Subscribe to this blog's feed"I touch the fire and it freezes me.
I look into it, and it’s black
Why can’t I Feel?
My skin should crack and peel…
I want the fire back."
from Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Say what I might about Joss Whedon. His handling of Serenity was an extended and forceful urination on his fans of Firefly. His dad almost singlehandedly took the Original Dick Van Dyke show and made it jump the shark. But he did, sometimes, channel some amazing emotional places. One of those being the feeling of loss and helpless hopelessness, of the conflict between having been handed peaceful death and having complicated and painful life thrust back upon a person. The guy knew about that. Or his muse did. Or Marti Noxon did. Whatever.
I feel as though I have been waiting, even hoping to die, ever since my dad did in 2001. That’s when I started drinking again, with a vengeance. And it was not some sort of accident of coping. I started drinking again because I wanted to coast the Jonathan Plane into as controlled a crash landing in the dark sea of despair as I could manage. With as little collateral damage as I could muster, and maybe along the way write one or two words that mattered. But make no mistake, I have made every choice from a brilliant clarity, drunk dials and near-blackout sexual choices notwithstanding.
And for a while, it was liberating. I finally told my dysfunctional boyfriend what I thought and felt, and how I had been stifled for years. Then I broke up with him, and pursued the inner tramp that I had for so long denied. I stopped taking the drugs which were making me feel like crap every day. I changed doctors from a distant, authoritarian, judgmental dictator to a sweet, smart, intellectual. I did some good things. Some important things.
Not because I was drinking. But because I had stopped caring what others thought of me. My life was over. My descent from the shallow orbit that is AIDS into the fire-flung thermosphere, without ablative shielding. Without anything but the innate certainty that I did not want to live in a world without my father in it. Without the physics to understand the world without it’s most primal and important feature.
Mom is doing the same thing. She doesn’t take great care of the homestead anymore. Maintenance things, like getting the air conditioner serviced, or getting the house painted, or making certain all the fixtures work or the water is hot. These things, these gestures of continual vigilance, of commitment to survival, seem beyond her. And she almost resents the notion of doing anything but removing herself from the world bit by bit, until her universe is her comfy chair, her bathroom and bedroom, occasionally a kitchen, and perhaps the mindless social construct of her bridge games.
But she checked out of Hotel Earth when her husband died. Her continued support and camaraderie as far as I am concerned is a testament to her love for me. And for that I am grateful. I wonder if she realizes that it goes both ways.
That disconnect, that patient, even cheerful dissolution, is very seductive. And I can only complain to Mom so often, so hard, that she is letting things slip. Because I get it. I do. She and I share that, that coasting downward.
Not the crass crash landing of a suicide, or even of a self destructive lifestyle... just of the lack of serious effort to treat or heal. Sort of spreading your tattered wings and coasting down, knowing that you are heading for a crash but making the ride down as easy as possible. I see my Mom doing the same thing.
I bitch to her about getting the plumbing fixed in the house, or getting the Air conditioner serviced. But I finally get it. She just does not care anymore. In a real sense, she died when her beloved died.
its only cruel fate that has forced her body on this side of the fence for the last seven years. Maybe that and the love she feels for me, the feeling that I would be utterly alone and adrift were she gone.
I certainly wish I had died in August of 2001 instead of Dad. And I know how that sounds. Like clinical depression. But isn’t it reasonable, rational even, to feel depressed when one’s world is upended? When one’s reasons for living are removed? When the things that make us feel full, feel alive, are gone?
I have 23 T Cells. I have a viral load that cannot be measured.
I have PCP, which might or might not be returning. I have elevated levels that might or might not indicate brain damage. I have liver damage and resistance to many meds. More than all that, I have fatigue. Not only the physical type. That, well, you can thank the AZT for a lot of that.
Just the fatigue of having done this already. Of having gone through all this, and learned all I can. I just want the next thing to emerge, and I am not sure what that is. Is the next lesson How To Revive Lost Lives?
