to face our own challenges and still be able to dictate how we generally live our lives. I also believe that she serves as a valuable reminder, to all generations, that you are never too old to follow your dreams, as dreams are what propel our future. She is presently considering writing her autobiography and with that comes introspection and knowing you Dahris, I am sure that you are once again measuring your life, against the same impossibly attainable goals that all parents use. To that end, allow me to leave you with some food for thought. Dahris, you never need question the legacy of your life, because you have already left your mark upon my life, one for which I will always be grateful, by giving me Stephen. Whatever doubts you hold about your life, never loose sight of the fact that you were instrumental in giving me Stephen: a love beyond measure. You were the foundation that anchored your family together and it was your influence that helped to make Stephen the exceptional man that he is today. You instilled in him a true sense of curiosity, commitment and respect and demanded from him, a very high caliber of character. Feats much easier described than attained by most. I have spoken before on how I believe that each of our lives represents a tapestry, with different threads that carry our traits and weave the life that we live. Each person in our life weaves their own thread through our living tapestry and in doing so they form additional bonds, some briefly, others forever. Dahris, you are the thread that weaves through our “family”, intersecting, influencing and continually weaving your “thread”, through the tapestry that we have become. Publishing your book is certainly a milestone and it represents another great accomplishment for you, one of many more to follow I suspect. Even so, as you ponder your life’s history, never forget that it is you, Dahris, who will always be the thread anchoring our family, and as such, you will always remain the thread that binds. I can think of no greater legacy. All my love… your “other” son. http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/04/an_author_in_th.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2007/04/an_author_in_th.html Wed, 11 Apr 2007 08:51:22 -0500 As we consider ways of broadening our HIV prevention strategy, we need to start thinking outside of the box and that includes expanding the number of health care workers, regardless of their background, but rather based on their place within the local society. I believe that too many of the industrialized nations just assume that you must have doctors/nurses to effectively administer any program that involves health care or prevention strategies and as such, that is how they plan and attempt to administer such programs. It is also why so many of these programs fail. Unfortunately the majority of the HIV infections are in non-industrialized countries that may lack a strong central government, limited financial resources and health care personnel and a minimal infrastructure to support all the needs of their society. It does us no good to structure prevention programs that cannot succeed in such an environment and so we must stop demanding what we think will work and strive to find out what will work. I did a little research and found that in many countries there are local people trained in the healing arts, and even though they lack any formal medical education, they are often the first ones that people seek for health issues. In some countries the doctor to population ratio can be rather low, say 10 doctors per 10,000 people. With that kind of ratio it is impossible to meet all the needs of those 10,000 people. However, within those same 10,000 people there also exist some type of healers that may number as high as 400 healers per 10,000 people. Couple the two together and you have the backbone on which you can build some prevention strategies, because the strategies that will work are not ones that readily come to mind, so let me give you one simple example. In many countries there exist an abundance of cultures, which to us may seem unfathomable, yet their followers number in the tens of millions and represent the realities of those cultures. Some of those cultural practices involve the cutting or “scarring” of members for various reasons, such as a rite of passage and these practices are as natural to them as some of our cultural practices (piercing/tattooing) are to us. Unfortunately there are also some cultures that support the barbaric practice of mutilating the genitals of their women, which while deplorable in practice, it still offers us a way to promote HIV prevention. While we may not stop the mutilation, just maybe we can prevent any HIV infections in the process. I read that in the Philippines some tribes have a tradition of placing small incisions between the eyebrows and during a ceremony it would not be uncommon for possibly 100 participants to use the SAME KNIFE for all of the incisions. Now imagine if that knife is contaminated with the HIV virus? How many of those 100 people using that knife might contract HIV, all without ever knowing the source of their infections? To Westerners the above may seem foolish because far too many naively believe that HIV prevention messages are provided worldwide. However, to the members of such a tribe there is a much greater chance that they know relatively little about the threats of HIV. Now imagine if we could somehow connect and educate the healers as to the realities of HIV transmission and by doing so, they could do something as simple as sterilizing the knife between cuttings? Cutting, scarring and mutilating happen in many cultures and rather than evaluate the activity we need to simply view it in terms of infection risks and propose the least invasive method of protecting that population. Since our goal is to limit infection rates and we certainly need all the allies we can get, why not utilize the very people that millions rely on for their healing needs? To think, HIV prevention for hundreds or even thousands may be possible, all for the cost of a case, or two, of bleach each year per tribe. We know how to prevent infections and often the simplest and cheapest methods will work, if only we change our view of what constitutes successful prevention strategies. I believe it is time for us to remove all judgment when developing HIV prevention strategies because only the truth will lead us to finding those methods that work. The issue is not whether anyone agrees with a given cultures ways. The issue is to understand that culture and formulate a program that utilizes all of the resources of that culture. It is time for science to return as the basis for HIV prevention policies because science does not judge, rather it lays out the reality of HIV and provides a solid foundation on which to build prevention programs. It will take a quantum leap for many countries, especially America, to stop moralizing behavior when formulating HIV prevention policies. Declaring something to be evil does nothing to reach people, serves no useful purpose and as we have seen, any prevention program that limits the truth is destined to fail. If we really want to develop effective HIV prevention strategies then the world needs to approach all of her cultures, to share the truth about HIV prevention programs, while respecting their traditions. While our cultures may be divergent the need to protect our citizens from HIV is universal. It is time to stop thinking locally and start acting on a global scale. http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/12/in_many_parts_o.