Subscribe to this blog's feedI want my mommy. I want to lay my head in her lap and have her run her fingers through my hair like she did when I was a little girl. I want her to tell me that everything is going to be okay. Because when your mom tells you it will be okay, you somehow think it will be.
Do you remember getting sick at school and having to go to the nurses office? They always called your mom, and when they did, they always gave you the phone so you could talk to her. Just hearing her voice made you feel sicker, cry harder and at the same time, you knew she would somehow come and rescue you.
I’m the baby of five, and my mom had me fairly late in life. She was 38 years old when I was born and back in the day, that was unheard of. There are 11 years between the next sibling and I. When I was born, my mom was pretty much DONE with having kids and from what I’ve been told, my oldest sister pretty much raised me. I was like everyone’s little doll, blankets matched my dresses, never a hair out of place.
My mom has carried around a sense of guilt when it came to me. She blamed herself for me getting Diabetes, and took responsibility for every bad thing that ever happened to me.
She’s 80 years old and still works full time. She has a better social life than I have and is never home. She gets her hair, nails and toes done every two weeks without fail and is one of the most generous people I know. She is a real "pistol."
I’m abnormally connected to her. We have an "attachment" to each other that even my siblings recognize. She is IT for me, my rock, and my one constant. I’ve always said that if God forbid anything ever happened to her, you’d have to lock me up in a padded room with a valium drip. For real, no joke……………I’d be lost, done.
But I need her right now. I want to share my accomplishments and tell her my fears. I want to tell her I have HIV. I can’t. She would try and take the pain away and make it hers. She does that with everything. If I have a cold she worries can you imagine what would happen if she knew this? It's a mom thing, they just want to make it all better.
Sometimes when she is telling me stories about what my brothers and sisters are going through, and how hard their situations are, I want to shout through the phone ‘WHAT ABOUT ME? I HAVE HIV AND THAT IS SO MUCH BIGGER THEN WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH!’ But it’s not a competition, and she doesn’t know, so instead I listen and bite my tongue.
She’ll never know. If I told her, it would kill her. And yes, I know what you are going to say, "you'd be surprised how strong people are." But I will most likely outlive her and I can’t put her through any more of “Lisa’s life drama” believe me, she’s had her fill.
It makes me sad that she will never know how brave I’ve been, how well I’ve handled everything and the things that I am accomplishing. She would be proud…………knowing that is a double edged sword. I still want my mommy.
Lisa,
Boy do you hit home. I did not tell my parents because my brother died of Aids in 1990, and I saw what it did to them. Then two years ago, I moved in to my dad's home during my divorce as my mom is terminally ill and my dad was taking care of her alone. He never questioned the pills he saw me take. He did however dwell over the fact that I was insensative to my mother's illness. One day, I did just that! "WHAT ABOUT ME" I yelled at him. I watched my T-cells plumet from 875 to 405 during my divorce and just lost it! Pretty stupid huh! I made the mistake of confiding in him. Then he told my 90 something "Jewish Mema", then my aunts, hell why not just call the neighbors too and tell them! Dumb was not the word. I was only glad my mom was not coherant, otherwise he would have told her too!
I say this as a hospice nurse is in the other room right now with my mommy, and the morphine drips away. No pill can prolong her life any longer, it is just a matter of days before I will recite the mourner's kaddish.
Lisa, you are doing the RIGHT thing. I know how it feels to keep this inside you, but your mommy will be very proud of you. We are all very proud of you, no need to burden her with this at this stage in your life. I just don't know if she would understand the whole Poz issue. You have a long life ahead of you, live it, love it, and treat every day as if it were a privilige. You will be alright. I want my mommy too!!
Stuart
I am in the window period for testing. I am somewhat in the same situation. I Pray that all test comes back negative. I lost a brother to this disease in 1997. I thought I was the only one in the world whose family may be stricken by this thing twice. Until I created me an account on hear four days ago, I felt alone and scared. There are so many inspirational stories on this website. Like you both, I could never tell my mother or father. I am my father's only child.
Hi lisa, i just found out last week i may be positve. I have been reading you blog, and your express exactly what im feeling. I wish i could contact you via email so you can share your expericnes with me. I've always been a healthy person, never very promiscious and a professional. Im 36, on the cusp of an amazing carrer and buisness, and a possibly amazing relationship. I feel like the wind want not only taken out of my sails but my lifes plans are gone. Would u mind sharing what you have gone through? my email is mfm305@aol, and my name is miguel. Thanks
Dear Lisa,
As yourself, my relationship with my mom is great and she is really my best friend. Unfortunatelly and due to out of hands situation i had to tell her im HIV+ as soon as I knew (which was recently 3 months ago) and boy how much i regret it. I cannot look in her face and see the pain and suffering on her face and the fact that her hands are tight in helping me so NO don't tell her.