Subscribe to this blog's feedBenjamin ferret doesn't care much, anymore.
I wake him up from deep sleep, and all he wants to do is crawl on my chest and lick my nose and mouth. It seems to give him joy, so I let him. He is amazingly gentle and never nips. And sometimes, is so overcome by his moment of contact that he draws back from licking me, and licks his lips with his eyes squeezed tightly shut, a ferret sign of rapture.
But when I let him out to play with the others, there is not so much joy or interest. He wanders the apartment for a little while, then finds a piece of cloth on the floor or spends time opening the animal carrier in the corner, and goes to sleep in the sleep sack I leave there for him. The world passes him by, and he does not seem to care very much, any longer. He is no pain, that I am aware of. He just gets tired, and just feels old. Transparent.
Tonight, I find one of his old toys in the corner. An old plastic wrapped toy from a Happy Meal I bought for the purpose of giving him a “treasure” to steal and stash. I locate Benjamin, asleep in a sack in the cage. I wake him up a little, giving him a rub and a gentle petting. He reaches out his blind head, pointed roughly in my direction. I rattle the toy, in the irresistable plastic bag. He sniffs it, for a moment. Then turns his head and lays back down, unconcerned and disinterested. I place the toy on top of him, so that he would have to move it. As I write this, I look over at the cage. It is unmoved. Once his greatest treasure, it is now a thing which holds no interest, no love, no need.
I will move it for him, before I go to bed.
I grieve, not for the great deaths, but the little ones, when I see that life holds no real challenge nor treasure for the ones I love. And for the Jonathan who foolishly thought that things, treasures, trinkets, would make an enduring difference. People die. Mom is fading, slowly. My pets are aging. And things I once thought irreplaceable now seem like clutter.
I love my Benjamin, and he loves me. But I used to think that love was enough, would always be enough. For a person to stay, for a parent to live, for a pet to thrive.
It is not. Love is wonderful, powerful, magical. But the world continues to turn, and things change. They fade. Loss comes bundled with love, like unwanted software. And we are incapable of doing much about it, except accept it's inevitability and adjusting to it. There is no choice, except our own death. And that, I am not ready for.
Benjamin makes a small noise in his sleep. I wonder if he dreams of treasures, of chasing bugs, of stashing and stealing crinkly things. He wakes up, and I go to him. He walks to me, unsteadily, in the cage, sightlessly bobbing his nearly bald head to looks for me. I open the door, and kiss his nose. He responds with enthusiasm, for a minute. Then sighs, and curls back into a ball. I am all that's left for him,all that he really cares about. I dare not think what will happen when I, when love, is no longer enough. And there will come a time when it won't be.
I want to embrace the future, I do. I have a high CD4 count and low viral load, miracles from the new meds considering my hospitalization a couple of months ago for dangerous respiratory illness. I need to plunge ahead to a brave new world, in which I am newly healthy and hearty. I want to do these things, yet feel afraid because it means I also recognize a mother who is elderly, and frail. Pets who are sick, and closer to death. And a life in which I find myself increasingly uncomfortable. Change, as I read on the news, is in the air. And I suppose we have to take the bad with the good. I wish the good were a little more apparent, and a little less.... laboratory in nature. What I feel, is that my strength is returning. What I see, is that Benjamin continues to wither, as does my mom, as does portions of my life which used to contain all there was of me. And now cannot.
Not sure where to go from here. Not sure how to move. But feeling as though it's going to happen, with or without my direct participation. And I would rather be steering this ship than be under the ship.
Jonathan...my heart goes out to you...watching another losing hope is hard enough, but to begin losing your own makes each day heavier...Love is so powerful, it can do such amazing things and make us bear the hardest of circumstances but we do grow tired of hoping and trying...know that in cyberspace you are loved...a big hug to you and all your furry friends...
Jonathan...my heart goes out to you...watching another losing hope is hard enough, but to begin losing your own makes each day heavier...Love is so powerful, it can do such amazing things and make us bear the hardest of circumstances but we do grow tired of hoping and trying...know that in cyberspace you are loved...a big hug to you and all your furry friends...