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/12/in_many_parts_o.html Wed, 13 Dec 2006 10:38:54 -0500 As HIV infection rates continue to rise in many countries and we search for ways to reduce that rate, I am amazed that nobody is pressing harder for changes, but not changes in prevention messages, but real change on a societal scale. HIV infection rates have the potential to seriously damage many countries with a high number of cases and the only way to effectively address these issues is to provide support for the most important ingredients for HIV prevention. For 25 years we have debated on what prevention messages to send, the treatments and services to provide and the creation of needle-exchange programs and numerous other ideas to try and stem the increasing HIV infection rates. Yet through this all, far too many seem to miss the most obvious area and the potential for changing the discussion on HIV prevention and infections. It is an area that encompasses one half of our society and for far too many it condemns them to lives of untold horrors. If you want to get serious about true HIV prevention, you need to support women’s rights, because until all women have the right of true self-protection, all the talking and programs will not change reality for hundreds of millions of women. The women to which I refer are those who live in predominately third world countries, where many women are treated not much better than the chattel they represent to their male masters. Places where women are bought sold or traded with their having little or no recourse to such atrocities. Far too many countries limit the lives of their women and use this to label them as being incapable of running their own lives and therefore relegate them to subservient status. In these countries women are unable to actually “just say no” to sex, regardless of the promiscuity of their mates. Men are free to rut as they please and their women are expected to almost “service” them upon demand, without any ability to insist on protection from infection for either party. So many governments and societies actively promote violence against their women and restrict their access to education that could help them make a real life for themselves and access to truth-based STD prevention information is all but nonexistent. Yet even if they had the education, there is little access, if any to the resources needed to protect their lives. Even more disgusting is that women with an education and access to prevention methods have no right to insist that their partners use such protection or insist on providing protection for the women. It seems that many parts of the world place little value on the lives of their women, which is reflected in absence of laws protecting women, or where they might exist, they are rarely enforced or the requirement of their enforcement all but precludes any women from taking protection under the law. Of what value are laws against rape, when the victim must produce at least four male witnesses to such a brutal act? Since most, if not all men are complicit in this subrogation of their females, very few would be willing to bear witness against each other. If that were not dehumanizing enough, there are many cultures when once a women is “stained” by intercourse, forced or not, she becomes nothing more than an embarrassment to her family and friends. There are other cultures that support the mutilation of women’s genitals and even a few societies that will actually kill their own women, based solely on the fact that she is now “damaged goods.” Someone please explain to me how such huge portions of society could not only develop but promote such horror? They appear so short sighted that they fail to see how high HIV infection rates amongst their female populations is transmitted to their children and unprotected partners and the resulting orphan rate, from those still dying from HIV is in the tens of millions. Why bother having laws or programs that seem to exist to protect women, when they are little more than farce or window-dressing for the world? I cannot imagine that many countries do it to curry favor as these atrocities have been occurring for centuries, but now they are extracting a price that is too dear for most to bear. HIV is cutting a wide path through every segment of society in almost every part of the world, with women and children bearing the brunt of this devastation. Imagine if some type of microbicide were developed that could kill HIV on contact? Imagine if this could be cheaply produced and distributed to the far reaches of the globe? And most promising is to imagine if such a product could be used without the knowledge of the other partner? The term “women’s rights” encompasses so much more than just their ability to protect themselves from sexual diseases including HIV. But if we do not start providing the basic tools for women to keep themselves safe, the other goals of such rights becomes moot. So much of the world seems ready to help stem the tide of HIV infections yet far too many seem afraid to insist on the societal changes necessary to support such programs. It always seem to fall back on the idea of equal rights for all citizens, because you can be assured that if it were the men who were experiencing such brutality the laws and administration of such would reach new levels. Except that none of that seems to happen and I am unable to understand how it can be allowed to continue. I am perplexed at any religion that requires that one sex of its members to be subjected to such brutality by the other sex. I cannot accept that there is any religious truth in exposing unprotected women to certain death through HIV infection. Granted I am no expert in any of these foreign cultures and maybe I am naïve when I assume that basic human dignity should be a right of all of us who occupy this planet. As with other areas of HIV there is a real need for change and not merely window-dressing. Millions upon millions of women need our help so they may dictate their own futures and protect themselves. They must have equal rights, because without them, what right would they have to any vaccine or prevention methods that might become available? Far too many women remain marginalized because of archaic laws and ideas or at the insistence of religious dogma. Millions of women worldwide need our help, for they are prevented from displacing centuries of ill-conceived ideas regarding their rights and role in society. Too many are left defenseless to even protect their own lives and the losses that result will have real consequences in the near future. You cannot sustain any society by oppressing half of it, while orphaning an entire generation of children all due to a preventable disease. Millions of women need our help to keep them safe and the lack of their screams is deafening. http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/11/want_to_serious.