Subscribe to this blog's feedThe thought of sex……well, to tell you the truth, I haven’t thought about sex in a long time, a very long time actually.
What I do think about is the loss of intimacy in my life. I’m a “skin” girl. I love the smell of it, the feel of it and the taste of it. I’ve always liked to curl up against my man’s back and run by hand along his body, while my head was tucked in the nape of his neck breathing in his scent.
Or, sitting on the couch watching television and just having the slightest bit of body contact, but it’s there and it felt intimate. Putting my hand on his leg while waiting for a table at a restaurant, using his knees as a back rest while sitting at the beach watching the sunset………intimacy.
I feel almost as if I am asexual. Where there once this vibrant, passionate and sexual woman now stands an insecure, shy, diseased female.
There is a survey on POZ that asks “Does HIV Make You Feel Less Sexy?” and when I read that I screamed “HELL FUCKING YES IT DOES!!”
Because it does, maybe because for me, getting the virus relates to love and sex and the thought of either one makes my stomach flop. I hope that changes, and soon.
I don’t even liked to be touched, a hug makes me cringe. Being in close proximity to someone makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. This includes men and woman. My personal space has become paramount in my life. I like to allow sufficient enough space between myself and whoever is around me so I feel at ease.
I wasn’t like this before, just one more thing to add to this list of things that are no longer “normal” in my life since Lola came to live with me.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Can't totally understand due to my own status. But, remember that there are many different kinds of touch. And while nothing is the same as that warm snuggling with a partner, it is still important to let others into your personal space. I would hug you right now (if you were ok with it)if I was sitting across from you.
Hope in the future you find someone special that you can be comfortable being intimate with again.
Ah sweetie! Hugs to you! I remember that feeling really well. For quite awhile EVERYTHING freaked me out, I felt so contagious and did not want to be close to anyone. I also had some bad reactions from people in the beginning. Over time it has gotten much better! I am coming up to 14 years now, and am married to a wonderful man who is negative. I was amazed when I told him, he asked me a few questions and has been wonderful ever since! His view is that we all have our baggage, this just happens to be mine! Sex is great, we just use protection and he makes me feel 'normal' if you know what I mean. It might take time, hell it ain't easy, but if the right person comes along they will just love you exactly as you are. Best wishes to you!
You really hit on a biggie here. It took me 9 months to even think sex, and another 2 years before I could touch another person with comfort. But, with time I adjusted and met the love of my life. He's neg and he feels that we love e.o. for who we are, not what we have or not. It's been almost 2 years and going well.
Looking back I now realize that the process was important because your mind need some time to wrap itself around the hiv/itimacy issue.
I had to re-learn to love myself with the bug and all before others could do the same.
Dear Lisa,
I recently went for an HIV test and I was consumed by fear as I waited for the results. I knew there were times where I had been careless and I hated myself for that as I had no excuse - I am well informed about this virus but hey I guess the reason that HIV is still around is because humans will still be human and make mistakes... Anyway, in limbo I checked out all of the sites and was so moved by the courage and candour of your blog. As a middle class heterosexual woman I completely identified with your predicament. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. As I waited for my result I contemplated many alternate futures so I have an idea of what you are facing. My test came back negative and believe me I realise this was just luck so I would like to help you in any way I can. This experience has made me realise that even after 25 years women are still sorely underepresented in this pandemic and the stigma of this disease is as cruel as ever. I live in London but if you need a friend, if you just need to offload, if there is anything you feel I could provide then please don't hesitate to get in touch - I can send you my details if you want them.
Lots of Love,
Pamela x
Lisa,
I was saddened to read your story. Made me want to give you a great big hug and invade that iron curtain you created. I understand all of the reasons it is there, you explained it quite well. Just that it sucks and I wanted to break it. I guess that's all I have.
HIVworker.
I get you. I have/had been in a relationship witht he man of my dreams. After testing pos the relationship has slowly drindled down to nothing. I have been trying to just be the same but that drove me damn near crazy. It really helped me to read your blog. I am alone Noone knows except my lover ( who is neg and not speaking to me) and my doc's and one hiv counselor who has been talking tome. I became nasty and I didn't even realize it. I was snapping and pushy and a whole bunch of stuff. My lover was asking me "whya re you talking like that" but I was doing everything NOT to look at me the though was to painful. I became so paranoid that he was going to leave me cause I had it that I started to go crazy a lil' with 20 questions and asking him to do stuff that I'd never asked and just completely going fucking psycho bitch. All I wanted was to hear him say "Don't worry I am not gonnah leave you" which till today he's never said. He's said I never said I was leaving. But today is a first. We haven't spoken cause he "doesen't like the phone" he hasn't returned a text with no justification and the last point of contact was IM and the last was a serriese of IM 's I sent him one about my fanctacy about making love to hima dn then apologizing for my loosing touch with reality cause I was consumed with fear and the other saying I am more sane. Which thankfully enough I am. I have been excersizing which is a GOD sent and I have been reading every thing from the secret to relationship drama's. I am becomming more of myself again. But I feel like I have just awakened from some horrible, horrible dream and I am now left to pick up the pieces of my life. He say's he's just "vusy" and there's no one else I try to believe him. But honestly I don't know. My gut says he's fathful to me cause he knows I am a good man. But he won't talk I don't look at what is cause I'll create more of what is. I didn't feel sexy and I said that about a month after I found out. He made love tome and I started to feel again. but when he started to pull away I felt too. I felt the pain of going through this all alone. I wanted to be held. I wanted someone to be strong for me. I don't have that. I am attractive so part ofme wants to go and start dating again but honestly I couldn't date and not tell this, I still kinda think who would want me I have it. I wish I could go back to the day before I knew and the day before I told him. I deserved more time with him. I deserved more of that type of JOY. I have never had that before. Not with out being cheated on or lied to. I revealed my heart the very purity of who I was and he valued that and wanted to protect that. But when I wasnt' everything he hoped I was he's busy. Part of me is left wishing I'd never met him, then I wouldn't have to miss it (you can't mourn what you've never had) The other part of me wants to make him love me. We've had sex a couple of times since I told him so Why can't we be, what is it? The truth.... The truth would help. No patter how painful or how hurtful or wrong he would feel. I want to hear him say what ever it is he's going through. I want the safety I felt in his arms. I want to hear him laugh at me or with me. I want to feel the joy of havingnsomeone in my life who's just for me. Who cares about me wit the crusty eyes and the morning breath. I'm stil me cause I look feel the same. But I don't feel the same. He's the only person who I have let touch me since I found out.
I totaly know what your talking about. Totaly dig what your saying. Its a mind bombe.One can only hold on to hope and there is hope out there. We fell alone but we are not.I would give any thing to have a good girl in my life.No matter how desperate you feel you are not alone in that emotion.I personly just got blidsided by all this and went from manley man to mr needy.I think from what I havebeen learning that these emotions are very normal,as we are normal peaple delling with a health condition not unlike other health conditions.The relationship rules have changed but with some honesty between two peaple it could be just a thing to be delt with and overcome and until then just got to hold on,Cant sale anything if the store is closed Wes