Is the next lesson How to revive that lost intangible connection with the universe? That would be cool. That’s the one lesson I have yet to learn thus far. That’s the one connection I have yet to make. People wonder why I am hesitant to meet them for coffee, when they seek me out on the personals pages. They don’t understand… because I don’t tell them… that I can not address the notion of love in this world until… and unless… I first address my own commitment to staying a part of it… which means.. becoming a part of it again.
That is a lot to ask.
Comments (15)
Jonathan,
I truly wished I understood better before what I do now.
I think you are correct about what the next lesson is - I think most of us die without ever learning it.
Posted by Iggy | June 16, 2007 10:12 AM
Posted on June 16, 2007 10:12
Jonathan - listen to what you are saying. You have been in self destruct mode for SIX YEARS. Your father has passed. You are still ALIVE. Think back to the day you went to the renaissance faire. How ALIVE you were, how filled with the spirit of appreciation for the day and all it held. Consider letting go of your dead father, let him rest in peace, treat your depression, and possibly consider finding a reason you are still here and still writing, still searching. There IS hope in your heart; it pours thru your words. Embrace it.
Posted by Brandon | June 16, 2007 2:45 PM
Posted on June 16, 2007 14:45
Let us be willing to be plainly truthful about the danger of hope. That once you begin to believe in your own dignity and worth, that you deserve to be loved and valued and cared for like anyone else, this ratchets up the stakes to the point where you can no longer accept anything less, and there is no turning back. Maybe that's why people are inclined to take the easier, safer route of learning contentment in a kind of moderate degradation, where the risks are fewer and the disappointments less devastating. It may not be hope for more years, though it may be, it may not be hope for a different type of day, though it may be, it may be hope for a different sort of experiece of yourself, or of those around you. Set your heart on fire.
Posted by tina | June 17, 2007 11:07 AM
Posted on June 17, 2007 11:07
Jonathan get well soon my friend. Just hate reading some of the sad stories you tell. Which I know they are very true in everyday life. Be strong in all that you do. You are in my thoughts and my prayers. Later Jerry
Posted by Jerry71 | June 17, 2007 1:13 PM
Posted on June 17, 2007 13:13
Bette Middler tells Barbara Hershey in Beaches, "You're not dead yet. Stop living as if you are." And she says out of love.
Posted by Mark | June 17, 2007 3:42 PM
Posted on June 17, 2007 15:42
My dear Jonathan, I do understand, which I wish were not true, but I really do!
I couldn't pen a platitude which you already didn't know, so I won't. I do care, and I do thank you for giving us a peek into the struggles of your mind and heart, for this kind of gift is priceless. I wish I had the strength to do the same, but alas, I seem to be finding far more comfort inside my own shell, and to the extent that it pisses off just about everyone in my sphere, I am just beginning to feel the strength of self worth.
I cannot even help you with your current struggles, other than to say, "my dear, I know, I understand, I been there".
Please take care, and I look forward to your next trot down the literary path.
Love, Tim.
Posted by moffie65 | June 18, 2007 10:45 AM
Posted on June 18, 2007 10:45
Jonathan is way too gifted, brillant, and young to be supported in this self-gratifying pity party.
I was introduced to him here, and knowing he's local, have tried to make contact with him only to have those emails deleted upopened.
We are the same age,in roughly similar boats. And I'll tell you....a bullet to the head would be a lot less messy than what he's going though. Just as my dad did on father's day 39 years ago.
So what....It was his choice, and my family has been picking up the pieces ever since the selfish bastard pulled the trigger.
Jonathan is doing the same thing....Just a little more prolonged and dramatic. I for one don't buy it, and won't RSVP this pity party, anymore than I did my father's once I was old enough to understand his choice.
He's denying us, me, and himself the god given talents he was put here to share. That's bullshit.
SO, you either choose to live, or die, it's just that simple. I for one intend to be around for a very long time, would would suggest that Jonathan reconsider...
Posted by Eric | June 18, 2007 12:31 PM
Posted on June 18, 2007 12:31
If you have been living this long why give up now?
Who knows what is in store for you?
Stop being negative and hopeless!
You have a lot going for you.
You need to realize it, embrace it, and make the best of it!
Not everyones life is perfect, and we all have ups and downs.