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/11/want_to_serious.html Thu, 30 Nov 2006 19:59:33 -0500 The year is 1985, the city is Detroit and I am about to start my “rounds.” I enter the hospital and proceed to the floor that is often referred to as “the morgue”. The walls are a putrid green (think baby food strained peas) with orange doors as the structure is decades old and it reminds you more of a prison than a hospital ward. There is little joy here, few people smile and you hear no laughter. You expect to see Nurse Ratchet round the corner at any moment. A smell permeates the floor, very complex in composition, however essentially unidentifiable, as individual smells. There is one smell though, that cannot be denied and it is the first smell that hits you every time you enter this floor. The smell is of death because this is the AIDS floor, where most of the patients have come to hopefully find some comfort as they proceed to their demise. For too many people they have nowhere else to go except here. It is the place where HIV positive people, now ravaged by AIDS come to die. As I walk the floor the signs of disease and death are virtually everywhere. Because of over-crowding most rooms have two patients, or more and it is rare to see visitors. Every door contains warning signs that range from fluid precautions, food restrictions to medicine interactions or oxygen in use. Perhaps the coldest sign is the one requiring that anyone wishing to enter must wear a gown, shoe covers, cap, mask and gloves. As if these poor souls did not have enough to deal with they had to endure being treated like lepers. It is almost impossible to console someone when you are unable to touch him or her physically. Fear permeates the floor and one cannot help to notice the dearth of nurses or hospital workers, nor the silence that attends so much hurt and misery. The fear is reflected by the food trays stacked in front of each door and sometimes even a cup or two of medications. These are the early days of AIDS and we really did not understand this illness that was dropping our friends and family in droves. For some of those friends/family, when they became too ill, they often came here to die. That death was often inevitable and many died in such agony that I no longer could bear to remember. Death surrounds you and even amongst the great suffering, you can understand the fears of the attending staff. It is very normal to fear what we do not understand, especially when it is an actual illness, which at the time would certainly kill you. You can sympathize with self-preservation on their part, because in the end it came down to their risking their lives for a stranger. That fear is what drove many of us to come and attend to our fallen comrades. For most of them their family and friends had long deserted them and so many of us from that time, felt a moral duty to try and let no one die alone. It was the time of AIDS buddies, food boxes, clothes closets, meals on wheels, support groups, group dinners and anything else that we could think of to support each other and to ease the doomed ones with their passing. It was a time when possibly the most depraved humor reigned, epitomized in the T-Cell Naming Parties. Faithfully I would pause in front of each door and don the required garb. How sad to enter a room and see the patients in their horrific state and in need of simple compassion. Upon seeing some of them you could understand why the food remained outside. Many had such severe OIs, that swallowing was all but impossible or they had a raging fever or slowly drowning in fluid that had built up in their lungs due to PCP. Almost all of them had some type of IV, shunt, pick-line, ventilator, catheter or whatever else that may ease their suffering, as prolonging such a life was never really an option. I would move from room to room and do whatever the patient may want, which often involved just touching them (no gloves) and listening. They were the forgotten souls, cast aside by society and sent here to die. Surely they deserved better than this, but this was often all that we could provide. These were the days before the ASOs existed, when society turned its back on the HIV community. Churches would forbid our having memorial services while funeral homes refused to either embalm pos people or even allow for closed casket viewings. It was a time that birthed the AIDS Vigil as a way for us to honor the multiple deaths when we found a church that would permit our services. Many times these services were held wherever we could find a space, because all that really mattered was that we honored our dead and just maybe it could provide an opportunity for us to find some type of closure. Believe me when I tell you how hard it is to find closure for hundreds of your friends’ deaths. For those living with HIV, the prospects were rather dim as the only support systems that existed were essentially volunteer groups with very limited resources. There were no medications to treat HIV disease. There was little government money for HIV services and what little existed, was quickly consumed by the core services that most poz people needed at that time. Those churches that refused to accept dead poz people were certainly not going to help living ones. So for us, our resources were our members and for those of us who were surviving, we accepted the horrible truth that if we did not watch over each other, there would be no one else to do it for us. So I would move from room to room, feed some patients, help them with personal hygiene, maybe help them take a walk, fluff a pillow or whatever, just to stay busy. Too many times I remember entering a room and upon seeing the patient, especially when they were sleeping, I would sit and silently cry. Not only did I cry for what I was witnessing, I cried as I faced a reality that could very well become mine someday. I