Subscribe to this blog's feedI went out on a date.
I responded to an ad on Craig’s List “men seeking women.” I liked what he had to say, he made me laugh while reading his ad and most importantly, he WAS NOT HIV+. He had his picture posted, not someone I would normally date, but hey, what’s normal for me anymore?
He answered my email and we started chatting via instant message. After about 10 minutes of chatting, I typed “there’s something you need to know about me.” I typed out the following:
“I was diagnosed in February of 2006 as HIV+, I was infected by my boyfriend of 3 years, I am healthy, on no medications, but it’s something I wanted you to know up front, before we go any further”
Him: “You’re joking right?”
Me: “Ah, NO, HIV is not something I joke about, but you are my first foray into the dating world, and you are negative, so I wanted you to know up front so you can make an informed decision”
Him: “WOW!”
Me: “Yeah, it’s deep I know. Hey, let me give you a website to go to you can read about it, and get some information. You marinate on it for a while and get back to me with any questions you might have and let me know if you want to go forward with meeting ”(I gave him the Lessons link on AIDSMEDS)
I logged off and the next day he sent me an email saying that he had read the lessons, and also talked to his doctor and he really wanted to meet me and he had “marinated” on it and was “down for whatever happened.”
We made plans to meet a few days later.
We met at a little dive bar in my neighborhood. I got there first and sat at the bar, looking around to see if he was there. I ordered a drink and before I even finished it, the bartender handed me a “chip” and said the guy at the other end of the bar bought me a drink. I was like “who?” Turns out it was him.
He walked up to me, wearing a hat, which I immediately commented “how was I supposed to recognize you?” He sat down and there was IMMEDIATE chemistry. OMG! He had tattoo’s everywhere, piercings, shaved head, as my friend Shane would say “he was quite a snack!” We looked very mismatched. Here I am, the little jewish girl, dressed up all cute, and here he was a total rough neck, not my typical date.
We had some drinks and talked effortlessly. As the night progressed, he leaned in a kissed me. OMG it felt good. I LOVE KISSING and had missed it so much. But, more importantly, he was NEGATIVE and kissing ME! Woo Hoo! I’m normal again!
That one kiss turned into a very intense make out session right there at the bar. I’m pretty sure we did everything possible without having sex! Not going back there anytime soon that’s for sure! I think at one point I was straddling him, while wearing a skirt, at the bar. The visual now makes me shudder but at the time, had he said “meet me in the bathroom so I can bend you over the sink” I would have been like “Meet you? Shit, let’s go now!”
The night ended and we parted with another intense kiss and promises to see each other again VERY SOON.
The next day I dropped him an email saying that I had a great time and looked forward to seeing him again. No response. In fact, no response for the rest of the week. I was like WTF? I was devastated. We had chemistry! We made out, his tongue was down my throat…………I was confused. Two weeks passed and no email, no phone call, no nothing.
I finally saw him online one evening and sent him an instant message saying:
“I haven’t heard from since we saw each other and I can handle ANYTHING as long as it is the truth. I really thought that you and I had chemistry. Can I please just have the courtesy of you telling me what happened?”
Get ready………..here it comes………
His response:
“Hey, sorry I haven’t gotten back to you, I don’t like confrontation. After you and I had made out so intensely, I got really freaked out. I ended up going to Urgent Care the next day because I thought you might have given it to me”
My response:
“Well, thank you for your honesty. Just so you know, you can’t get it from kissing, toilet seats or hugging, but I understand your fears. I’m just glad to know it really wasn’t about me”
Thing is, I equate NORMAL as being HIV negative. Being out with him made me feel “normal” and damn it felt good. It felt normal.
I met a very handsome man in my group who is positive and he really liked me, but when he and I had coffee, all I kept thinking is “he has HIV too” and if I were with him, then I would really have to admit I have IT too and that’s not normal for me right now.
Most of my positive friends only date other positive people saying it is much easier. My comment to them has always been, “why limit yourself and assume that people won’t understand and accept you for you?” Now I know why they do it, because being HIV positive just isn’t NORMAL.
Hey I met a guy the same way. He came all the way to Charleston SC to date me. I thought he was so fine and I had schooled him on the total HIV thing. Well, he was perfectly ok with it till he came to the clinic I work at and freaked out. He thought he had caught it by sitting next to a client who (was not positive) and got tested. I made a PPT and sent it to him, I have never heard from the babe since, I too recently met a man on here in Minnesota who is poz and we will meet up next week up there in Coooold country. EL
Wow. I was gutted at his response. He sounded layed back too.
Rich
I'm enjoying your witty blog. I went through all the disappointment of dating for a long time and one day had an "ah-ha" moment (similar to yours) when I realized that HIV- guys would never accept me as normal, even though I felt quite normal. Felt I deserved to be appreciated beyond HIV; had lots to offer. It was hard. Then one person came along who was BRAVE enough and CARING enough; happened to be HIV-. We have been married (!) for 3 years now. I still catch my breath/feel amazed that someone actually saw ME; beyond the HIV. Finally, after almost 10 years of being HIV+ and alone. He's an exceptional man in many ways. So, keep looking for that nice date, nice boyfriend (it's tough, believe me, I know).
