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I have some kickass candles. And I like lighting them, usually at least one a day (the votives burn for a whopping 12-18 hours each. Seriously kickass). I like the way they smell, I like the soothing nature of the slowly flickering light. I like the gentle warmth that comes out of them. Plus, unlike incense, they don’t leave a sooty black residue all over stuff.
I recently bought a batch from a vendor I encountered on Myspace. Yeah, I know. I haven’t had a proper date in nigh on a year, but my social networking profiles have netted me some primo wax. It’s a topsy turvy world, right? The company, Evening Eclipse, might or might not be one guy and hiss buddies making candles in his basement – or it might be a small shop somewhere off the main road in some city, somewhere. I don’t know, and am not sure I want to know. Thing is, they are really really good candles. They burn almost to nothing (a sign of good wax) and they smell very strongly, all the way down. Only Yankee Candles have gotten close to that quality for me. And these candles cost less. They also have terrific scents like Bat, Vlad, Zombie, Nightmare, and the like.
For someone with an affinity for the dark, that’s pretty cool.
Bat, for example, smells like cool water at the edge of a gloomy forest.
I usually get to choose the colors of the candles I order. I always get a white batch of Bat candles, to differentiate them from the muskier, more patchouli-esque darkness of the “Nightmare” scent (my second favorite so far).
So the white candle was the obvious choice today, for a lot of reasons.
Last night, I went to bed relatively early. Leaving my friend Adam sleeping on the futon, I wasn’t feeling so great. I slept fitfully, having to move around on the bed twice when night sweats drenched my sheets and pillows.
My dreams were strange things, Frank L. Baum as directed by Rod Serling. I dreamed of dark forests, black water not seen, only heard. Rustling leaves, and the feeling of a rough beast, only just out of sight.
It wasn’t a nightmare, oddly enough. There was no terror, no suspense. I simply traveled alongside some unnamed, unnamable creature in a dark wooded place, with the gurgling of moving water to track us both. The breath of the beast came in slow huffs, but I remained unafraid. Intellectually, I knew that at any moment, the worm could turn. I could become the hunted. I would likely stand no chance wee the creature to attack. But it did not, and my wandering self did not have energy for fear. The experience of the journey included the possibility of a terrible demise, and having committed to that chance, I walked the woods.
I woke up slowly, gently at 1:30 this afternoon. I had set my alarm for 1:45 just in case. Turning off the alarm, I rose, padded into the living room. Took my lighter, and set the white votive to burn in the round holder. The flame stuttered for a moment, struggled to find it’s way down the wick to the nourishing wax, then caught true flame.
The smell of leaves, of dirt, of cool water slowly began to waft from the votive. I sat back on the futon, and watched it. Wondered how many other people, across the planet, were lighting a candle at the same time. In memory of a fun, funny, smart, brave woman. A woman who walked the woods years longer than anyone thought possible, with rough beasts all around her.
Who fixated not on the dark and dangerous creatures who walked, stalked her. But rather, felt the crunch of leaves underneath her feet, and listened to the promising rush of water. She agreed to walk, not run. She took fear and turned it into strength. She walked every single step of her journey in a manner than both humbled and inspires anyone who was lucky enough to know her.
And when her journey came to an end, she left a legacy of love, and hope, and courage. Each death diminishes us all. But each death reminds me to live as fully as possible, to walk with my fear, not ignoring the beasts but not letting them dictate my journey. To keep lighting candles, keep loving, keep trying, keep moving, keep caring. Keep crying, when good people fall.
The candle is white, and smells like my dream.
Comments (16)
Brings everything into perspective... Thanks Jonathan.
Posted by skeebo | October 22, 2007 8:41 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 20:41
Thank you for this blog, Jonathan. It's the third time I've cried today; good tears, not bad; in honour and memory of one good friend and in celebration and appreciation of another. Just thank you.
With love and hugs
Debra xxx
Posted by Debra | October 23, 2007 11:33 AM
Posted on October 23, 2007 11:33
I take it this woman == Christine?