cried because I felt helpless in the onslaught. I would cry for those who could not or because of a hardened heart, would not. I cried knowing that my actions were no more than the proverbial finger in the dike, as all I could do was try to ease the suffering and watch them fade away, one at a time. It was a time that we must always remember with honor and respect, for those who have gone before us, as they instilled a sense of real honor and support into legions of poz people. It was a very difficult time to be alive and on some days even harder because I was not dying, at least not literally. I was perplexed on how I survived yet somehow I found the strength to persevere and in doing so I have thousands of wonderful memories of friends who showed real valor up to the bitter end. So many of them had nurtured and supported the early AIDS movement and we all did what we had to do. At that time it would be unthinkable to do any less that you could, so we volunteered for everything from AIDS Buddies and rounds to clinical trials. To some of you this may all seem to be surreal, nevertheless these were some of the early days of HIV. It was a time when we each found our calling and if your health allowed it, you just had to give back to your friends and community. It was a time of immeasurable horror punctuated by remarkable hope. A time that removed almost an entire generation of gay men, who would have served as true role models for both the Gay and HIV communities and as friends, family and lovers. Thousands upon thousands of souls taken from us, leaving immense voids and we had no idea of what we had done to invite such a plague. I do not imagine we will ever understand. A time that challenged so many of us, a time when rounds were really just a part of a day in the life of far too many people who sought to do anything rather than dwell on the death and dying that surrounded us. A time that remains forever seared into the conscience of anyone who lived through it. A time that I still hold dear, because even through the pain, it involved the people that I loved the most and these memories are all that I have left. Sometimes even painful memories are better than none. I share this so that both readers and forum posters can begin to understand why some of us seniors insist on sharing this history, because we have witnessed where many of you may be going. Over the last few decades we have continued to bury people who were compliant with EVERY FACET of their HIV management, except they died anyway. We have seen people who stop all treatment and somehow dodge the Grim Reaper for years. We have watched as people who seemed perfectly healthy, would experience rapidly declining health and die unexpectedly. We have supported friends, who have decided to stop all meds to attain a reasonable quality of life, even when they knew that such a decision would result in their death. We have allowed, supported and celebrated the passing of scores to HIV. It never becomes any easier as the hundredth death hurts just as badly as the first one. It is impossible to have witnessed so much of the horrors of HIV and not have been moved to do all that is within your power to help those who came after you. So when I share something or give some advice, my only goal is to somehow ease the suffering of others. I was informed of my HIV infection by a nurse with the Red Cross who then handed me a card for the infectious disease clinic at a local hospital and that is what constituted HIV test counseling at the time. The Internet and sites like this have changed all of this, mostly for the good, except there remains a true lack of historical perspective concerning HIV and our present reality. Without history as a guide, people think that the current public HIV programs will always be there. I would not count on it. We fought long and hard for everything that we have concerning HIV services however it can all be removed by a simple vote of Congress. When I complain about administrative and political situations it is because I know what our government and many of our citizens are capable of allowing, as I have witnessed it. It took Ronald Reagan almost eight years into his presidency before he even uttered the word “AIDS” and his lack of concern has been devastating to the HIV community ever since. Try and imagine where we might be today, if we had the seven years of true research that was lost by an uncaring president and disinterested public. It is short-sighted to assume anything and like it or not, we pozzies are a different breed and 25 years has confirmed that if we do not take care of our own, few others will care. Our ASOs have been horribly compromised, either through corruption or being forced to chase federal dollars, which often skew services to what DC expects you to provide, rather than the real need of your particular area. It is like whoring yourself just to remain fed and there was a local ASO that simply closed the doors, dumping 3,000 pozzies onto the streets to fend for them selves. I could go on, but you surely get my drift. I am involved with AIDSMEDS and POZ because I believe in their mission and I know how important it is, for the newly infected, to meet seniors like me. How different might many of our lives have been, if we had some seniors of our own back in the 80s? If we had someone who could have warned so many of us about the dangerous drugs or whatever, however those people do exist today. Please realize that when I share my experience, health and even when I might be slappin’ you upside the head, it comes from my heart. If I come across as a little brusque at times, remember that the written word does not contain all the nuances of speech. I respond to you because I think I can help and I gain immense pleasure from this site. I share my history because it does repeat concerning HIV; we still have the same arguments even though our understanding and treatment options have exploded. Sadly some things never change and there are times when I will react as my history indicates I should; or even lash out in defense of the forums, yet none of it comes with any malice. If I can share something that helps another that to me is reward in itself, even if you do not like the way I say it. It reminds me of classic scene in M.A.S.H. when Hawkeye caught an underage soldier (Ron Howard) and sent him home for being too young. Upon shipping out, the soldier kept telling Hawkeye how much he hated him, to which Hawkeye replied, “Let’s hope it is a long and healthy hate.” I do not need for you to like me so much as I hope you value my contributions. After all what matters more, the message or the delivery? I truly believe in all of us sharing what we remember, because we do not want the pozzies of today to ignore the lessons from our history. You are not the first, nor sadly the last, to become HIV positive, try a new drug, have no side effects, or horribly failed by your meds as it has been happening for decades. History is important because knowledge is power and advocating for oneself is the pinnacle of the HIV community. I will never try to tell you how to live I simply wish to share my history, as do many other seniors because for some of us, we contain an awful amount of history. As to rounds, I would do them again in a heartbeat. http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/11/rounds.