I found out I am positive only 3 months ago.
My birthday was 3 months ago, and I am only 19.
I didn't become hopeless! I used it to boost me into doing more for the world, and community.
Johnathan, live life, enjoy each minute you have on earth because you dont know when the last one will be.
xoxo
Jesse S.
www.myspace.com/guardboicuti
Posted by Jesse | June 20, 2007 10:51 AM
Posted on June 20, 2007 10:51
Dear Jonathan,
I suppose I need to tell you keep to fighting but [I think] I understand why you feel this way. I've been poz since about 1987 but never really been sick except from some of the strong meds in the late 1990's. I watch my partner in the early 90's waste away and died. I had other friends and sex partners that have died as well and from some reason I am still doing fine and living. Talk about survival guilt!!!!! My dad died this past March and I already see a change in my mom. They were married for 50 years and I fear this may happen to my mom too. I understand what you are going though with your mom but please Jonathan keep living.I've have read your other blogs and I think you live in Atlanta. I used to live there for over 10 years before I moved to Charlotte. I am planning to relocate back to Atlanta in the coming months and if you do live there I would love to shake your hand and tell you how much I admire you. Please blog again soon.
Tyler...Charlotte NC
dodgeramdude@hotmail.com
Posted by Tyler | June 20, 2007 4:58 PM
Posted on June 20, 2007 16:58
This is the biggest pile of self-serving, crybaby bull that I've heard in years. If you aren't taking your meds you don't get better. Pity parties are for cowards. 23 years with HIV and 2 bouts of opportunistic illness later, I have never missed a doseage and have near normal counts because I'm not swimming in the foul cistern of "poor me"
Maybe people around you would stick around if you didn't foul the air they breathe with your crap and did something productive instead of wallowing in self pity and drama. Quit thinking of how the world stinks and do something to make it better. That will make you better too. This crappy blog just depresses the crap out of anyone with a sense of self.
Posted by Reality check | June 20, 2007 8:11 PM
Posted on June 20, 2007 20:11
We all have to choose to spend life fretting about what has been or what will be but none of it matters - it is all just ghosts. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here just yet. The only thing that is real is now.
Posted by Timothy | June 20, 2007 9:33 PM
Posted on June 20, 2007 21:33
I just wanted to say that God has a plan for you and that He loves you just where you are this morning. I love you too!
Bill
Posted by William Ramsey | June 21, 2007 6:40 AM
Posted on June 21, 2007 06:40
I have been poz now for more than 20 years and been through so many dissapointment and illnesses,but have always tried with everyhting in me to come back fighting for my life. In 2001 I got MAC and it almost killed me ,but here I am today and for a while no meds would work for me. The meds I am taking now have dropped my viral load way down. I have lost both of my parents and it was tough. I have not been sexually active for many years and that is ok with me. I have tried to find friends or even a lover by posting my profile on several different poz sites. I have come to the realize just how hateful most gay men are of who they want to meet or what they expect sexually. So I continue to take my meds and not worry about being with anyone. So what I saying is that when everyhing seems so bad I just focus on what I do have and keep doing everything I can to feel better. Anyway I hope that you realize that at least you have people around that love you and care about your existance, whith is something I don't have.
