Jonathan's POZ Blog

People suck. And I say that because, as people, I suck. Tonight anyhow

So I waited until 1:30 for the guy to call. I spent yet another weekend waiting for a call that did not come. And I spent another weekend listening to music, playing with my ferrets, making the best of a wonderful…. But incomplete life.

I am better than this. Than that. I know it. And finally, after many months, I have the physical strength to realize it.

I should have gone out tonight, gone somewhere, anywhere, nowhere. I should have taken the keys and the car and driven to the edges of my knowledge. I should have made brave, bold gestures to an uncaring world. I should have danced in a club with some beautiful stranger, worrying only at the end of the night of the complications of disclosure and rejection. But instead, those complicated discussions weighed too heavily on me to let me out of the house, and a half-made plan sat me squarely into my chair tonight, like most nights, waiting for a phone call that does not come. Waiting for someone else’s life to filter down until I am on the list of things to do.

I feel that I need more than that. Better.

I hope that this newfound energy is a hint that in the weeks and months to come, I will not be heading futilely towards my own personal Zanarkand. But that I will, out of frustration and pride, be making my own destiny. I am better than this, another weekend sitting and waiting on a phone that does not ring. On gestures not brought to fruition. On moments I deserve, still, yet have not availed themselves.

I am more than the sum of my parts… but even if I am only that, I am still worth knowing. I need to get the hell out of the house.

Allergies be damned.