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/11/rounds.html Fri, 17 Nov 2006 19:41:20 -0500 They started a new HIV prevention campaign in Los Angeles that included posters that said “HIV is a gay disease”. While I understand the need to reawaken the Gay community about HIV, I believe this type of campaign just fosters outdated beliefs about HIV and the connection to the Gay community. And because of this connection I maintain that many programs and even governments are under-serving their HIV populations often using the gay angle as a way to justify their actions. We need to change the focus of HIV prevention and treatment to address the realities of HIV because if we do not start acting soon, I fear the overwhelming number of HIV infections will all but preclude any serious efforts at stemming infections, let alone reducing the infection rate. Some countries face the real possibility of imploding due to their HIV populations and inability to provide for their needs. I believe that one of the main reasons why HIV prevention and treatment is under-funded is because of the link between HIV and being gay. For 25 years we have endured the supposed truth that HIV was a gay disease and that link is having devastating impacts on how HIV is perceived in many areas of the world. Too many countries use that connection to undermine their support of the HIV community. There are still about 12 countries in the world, where being gay is seen as punishable by imprisonment or even death. Surely that must create a real schism between what the state may want to do, as opposed to the real needs of society. Far too many countries do not even provide medical access to much of their HIV population, so how can they ever hope to effectively address their needs? In many cultures being gay is seen as a very bad thing, even evil, but rather than argue about that viewpoint, we need to concentrate on separating the disease from the Gay community. Even in America I find it hard to believe that the gay connection does not influence the level of funding for HIV prevention and treatment. Prejudice dies hard and we all know how much easier it is to ignore a segment of society when we can somehow “demonize” their actions. It is time for us to separate the reality of HIV from the perceptions that far too many people share. It is time for us to stop linking HIV with any community or societal segment and redefine it for what it is: a disease of the immune system. We must reformulate how we deal with the challenges of HIV and stop segmenting its effects. We all know the truth about HIV: It is an equal-opportunity infection. It has no conscience, makes no judgments and if infected it will try to kill you. After 25 years of this madness, why would we want to link HIV with anything other than the disease it represents? There are governments that deny equal rights for gays, let alone tolerance and far too often those perceptions affect the quality or even existence of HIV prevention or treatment services. I believe that in too many cultures, the intolerance of gays, when coupled with the seemingly endless stigma of HIV being viewed as a gay disease, makes it far too easy for governments to promote intolerance against both segments of society. I don’t care what most of them say, I hear the words, so carefully chosen but I do not just listen to the words, I listen for intent. Few world leaders speak from their heart rather they promote “sound bites” or toe the government line on policy. If the local culture is encouraged by its leaders to view pos folks as some kind of vermin or worse, morally bankrupt, well you know how it goes: once you begin to demonize a segment of society, the easier it becomes to repress that segment. We have leaders in Africa actually saying that HIV does not cause AIDS and that HIV can be treated through local remedies. Now, place yourself in a country where what you see and hear is filtered and after a while, just about anything will sound reasonable. If they convince their citizens that HIV is just not that important, why does it surprise anyone when those same governments then ignore their positive citizens? Add to the propaganda religious dogma and that gay disease thing and it becomes even easier to ignore an “inconvenient population”. There are still countries in this world, which will murder their own citizens for the “crime” of being gay. Imagine what they might do, if the world was not looking and for far too long it has not bothered to look. I suspect the true numbers of deaths from HIV are probably understated by tens of millions, easy. It runs so rampant in some parts of the world that nobody could possibly keep count of all the deaths, nor do many people seem to care. We need to start addressing the true impact of HIV and it has nothing to do with any particular community. HIV represents a plague that could dwarf the combined death tolls of plagues from our past. This year alone somewhere between 40 to 45 million people will die from HIV infection and the number of deaths has been pretty steady for far too many years. At that rate, we have long surpassed the 100 million who died from influenza in the early 1900s. At this rate it will not be too long before we pass the ONE-BILLIONTH death due to HIV mark. 1,000,000,000 (one billion) deaths to a preventable disease should not be an option to the world. Unfortunately it will surely be our legacy unless more is done to acknowledge the true costs of HIV and the world gets serious about prevention and treatment. HIV is a disease and we need to start treating and responding to that fact, unless we wish to face a very ugly world in the next decade. One billion deaths from HIV: if that does not scare us into making some radical changes, I do not know what will. http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/11/why_hiv_must_no.