Hibernating

Some people may call it depression, I like to refer to it as “hibernation”. It’s such a kinder, gentler word.

You know, when you leave the house so rarely you can’t believe they put up a new stop sign on your main street? Yep, that really happened to me.

I was “off” work for four months. Well, let’s not get it twisted, I was fired for having HIV, but I can’t prove that.

I took care of business, grocery shopped, made sure Moe had food and litter and of course I always had cigarettes, but leaving the house was a major event. I showered, washed clothes but never put on make up and rarely did my hair.

I became completely and utterly addicted to my DVR. It became my surrogate man. I found myself trying to fast forward live television to no avail. But all of that ended when my cable got shut off. I was DEVESTATED! OMG! Not my precious DVR………..but yes, sadly it was gone, for two entire months. Who knew that if I connected my cable directly into my television that I would get “basic” cable???? Obviously not me. No, I dug out the good old fashioned rabbit ears and had a whopping 4 channels, none of which were remotely even close to my precious life-sustaining digital cable.

You’d think that would get my ass out of the house, but no. My house is my safe place. I know every inch of it, every noise, nuance and idiosyncrasy it has.

I thought maybe I should go on anti-depressants. I did the whole “snap out of bitch” thing, and that didn’t work. And the anger……….OY! Was I angry. It was subtle, but I could spew venom like nobody’s business. I could cut somebody down with a few words and make them feel like crap and walk away thinking I provided them with some insight. Yeah right.

The end result was I just pushed people away, which was the desired oucome, a pity party for one is much more satisfying.

I would make plans and then find excuses to cancel them. I would suddenly “not feel very good” or “not have any money” so as not to inflict myself on anyone. If I did manage to get out of the house, I was completely on edge the entire time. My skin would crawl with anticipation of going home. Home, the only place I wanted to be.

I lost social skills. I didn’t know how to interact with people anymore. Things that came to me naturally before suddenly seemed foreign. Being alone with a cat for four months will do that to a person.

Then I landed a job. I thought that would cure what ailed me not even realizing that there were PEOPLE there! People who I had to interact with, manage, talk to even. Suffice to say, my first week was a complete and utter BUST! I managed in two days to alienate my entire team, most of which wanted to “jump ship” because some raving bitch was now their manager.

So I regrouped. Well, not really, but I managed to keep the hibernation inside my head and not let it get out to the general public. A virtual “stepford wife in the corporate world.”

Then I come home and I am able to be me again, the agro, bitch on wheels who never wants to leave the house again.