Posted by Johnny | June 21, 2007 11:18 AM
Posted on June 21, 2007 11:18
Oh, boy, does Jonathan's story sound familiar- I am only recently pulling out of my own downward spiral. It's so common, evidently, as Tolstoy reminded us regarding unhappy families being different in their unhappiness- oh, I guess I am not conveying that correctly, but depression and despair are at the roots of our disfunctionality. Jonathon- I started a new HIV combo May 1st- Mk 0518, TMC 125, Prezista, are brand new to me, and Norvir and Trizivir are helping. I boosted my daily anti-depressant Effexor XR from 150 to 185 mg, I'm taking antihistamines for allergies, and since June 1st I'm suddenly zooming with energy. My first blood test since then revealed CD4s up from 4 to 25, and viral load undectable- first time ever- the first real improvement since diagnosis in 1990 at 600 CD4s. I was plagued with diarrhea for the past twelve years, five to 25 events a day, and lost over 100 pounds- down to 140. I have regained 25 pounds as of today to 165, and I'm out of bed every morning and busy taking care of deferred maintenance chores on my little house and yard. Please, please, don't give up hope- first, treat your depression, second, treat the disease- don't self-medicate with alcohol or substances. If necessary, I have a beer or glass of wine to unwind in the evening, and half an Ambien to help get to sleep without too many plans and thoughts spinning in my head. I'm back in love with life again and my main problem is how to get through more years of disability on fixed income. I have earned this condition- I cared for my mother in her last five years of life, bedridden and depressed over successive deaths of favorite sister and best friend, with surgeries to repair osteoporosis-caused bone breaks. I reconnected with my estranged father in 2000, only to lose him in 2003 from last heart attack, one month after I had bought my first house in Northern California. It was all too much for me, especially after my best animal pal Bart died last summer at 17. I didn't care to live much, and let everything slide over the winter of 2006-2007, and rejected my best friends and alienated everyone else. Today I'm asking everyone for a second chance, and apologizing to all for accidentally poking eyes and yanking tails. It's amazing to be able to make a comeback- aging star or not- we still have talent to share with the world...
Posted by Bill | June 24, 2007 11:49 PM
Posted on June 24, 2007 23:49
Your latest blog brings back so many memories. In '95 I had severe headaches, after several days of pain, vomiting, etc. I went into a hospital in Atlanta. Became unconscious,lost about 20 lbs, and I was already a small guy, was in the hospital over 3weeks, lost most of my vision and a great deal of my hearing due to my brain swelling, and lost about 1/3 of my memory. My doctors didn't expect me to live to go home. I had a feeding tube and a tube in my penis because I was unconscious to do it on my own. I had the same IV in my arm that you have giving me that nasty Amphoterrible as I call it(and it was terrible). However, I slowly got better, with a CD4 count of 4, The doctors were amazed but finally sent me home with an IV and doing infusions everyday. Almost too weak to walk, they told me I would never drive a car again. I had a job that required a lot of travel and I lived alone. What was I going to do?
Since then I have and will take diflucan everyday of my life. I have a relapse about every year & 1/2 since '95. However its been about 3 years now without one. I have had about 55 to 65 spinal taps. I had a life-port implanted in my chest for easier access for the IV infusions
that I did myself. That port stopped working so they took it out and implanted another one on the other side of my chest. I give myself a Procrit shot every other week to keep my red blood count up, and continue to do so today.
I was hospitalized on the day of the 9/11 disaster, with dementia and later became unconscious. Was hospitalized for about 3 1/2 weeks and again, not expected to live but again, I showed them! After the 3 1/2 weeks I came home.
On a lighter side, In 1997 I somehow met the most wonderful man God ever created. He accepts and loves me unconditionally. We had a beautiful civil union ceremony, we honeymooned in Hawaii and he remains to be HIV- so we make sure he stays that way. I retired on disability 8 years ago. I am on my 6th & 7th new car since they told me I would never drive again, and one of them is my first convertible. We bought a new home 3 years ago. We travel as often as possible and just celebrated our 10th anniversary by going back to Hawaii. We have an AMAZING group of friends we consider our family and we have 2 loving little Westies (dogs). I have health problems now and then but nothing serious. They have surgically removed the life-ports so the IV's are discontinued for now. I have NEVER been off of my meds or taken a drug holiday and feel very strongly against anyone ever doing so.
So I just wanted to say I understand what you are going through, However, every challenge is different with every person. And it sounds like you have wonderful friends and family and your way of dealing with your problems is through your gift of writing.
Thats not being a cry baby! Its just your way to vent and everyone has to vent in one way or another.
You are a talented writer, I am not but, I just wanted to let you know things may get worse but
they will probably get better. So keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, and its
not necessarily a train.
Good Luck, take care & keep your chin up my friend and I hope we have the chance to meet someday.
P.S. Your blog is the only one I read.
sunbrnt
"comment"
Posted by sunbrnt | July 13, 2007 6:54 PM
Posted on July 13, 2007 18:54