Jonathan's POZ Blog

ack, these treatments hurt a lot. Note to self, when dipping down to the twenty-something level of T Cell activity, try not to expose yourself to fungus.

Fungizone sucks. Oh, and Fungizone is a registered trademark. Any use of this word is going to make my drug prices go up. Let's call it Amphotericin B. Nice IV infusion, followed by a RUSH hoem before the high fever and nausua and junk kick in. All to treat a fungal infection, like thrush, only apparently in my brain and spinal cord.

And in the meantime? Fluconazole, the generix anti-thrush medication that, when taken by the fistful, makes you feel fairly bad on its own.

So my depression and frustration and sadness? Might have something to do with the nasty stuff I have had going on in my brain, and in the fascinating treatment used to kill the infection. Cool stuff, all that.

So for at least the next two weeks, I have nasty treatments to look forward to, as well as spinal taps from here till whenever.

I am eating salad and tater tots.

My best friend is sleeping on the futon, being all best friendly. He snores tho, and does not clean up the place. He does, however, take my temperature and make sure I am not going to roast. He also makes dinner and feelds the ferrets and takes out the trash. He also burps loudly, and often, and sometimes blows it on me.

He is also single, guys, so bait your hooks accordingly.

Tomorrow is the 4th. I will spend it on a sabbatical from treatment, and enjoy a quiet day. Except for the fireworks, of course. I will try to make my authentic barbeque sauce for later on in the week (North Carolina Style, basically vinegar and pepper sauce and sugar and a tiny bit of ketchup). Tonight , though, I am sitting on the floor in front of the futon, while my best friend snores on the couch. I am thirty minutes from taking a warm shower and heading to bed.

AIDS? sucks

Life is not so bad. Life is actually good. My Mom is alive and well. My friends love me. My ferrets worship .... well... the beanbags they steal from me... and my world is full of interesting stuff. Need to take those antivirals and get my T Cells back up... give myself a year or so longer on this rock, if that's possible.

Every day is the beginning of a new age. Every landing you walk away from, gives you courage and strength. Every dumb thing you survive is an achievement worth noting. I've survived a myriad of dumb things. Most of them, I started and stopped myself.

Coming in the mail next week? New controllers for my Playstation 2. Thanks to Adam, and his desire to play Mortal Kombat without the necessary pause inherent in sticky buttons. He's a cool guy, a good friend.

He just burped and asked me if it smelled like cabbage. I love my friend.

Ghosts appear and Fade Away
-Colin Hays (men At work)

Benjamin ferret walks with a waddle, dragging his hind quarters a little. He has advanced adrenal disease, and even a melatonin implant does not seem to be quite helping. Surgery would help, but that’s something I cannot afford… and to be fair, something many vets would think foolish on a six year old ferret. He is a trooper though, and whenever he senses I am close, he waddles up to me and assumes the baby position for kisses. Funny how my old man is acting like an infant now, in the twilight of his time on earth.

I suppose we all do that.

I have been sick for the last few weeks. Aw who am I kidding, months. I have finally gone beneath a detectable level of T Cells, and though I have been prescribed a new regimen, I have not taken a pill yet.

This is not slow suicide. This is not a conscious nor an unconscious effort to shuffle off this mortal coil (as coils go, am quite fond). Its just a desire not to feel bad, which despite my IQ and education, remains the primary impetus for all my life’s choices.

Do more stuff that feels good. Less stuff that don’t. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Might this philosophy kill me? Sure. Doesn’t life, as a philosophy, kill everyone eventually? It does. Yes it does. Does too.

Thing is, I like my ferrets. I like my friends. I like my family. I like my life. None of these things are without serious dysfunction. But they are mine to dys-function in. They are mine to enjoy, and cuddle, and call at odd hours of the morning. To be fair, the ferrets usually let me go through to voicemail after three AM or so. Thing is, this is what AIDS is like. It’s what it does. At least, its what it does to me. And this blog is, by it’s nature, AIDS specific.

I have been in isolation mode for the last couple of weeks, getting treated for a fungal infection. And you know something? I kinda dig it. The isolation, not the infection. I kind of like the idea of only a select few people knowing my stuff, only having to explain myself (or the absence of myself) to a few people. Not feeling guilty for the crime of having slept twenty hours.

Benjamin ferret is spry, for an old guy with cancer. He has sores on his belly from the cancer. He sleeps an awful lot. But you know, when he is awake, he is cheerful and fine. He walks around, surveying his domain, putting the upstart Duncan in his place, and making sure that all is still fine in the world he can investigate.

I get that. I do.

I just put my hand down from the futon, and Benjamin crawled up onto it, looking to kiss me. We made out for a moment, then he had other things to attend, and waddled off.

We do that. We waddle off, after touching base with the creatures we love. We let them know, and remind ourselves, that we are all still viable, potent, and alive. And then we waddle off, sores and hormonal rages and sickness carried within us like a potpourri of sickness and death, to investigate and make sure of our worlds. Our worlds might be small, and our sickness might be large.

But we have what we have, and we love whom we love. And our worlds, they are our treasures, our selfish pleasures. We need them for reasons we cannot always articulate. We need to know they are there.

I am lucky beyond measure, because my needs are met. Not my wants, seeing as how wanting to be healthy and without stain are among those wants. But the needs, shelter, food, entertainment, pets. These are here.

These days, that is enough. More than.