Lisa,
The more I read, the more I have to pinch myself! I was on a second date and was just trying to find the right words and the right time to tell her I was Poz. Next thing you know, we are on the way back to her house and we get in the living room, kick back on the couch, and now I said look, I need to tell you, I am HIV positive. She looked at me and said "come on, a nice Jewish guy like you"?? Well, with that, I told her she needs to sleep on it (alone) and let me know. Needless to say, she must still be sleeping!
I think we all can relate. Never settle for less than you deserve, and never be ashamed of who you are! Just be yourself! Keep up the great work.
Stuart
Hi, I am doing research for a senior paper and I am doing on the medications for HIV and AIDS. I happened upon this website and your blog. (IT was on the front page and I wanted to read it).
As an HIV- person, I wanted to leave my remarks so that maybe you could get some sort of insight... well, i can't say that i in anyway represent every HIV- person let alone HIV- MEN, but... i think it would be very hard... If I were dating someone... it would always be in the back of my mind. I know you can't get it from kissing and all that other stuff... but it would always be there.
And I would know that I would never be able to be intimate with the person..... even if i loved them beyond belief. If the man that i loved with all my heart was HIV+ i know that it could never be complete with the intimacy.
Believe me, I know that sex isn't everything, but it is something... and making love means something. And I would continue to think about that kind of thing until i would give up on the relationship.
And if it never even got to the part of love.. if it was just sprung on me.. I wouldn't know what to do to be perfectly honest.
I think that maybe HIV- people stay away from dating HIV+ people because we don't know how we would handle it. And just because you have HIV it doesn't mean you don't have feelings... and well, if people have any good in them... they don't want to hurt those feelings... and what if "we" messed up by saying or doing something... you know.
I may sound like a horrible person... I hope that you don't get that from me.
Maybe this cleared something up for you.... i hope so.
God Bless.
Lisa - What a horrible first experience with a negative guy. I've been there before but haven't let it stop me from dating others. Fortunately I eventually found the right guy and guess what... he's negative. I know you will find the right guy too. You're too f***ing cool not to :)
I met the man of my dreams, after dating for four months we decided to take the next step to intimicy. We began having sex (safe sex)-- completely inlove. After going to have his HIV test he asked me about my last test and I told him that I would go get tested again so we could continue our relationshp and possibly even have unprotected sex. We are monogamous. I had been without sex for nearly a year before him and I had been in a relationship before that. I tested Pos. I was crushed. I told the man of my dreams and we are still together. we even had sex after I told him. We haven't had sex since. We are in a same sex relationship. We are both closited decent men. I would like to know some resources to tell him about to help him feel impowered. I love him and I know that he loves me. I know that he is also afraid as am I. I am without counsel cause I cannot tell my familly, aside from him and my healthcare providers NO ONE ELSE WILL KNOW. Help this young couple (he's neg and a top)
Hi Lisa & congrats on your blog
I really like how you put yourself out there in your honest writing.
I also had a similar experience.... but it ended very differently. I have been diagnosed on 27.12.05, my then-boyfriend immediately left me (and threw out my clothes; I did not get it from him or give it to him but that is a different story) & on 3.2 I had to go look for a place to live (because I was scheduled to move in with said guy) and I met the love of my life.... I ended up calling him and asking him out! We went out for a couple weeks, not kissing, no nothing, and then I told him, we were friends for a few more weeks but sometime in April last year we kissed and since May we are a couple, and we are really in love and we plan to move in together and have kids and visit each other's countries (we are both foreigners living in Holland).
Why do I write this, not to brag of my immensly good fortune, trust me I know it is luck and I know what deep loneliness is, but to say that when you meet guys online, and when you make out on the first date, in public, sorry if it sounds preachy but I have been there myself many times, and when the guy is so "not your type" and you get the strange vibe but you go through with it anyway for the attraction, then there are a lot of "mystery dissapearances" EVEN FOR HIV-.
So don't think that this experience says anything about your future prospects of "getting" a negative guy (and I have no preference whatsoever for negative guys over positive it's just that the one poz I dated since diagnosis was not my type and the one neg is IT for me, right).
If you want to read more about my life: notperfectatall.blogspot.com
All the best to you!
For a second today I serriously considred killing myself. It seems like tooo much pain. My life did a 180. I met "the one" and it's a fairytale and then I got fired had a house fire and found out the poz thing..... now I ma having relationship issues. Is this what hell is ? This MUST be what hell feels like. Like every thing I have always wanted showed up just long enough to give me a glimpse of "heaven" then it's just changed. I don'r know how to explain the way I feeel. I am not even 25 NO ONE KNOWS EXCEPT MY PARTNER & My health care provider. I have to pretend like all is well cause I have familly who will know the difference. I am smiling laughing and joking and sometimes i am crying so hard inside it hurts to breathe. I just want to die. The distance now in my relatipnship makes me feel so alone. No ONE to coddle me and say it'll be fine. No one to even makelove to me to distract me or take me out or anything. TRUE LOVE IS WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE DOWN AND TRY TO HELP THEM BY MMAKING THEM LAUGH. My sister has been doing that for me recently she don't even know why I am down she can just sense that something has me down. I have been fillid with such gratitude for the blessings inmy life, I DESERVED THIS MAN & THIS FAIRYTALE. I DID NOT DESERVE ALL THE OTHER STUFF. PLEASE HOW CAN I HELP MYSELF DEAL WITH THIS STRESS?