Throw me a bone here?
Posted by kb | October 25, 2007 2:21 PM
Posted on October 25, 2007 14:21
Hey Jonathan,
Cindy Kistenberg and I have been trying to say Hi, and that we LOVE your writing.
Laura
Posted by laura lupton | October 26, 2007 10:55 AM
Posted on October 26, 2007 10:55
A beautiful story. Thanks Jonathan.
robert
Posted by robert | October 28, 2007 2:01 AM
Posted on October 28, 2007 02:01
Taking a moment to remember those lost and those of us living - all as one. I will light a candle tonight to further reflect. Thanks for allowing me to walk with you for a moment. I enjoyed the stroll.
Posted by John Paul Womble | October 31, 2007 4:03 PM
Posted on October 31, 2007 16:03
Thanks for your wonderful thoughts. This helped me remember the people I knew who have gone on.
Posted by Al | November 2, 2007 1:03 AM
Posted on November 2, 2007 01:03
Ever since I left for college my mother has a candle lit, for me, and now for all the ones that she loves. I used to think that this was crazy and her dedication not noticed. that was over 20 years ago, not the same candle but the same dedication, and I'm older with and understanding of devotion. A devotion that I wished I had. I light candles but until I have this statement of love, it has a deeper meaning and understanding. One understanding of love, love that is unconditional and unspoken. Thank you for the writing's of your life's experiences. PS- where can I get a candle to last so long so I may make my own tradition?
Hopes of love,
Christopher
Posted by Christopher | November 4, 2007 6:40 PM
Posted on November 4, 2007 18:40
I know its odd, but when I find myself in my own insanity, I sometimes take a step back and think of you.
And then I come here.... and you haven't posted anything! I do hope that its because you are so busy living that you don't have the time to. Goddess knows I know what that's like.
Please be well...
-- an admirer
Posted by kb | November 20, 2007 3:12 PM
Posted on November 20, 2007 15:12
Hey JONO!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Where are you?
Missing you & sending LOVE, LIGHT, PEACE & BLESSINGS until you choose to delight us again with your brilliance!
Hugs,
@nnie
Posted by @nnie | November 22, 2007 4:32 AM
Posted on November 22, 2007 04:32
Me again - just to recommend that you watch 'Bringers of The Dawn' on You Tube sometime Jono.
It's AWESOME!:)
Move love & light,
@nnie
Posted by @nnie | November 22, 2007 5:22 AM
Posted on November 22, 2007 05:22
Hi Jono! MISSING YOU & thinking of you.
Love, light & blessings,
@nnie
Posted by @nnie | December 6, 2007 12:02 AM
Posted on December 6, 2007 00:02
Your silence has been too long my far away friend! Hardly a day goes by that I don't think of you - yeah! you touched my HEART like angels are known to do. :)
I just pray that those 'beasts' didn't get the better of you - I loathe meds of ANY sort & ONLY ever rely on non-invasive, non-painful electrotherapy treatment - it works best for me - so why not?
GEEEZZZZZZ I worry about you now JONO!
Hey! HAPPY HOLIDAYS for YOU, your fury little babas & Mom too!
Biggest HUGS & LOVES from South Africa ...
LOVE YOU JONO!
@nnie
Posted by @nnie | December 19, 2007 12:03 PM
Posted on December 19, 2007 12:03
Jonathan
My thoughts are with you...
Missing you online
Wishing you all the best of the New Year
As Christopher says hope you have been absent because you are living a full life...
All the best...
Posted by R.J. | January 7, 2008 8:29 AM
Posted on January 7, 2008 08:29
Wishing you a HAPPY, HAPPIEST New Year Jono!
MISS YOU HERE ...
Much love and light ALWAYS,
@nnie / South Africa
Posted by @nnie | January 13, 2008 7:22 AM
Posted on January 13, 2008 07:22
STILL hoping to see an update here someday. Where did you go? Cyberspace is much better with you in it.
Posted by an admirer | January 23, 2008 5:22 PM
Posted on January 23, 2008 17:22