Jonathan's POZ Blog

Bravo Jonathan.

Jonathan,
There are always going to be people with different experiences and those who need to spit venom at someone being brave by opening up a vein and letting it bleed onto the page. I appreciate your candor, your fears, your hopes and your desires which are all expressed in writing that is always a pleasure to read no matter the subject. Just a little note to let you know that some of use look forward to you and your posts.

Hi Jonathan, i think the fact that the person who wrote is not reachable by email does not affect the right of anyone to speak up their mind, nor the value or lack of value of his/her words.

I try to see it in two ways, perhaps the fact that we are exposed to the view of others, makes them think we should be a bit more optimistic about our approach of living with Hiv/AIDS (imagine if we all would post negative experiences only... ouch )... I guess, people feel the right of asking us to be more optimistic, i guess many know the fact that living with hiv is hard... so perhaps they don't want to see it exposed (even if it is in such personal way like you do which i appreciate).

I know it is none of their business, we are able to post whatever we want and whatever we feel... and i am with you, lately i haven't found much optimistic things to post about... even... i sometimes read my first posts and i wonder.."was i wrong when i posted this?".

Although at the same time, i think.... it is ok to post about sad stuff, the matter is not to remain as sad. Our contribution is not only about showing how real life with Aids is... but perhaps how to handle it the best possible ways. Then it comes to the point that it is not about your posts that people are complaining... but perhaps to your hability of getting over sadness and troubles, or the lack of it. It is not about the writer, but about how the human being is remaining sad for long time and getting everybody worried.

First time i read your post 3 months ago, i worried about you and i wrote... i though you were dying... you took long to post and i though... he died!!! Then you re appeared and i felt better :) and i see you have been up and down... just like everybody else... but perhaps you are mostly down than up these days. Someone commentted your previous post saying he disliked how everybody feels so sorry about you and how they are just being as sad as your posts have been... and i though it might be right, it seems to me sometimes people are really... thinking you are going down....and they think you cannot fight to go out of it, so they say "so sorry...i know it won't get better".

I am not saying you are wrong or the agressive poster is right, i am just trying to broaden the horizont of this specific situation to the point it does not refer to what you write, but to you my friend (even though we don't know each other)... I am just trying to say... perhaps some of us expect more strength from you, or wish you would have it, when others have lost that hope and expect you to fade away.

At the end it is your life, but don't get angry when people don't feel pity for you, or say they don't like your posts, that is something that happens to all of us, what concerns to me dear Jonathan is that i want to see you feeling better, living better, not dying better. Perhaps i think you have been down too long, and perhaps i am wrong. Although in any case, keep in mind we all care about you and want to see you feeling better, i am not happy seeing you sad or feeling bad... therefore i can just say cheer up, find a way out, but please do so... because houdred readers might want to see you living better, and perhaps telling them if they will be able to find a way out too when hard times arrive... while others have lost the hope that you will feel right again.

It is not about the posting or writing.... it is about your life, i can only speak for myself but i want to see you living not dying. I know i cannot make it, but God knows how i wish i could turn your life to the bright side. Can you do that for yourself? and for us? I am not saying of posting optimistic superificial bullshit... i am talking about finding and way out of these hard times.

Hugs,

Hi,

The access to the power of being anonymous reveals the too true nature of many. They use it to hurt and punish others whom they perceive to be deserving of their wrath. It is particularly disheartening when it’s on a site like this one, which is specifically designed to be a support.

Take comfort in the knowledge that those who post their punitive comments say much more about themselves than they say about you. Also be glad that you let them no further into your life than the “DELETE” key.

Looking from the outside, I’d say if you weren’t depressed about how you are feeling, you must be Superman. That being said, for as depressed as you sound, you are still able to write very well. You must know what valuable a skill you have! Go to the library and pick up any number of the books on the bestseller list. You’ll see how shockingly average the writing it.

