Home for the Holidays

I really do like this time of year.

Actually, from October through January, it is a fun time to be alive. Halloween offers pumpkins, the coolness of the spooky, and the first taste of cold weather. Thanksgiving offers food, friendship, the family we choose. And Christmas/Solstice is, for me, an excuse to bake and share the stuff I make. And to examine my life, figure out what is working, what is not. And make changes accordingly

A terrific lady from the ferret shelter just left my place with her arms loaded with cheerios bars (three kinds) and about 36 cupcakes. She is having some sort of gathering with the kids she teaches Sunday School to (lesbian Episcopalian, which is cool) and I offered to supply.

Unable to stop, I just took a pan of banana nut muffins from the oven, and put in a pan of brownie bites. My neighbors love me, and my friends all put on weight this time of year.

It's odd, because I really do not have all that big of a sweet tooth. I just like the way the palce smells when muffins are baking, or cookies are baking. And it sounds corny, but I get a kick out of doing stuff for people around me, when I can. And now, with new energy, there are new opportunities. Plus, my cabinets have been full of flour and sugar and cocoa and stuff for ages. Just waiting for me to get better, to get back to the business of liviing.

Though I have had this longing lately to meet new people, bring new friends into my life, I have been very cautious about who I am choosing to let in. I have been out of the world for a long time, and I distrust my ability to handle crazy with grace and style. And one thing I have noticed, there is never, ever a shortage of crazy in this world.

I have been lucky, being a member of the ferret shelter, to meet some people who are crazy in a nice and loveable way. Luckier still to have kept my friends in LA with whom I play online D&D. Grateful for a terrific relationship with my Mom. And having Adam and Richard in my life is some sort of magnificent honor. Such great people, such good people.

And I have a goal for next year... and to be fair, for the years to follow, if possible. To keep the great people I love in my life, and add more great people when possible. Also, to re-evaluate the relationships that don't seem to be working out.

I am going home for the holidays, with Richard. Adam is going to look after the ferrets (and to be fair, spend an awful lot of time at my place, web surfing and eating the stuff in my refrigerator). The three of us are going to redefine the holiday, after a disasterous attempt last year to make an old fashioned Christmas with my estranged brother and his family.

This year, no such outreach will be made. No drunk arguments, no wasted food, no crying when people do not show up. This year, we will make thai food, italian food, anything but traditional fare.

Because this year, it is important for us to be the family we choose to be, and not the one we feel obligated to endure.

We will likely go see a movie or two, play cards at night, go wandering the mall, take walks in the unbelievably lush backyard where I grew up, and bask in each other's friendship and love. That's the plan, anyway. Especially the basking.

And when I come back, I will begin the task of doing what I have put off for so many year, arranging my thoughts and essays and stuff into a workable book. I think it's possible. And probably long overdue.

And I will be blogging from time to time, most likely. I opened an account at http://jkinatl2.livejournal.com - and that's where I think I will be spending my words, with the occasional reflection on my myspace page. Oh, and give me a week or three to start blogging again. I have hundreds of photos left to digitize for Mom's gift, and cookies and pies and muffins to bake before the holidays. Miles to go before I type.

You ever notice that, when someone stops regularly blogging here, they slowly (or rapidly) drift to the bottom of the pile? I sort of like that idea. I was taking out the trash tonight, and stepping through the soggy leaves on the sidewalk. It had been raining. While I walked back from my errand, I felt a gust of wind, saw the trees shiver, and watched as a few leaves slowly drifted down from the branches. Dignified, gentle, almost grateful that their work sustaining the tree was done.

I feel the same way. It's sad, and scary to say goodbye to a tree which has nourished me for so long. But sometimes, it's just time.

So I will gently drift, buffered by the wind, until I reach the bottom, the earth. There is something noble about that, something pacific. The leaves that fall are not, after all, finished with their duty to the tree. They decay, and nourish the earth.

I hope that, in a small way, my words here have been of some use, and will continue to be of some nourishment so long as they remain here on this site.

For anyone who has read my blog, I am grateful. For those who gave me this platform, I am even more so. You guys have provided me a voice and a lifeline when I have needed it the most. Now, with these new drugs, this new energy, this new direction, this new incentive, I am off to an undiscovered country. I am not sure when or if I will return to this place.

Mainly because where I am going is completely off the map. Scary stuff, that, what with all the "here there be dragons" stuff and all. But mostly exhilarating, with just enough sadness to compel me to go full throttle.

Each and every one of you who have HIV, or love someone with HIV, or care about this pandemic, rock. Even those of you who honestly hate me with a passion. because passion is energy. And energy is fuel.

Second star to the right, then straight on till morning!

Fondly

Jonathan
http://jkinatl2.livejournal.com