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/11/why_hiv_must_no.html Fri, 10 Nov 2006 12:08:30 -0500 Sometimes fate can present issues that challenge us to our core. When a confluence of events occurs and the result falls somewhere between scared shitless to insanity. It would appear that my stars have crossed because I am teetering on the brink of insanity and scared shitless. Stephen has suffered from problems in his legs and especially his feet that has generally been diagnosed as peripheral neuropathy and has been treated as such usually through medication. He has been through it all and while many of the treatments offer temporary relief, he has yet to find any true respite from this pain. So a few months ago he started the search to get some answers about his PN issues and his worsening back pain. I will not bore you with the specifics of the search, as only the result is important and that result includes his having surgery to fuse 2 or more disks in his lower back. I know he needs it, I believe it will help him and I respect and support his decision to have this surgery and I am scared shitless. I know the odds which are very good, but there always remains that unknown variable. Logically I understand what will be done and why and the expected outcome. But what if…? Nothing is guaranteed in life and the thought haunts me that something may go wrong with his surgery. Maybe he will die on the operating table, or become paralyzed or have his condition actually worsened. Like I said, I am scared shitless. So we have been doing all the prep work as his surgery is on Oct. 4. He is getting measured for a custom back brace and the commode and walker people called today to coordinate his care. I know he is in good hands, mine, but what if…? I mention it to him and he consoles me but I can see the fear in his eyes, he knows what might happen, but the prospect of relief is just too great of a carrot for him and at some level I know he will be fine. Then my daughter called today and my journey to insanity was accelerated by light years. It seems that Kate shares a particular gene that has also affected both an aunt and uncle of hers. She has a mole on her back and the biopsy came back indicating Melanoma, stage T3 (out of four), or benign, depending up which lab results you use. After the initial results were split, other samples were sent to both Harvard and some other famous lab that I cannot remember and again the results are split. Her specialist has decided to err on the side of caution and she will be having some long-ass named procedure in another week or two. Essentially they will remove the mole and biopsy it and then using radioactive dye they trace the lymph nodes that the mole is connected with and remove the pair. They will biopsy them and if benign, she’s in the clear, one for the medical journals and follow up for a couple of years. The moles in both her aunt and uncle turned out to be benign. On the other hand, if it is melanoma, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. The two most important people in my life are going to have surgery and I have no control as to the outcomes. Logic keeps me focused while my emotions are screaming toward that edge of insanity. Unlike most of my Blog, this one is just raw emotion. I needed to get this out for me and no one else. While I realize they will both read this, I just cannot burden them right now, with my impending insanity. I will get through this because they will need me and they represent the world to me. In my heart I believe they will both be fine. But what if…? http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/09/what_if.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/09/what_if.html Wed, 27 Sep 2006 00:09:42 -0500 I live in an area that has a very large population of HIV positive men and many of them are also gay. This community supports a few ASOs, charities, newspapers, and establishments and meets the needs of the poz population fairly well. While some of our service delivery can be rather burdensome and degrading, at least most of us have access to what we need. I wish I could say that for all of this country and certainly for the rest of the world. Yet for all America offers and despite what our government will tell you, we still live in a country that actively supports a two-tiered system of citizens and to some, the HIV community should even be grateful for the tolerance of society. To all of those who share those sentiments, I wish I could understand what positive people have done to deserve such distain. Here we are 25 years into this pandemic and too much of the HIV community is still pleading for adequate funding of HIV research and treatments. In too many parts of the world, positive people do not even have access to basic health care services. There seems to be plenty of funding for various diseases, yet in the US, HIV still receives flat funding each year even as infection rates continue to escalate. Again, what exactly have we done to warrant such treatment? In America we seem able to police the globe, yet we have waiting lists for drugs and people have died because the Republican majority is more concerned with issues other than poz people dying. I am not sure what we have done and frankly I no longer care. I am done waiting and for me, tolerance of positive people is no longer enough, I now insist on acceptance. Tolerance can be defined as having sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one’s own. While that may be enough for some, it is no longer enough for me, nor should it be for you. I am through being considered something to “tolerate”, due to both my sexual orientation and HIV infection. I can no longer stand idly by, while portions of society insist on minimizing my rights and my existence. I do not want their tolerance; rather I am demanding their acceptance. Yes acceptance, because I have been forced to “accept” all kinds of shit throughout my life and now it is my time to stand and be counted. I have grown up in a world that is overly influenced by intolerant heterosexuals, radical religious zealots, hate-mongers and bigoted politicians. I have had to endure decades of being tolerated and tolerance is not worth anything, unless it comes with acceptance. My America denies positive people access to many HIV treatments and services, because we are not accepted only tolerated. They believe that by throwing us the bone of tolerance, that we will continue to ignore the hatred and bigotry that way too many of them espouse. How dare some religious groups decree that because of my sexual orientation, coupled with my status, somehow makes me less deserving of access to proper medical care. And how can you justify the same lack of funding and services in many areas on this globe that have few gays amongst their positive population? You would hope that 25 years into this plague would have educated people, but alas it is not to be. So many segments work overtime to vilify the HIV community and some actually work to promote even more intolerance than we suffer from today. I suppose none of this should surprise many of us, because it is just another example of people using religion to pass moral judgments on societal problems. Please