Like you, I too have longed for the slow and easy coast down into giving up. And I struggle with it depending on how I am feeling. We can’t separate our bodies from our minds no matter how much we try with sex, food, or drugs. Knowing that, the best support I can give you is to remember your mind will feel better once your body feels better. Do everything in your power to get your body to feel better and your mind will follow.

Your medical situation sounds challenging, but not impossible. There is a book that was written a number of years ago that helped me a lot. It is called Healing HIV: How to Rebuild your Immune System by Jon D. Kaiser. You can get it on Amazon.com. You can even read the first chapter there. You can get it used for $4.54!

Read it while you coast. But not down, up.

Jonathan

I appreciate you and your continued support to blogging on this site. I have followed you for only a year now but I appreciate your insight. I am hiv neg but I learn and grow with you in that it teaches me things to do/and what not to do. It helps me understand what its like and continues to remind me to practice safe sex. So thank you. If you can, I would appreciate if you would post your viral load and your cd4 cell count. That way we could track how you are doing. Maybe at the bottom of the emails. Just a suggestions. Anyway, thanks for all your work and your continued support on sharing your story=)

Jonathan,

This unidentifiable person is a looser on sooooo many levels. The way you write is beautiful and raw. It touches something in all of us.

At the risk of sounding sappy, YOUR writing has given me courage to face the day. It wasn’t because you wrote about sunshine, daises and talking meds that work but the fact that you felt sick. How the smallest thing illness sets you back. The thoughts you have as you lie in bed and contemplate tomorrow.

You’ve opened your heart to us all and in turn, some of us have learned to open ours. I look forward to your blogs and to occasionally chat with you online. The way you have opened yourself and laid it all bare, its beautiful.

Bubba hugs!!!
Patrick Calhoun
(Yes, I want you know that I commented on your blogs! You have a place in my heart and my home.)

I posted on the previous blog, and in all fairness, Jonathan did write me back.

And he's right....it's his life, and his AIDS. I spoke about not wanting to watch him self destruct...and as such, this will be my last visit to his blog.

It's become alot like driving by a really horrible traffic accident....knowing you shouldn't look at the blood and gore, but drawn in through your own morbid curiosity.

I lost way too many friends, lovers, and fuck buddies in the 80's and 90's to acknowledge Jonathan's self destructive death-wish.

Honestly, I never came for the "moon-light and roses" of his blogs, but his gifted use of language....the good and the bad. He's right...he has ellicited a response, and lately it's been one of anger from me.

He has way too much talent to not share it...and I always wondered how he was doing when he hadn't posted for weeks on end.

He mentions love....but won't allow many close enough to extend him that privalege. So, out of respect, I wish him well....hope that he can find a reason (perhaps those who read and value his gifts here) to carry on.

I choose to turn my head the other way from the blood and gore, and only hope someone placed the call to 911. I choose to direct my energy where it's needed, wanted, and appreciated.

Peace.

John,
Just stumbled upon your Blog & I'm loving it!
Michael RN, Montclair, NJ

Jonathan,

I really can't put into words what reading your blog does for me. At the risk of sounding all New Age-y (not that there's anything wrong with that!), you live on a deeper level than most people. Not only are you aware of what you feel, you let yourself feel it. That quality is all to rare these days. Simply put, you let yourself be human, present with all the shiny happy stuff, and the heart-wrenching, tough stuff. You live truly IN your life, versus watching from the sidelines. If that makes any sense.

Thanks for this blog.

Marie

Hi Jonathan. Your latest blog entry really made me think and feel A LOT. Sometimes I feel gross from the meds. Could it be my body is slowly giving in? I don't know. Could part of it be I simply can't afford alot of the fancy holistic stuff that makes me feel dandy? But thanks to your honesty and sharing I am moved to be more honest with myself while remaining a positive thinker while staying clear of self-delusions. So please believe me when I say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for being strong and sharing freely with us.

Jonathan-

Excellence is rarely if ever recognized or rewarded as it is being produced. In the flood of mediocre banality that currently constitutes most of what is found on the internet average types find their petty complaints and tedious style of expression compellingly familiar, and therefore acceptable.