Dear Kojo
I read your response and I just had to respond and hope you will be reading this. I feel your pain and I was in the same place not long ago, but you can surprise yourself, let life and love surprise you, not just the horrors of life but also the good things. Do not isolate yourself, you did nothing wrong. I am not saying shout it from the rooftops but do speak to sister and anyone who loves and can help you, and give people the chance to show that they care.
Be well. I believe love will come again. You will resurface.
Lisa...I have a straight female friend who's POZ & for so many years she's been telling me dating nightmare stories..she was never up front as you were but didn't tell them until there was intimacy....so imagine the guy's been seeing her a couple of dates & then she "springs" the POZ thing at him..they ALL ran!..but I learned that straight sex is so much different than gay guys..most gay guys know how to deal with POZ people and the precautions to take and exactly what they're getting into..straight society is far behind on this one or in denial
Tony(nyc)
OK i'm not the right age for sex so i want to know how i can have a good time with my boyfriend without going all the way! Do you have any ideas?? Because i can tell by the way he acts, making out isn't enough anymore!Please give me some ideas!!
To Lisa:
There is no absolutely normal and abnormal. If a HIV+ match can slove many possible problems in your life, why have to persue so-called "normal" ?
To onlineshopper:
You are so lucky to find your hubby.
Sweety, to have hiv might not be normal, but it is RIGHT. It is your right to have it, and to feel confortable with everyone around you. There is nothing wrong with having hiv, it just happens, you didnt choose it. Lola came to visit and stayed.
You have your RIGHT to make Lola behave good and obey you, I know it will be ok.
Thank you for your words. I have never been that down before. My lover won't talk to me won't take my calls or texts or IM's so I am guessing the dream man was only sent to wake me up. I am better. That's the biggest thing, I have stopped telling myself "I'm okay" The loss of my lover made me feel so much more vulnerable cause now I truely am "alone" But you know what?.... I started to run again. I found myself thinking. I nolonger had the relationship to keep me from looking myself or my situation in the face. Unlik the cow in cyperland from rent the only way out is to go through. That's the biggest thing I have learned. I had to go through that pain, anguish and fear. Because if not I would not have realized how strong I actually am. I allow myself to cry now, if I need to I stop and take aminute to allow my self to be alive in my sadness. But, I don't stay there. Since I found out I have gained about 30 lbs I guess that's a good thing. I don't feel sexy I don't want to be seduced, but I want to be held. So I have flirted with the idea of dating. Though the only person I want is my love my "Mr. Perfect" rite now he can't be there for me. Though honestly I think we'll end up together again cause I know he does love me ( and we did start having sex again 4 times since I told him) I think he has to deal with the news too. Maybe for now he needs to go back out into the dating world and see what a gift we have. I love innocently, we shared joy. We laughed like foolish children and loved like drunken whores. I was blessed to find that. I am still in shock but I realize that I am going to LIVE. And I will Love again. Thank you
KOJO
i was told i was hiv positive when my son was in hospital yes he contracted it from me. i was heavillypregnant nursing my son .i was put on treatment as not to nfact my un born baby and i had to tell my new partner that me and my son were hiv ositive .we are still together i have a very haelthy baby girl my partner has not tauched me since not even to hug me my baby is four months and i can say that my relationship has died all in an instance am taking it one day at a time and we will part soon because he needs to have sex and he doesnt want it from me even thoug he refuses to get tested he is confinsed himself he is clean.am in a dead end relationship that will only lead to heartbreak
Very sorry to hear your story, shola. If you need to find a new relationship or friendship, you may give http://www.pozgroup.com a try. If you are not ready to have a new relationship, you can just talk with them at the forum/blog.
There are many wonderful members willing to share their stories, give advice on how to make it through the hard times, and make you laugh. Some of them have overcome the issues, dealt with the hardships, emerged back into the light, and helping others to follow in our footsteps. Some of them continue to struggle down that road of unknowns. Some of them have just begun the journey. They are a community willing to reach out to others and make this journey together.
I met a guy on some other site and we were together FOR 2 YEARS. we both fell in-love Then I told him of my HIV and he freaked out. we both cried. It was to separate. he stayed for a while butI knew he was trying to get his strength. He was also having mixed mind. we were having sex and sometimes he was taking the condom off. He was getting tested and one day he sent me a text message that he swear not to talk to me again. It broke my heart .it's been a year and I can't get over him knowing that there is nothing under this earth I can do to get him back. He decided not to talk , only his mom checks on by the phone. I can't believe it's been a year and I still cry. The only e-mail he last send me was to tell me he went for another test and he is negative. He ended up accusing me of faking to be positive because he didn't get it after 2 years of being together. He doesn't know how much I miss him. As I write now tears are flowing and sometimes it get's really hard.