understand, that I am not bashing the majority of people who practice some form of religion, because they know how to balance their faith with their role as citizen and frankly, I wish there were millions more, just like them. Unfortunately, there are millions of Americans and hundreds of millions of others, who have little use for poz people. Even our own government is pressuring third world countries to forgo their rights to produce generic anti-HIV drugs, in order for them to gain preferred trading status with the US. Unfortunately you read that right; our own Emperor Bush is supporting a policy that actually penalizes poorer countries for attempting to treat their own poz citizens by producing generic anti-HIV drugs. Tend to your sick or let them die so other parts of your economy will grow. That kind of tolerance is deadly as we witness in the increasing deaths each year. How demeaning to poz people that the Bush Administration is more concerned with protecting drug company patents and profits, than saving the lives of innocent people. People just like you and me, who happen to be positive and as such we are still considered expendable. For many poz people in other countries they seem to have almost little if any value to so many governments who refuse to accept the facts about the devastation caused by HIV. So for me the wait is over. I’m done waiting for some politicians to start acting like human beings by supporting adequate funding levels for HIV treatment and services. I am over the preachers, deacons or anyone else who preaches the use of religion to oppress anyone and to prevent the acceptance of all of our society. I refuse to remain silent in the face of any event that attempts to undermine who I am: a human being with HIV. Tolerance is no longer sufficient and for those who say that it is merely one step on the road to acceptance, I ask: “When you might think that may happen?” Wake up my friends, it has been 25 years and we are still fighting for minimal funding of services to keep people alive. It is time for a change. Funny thing about change, while it remains one constant of life, I do believe you can hasten change, but to do that you have to stand your ground. It is also important to note the difference between acceptance and approval. I do not need the approval of anyone, just acceptance. Society must be made to accept the fact that all poz people deserve access to adequate medical care. When society accepts all of its segments, it becomes just that much more difficult to then shortchange those segments. Yet shortchange us they do and it can be seen in the inadequate funding of HIV programs and services and rising infection rates.. I believe it is time for positive folks to stand our ground. No matter what others may think, what morality they may attempt to use to demonize us, we have done nothing wrong and we must begin to assert our equal rights. As a person with HIV I demand acceptance by the world and will insist on their involvement to stem this plague. I’m usually a pretty laid back guy. My wants in life are somewhat simple and I would think that we all share some common desires, such as life, love and liberty. I’m a person worthy of society’s support and respect as I face the challenges of living with HIV. I’ll be the first to admit, that I can’t do any of this alone and so I invite all of you to get involved in whatever fuels your passion. If you are new to the world of HIV in America, I urge that you begin to understand how the HIV community lives and functions. Take some time to understand the laws and programs that provide a safety net for about one million poz Americans. Educate yourself enough so you will endorse those candidates that have our best interests at heart. Get involved on a local level and help determine the future of your own HIV community. For those in other parts of the world, my challenge includes you. Please get involved and learn how your country provides the treatments and services it does for your HIV population and where you see problems, work at finding solutions. We no longer have the luxury of waiting for many governments to recognize their responsibility to their HIV population; they have already had 25 years, yet millions continue to die each year. Acceptance changes much of that which tolerance denies us. Acceptance moves us to the “big table” at holidays and we are ACCEPTED as equal members of society and not as just an afterthought. Acceptance requires society to once again leap forward and acknowledge the needs of a very pressing segment: the HIV community. Sometimes society wants to do what is right, but they still need a push. For millions upon millions of poz folks, we can no longer wait for access to treatment, we can do this and we just need a larger push. I would submit that for most of the world, the prospects for poz people could hardly be described as promoting a tolerant environment. We have allowed others to silence our voice, thereby denying our existence and absolving society of its neglect for our community. How sad that for many the mere disclosure of their infection can essentially condemn them to death, because those deaths can be “tolerated”. I’ll agree that tolerance is desired when it serves as a catalyst for change, but that same tolerance can also become an excuse, to do nothing, because they already “tolerate” our existence. If you don’t think we need to start standing our ground, then you have not been paying attention. My goal here is to educate you on why you should be very afraid and after 25 years, why you should be very angry at the present state of HIV services and treatments. There are people who are actively working to limit our rights and benefits as citizens of this planet. It seems that the reasons for the hatred remain varied, but the end result is always the same: oppression of anyone who does not share the majority view. Many religions views being gay as a “perversion” and too many parts of the world somehow believe that poz people received divine retribution by contracting HIV and you know what they say about making your own bed. Tolerance is no longer enough. It promotes apathy and supports inaction. It is time for acceptance. The wait is over, the world must step up and confront this pandemic, to view prevention, treatment and services as proper and normal and to recognize the threat that unbridled HIV infection rates represent. I demand acceptance and access to the treatments and services I need to fight my HIV infection. I also believe that we must actively fight any government or politicians that under-fund HIV prevention services, because abstinence-only prevention messages are ineffective and they are draining precious dollars from other needs of the HIV community. The world has had 25 years to combat this disease yet millions still die each year, because too few people seem to care. We know the challenges, the needs and our right to treatment and services. We know first hand that given the chance HIV will kill us. We have a duty to ourselves and as world citizens, we must insist on the development and funding of effective HIV prevention messages, based on science and tailored for all parts of the world. Twenty-five years is long enough to wait for someone else to do this. It is time to stand and be counted, because if we do not do it, who will? We are all that we have and more than enough of what we need. We have the power to do this and the obligation to do so. http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/09/tolerance_for_h.