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I had an ex once who derisively noted that I do not refer to myself as an adult. Grown-up, guy, and a thousand other euphemisms, sure. Thing is, I don’t FEEL like an adult. I don’t feel like authority, or stodginess, or decorum. I rather LIKE wearing hobbit ears and vampire fangs. I really enjoy getting on the floor with the ferrets and becoming their personal dance floor. I like making fru-fru non-martinis on the weekends. I like occasionally shaving my head (though it looks awful) and I like learning new stuff. I like Googling everything from quantum physics to Match Game bloopers. I own six… maybe seven… different Star Trek uniforms, and have zero compunction to wear them. I own maybe two neckties. Why am I saying all this?
I spend so much time babysitting my HIV, I sometimes forget what astonishingly good fortune I have. I have a mom who is smart and funny and wise, with whom it is not uncommon to have hour-long phone conversations. My friends Adam and Richard are spectacular, even occasionally humiliating themselves by wearing Renaissance Garb while I cavort around the fair as a hobbit (to his credit, Richard cuts a VERY handsome figure in his Ranger outfit. I am just saying). We talk every day, sometimes for hours. We have dinner at least a couple times a week. They are truly the coolest people. And they will not let me fall, no matter how much I wriggle.
And in LA, my friends there are just as golden. A few times a week, we sign online and play Dungeons and Dragons with each other in real time with folks from Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and all across the country. We have amazing fun for hours and hours., and none of my friends, whether they live on this side of town or the other side of the continent, end a phone conversation without saying “I love you.”
Being well and truly loved is a gift And I am the luckiest guy in the world to have found it. Its been a great ride so far, and I am motivated to continue the journey a while longer. It’s a good planet, all things considered. Many people suck, usually the people in power. True. And the quality of food is seriously hit or miss.
But the sex is usually really fun. The companionship is first rate. The backrubs are without peer. The intellectual and philosophical conversations are worth the price of admission, and the rush of wind against my glowing face is something that, when I pass beyond this plane, I will cheerfully take with me to the stars.
I think about HIV every day. Aches, pains, fatigue, pills, financial junk. It’s really impossible to compartmentalize it. But it does not singularly define me. It often frustrates me. It sometimes makes me angry. But it is not my identity. And as long as I can help it, I will eschew the label of adult. I’m still new, and I still have lots to learn and do.
Looking forward to doing more of it.
WTF??? Jonathan????!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Looking forward to doing more of it."
...and I am looking forward to doing more with you, Jonathan! You have kept me grounded in uncertain times and made me want to do things for other.....specifically for YOU.
As I told you this past week, you made it happen that we would meet and I consider that the best thing you have ever done for me. I am touched by you each day whether by thoughts in email, via phone, or better yet in person.
For those of you who have not met Sir Jonathan, imagine your best friend...and add some best.
Good day to you, great one!
Jonathan
If "growing up" means losing the sweet voice you have...than never do it...remain the sweet loving lost boy you are, forever in Never-Never Land...forever hanging on to a spirit of joy and love...You continually bring a smile and chuckle to my face and remind me how much fun life can be in the face of pain...lots of love...
Jonathan, I think of you often; you can't imagine how much we all miss you in the forums.
It isn't the same anymore, but what is these days? Hope you get your meds/ the MAC thing straightened out and taken care of....I worry about you so.
From a friend who loves you very much, in the state "next door", Alabama....
Alan
jonathan ur comment aboutaches pain fatigue,fatigue is probably caused by sedentery lifestyle vigourous exercise like walking 10 miles a day is good for the health and to cut out colas tea,meat salt ,sugar fried oily food like fries,smoking ,alcohol just green juice diet bread with onions should rid the body of fatigue ur liver is very weak plus some anemia due to spleen weakness .just drink 2 spoons of vinegar morning evening to cut out body pains clean hand with antebacterial gel prior to eating food plus prayers every evening morning for gods blessing.ice compresses on head to make u more adherent to meds to conquer low depression sufferred by most gay men the nervous system in the head of gay men is weak ice therapy should increase blood supply to the nerves in brain conquering low mood god bless us every day he gives good luck
I want to "echo" Richard's comment.....although I don't know you personally, you have touched me through your blogs...so glad you are feeling better!
Hey Man-boy-pup:
Just discovered your blog. Fantastic writing, so will be reading them all.
Luckily myself poz since 81 (discovered in frozen blood from another study I was in then), pretty much non-progressor, just on meds now 5 years. But did loose the fantasy love of my live 4 yrs.ago. He was 32 and was resistant to all meds. So very initmately feel for the trips you have to go through.
If I were closer, would definitely do what I could to make your life better-including ferreting out your libido! Also an artist of sorts, and it is a mainspring of so much! And know how important it was to make sure Brian knew how sexy and fun he was, no matter any particular ravages of mind and body he was experienceing! So I also wish that for you. -
OMG! How on EARTH did I miss this BARRAGE of superb letters JONO?
This is SUCH A TREAT - like THANKS GIVING (even if we don't celebrate American heritage down here in South Africa!).
Hey! Count me in too please - LOVE YOU JONO! :) I also can't help loving your dearest Mom, Richard & Adam & all your precious friends close & afar who keep you high spirited & entertained & most of all, ALIVE, alive with your vibrance, awesome humour & BRILLIANCE! Geeezzzzzz how I both love & ENVY your GIFT with the pen ... well ... keys in this instance. :)
JONO, you are SUCH an inspiration, such a remarkable example of that most rare species "A TRULY NICE PERSON" ... and I THANK YOU for just being YOU!
Love, LIGHT & abundant blessings always & in ALL WAYS,
Your South African friend for LIFE!
@nnie
ps: @nnie46664 on You Tube - the one with the BIG MOUTH! :))))))
Hey, I read your blog and it really cheered me up! Good luck to you!