Subscribe to this blog's feedWhile at work today, outside smoking with some guys from the warehouse, one of them said to me “You always look like your angry, unhappy. Is there something going on?”
WOW! I would not have imagined that simple little statement having such an affect on me! I had to step back and recover before I responded to him.
He is right. I am angry, unhappy, and miserable even. Who knew that it was so apparent that it showed on my face?
I realized that I rarely smile anymore. Laughing has become an event instead of a something that used to come naturally. And it’s not all about having HIV. HIV is something I rarely think about lately. It’s more about the state of my life, the state of my “consciousness”. I find no joy in anything anymore, or at least I allow no joy to enter my life. I find ways to turn good things into problems. Everything I do seems like a chore or an unpleasant task. EVERYTHING irritates me. What the hell has happened to me?
I used to be the one everyone was drawn to, now it seems as if people go out of their way to avoid spending time with me, and I seriously can not blame them. Hell, I don’t even want to be around me anymore!
I’m considering antidepressants. Although I know they are not the panacea, I think they will help me move in the right direction. I don’t have an issue with taking them, I just wish I didn’t have to. I’ve tried therapy, but I have never really been able to fully open up which I’m pretty sure defeats the purpose of going!
I just feel nothing. Empty, hollow. You know how people say that recognizing something is the first step to correcting it? Well, yeah, no that ain’t working for me.
