Lisa's POZ Blog

I belly up to the computer desk today with ambiguous feelings.
Over the last couple of months, I have realized some fairly heavy facts. While I have known all along that I have been suffering with ostensibly, what we have characterized as “brain fog” many times in the forums. I can remember many a time that we have had illuminating discussions, and compared notes on what anecdotal trials we have employed over the course of time. Once, a long time ago, a few of us were giving Alpha Lipoic Acid a good college try, but I truthfully never got any measurable benefit for myself.

I have rather been insidiously declining over the course of several years, only with a more notable momentum in the last few months. After years of complaining about my symptoms, the nice little neurology boy (I swear he looks like he’s twelve), finally threw me a bone, and apprised me of the fact that he had at last concluded that I have “HIV Dementia”

The story has since taken a twist to its plot. A couple or so months ago, I decided to do a smidgen of research, aside from what I had been able to glean from our site.
Complete streams of thought go poof, I lose words mid-sentence, and couldn’t tell you what I did yesterday much less this morning. It is incredibly frightening, because I still have access to my intelligence, and realize that this is so not going anywhere soon. The new thing that has been happening infrequently, is inability to swallow sometimes. I have to stop completely, take a breath, and concentrate really hard in order for it to happen. Just an interesting tidbit for your edification.

I always had it in my mind that some of the articles I’ve read over time have intimated that things can be all cool again, ‘cause we have these drugs that cross the blood brain barrier. Neato….. …… so all I have to do is be faithful with my drug regimen, and things will be peachy. Unfortunately the damage was done way before I was changed to the current regimen that contains AZT. Just yesterday I saw an article on our daily news thingy, that says not only does the virus directly impact the neurons, it also keeps your body from utilizing the available auto-stem cells for reparation.

Bottom line is, it is doubtful that I will ever regain the aspects of my brain/personality that have been lost. My spontaneity has all but left me, my sense of humour is significantly stunted.
Talk about a joy-kill!
But worse than that, is the knowledge that I know it is happening, and I can’t really do anything about it. I really miss me. Very much.

There is some literature that purports using Ritalin is sometimes useful, but I cannot gain access to it to find out. Even if I could get boy-wonder to prescribe it, I couldn’t afford it. Hell, I can’t afford anything at this moment in time.

Wish I owned stock in the Post-it company, as I leave little love notes to myself in some pretty strange places. Despite the notes, I still can’t figure out why I felt it necessary to write it in the first place.

I am really afraid of my up-coming adventure to San Francisco, but am quite pleased to have my friend Jerry to hold my hand. I am actually fearful of becoming lost in the airports. There is also mounting concern about my ability to remember the names of the newer faces I am going to kiss, and romp with.

I will proffer this example; I pulled up the forums yesterday and did some reading. I found one thread that piqued my interest, and before I could pull up the reply screen the whole thought was completely gone. I cancelled the window, and took another five minutes to even find the thread again.

This is some scary shit.

When I become a doddering idiot will I even know the difference? Deep huh?

Today is a complete bust. A total aids day. Nothing specifically wrong, just kinda feel crappy all around. Walking around the house in circles. Not knowing what it was that I was going to do in this room when I get there. So I go back to the room I started in, just to see if the idea will come back.

I think my success rate ranks in the low end of forty percent of the time, but I can’t remember for sure. Just another aids day.

The cool part is, that tomorrow I won’t remember it.