June 2008 Archives

I had an ex once who derisively noted that I do not refer to myself as an adult. Grown-up, guy, and a thousand other euphemisms, sure. Thing is, I don’t FEEL like an adult. I don’t feel like authority, or stodginess, or decorum. I rather LIKE wearing hobbit ears and vampire fangs. I really enjoy getting on the floor with the ferrets and becoming their personal dance floor. I like making fru-fru non-martinis on the weekends. I like occasionally shaving my head (though it looks awful) and I like learning new stuff. I like Googling everything from quantum physics to Match Game bloopers. I own six… maybe seven… different Star Trek uniforms, and have zero compunction to wear them. I own maybe two neckties. Why am I saying all this?

I spend so much time babysitting my HIV, I sometimes forget what astonishingly good fortune I have. I have a mom who is smart and funny and wise, with whom it is not uncommon to have hour-long phone conversations. My friends Adam and Richard are spectacular, even occasionally humiliating themselves by wearing Renaissance Garb while I cavort around the fair as a hobbit (to his credit, Richard cuts a VERY handsome figure in his Ranger outfit. I am just saying). We talk every day, sometimes for hours. We have dinner at least a couple times a week. They are truly the coolest people. And they will not let me fall, no matter how much I wriggle.

And in LA, my friends there are just as golden. A few times a week, we sign online and play Dungeons and Dragons with each other in real time with folks from Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and all across the country. We have amazing fun for hours and hours., and none of my friends, whether they live on this side of town or the other side of the continent, end a phone conversation without saying “I love you.”

Being well and truly loved is a gift And I am the luckiest guy in the world to have found it. Its been a great ride so far, and I am motivated to continue the journey a while longer. It’s a good planet, all things considered. Many people suck, usually the people in power. True. And the quality of food is seriously hit or miss.

But the sex is usually really fun. The companionship is first rate. The backrubs are without peer. The intellectual and philosophical conversations are worth the price of admission, and the rush of wind against my glowing face is something that, when I pass beyond this plane, I will cheerfully take with me to the stars.

I think about HIV every day. Aches, pains, fatigue, pills, financial junk. It’s really impossible to compartmentalize it. But it does not singularly define me. It often frustrates me. It sometimes makes me angry. But it is not my identity. And as long as I can help it, I will eschew the label of adult. I’m still new, and I still have lots to learn and do.

Looking forward to doing more of it.