But opening up about the reality of life, your life, is unacceptable because it shows their lack of skill in high contrast. Its excellence is considered a threat because there is no way to compete with such talent. It's much easier to criticize you than to cope with their feelings of inferiority.

Such obviously are the the pitfalls of excellence.

Believe me, I've had my fair share of scorn and abuse heaped on me and my own work. I've been insulted personally, my style has been denigrated, my subject matter vilified, my verbiage maligned by those of inferior vocabularies.

I've been called a threat to public health. I've been pronounced a racist and a bigot. I've been described in my own blog as a withering, desperate old man oozing infectious contamination, and I've been labeled a threat to families. Despite my introductory comments warning of the adult nature of my writings, I've been called "vile", "unnatural" and, of course, "depraved" (my personal fave).

I've also been described as a pornographer. This seems especially odd to me. As an avid consumer of porn, I know what it takes to make real pornography work so brilliantly and what makes bad porn so terrible. My efforts are not porn because they explore the mind much more than the body.

But I do explore something one of my greatest heroes Louise Brooks described as "the sexual truth". She once wrote that she was "unable to unbuckle the bible belt" and was therefore unable to express "the sexual truth". None of this stopped her from crafting brilliant essays about film, the nature of celebrity or the triumph of spirit over crushing adversity. She was irascible and loathed by her peers because she was incapable of flattering those who didn't deserve it. Her most brilliant work as an actress was disemboweled by censors and panned by the international press. But it was still considered enough of a threat to merit its being banned by Hitler as "deviant".

Her writing came much later, of course, after twenty years of a haze of alcoholism and neglect. But her mind never dimmed just as her personality never softened. If she had been able to break through the barrier of "sexual truth" I'm certain that her fame would have been greater and her audience wider than the coterie of film students who still read her today.

You write with a different but no less intense version of "sexual truth": It's (for lack of a better term) "medical truth". As such you are an intense threat to anyone in denial about the eventual impact HIV on their lives. You let us into the mind of someone living with AIDS, not just someone living with HIV. You present a mirror that they avoid in horror, as they sincerely wish to live as normal and regular life as possible. The excellence of your writing prevents this denial and soft self-deception.

With all my love and deepest admiration-
Brent

I LOVE reading everything that you write Jonathan, and often find myself thinking about you, wondering how you're doing, and even remembering you in my silent, yet sincere prayers. I so hope that you've managed to read Matthew and Suzy Ward's books by now ... they're as mind blowing and comforting to many, just as your messages are!
Love, light and blessingss always & in ALL WAYS dear one!
@nnie / South Africa

ignore the comments by haterz u show a human touch that being adherent is difficult with any disorder like diabetes or psychiatric illness life long meds including aids is very taxing on indivudal just continue with regular exercise postive frame of mind and keep ur kidney fit through drinking black tea early in the morning and fresh green juices and freshly cut pineapple juice for rejuvenating liver function which r taxed heavily by aids medication.drink water stored in silver or gold or copper metal cups to reduce fever in aids patients.just have positive frame of mind and leave rest to god

I am not a gay man nor living with HIV/AIDS but enjoy reading your blog and hearing your honesty -- I believe your work would help anyone in any challenging life situation. Thanks for sharing yourself.

I am not a gay man nor living with HIV/AIDS but enjoy reading your blog and hearing your honesty -- I believe your work would help anyone in any challenging life situation. Thanks for sharing yourself.

Dear Jonathan,

my name is Jonathan, too (my friends call me Loki, like the angel Loki from movie Dogma), I live with two ferrets called Mäxchen and Gin Tonic in Berlin, Germany and I am HIV positive.
A friend just mailed me the link to your blog and I really enjoyed to read what you have to tell. I started to write my story down as a novel and I know how good it feels to ban everything on paper (or the white sheet on my computer ;-)). You really impressed me with your honesty and I am looking forward to more. If you like to, perhaps you drop me a line via email, it would mean very much to me.
I'm sending you my greetings from London as I am here on holiday with my boyfriend.

Hugs and love,

Loki