April 2007 Archives

I thought that HIV was the “skinny” virus.

I remember walking into my first support group and seeing all of the people sitting there, most of which were of larger stature.

I lost over 100lbs about a year and a half ago. Having always been a “big girl” whose weight was evenly distributed, losing that much weight made me reevaluate everything. People treat overweight people differently, it’s a fact. When I lost all of my weight, I noticed that sales people paid more attention to me. Maybe because they knew I would fit into the clothes they were selling in their stores. Who knows?

With all of the stress I was going through last year, Icky in the hospital, my diagnosis, I was living on cigarettes and Starbucks. Stress is a GREAT weight loss program, take it from me. Once all of the drama died down, I turned back to my original “lover”………..food. The one constant that has always been there for me to fill me up when I was empty. I have used food as a way of coping since before I can even remember.

While off work for 4 months, I regressed back into my old eating habits. My favorite brownies from 7-11 and the oh-so-delicious Lays Spicy Barbeque Potato Chips, my ultimate weakness. Not to mention that I rarely move. That’s right, not an ounce of exercise here. Unless you count walking from the couch to the refrigerator exercise.

Not sure why I thought that HIV would keep me thin, but I’m here to tell you it doesn’t. I’ve gained 25lbs of the 100lbs I have lost and I am terrified of becoming the “fat girl” again. But not terrified enough to do something about it. I keep thinking there is some quick fix, a pill, a program, but I just have to change my relationship with food. I did it once, now I need to really make it stick. That and start some kind of exercise program. I hate to exercise, and I don’t get the people who like it. Screw those so called endorphins they say they get, that’s just a bunch of bullshit. They just say that because they look good and can!

Maybe I’ll buy a treadmill, I could use an extra clothes hanger anyway!

Man, this virus sucks big green donkey dicks! It pisses me the fuck off.

I met TWO beautiful, young vibrant women this week who were recently infected. Both have young children, both were betrayed by the men they loved and both are devastated. They have been walking around with this virus not knowing their status. SUCKS

Why are we not shouting from the roof tops about this? Why is it not in the news more, why isn’t there mandatory testing? WHY-WHY-WHY?

I guess I shouldn’t rant, if I didn’t have IT, I wouldn’t think twice about someone who I didn’t know having it, but shit! If there was mandatory testing, we would have a damn pandemic on our hands. That’s why there isn’t, no one wants that with an election coming up huh?

STOP THE INSANITY! It kills me to meet newly infected people, yet at the same time I find comfort in knowing there are others out there just like me.

I see that “look” in their faces when they tell their stories for the first time, in some cases, it’s the first time they have shared it with anyone else other than their doctor. I see their relief in seeing “others like them” and the comfort they feel knowing they are not alone. I was them, I remember it so clearly. Now I am looked to as someone who is knowledgeable and knowing, if they only knew. I’m just as scared as they are.

When did I become the one people turn to about advice on this thing? Since when did I become the expert? I’m not, and they are not looking for expert advice from me. What they want to know is how they feel “normal” again? I wish I had an answer, shit, I’m still waiting myself.

22% of all new infections in San Diego are heterosexual women as of March 2007. Would I buy a shirt that was 22% off and feel like I was getting a good deal? Probably not. Do I think that 22% is a HUGE fucking number considering when I got diagnosed one year ago it was 12%? HELL YES!