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/09/tolerance_for_h.html Sun, 10 Sep 2006 18:24:34 -0500 Of all the strangest issues surrounding HIV, I find none as perplexing as those who feel that HIV is somehow is a gift. Now my understanding of a gift, is something you give to another, to make that person feel extra special or to commemorate a birthday, anniversary or other significant date or just because you feel like it. Many people take great care in choosing that gift, to ensure its uniqueness or to fit it to the style of the recipient. A gift, by all accounts, is meant to make both the giver and receiver happy and I can’t even begin to fathom how HIV would do either of those things. I often wonder if some people confuse getting HIV with receiving their “wake-up” call in life. We all know those people, who experience some cataclysmic event, only to become “reborn”. They begin to see many things in a different way, reprioritize their goals and some change their entire outlook on life. They latch onto that experience as a turning point, that oft times, not only redefines their life, but it affects real change within them. It can be a kind of cosmic “slap upside the head”, where fate gets your attention to present you with some new facts. We don’t always respond as hoped, but many people make very meaningful changes in their life, outlook and morals. And when you reconsider this experience, in light of these changes, it could appear that their respective “event” was indeed a gift. Still, I remain confused, when I talk with someone about his or her infection and they claim it “was the best thing that ever happened to them.” You can’t really mean that, can you? Surely you are confusing your own internal potential, with some deadly virus and the two remain mutually exclusive. When you make concrete changes for the better, you might do it because you are now positive, but not because the HIV somehow changed who you are. HIV possesses no special abilities, other than to ravage your health and given the chance, it will kill you. It does not make you a better person, no wiser, no more compassionate or intelligent. And it’s not so much that the HIV even affects your qualities, because what you are or capable of being, is already contained within you. So again, it appears that HIV may not be seen, so much as a gift but as a catalyst. I imagine we all know people, who after they became positive, their aura changed. But that change came from within, even if spurred externally, because we already possess all the tools for change, that we need, we just need to become more adept at wielding them. When I first tested positive, in 85, my world came to a crashing halt. I’ll skip the details, but the change in my perspective was immediate and undeniable. Where I was once very occupied with climbing that social/corporate ladder, with all of its trappings, life became very simplified. For someone who was usually pushing the envelope and rather self-centered, I became someone much more in tune with my surroundings. No longer was the slow cashier “stupid or slow”, because now I thought: “What if something horrible has happened in their life and they are still recovering? And what’s your big hurry?” I began to understand the impact of a catastrophe and I suppose you could say that during my first year, my compassion for others rose immensely. I started to realize the difference between accepting and affecting change and gained a new perspective on how precious life can be. But in my case, what really happened with my becoming positive was my world imploded. I was forced out of the closet, in more ways than one and for the first time in my life, I had to stand against a rather hostile world. Yet, respond I did. I slowly picked up my pieces and reassembled a life and moved forward. Now that I was free from the lies of my past, I was free to become what I could, because I already possessed my capabilities. I was able to apply so many skills and I really started to enjoy the new person that I had become. Funny thing, being an ex-liar (Catholic, tried marriage, etc.), is how I now appreciate honesty and trust as the two most important human bonds. So I rebuilt my life based on those and I have never regretted it. My point is that you already contain all that you can be, if only you decide to use those qualities. HIV did not make me an advocate, a writer, nor did it ever pay my bills, make me laugh or hold me on a lonely night. By no stretch of the imagination can HIV be viewed as any type of a gift. However, the wake up call that came with my HIV infection has proven to be the greatest gift, I ever unwittingly gave to myself. http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/08/if_hiv_is_a_gif.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/08/if_hiv_is_a_gif.html Wed, 30 Aug 2006 21:07:46 -0500 My initial thought was to write an entry, that would honor our fallen and serve as a gentle reminder of acknowledging all of those we have lost to this disease. I considered recollecting some of the beautiful people I have known, their challenges with HIV and the inevitable outcome, and then I thought: Why? I don’t need to travel through a quagmire of painful memories to remind anyone of how crushing those memories can be. For too many of us, who started this journey in the 80s, we stood by, helpless and watched as a generation of gay men was taken from us. You don’t need to be reminded of that loss. How much beauty, love and joy we have lost will never be tallied. There will always remain those holes in your heart, where you have lost the soul that occupied that space. There is no going back, only memories. To anyone who has ever lost anyone to HIV, you don’t need to relive the horror. I can’t imagine that there are any of us, who when reminded of the 25th Anniversary of HIV, do not float back, to a very different time and remember... I don’t need to remind you of that. http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/06/remembering.html http://blogs.poz.com/joe/archives/2006/06/remembering.html Fri, 23 Jun 2006 18:57:46 -0500