Jonathan's POZ Blog

So the ferrets are sitting in a pile. Zachary and Duncan are on one level of the cage. Benjamin is bored, and has curled up in the bottom of the cage. For the longest time, Zachary and Duncan have been watching me, as though I were a rerun of an otherwise interesting television program.

They are bored, but I am what’s on.

I had some plans for tonight, but they all fell through. All my friends are having terrible financial crises, so I suspect that tomorrow, my actual birthday evening, might be a no- go as well. Which is cool. We all have issues, and besides, next week is Mardi Gras, so always other chances for fun times. I love my friends, but I like to think I am sensitive to them as well. It’s just another day, right?

Well, yeah. But still.

What I’d really like is to have a friend come over with a dozen donuts and a pile of DVDs. And to watch a few movies, give me a fierce shoulder rub, then cuddle with me. Alternatively, to get me out of the house, pay for seven strong drinks, watch me flirt shamelessly with strangers, then drag me home and put me into the shower before throwing me into bed; clean, and with little to no memory of the evening.

Honestly, I think the truth will be somewhere sorta close to the middle. My friend will come up and take me to sushi, then hang out at home with a few donuts, and hang out for the evening while I drink four vodka drinks and watch Boston Legal on Tivo before passing out. Whatever. It’s my birthday.

All my friends are in terrible financial straits. And myself, I have a whopping three dollars and change in my bank account until the first of the month. So I am at the mercy of those whom I depend upon from a day to day basis. Oddly, I am doing better than they are. I have, at least, the luxury of spending time alone in my apartment without the need for gas or food (for the moment) .

I spent time tonight hanging out around the ferret cage. I know, I know, I use the poor kids as a scapegoat. But they loved hanging out with me. They loved watching my every move, and jockeyed for position when it came to petting and kissing.

They loved my company, loved hanging out with me, loved getting out of the cage and chasing one another, and attacking my ankles. I lay on my back, waiting for the inevitable attacks and the inevitable counter-attacks, as my body was a battleground for ferret boundaries and ferret affection. I was a Pat Benatar song. And I liked the idea. I have creatures that did not see a birthday or a moment, but simply saw a wonderful opportunity for play and affection.

They love me, not because it’s my birthday but because every day, every moment is an opportunity for celebration. And they dance around me like gleeful Lilliputians danced over Gulliver. I am happy for them, for that. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about the content or quality of the endorsement. It’s simply about the beauty of being loved, of being trusted, of being real. My guys dancing around me, make me real. The make the day special. They have no bills to pay, no bad jobs to overcome, no repossessed cars to recover. There are no free birthday dinners, and no special circumstances. There is only love, and frivolity and kisses and playtime.

That is what I want for my birthday. Playtime with the creatures in my life who love me, who understand me.

Mom is doing so much better. She asked what I wanted for my birthday. I told her that the fact that she was healthy enough to ask the question gave me my answer. I wanted her part in my life to stay the same. I wanted no more loss, no more grief, no more fear, and no more uncertainty. Not this year, please. I wanted my life to be as close as it could be to last year. I wanted no damage, I wanted and want to be able to depend upon my stable set of constants, just for one more year. That ought to do it.

It’s all I want.