Jonathan's POZ Blog

Yes! Right!!!!

hang in there Jonathan! dont throw in your chips yet....I am a single mom still looking for someone to share daily BS with, but so many out there still into the games, the liers and cheats make it look bad for all. but 1 day the 1 will walk into my life I have to believe this, that or go crazy----lol...I know what you mean about being tired, I dont sleep well at night then lay around tired all day long. some of my best times is when I am spending time with my beautifull daughter.I dont have family there for me but then again I never did even before hiv/aids. its a very lonely world with the millions of us out there I cant understand the lonlyness. I do however go into a great chat room, these people have become my adopted family.. if you would like to check it out go to www.hivchat.org have a nice day sweety.

Well, as always, Jonathan, it's good to hear from you. It's now summer '07 and you're still with us. The seasons keep rolling along and so do you. That's a good thing.

robert

Jonathan - this may seem like a very silly question but if you think you may be depressed have you talked to your doctor or a psychiatrist? There are many medications (I know - one more pill) which might, if you chose, improve your mood and your quality of life. I really appreciate reading your words when you post them. Please stay strong and know there are many people who you have never met and never will who are pulling and praying for you.

Sure. :-)

Hey sunshine!!!!

BUBBA HUGS!!!!!!

Patrick

Hello Jonathan-

This is actually the first time I comment on someone's blog. I have to say that it may be because you reminded me of my best friend Oscar. He also tried the putting on a face approach for a while and I really wish he could've talked to me or anyone about it. Maybe then He would have realized that having the support of family or friends can make a big difference. Of course it will not make you feel better physically but the emotional support is I imagine just as important. I lost him in 2005 and I wish that I had pushed a little more so that he would not have been so successful at isolating himself. Try it! Try letting someone know maybe it will help...a little at least. You dont' always have to be the brave one, someone might surprise you and be able to be brave for YOU!

Hi Jonathan,

I read your blogs fairly regularly and was concerned for awhile when I wasn't seeing them. I'm glad you wrote.

I understand your feeling during the very tied stage. I had gone through a very bad spell a couple of years ago (although not as bad as PCP) and was down to only 40% lung capacity and absolutely exhausted. After it was all over and I finally felt well, I told my partner the part that scared me most was that at my sickest, I really didn't care, I just wanted to go to sleep. It wasn't that I wanted to die, because I REALLY like living. But the scare came afterwards when I realized how I felt during the worst part.

I say all of this to say never stop fighting back. The highs are so much higher than the lows and you just have to hang on to get past them. You are an incredibly intelligent, witty, insightful man (not to mention cute!) and I hope to keep reading your blogs, when you feel like writing, for a very long time. You have helped me with your words many times.

Take care of yourself - Tom

Hi Jonathan,

Although I am doing excellent,you are a inspiration to us all.Keep fighting and I will keep fighting. OK dude?! Plus you are a very cute guy! Keep us posted,please!

Tyler.....Charlotte NC

Hello Johnathan,

I have just read your story and I want to tell that I can completely relate to your story. I suffered from the pcp pnemonia that is assoiciated with aids. I can tell you that things get better and you will feel good once again. Hang in there buddy, you can still be a inspiration to others. Take care.

Hi Jonathan,
I haven't followed your blog. This is only the second time I have read it. So forgive me if I tell you stuff you have been told numerous times or isn't relevant

In both entries you are describing your health and begin sick and the symptoms and being sick of being sick. Well I have been there. After I became resistant to every med and started a downward spiral, I would just try to stay alive and wait for the new next drug. Then I would have a 6 month burst of energy before starting the cycle over again for the next few years. Starting one new drug never lasted long in me.

So I have had numerous times of wanting to do nothing by lay around in bed, sleep, certainly not socialize. And when you turn down friends each time they call, eventually, they stop calling. I have been there.

I lived on single digit t-cells for 10 years, and 0 for the last year of that.

I knew if I could hold out that some day I could start 2 meds at once. I happned a year ago. I am healther than I have been in 12 years, and I am undetectable the only time in my 16 years of AIDS.

All my point is that there is hope. The struggle is worth the result. I hope you don't give in.

I assume that you are in good hands healthcare wise. But are you sure the docs are doing all they can for you? Just asking. The drug that kickstart my ass back into life is now approved and sold as Prezista. I wonder if that would work for you. Maybe wouldn't hurt to ask. I'm in a drug trial for a Integrase Inhibiter and it is even more amazing. It will probably be approved soon. Plus I read about any progress I can on meds in the pipe. If none of these can help, don't give up hope. You just have to wait a tiny bit longer.

Yep, I have been there. Lots of us have. But not all of us stay there. And also, you are very lucky to have your friends. They seem wonderful.

Hugs,
Trey

hey Jonathan

I work now for 12 years as a STI nurse in Amsterdam Netherlands and just read your blog.
I’m HIV poz. From 92 and doing great.
Just wanted to tell you hang in there but my primary reason to respond was your line that you had the feeling that you have sand in your eye’s. just want to tell you that this symptom can be caused by Chlamydia if you have it in your body for a while. Sand in your eyes and rheumatism like complaints. So check that out if that is not done yet

Good luck Hugo

Dear Jonathan my heart goes out to you. I will pray that you'll find happiness every single day of your life. God Bless you!

Jonathan,

It’s been 15 months since I met and fell in love with a man, a positive man. The last year plus of my life has included so much education, both in the very pragmatic sense, and while gaining a greater sense of the way life challenges love to survive through so much adversity.

I told myself that (among other things) in order for my relationship to succeed, I need to be wise about my Boyfriend’s life with HIV, and all that can come with it. I set out to find real comments from real people living with the virus, including those battling AIDS. Your blog was the first bit of raw emotion I’ve come across in this big world of digital information – the first that very plainly stated your real and honest feelings about being sick.

I’ve never wanted to hug a person through the internet as much as I want to right now. I am thrilled God brought you those sleepy, furry companions. The innocence in the eyes of animals and their soft touch and admiration can bring so much comfort.

Be strong, laugh and do all you can to preserve that spark, or the occasional bit of buggery. You are a brave man and I admire you.

With love and support,
Another Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,

I really wish you hadn't deleted your last post. It was raw and real and poignant, as are all your entries and it was obviously what you were feeling at that second in time. No reason to be ashamed of that or to hide that.

That said, I have faith that we will hear much more from you. My faith is not the religious sort and it does not depend on idols -- real or imagined -- to exist, thus my certainty.

Be well Jonathan.

Love, A.

PS, there is a line in the poem I stole my domain name from, it's by Milton Acorn, a Canadian like I am. It goes, I shout love into your pain. So, Jonathan, here goes, I shout love into your pain.