Jonathan's POZ Blog

We all decide what, and whom are worth our time and energy. And with relatively advanced illness, those expenditures of energy become more precious and more thoughtful.

Last weekend, I went to the Renaissance Faire with my friend Richard. It was amazing. As usual, I dressed as a hobbit. And as usual, I drank too much mead in my wooden bowl, attached to my leather belt by a clasp. And as usual, I spent way too much time in character, dancing with maidens and cheering the jousters. That evening, I was exhausted beyond the telling of it. I was so tired that Richard had to basically carry me into my apartment, and when I was situated, I fell asleep. It was a remarkable and deep sleep, full of great times and good memories and the full knowledge that I had been a part of the world again for a while.

After so many years of giving away my time and energy and strength, it felt good to selfishly use some of those precious gems on my own self. It felt great to spend time with a good friend, and to be goofy and crazy and cavort around and get a little drunk from honey wine and enjoy the feeling of fresh air on my face.. even on my latex elven ears. So much of what I write, I write when I am down, or depressed, or sick. And though I will be the first to say that it took me several days to recover from my excursion, it was worth every fever, every night sweat, every moment of discomfort.

I am ok with dying. I think I made that clear. However, I love being alive. I really do love it. And my goal for this spring, this summer, this year is to be alive more often. To be away from the computer and the writing and the documentation long enough to actually experience a bit more, a bit longer. I had a wonderful time with a good friend at a great place. Moments like that are worth whatever we pay for them. And in a time when energy is a precious resource, I suppose we must choose those moments carefully.

Or in my case, carelessly… but thoughtfully.

Look for more carelessness to follow, as soon as I am up for it.