Hey JONO ... have you given any thought to the notion that these 2 great loves of yours may have been 'hanging in' there, injecting themselves daily through whatever means worked for them ... maybe prayer during their waking moments ... maybe dancing with angels in their sleep ... maybe both - there are countless possibilities ... anyhow, maybe ultimately to ensure that they were there for YOU when you once started 'drifting' afar ... but now that you're BACK & stronger than ever, they may just feel the desire, without intentionally hurting you or causing you further pain, to move on to those in greener pastures and where they know without doubt, that one day, a long, long time away for those of us in 3rd density existence, you'll ALL be reuinted in your most perfect, young bodies again. :)))
There is no death ... it's a rebirth that we all have to experience one day ... it's merely going HOME!
You look after yourself, eat well & give Benjamin one of those nosey-kisses from South Africa.
Love you ALL!
@nnie :)
Jonathon,
Your view is wise. I was truly moved by your words. Having lost both my parents, and numerous beloved furry beings, I know too well the emotional soup all this can stir up. Pets have an amazing and powerful effect on our lives. I wish you well in dealing with these dual intense issues. Your words indicate that you will survive them, and thrive from the experience.
-Dave
Johathan,
I read your insightful writings often and this one really tugged at my heart strings. Having a loving partner who is also positive and 2 loving cats, I can't imagine losing any of them - but as you so clearly stated - live is fleeting and love is not enough. Really love how you can see the forest for the trees. Congrats on your new-found health!
Johathan,
What you wrote is so touchy!! I felt similar grief many times!! Yeah, what can we do, we should accept it. But there is one thing that I keep in mind when such feelings came up in my mind, that is the affirmation of the presence of God. Believing in God makes life to be changed and makes us brave and healthy. May be it is time to start loving God, He will lit all the light for you. Start praying!!! May God bless you!
Jonathan: A touching narrative; one we all go thru to some extent. Remember you would have experienced all of these emotions if were you not POZ. Your pet(s) would still age and pass on, as will your parents and friends from many things other than AIDS. One day, without ever developing AIDs, I too will die from heart disease, cancer, or being hit by a bus. This is the tapestry of life. The key is to keep weaving your story. Reach out to reaffirm your life and the new life that replaces those that have passed before us. The road is long but need not be unfulfilling. As you get physically stronger, be sure your spiritual side remains as strong or grows along with your physical presence, in any form you are comfortable with. There are still so many things for you to discover, friends to make, passions to expose yourself to, people and pets that need your love. Give of yourself and your rewards will be priceless. Life is for the living, your pet still feels your warmth,even if he doesn't move, your Mom still feels your love, even if she does not respond. You love and are loved. May peace and contentment fill your heart.
EVERY ADULT in the WORLD needs to listen to last week's PODCAST Episode 8:
"From AIDS Nazi to AIDS Skeptic". www.howpositiveareyou.com
They'll realize that the whole HIV & so-called AID$ $CAM is nothing short of calculated GENOCIDE + an entire INDUSTRY making loads & loads of money!
It is UTTERLY DISGRACEFUL, & to think that this BLATANT LIE has lasted over 24 years is absolutely UNBELIEVEABLE!!
It all saddens me beyond comprehension & naturally, also sickens me at the same time ...
Love, light & TRUTH!
@nnie :(
www.aliveandwell.net
www.helpforhiv.com
Its a strange world isnt it.?
Despite our personal pain or death in the family -the world keeps on turning.or am I strange and the world(and people) is only doing what is natural.
Ive come to the conclusion that if I die some will hurt for a while but the world will continue and I will be relatively forgotten.
So I have decided that the only thing i can do is enjoy all of my life as much as possible bacause it all that really matters.Im going to savour the admiring stares from my doggies, and the exited hello's when I return from work, and the funny comedies on telly.
Should I be trying harder to be remembered?
and am I being selfish?Johnathan, your blog really makes me think too much!
Is benjamin dying of old age? I can only think that from his point of view-he is lucky to have been your favourite ferrety friend!
Jonathan,
You are experiencing the natural and cyclical aspects of life. I suppose the human side of our nature just have to visit present and past conditions of our existence which makes us reflect about our life. When my mind goes to the losses that I have had of family and friends, I just tell myself not to go there and to thank THE CREATOR for my life as it enfolds. Remember the words of the Desiderata or these words 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference'. I wish you all that you wish yourself, Peace and Love.